To Swim...

...or not to swim.

while i'm sorting out the issues in my mind via this blog, i figure i might as well with this one too. especially since it's such a big conflict to me right now. and while i can talk to other people about it, no one can make the final decision but me. and i'm actually trying to not talk to a lot of other people about it because i don't want to be too heavily influenced by the position that others may hold.

i read this book a few years ago (i promise this is related) called The Last Summer of You and Me and i wrote down this passage from the book:

Some people lost their individuality in the water, but [she] always felt most herself. Water was supposed to symbolize renewal, she knew, but when [she] swam - pared down, alone, and unreachable - she felt a deeper sense of who she already was...

The repetitive motion of her limbs was a meditation, the stretch of her muscles a narcotic. She heard her breath and even her heart...

The regular things couldn't follow you here. You could escape the demands of the world. Even the demands you imposed on yourself seemed to recede and reorient underwater. You couldn't hear and you couldn't talk. Your ears were full but it was quiet...

The trouble with swimming was that eventually you had to come out. You had to dry off and put all your stuff back on. You had to become yourself again, or, in her case, less so. The demands were still there, waiting.

at the time i wrote this down, i was in love with my sport for what it was. i just loved being in the water and in effect, my own little world. but when i read that now, it saddens me because i don't feel that way about swimming anymore. in all actuality, when i look at it from the perspective that i am right now, its even worse - swimming (competitively, for school) has BECOME one of those demands that i used to go to a pool to escape.

it's hard to let go of something that has been a part of your life for so long. i'm seeing that in more than one aspect of my life this summer. but relationships with people and things and ideas are generally not static. as you change, so do your relationships and your feelings and your understandings of things. swimming has been all that i've known since i was eight years old...i'm on my way to being 20. that's 12 years of my life devoted to this sport. but i'm not the same girl that i was when i was 8, or 15, or even that i was just 6 months ago when i turned 19. and as i change, my relationship to swimming changes too...which is why it's no longer and easy decision to swim.

i can bounce back and forth between doing it and not doing it. i've made the lists of pros and cons. but the more i think it out and the more i try to analyze it, it always comes down to one question: is competitive swimming something i see myself doing for the rest of my life? and the answer is no. yes i will always love the water and it will always be a great escape for me and a wonderful option of working out that i have been blessed to experience. swimming in itself will always be there for me. but competitive swimming...? it's not something thats even close to being in my future goals for myself.

clearly, i'm leaning toward just saying no to it for this year. i want to focus on my classes. i want to work on becoming the best teacher that i can because that is going to be the career i have for the rest of my life. i want to get a job while i'm at school so i can continue to pay for my tuition. i want to workout on my own and how i want to. i want to spend time with my friends without worrying about how much sleep i'm going to get before the next morning practice. the basic facts are that if i'm swimming 9 or more practices a week, all of that stuff gets shoved aside and has to share the limelight with the 20+ hours a week i spend in the pool.

the only thing that holds me back is the thing that holds me back in everything. a hurdle i have yet to overcome. that is disappointment. the fear of the disappointment i may bring unto others - my coaches, my teammates, my parents - and the potential for disappointment i may bring on to myself. will i look back when i graduate and wish that i would have stuck it out and been a 4 year "Scholar Athlete"? will i be disappointed and look at myself as a quitter? will i be able to face the questions and the judgement others may pass once they hear of my decision? this is where i still have a lot of pondering left to do. this is the only thing that stands in my way from saying no.

and after all...if i take a year off...it doesn't mean i can't come back my junior year if i decide to, right?

