Money on the Mind

Here's whats happening in my brain.

My mother has a lot of health issues and needs a multitude of surgeries. She probably could have had at least one or two by now...if my family hadn't been contributing so much to my yearly payments for my education at the university of my choice. It's not getting any better or easier for her and I'd being lying if I said I didn't feel guilty. She would kill me if she heard me say that, but I feel like something would be wrong with me if I didn't feel that way. It took me a while to feel the real guilt...like the last few years it was kind of there, but I would still let them buy things for me when I was home. But for some reason this year it really settled in. And I know feel like I absolutely cannot let them continue to contribute to my education. I do not want to be a financial burden to them any longer. I do not want myself to be on the list of reasons why my mother hasn't had the surgeries that she needs.

It's a big reason as to why I've changed the scope of what branch of the teaching profession I'd like to go into. It's a huge reason for why I find myself looking for a third job, yet again, for my second semester of the school year. I'm so close to paying off my debts to them. I told myself that once I no longer owe debts to them, I will allow myself to open up my own credit card so as to minimize any future need to borrow theirs to make purchases for school. I'm looking into different credential programs that allow me to work or attend grad school for free or a very discounted price, even if they will end up taking me a little longer to complete. I know that I will be happy working with children, as long as they are involved in my career, so why not try out some new roads?

I feel very burdened. Again, I know that isn't how my family intends for me to feel, but I'm not sure what they really expected to happen. I feel so heavy, as if there were a literal weight on my shoulders. It's stressing me out and adding pressures to my life that I'm not equipped to handle at the moment, with so many other things going on. I already feel like I'm drowning in school work - other people are talking like they can see the light at the end of the semester, but all I can see are the piles and piles of things I need to get done before then.

Everything is blurry. I'm freaking out about my financial situation and the financial situation of my family and its fuzzing up everything else about my life. I'm being insecure in my relationship because I'm deflecting my stresses onto something that, in the moment, feels easier to struggle with. I need him to reach out and understand that my being this way has nothing to do with him or my feelings toward him...because those things are all the same. I need him to know that I feel like I'm drowning in other aspects of my life and I'm scared that he's not going to be patient enough to wait for me to come back up to the surface to breathe.

I'm still here!

School. You know how it is. This semester is nutty...but it's already almost midterm time! Come winter break, I have only one more semester of my undergraduate college career! Wowzers. Time flies, huh?

I'm taking a moment to write today because I've been thinking about it a lot lately AND I got two classes cancelled on what is typically my busiest day of the week. So I figured I could find some time for a nice little post.

Let me catch my self up before I get back to writing philosophical things...

I have a wonderful, magnificent, cute and loving boyfriend who I can most definitely say that I am head over heals in love with. As of a couple days ago we've been together for five months - five easy, fun, and surprising months that I wouldn't trade for anything else. I'm so excited about the future of our relationship...it feels like everything I've ever wanted and then a little bit extra. :)

I'm working on changing my relationship with food. I know that sounds random and strange, but something changed with me over the last summer and I'm not okay with it and it's reeeeeal hard to change. I just started eating what I wanted when I wanted and not caring about nutritional value...I just wanted things that satisfied my sweet tooth and I got really lazy with myself in caring about the choices of things I was putting into my body. It's like, I went to Costa Rica and ate beautifully for 5 weeks and enjoyed every minute of it, but somehow still turned a complete 180 as soon as I got home. And I didn't even seem to care! Until now. I'm trying to learn how to tell myself "no, you don't need it" again. I'm trying to find motivation to work out again, because I know how I should look and how I want to look and it wasn't what I let myself fall to over summer.

That being said, I signed up for my first 5k ever! It's here at my school on homecoming weekend (in TWO weeks!) and I mostly only signed up because I found out I wouldn't have to pay. But! It has given me motivation to keep running over the last week and the next couple weeks...let's hope I can hang on to the motivation after this race is over. My ideal goal - that I think I need to make less of an ideal and more of a reality - is to do a sprint triathlon. We'll see...

School is hard. But I'm still happy to be doing what I'm doing. My classes aren't bad this semester, just a lot of overlap and some real busy Tuesdays haha. Spanish is the tough one, but again, it's a challenge that I'm accepting willingly and happy to participate in because it's new and it's interesting and it's not easy for me. This is the first year I've taken an actual subject matter class (Literature) in the Spanish language and not been only learning the language. It's hard but I can feel my comprehension level rising at a satisfying rate. And I feel like it was the perfect class for me to transition into after Costa Rica, where I did a little bit of literature study. I wish I could speak more, but I think I'll get more of that in Linguistics next semester. I need to work on vocabulary, that's my real problem. I need to find time to practice and study the language more so that I can be at the level I want to be at.