"Most decisions are seat-of-the-pants judgements. You can create a rationale for anything. In the end, most decisions are based on intuition and faith."

let me let go

why is it that humans are capable of continually caring for something that has time and time again shown that it's not worthy of such dedication and emotion?

why is it that the heart and head can never just agree on what you should feel and think. why can't they just let me let go?

i'm not sure which has let go already. my heart or my head. maybe they've both only let go partially. either way, it's not enough. but i've been starting to acknowledge that maybe this time its my head thats getting in the way, not my heart.

my heart is ready to move on, i really do believe. my head is the only thing standing in my way. i'm hanging on to memories and "used-to-be's" and "what if's" when in reality, none of that will do me any good. i need to let it go mentally. but i just can't help but care. i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

i feel like i know what i need to do. but its a Big. Freaking. Deal. i haven't even verbalized it yet, because its such a scary thought to me. i can't wrap my brain around it yet, it's so intimidating and uncomfortable to think about. but maybe it's just time.

Maybe you and me got lost somewhere

We can't move on or we can't stay here

Well maybe we've just had enough

Well maybe we ain't meant for this love.

-Mockingbird, Rob Thomas

Love Yourself

"...just be patient. Enjoy Court for a while, and I guarantee you will find someone who will just not be able to refrain from you, who would not dream of hurting you, and will make you feel how you should ever day."

Enjoy Court for a while. i count that as one of the top pieces of advice i have ever received in my life. as simple as it sounds...a statement that anyone could have made, sometimes you really just need to hear someone say it for it to finally click. or sometimes, it takes the right person to say it to you for it to actually mean something, or a particular context. whatever it may be, people can preach it to you until they're blue in the face, but you have to be in a certain place before you can truly comprehend what they are saying to you.

you have to learn how to like being you, and how to like being around yourself before you can expect to feel completed by another person. in fact, "completed" isn't even the right word. you need to feel completed as just being you and then adding that someone else is like the cherry on top. if you aren't comfortable in your own skin, if you don't love yourself and enjoy being the person that you are, it will be reflected in your relationships with other people (whether you consciously acknowledge it or not). you need to be complete on your own before you can extend a part of yourself to someone else.

by no means have i mastered this. but i'd say i've come a long way from the time that i received that advice. it's a daily struggle...you have to renovate the way you think, the way you see yourself, and the way you relate to the rest of the world. learning yourself, gaining confidence, and being comfortable in your own skin is one of the hardest things to achieve if it isn't something you naturally possess. the progress is slow. you don't really notice a change until you look back after a period of time. but such is the way of most things in life, right? but i promise, it's one of the best feelings when you realize you've begun making that change for the better.

just enjoy YOU.

Is it August yet??

I've had a lot on my mind lately...i don't know why it all popped into my head this week, but suddenly its felt like everything i've ever had to think about has declared its urgency...so there they all are, spinning and twirling around in my head. personal stuff, worldy stuff, social stuff...maybe i'll sort it out eventually and be able to write about it. but as of this day, its entirely impossible!

my best friend is coming home in less than two weeks from all his naval academy adventures. i haven't seen him since december! i would try to explain to you my level of excitement, but there are no real words for it - only some incoherent gibberish with some high pitched shrieking mixed in followed by a crap-ton of smiley faces that look like this ":D :D :D :D" with about...oh...8,000 exclamation marks. do you get it? haha.

so i'd say thats been a major thought consuming my brain lately, its like every day he gets closer to being home, my excitement level gets a little higher and the anticipation level grows a little bigger. i just can't wait to see him sitting right in front of me, not through a computer screen, but really RIGHT there. having a face to face conversation, not through facebook or the phone...a REAL live conversation! he'll only be here for like five days, i may only see him once or twice before i have to say bye again...but thats enough to hold me over till christmas. :)

excitement level on a scale of 1-10 -----> 50.

Do your duty

i was driving down telegraph on my way to the grocery store, and there was an older lady walking on the sidewalk where i normally ride my bike.

in one hand, she carried a bucket.

in the other, she had a trash-picker-upper.

taking her time, walking slowly along the path as people in their cars, bikers, runners, and even walkers passed her by, she was picking up all the trash she found.

thank you lady, for doing your part to make a difference. it made me smile. =)

I'm alive!