I'm still helping in kindergarten...but the more I'm there this year, the more I've been thinking about the appeal of first grade. Don't get me wrong, I still love kindergarten. But some days I find myself thinking about the few days I spent in first grade last semester and how much I enjoyed it. I'm looking forward to doing some more observations at that level this year with a different teacher and seeing if I still see the same appeal in it.

My dad is doing a lot better...but I still worry about him. I'll find myself thinking about the possibility of something happening to him, or my mom, while I'm here at school...how I'd get home as quickly as possible, what I could do to help, etc...and I have to snap myself out of it. The cardiologist says everything looks great. But that isn't going to stop me from worrying, especially now that I'm not living in the house anymore. As much as I distance myself from my family, it doesn't mean I don't love them. It's taken me a while to realize it but my independence isn't in defiance of my family; it's just who I am, and who I am is partly a result of how well they raised me. I've always been a little independent in nature, but they helped me develop on that in an efficient and long-term way so that I could be as reliant on myself as I am now.

So that's that. I know I say it a lot, but I'm trying to get back into this. Homework load isn't too big this year...it's just a test of my time management skills. So if I can get some of that under control....I'll be back real soon. :)

What a Summer

I'm writing from the Starbucks patio in Thousand Oaks, sipping a Passion Tea in the sun and patiently wishing that it was already time to move back in to school. Passion Tea...why is it called that? If that's what passion tastes like, then no wonder I feel like I've got so much of it.

Passion for life in general you know. This summer has given me a lot of opportunities to realize how much there is to love about life and to love about my life and the potential that all life holds.

 I went to Costa Rica this summer where I experienced the richness of living life in an almost completely natural way with little to no need for anything materialistic. I saw people living with what seemed to be absolutely nothing, but they still walked with smiles on their faces and joy in their hearts because they were alive and able to enjoy the beauty that surrounded them. I want that. I want that all the time; I want to grab onto it and hold that feeling close to me forever so that I never lose it. I want that life for myself and I know that I'm capable of having it. I didn't finish exploring Costa Rica to the depths that I know I want to, which is why I know I'll be back. But even with what I did get to experience, I felt myself be shaken awake from the complacency I'd settled into here at home.

My dad had a heart attack two weeks ago. MY dad. My 56 year old dad who runs trails up in Arroyo two or three times every week, golfs and eats relatively healthy for someone who is as busy as he is. Talk about an absolute shock to the system. Thank God that there were some angels watching over him that day as I sat clueless in Los Angeles complaining about the heat and my co-workers. I can't say that I've ever been so scared in my whole life as I was when I came home and the answer to "Where's Dad?" was "Courtney, he's in the hospital. He had a heart attack this morning." I've never felt such an immediate pull to need to be somewhere with someone as soon as humanly possible as I did that afternoon. I could have lost my dad that day. And if that doesn't scare the shit out of you and make you value life and time with those you love that I don't know what will.

I spend a good portion of every day of my life with children. I teach swim lessons in the mornings, I guard open swim in the afternoon, and I go coach age-group swimming in the evening. How blessed am I to have decided what I want to do with my life and how I want to spend my career-life; I will be in a career that keeps me young and energetic and reminds me why it is important to have so much passion. Not to mention if I ever feel I'm losing some passion and need a refresher, it only takes a few minutes with a group of kids to reinvigorate a zest for life.

Moral of the story: it was a good summer. I've got some new appreciations and I'm proud of the direction that I'm going in my life - mentally and physically. Life is a beautiful thing.

The Dynamics Have Changed

But nothing makes my heart hurt like seeing my best friend's name show up on caller ID when he's across the country. It sounds terrible to say he never calls unless something is wrong, but it's true. I'm by no means bitter about that; we can text and Facebook chat for days bantering back and forth. When he's home and he calls me - he's bored and wants to go do something. But it's those months that he's away that phone calls turn into worries.

I wouldn't want it any other way, I'm glad that he calls me when he's having a rough day. I just wish that there was more that I could do for him; I will always wish that. No matter where I'm at in my life, no matter how many days have passed without us talking, no matter how far away he is...I will always wish that there was more that I could do for him.

I haven't worn make-up in six days.

My hair is chlorine blonde.
My only laundry is a couple work uniforms.
I've got some sweet tan lines (sarcasm intended on the "sweet" part).
I ran 2.5 miles last night.
I've finished the Hunger Games series.
Boyfriend is coming up for an adventure weekend on Friday.
That pretty much sums up summer. :) I can't complain.

Oh yeah, and I went to Costa Rica for the first five weeks of summer. Which explains my extended absence from this blog, as I was tumblr-ing only on my Travel Blog. I'm behind on my final post on that blog too, but it will be there soon. I could talk about my adventures there for forever, but you should just check it out for yourself instead if you're curious - junioencostarica2012.tumblr.com .

I've been in a little funk for the last week because I'm in love with my life but I'm not in love with my current situation. I love my family but I am absolutely not content with living at home. I love Ventura but it is not where I want to be for the rest of my life. I don't want to force myself to be here for so long that I end up resenting everything about it. And sometimes I struggle a little bit because that's what I feel that I'm doing here. I'm so adamant about not being like the majority of people here who grow up and just settle for the same lives that their parents lead in the same town with the same people. That's not me. And Costa Rica really only reinforced that point in my mind. I'm not made to stay here and I'm definitely not made to live with my parents any more. It's not doing good things for our already consistently strained relationship.

So I'm doing what I can to enjoy summer. But I miss everything about school, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't counting down the days until I move back into Grace and resume the life that feels as if it has been put on hold since the moment I returned from Costa Rica.

The biggest difference between this summer and last summer is that I don't feel as if I'm lost. I don't feel like I'm doing soul searching this summer, like the last few summers have afforded me to. Because I don't need to do any more. I know who I am. I know what I want. I don't know where my life is going or where life will take me, but I'm okay with that. I'm confident enough to just go with it and let it take me where it takes me. I can deal with each new situation as it comes my way. And I absolutely cannot express how wonderful it feels to be at that position in my life.

Hey, guess what?

I'm coming back. :)
Life is mellowing down and my mind and my hands are itching to write.
Stay tuned!

This is my life

I'm leaving for Costa Rica in 12 days. I will be there for a little over a month, taking Spanish class and having the adventure of a lifetime.

I have a boy who told me that he wants us to be exclusive for the summer, come back in the fall and make everything official. He goes out of his way to talk to me, he's taken me on dates, and he wants to be around me as much as I want to be around him.

I have officially earned enough money to pay for my trip to Costa Rica. I worked my butt off for the last semester, and it has actually paid off.

I unpacked a semester's worth of crap in under two days. Boo yahhh.

I'm laying in my ginormous bed contemplating whether I want to swim and then read out in the sun tomorrow, or read in the sun and then swim. Right?

Life is good.

When you least expect it...

Well what do ya know? I stop looking, I get frustrated and mad at myself and POOF! Something with potential. A boy with potential. I am now 100% a believer that these things happen when you least expect it; because clearly, by my last post, I was absolutely not expecting this. If you don't want to listen to me be a giddy girl, stop reading right.....now.


My mind is absolutely blown. I'm still having a rough time with accepting that it's okay for someone to actually be this nice to me. Like, it's okay for me to have butterflies and want to talk to someone. I don't absolutely have to be as independent as I have been for the last few months. I deserve to be treated respectfully by a boy, not as a convenience but as a valued part of someone's day. We've done absolutely nothing but hang out and talk and get to know each other. It started with a group of people, and now we're pretty comfortable just hanging out by ourselves. And as much as a part of me is sometimes like, "Oh my gosh, this is moving so slowly," I'm glad that it is. I'm not in a rush for anything. I don't want a strong commitment right now - I'm about to spend a month of my life having the time of my life in Costa Rica. But I just feel so comfortable; I don't feel like I have to try and be someone I'm not. I don't feel like I have to dress to impress all the time. My roommate was joking with me today before he came over with help on homework and she said, "You're nervous!" and I replied with, "No, I'm not nervous at all and that's the part that's really strange!" Conversation flows easily. He can take my sass and he can dish it back at me, without being a douche bag about it. We can be serious and we can be funny.

Don't worry. I'm not getting ahead of myself. I do realize school is over in two weeks and that I'm leaving for Costa Rica in four. But I'm also not counting this one out entirely. Yeah...there's not a lot of time left now, but you never know what could happen in the next semester, right? Maybe it will be worth waiting the whole summer for. Or maybe it won't. You can't know for certain; it just takes time. I've just got a good feeling.