...but barely. sleeping and eating have sort of been taking a back seat with working and pet-sitting this week, unfortunately - those are two of my favorite things!

it's weird how i seem to be sleeping less during the summer than i did while at school; but such is the life of a college student. i can't wait to go back...and not just for the sleep. i miss my friends, i miss my freedom...heck, i'm even missing going to class and using my brain!

*****

anywho...i've been thinking today about how much time people spend complaining. it's funny how no matter how great of a time you have, there's always something that people can find to nit-pick and whine about or be unhappy about. i do it, i listen to people do it, and i hear all about other people doing it.

i know that it's important to never be truly satisfied - a swim coach of mine once taught me that and i've never forgotten it: "You can be happy with something, but don't EVER be satisfied." But just because we shouldn't ever be satisfied, does that mean we really have to complain about all the reasons we aren't? can't we just be happy? or is that too far outside of human nature?

i suppose that in a way, complaining could be a good thing...given that it is not over-used. it possesses a degree of creativity, because in a way, by complaining you are pointing out something that isn't the way you would have wished. but what makes it or breaks it is whether or not you are willing to take action to change that to a way that is more acceptable to your standards. if you merely complain but fail to do anything to alter it for the next time, i think that you kind of lose your right to complain about it. it's all in the attitude behind your complaining i guess.

so what if everyone made a conscious effort to complain less, and act and work for betterment more...especially here in the United States where we take so much for granted? i think it would make us a more optimistic people. maybe more grateful. and even more observant, if we stop and think about things and how WE could change them before we open our mouths to complain about it.

Interesting way to think about it...

looking at something ordinary in an extraordinary way. =)

Not a lack of wanting to write...

but a lack of time! the sunshine finally came out this last week, and any time i was NOT at work, i was at the beach...finally! four out of the last five afternoons were spent laying on the sand, tossing a frisbee, and dodging waves in a week's worth of the most perfect summer weather. it was wonderful.

funny how a change in weather is all it really takes to turn your attitude around and to fix your mindset. a week before this, it was rainy, cloudy, and cold (oh, good old Southern California) and let's just say my mind had taken a parallel to that yucky-ness.

but blue skies, sun, and temperatures in the 70s/80s have made me actually feel like i'm having a summer vacation and reminded me why, even though i absolutely LOVE college, i am blessed and excited to call Ventura "home." And i'm ready to get ready to go back to school, but in a positive light this time. =)

Quotable Kids (part one of many)

i deal with kids EVERY DAY during the summer...but "deal with" has a negative connotation, so i should probably rephrase that. i have the privilege of working with kids every day during the summer. between coaching, teach, guarding, and babysitting, i probably see more 12 and unders in a day than i do my own peers. and i definitely am not complaining. =)

Art Linkletter and Bill Cosby had the right idea...kids really do say the funniest things! i cannot count the number of times i have cracked up over something that comes out of their mouths...

yesterday afternoon i babysat Brynn and Chase again. now, everything Chase says is funny because they aren't really real words yet, but the accompanying expressions are priceless! While sitting on the couch, Brynn was playing doctor to a scrape on my finger, and the bandaid that i had on it was different than the ones she was used to:

Brynn: "How is it like that, Teacher Courtney?"

Me: "Why is my bandaid like that, you mean?"

Brynn: (eyes pop open wide, whispering) "You can't say 'why' a lot because...then you turn into a Y!!"

Me: (stifling laughter) "How come you turn into a Y?!"

Brynn: "Because...you just turn into a Y! And you like being Teacher Courtney, right?"

Me: "Yes I do. And I like you being Brynn."

conversation turns back to my hurt finger and taking its "blood pleshur," but i was still giggling to myself. sounds like Dad tricked a gullible Brynn out of asking "why" over and over...I'll have to remember that one. =P

hunger

today, i sat in the guard room between rotations with a few other girls from work. all really nice girls, so i'm not here to shit-talk them for something they said. but again, it was just a little conversation that got me thinking.

they were talking about how much they hate going to bed on an empty stomach, how awful it is to try and fall asleep when you are hungry, how when they are in this situation they run to Jack-in-the-Box or make a quick snack in the kitchen. normal conversation right?