It still makes me nervous that I feel this way sometimes. I still get a little inkling to run because I know that I'm making myself vulnerable to be hurt. But even if I do get hurt...I lived through the first couple and I can make it through another one, if I have to. I know I can. I just gotta keep reminding myself of that. And I gotta remember to just take it one. day. at. a. time.

But in the mean time....EEEEEP!!!!! :D

A Little Bit of a Crossroads

This is going to be a strange post. I feel a little bit weird even writing it down because it's something my brain hasn't even fully acknowledged up until quite recently. But it's a journey in my life, so therefore I think it's something that I should have written down, at least once. This is going to start with some really random and unexpected stuff, but I can pretty much promise it won't end the way you'd assume it would.

For the past few weeks, I've been having dreams about my ex-boyfriend. Dreams where he's trying to win me back, willing to do whatever it takes to be with me again. And in my dreams, there is not a doubt in my mind (dream mind and real mind) that I would not take him back no matter what he did. Of course, I have a hard time being mean to him, although he deserves it more than anyone else I know, but my lack of directness with him in these dreams is never confused with uncertainty about my feelings for him. When I woke up after the first one, I was pretty proud. I gave myself a pat on the back and said, "Hell no, we'd never take that stranger back!" But then it happened again - different scene, same concept. And again. And again. And again.

So then I just got frustrated. Why is this happening? Why now? I don't ever see him, I very rarely think of him, and not once have I missed him. So why all these dreams? I don't have an answer to that (see, not the conclusion you were expecting).

The only thing I can think of that could be even remotely related is my recent adventures into the inner workings of my mind that have brought up my issues with trust of the male species. And generally, that lack of trust is something that he as a symbol is representative of. Possibly? Sounds at least a little logical, right?

I'm gaining confidence in all aspects of my life. I love myself, I love who I am, and I love the potential I see for myself in the future. But I still grapple almost daily with the ability to trust. Let's be honest, I fight myself to convince myself to even believe the people that are closest to me. And it's always the boys. I don't know...my skepticism doesn't fit with the rest of my life and my character. It doesn't make sense to me, so I don't even know where to start to make it better.

I've been writing this post for a couple days. Because it's hard for me to figure out what to say, it's hard for me to understand, and I feel like I should have come up with some sort of solution by now. But I haven't. I'm over the first boy, but I'm left with all this baggage that I don't know what to do with. Just yesterday I confidently had a conversation with a boy who I had a little spark for; but I'm already in the process of convincing myself that there's no potential and that I don't really even like him even a little. The same as always.

I don't know where to begin. So rather than begin, I just keep to myself and let it all pass by.

I'm sick and I'm tired and I'm mad at myself. Hmph.

Extended Absence

Guess what?? That time of the year where I have to abandon my blogging for term papers and projects and reading snuck up on me this year! Or maybe it just started earlier than normal. Hm. Well either way, the last few weeks have not been without their challenges, but I'm enjoying the semi-calm of spring break this week and preparing myself for the storm ahead.

I was in some rough patches, some doubts, the last couple of times I wrote. I had to go back and read them. Something had shaken me, I don't know if it was something specific or I was just feeling mentally week, but something was off. Either way, I got over that since then. I'm feeling good again. I'm feeling blessed. The dullness of everyday life is still there, but I know with time, adventure will come. And for the time being, I just need to make the best of what I have and make it through the rough stuff so that I can enjoy the future. :)

Remember when I posted about the potential of living by myself, and how it was and idea I'd been playing with? Well, between house-sitting and spring break, I've gotten a chance to really try that idea out. And...I think I'm sold. It's great. It's relaxing and quiet and clean. I just feel like so much of my life is LOUD and CHAOTIC that it's nice to come home in the afternoon and just have peace and quiet. Don't get me wrong, I love my roommates, but having my own space is ingrained in me. I never shared a room as a child because it was just me; I was thrown into school where I lived with three other girls and I adjusted better than many people expected me too. But I really do love my independence. And it just feels so much more free when it's just me. I'm going to enjoy it for the next few days, that's for sure.

You'll have to forgive me if the next four weeks don't involve a lot of writing. I will come back, I love it too much to stop. It's not that I don't have things to say - I always have things to say and thoughts running through my mind - I just don't always have the time to write them down.

Get a Grip

Just when I thought that it was all over and I was moving on because it was required to happen; it was the only option - something changes again. And the one dysfunctional relationship I keep wishing to NOT happen in my favor, continues to do so. What are the odds?

I've had John Mayer's "Half of My Heart," stuck in my head since I woke up this morning. Coincidence? I think not. That's exactly how this relationship makes me feel. Like only half of my heart is invested in it. And the other half is skeptical and undetermined and closed off. Half of my heart adores the nights spent staying up late, talking about life, falling asleep feeling safe and protected. But the other half is turned off by the history, the life choices, and the next days. I war I thought I had gotten rid of, only to resurface about 2 months later when the military decides to be nice to me and the people in my life. THE ONE TIME that I would rather it be mean and brutal to my relationships with people, it goes the opposite way.

Philosopher me wants to say: so is that a sign? Rational me says: no that's just life. I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know and it is driving me bonkers.

On the Flip Side

After that last post from over the weekend, this week has been reminding me that I need to count my blessings; and I was lucky enough to add some more to the list.

I had a midterm presentation last week, and for the first time in my whole entire academic career, I got comments that said things like, "Spoke confidently," and "Seemed comfortable speaking to the group." It doesn't sound like a big deal, and at face value it really isn't. But if you know me, and you know where I used to be, you'd understand. If you knew how my insecurities used to paralyze me when I stood up in front of a class to give presentations, you'd understand. If you knew what a journey it has been over the last year for me to learn how to love and accept myself, you'd understand. You'd understand what an impact a simple comment like that has on my self-perception. It's kind of like someone saying, "Here, you've worked so hard and now you get a bowl of ice cream." I am proud of myself, because I think I've come a long way...and things like that are really affirmations that it is a visible change in my demeanor and the way I carry myself.

My best friend is home. :) Have you ever had one of those people in your life...where all they have to do is walk in a room and instantly everything feels better? That's what it's like. I may only see him for short periods of time, and those times may be only three times a year...but that's okay. Because nothing changes...the support and the love are there no matter where in the world he is and no matter where in the world I am. I'm a lucky girl, and I'm thankful to have him in my life every day.

In addition to those two spirit-lifting events in my life, I have been nothing short of blessed by my good friend Cortney. Early in the semester she asked if I would come to the pool early and kind of coach her, mostly help her stay on task and spice up the workouts a little while she trains for the 2012 Para-Olympics. Just this last week, she informed me that she would like to pay me for my services, because she heard that I was looking for another job to supplement my income to help pay for my studies in Costa Rica this summer. Stunned, I told her I appreciated it, but she didn't have to do that. She insisted, saying that she wants to help support me and my learning and my goals to become a better teacher. I was speechless. I still am. "Thank you," seems inadequate.

Bad days and low moments are acceptable. As long as I remember all the beautiful things I have to lift me up. :)

Restless

I used to say that I went through phases of this. But those phases have gotten consistently longer until they eventually blended into a normalcy for my life. Restless is my constant companion. I'd like to attribute him to my knowledge of the upcoming Costa Rica trip, but I don't really know that it's just that. I have other things that I've been dwelling on that he takes as an open invitation to curl up next to my feet as I methodically work my way through homework and studying and projects and work.

Part of it is, I don't know where home is. That's a new one for me. Freshman and sophomore year of college, when I'd go back to my parents' house, I felt that that was home; that was where I belonged. But last summer, something changed. And this year has been different. When I'm at school, I want to go home. But when I'm at home, I want to be at school. Which, by using deductive reasoning, tells me that I don't really want to be at either place. I love my parents and I have both fond and not-so-fond memories of the town I grew up in - I have no hostility toward that. But I feel that I have outgrown it. That is my parents' home, a place that I go to visit. A school is a place that I go to learn, but it is only temporary.

And that makes me feel stuck. And there is nothing I hate more than being stuck. I want to move, I want to grow, I want to try new things, I want to act spontaneously, I want to love and be loved, I want to be challenged. I am so unchallenged right now that it sometimes makes me ache. Every day is the same stuff, but at this point, I don't really have a choice to drastically change that. I mean, I can make little changes, but I have to get my degree, I have to finish school so that I can have the life I want. And the little changes don't make me feel any less stuck.

I need my own home. But I don't know where that is. I want to go find it. But I'm tied to this temporary place because I want a specific future for myself that I know will present me with challenges daily. Who knew the road to the career with endless challenges would be so drab? I'm lacking a sense of belonging and I think that is what is truly making me restless. I'm happy with myself and the choices I've made and the person I'm becoming. And I'm proud of myself. But I am desperately in need of some spice, some variety, something to break this damn monotony that I've been circling around for the past year.