maybe its because of major themes of all the books i've been reading, but my mind immediately shouts, "well lucky for you, because there are loads of people in this city, this country, this world, who go to bed with that feeling every night, and unfortunately many of them can't solve that problem as easily as you can!" thank gosh for the skill of thinking before speaking. but seriously.

its so easy for people to take advantage of what we take as normalcy in every day life. a family may go days without eating, while we complain after a few hours about how "starving" we are. we whine that we hate going to work when other people are struggling to even find a job. we ramble on about how bored we are when we're stuck at home for the night, when in reality we should be thankful we have a safe place to call home.

now, i'm not claiming that i don't ever take things for granted in my life. i do - far too often. but i am becoming aware of the fact that i do, thus it is something i am working to improve

Welcoming a Simple Day

i'd say i was productive today, but it wasn't a stressful kind of productive. it was a nice and easy, progressive sort of productive. thank gosh, especially after the chaos that was yesterday, centered around my munchkin's first inter-squad swim meet (SO cute, but SO crazy).

5 hours of work in before 12:30.

a phone call to brighten my day.

a freaking BOMB brownie sundae.

a greatly needed and appreciated nap.

a clean room.

a written down and organized schedule for the next two weeks.

tom petty and the heartbreakers serenading me as i write.

plans to hang out with trevor tonight.

i feel peaceful. i'm ok with not really doing anything wild and crazy. to find joy and happiness in small things. even though i'm exhausted still from yesterday and literally feel like i could pass out cold at any moment, i'm still content.

speaking of content...somewhere on this world wide web today, i saw a question that was asked to someone: "Are you content?" their response? "With what?" i don't know why that caught my eye (a general trend, some things just do), but i thought about it a little. to me, content is a general expression of emotion - sure it can be applied to something direct like "are you content with the way this happened?" BUT i associate contentedness with life as a whole; if someone asked me that question, i would automatically think of it in such broad terms. by answering "with what?" however, i feel that you are insinuating that there are aspects of life you are not content with, so therefore you are not content as a whole. so maybe, because i am content with life, that is why i think of it in the grander scheme. is that weird? this may be one of those things that just makes more sense in my head...

oh well!

this is not okay

its raining.

in july.

i want my summer.

>:/

Happy Fourth!

"If there is ever a tomorrow that we're not together..there is something you must always remember. You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart...I will always be with you."

Happy Fourth of July to everyone, and a HUGE thank you to all the servicemen in the history, present, and future of our country. It is because of you that I am privileged to live the free and blessed life that I do.

Knowing people in the military has opened my eyes to an entirely new way of thinking, and it has given me a better appreciation for such people. It gives me a lot more to be grateful for on a day such as today, besides fireworks, BBQs, and friends. It is a bummer though that so many American's reserve their patriotism and their gratitude just for this day...we shouldn't need a holiday to give us a reason to express that.

Thank you poohad for everything you have done, everything you do, and all the dreams and wishes you hope to fulfill. I'm proud of you every day. Miss you.

Grown-up Weekend

i have to say, i don't know if i could ever get accustomed to living (happily) by myself. it's terribly lonesome.

i've been house sitting for the past couple days, which has given me the opportunity to think about this sort of thing. i'm in a house that i'm familiar with, only normally it is buzzing with activity - being that it belongs to a family of 7 people, a dog, and a cat. so maybe its a combination of that, and never having to have really been anywhere completely on my own...but i'm not too fond of the solitary lifestyle. at this point in my life, i couldn't imagine living without my family or roommates. it would just be too weird.

on the plus side, it does give you a lot of time to think and reflect, but i've been doing enough of that on my own lately at my own house. being here completely alone (minus the dog, who judging by his whining is very lonely too) was definitely an over-dose on the "me" time. it crossed over from a healthy level of personal reflection to an overthinking and a tormenting amount of analysis. needless to say, i think i'll be spending the night back at home tonight. i'm not ready to be THAT much of a grown-up!