Imagine you're stuck in a desert and you've been walking for hours with nothing to drink. Finally, you emerge and find yourself at this restaurant where you order a nice cold glass of water, but the waiter says, "Sorry you can't drink that yet, you have to wait." It's just outside of an arms reach for you, and you just have to stare at it and wait. And wait. And wait. Rough stuff, right? That's me and Costa Rica.

Restless has unpacked his suitcase and set up a bed on my bedroom floor. He knows when I wake up, he knows when I leave, he knows my class schedule, he knows when I work, and he even knows when I go to the gym. He wakes up to my alarm, he follows me out the door, he sits beside me in class, he watches me work, and he chases me...no matter how much I try to run away from him, he's always right there behind me. However, I've heard he has a fear of flying...someone help me get my feet off the ground...

A letter to my Roo.

First off, I need to say that I love you and I still consider you my best friend for forever and a million years. We are going to be old ladies together laughing about the same dumb shit we laugh about now. That hasn't changed, isn't changed, and never will change. I will never have a friend like you or that will be able to replace you or be able to mean to me what you mean to me. We're a special breed you know, not many people make it through middle school, high school, and college and still have the same best friend through all of that.

But I know we've both been ignoring the big elephant in the room recently. I didn't know how to talk about it, nor did I really want to talk about it because it's a hard conversation to have. How do you tell your best friend that you've lived with for three years in college that you aren't going to live with her anymore? It has absolutely nothing to do with not liking you or not wanting to be around you or anything like that. But we are at two different places in our lives, different places that making living together more difficult. You have a serious boyfriend who you want to spend a lot of time with, I understand that. But like I've mentioned in other years, I don't want to spend that much time with him. Spending time with you and him is not the same as spending time with you. YOU are my friend, I'm friends with him in whatever way I am because I love you. But that doesn't mean I want to see him four times a week and get to see you only Mondays through Thursdays. It doesn't mean I want to share an apartment meant for four with five people for over half of the week.

I haven't felt like I could talk to you about these things, because every year I've tried and it hasn't changed anything. So I gave up. And I just started doing my own thing and ignoring the situation. I know you've noticed, and I know that may have not been the best thing to do. But I felt defeated and I didn't know what else to do.

I knew this was going to be hard, it's hard for me to think of not living with you either. I feel lonely too. But I felt like if I tried to do another year, it was going to start to actually hurt our friendship. And I can't bear for that to happen...I couldn't take it if it did. I love you and I miss you, but I don't want to force you to change your situation because it is different than mine. Wherever I'm living, because I truthfully don't know at this point yet either, I want you to come over all the time. I want to have afternoons where we just hang out and watch movies and eat. I want to go on gym dates. I know not living together will be weird, but it won't be the end of life, you know?

I had to tell myself that, because it was a hard decision for me to make. But you know what? We're both growing into beautifully confident women and functioning members of society, and no matter who we live with, we will always have each other to fall back on when we stumble, lean on when we get tired, and run away to when we need a break, and giggle with when we're just feeling too silly to be with anyone else. You know that you can come to me at any hour of the day, whether it be a phone call, a text message, an email, or a knock on my door, and I will be there for you and I will do my best to help you with whatever it is you need me for. And I'm still confident that you would do the same. And that is a better deal than a lot of people in this world have, so I think we're pretty gosh dang lucky.

I haven't given up, I haven't let go, I just stepped back to focus on things for myself for a while. But I didn't want you to get the wrong message from that. I love you and I want what's best for you, and even though it's hard, I really think this is going to be best for both of us. We've made it through a lot of things that people said we wouldn't, I think we will be okay for this one too.

<3

The Multitude of Reasons for My Absence

I know, I know...I've been gone from here for a really long time. It's driving me mad and I think about it often. Here are my excuses for not blogging, because I haven't enough brain power to write anything of meaning.

-I have about 20 forms to fill out for Costa Rica within the next month.
-I have scholarship forms to fill out to help finance for Costa Rica.
-I have a Cal History midterm on Friday.
-I have a History and Principles of PE presentation next Friday.
-I volunteer 8 hours a week in a kindergarten classroom.
-I have a lesson plan to write and teach in two classrooms before the end of March.
-I have 15 hours of observation to do in a classroom in the next month (in addition to kindergarten).
-I'm learning a second language.
-I work two jobs - one with kids under 10 and one with college kids.
-I also babysit or housesit on some weekends.
-I have other meetings/appointments that come with the last few months of a school year.

...and sometimes I get to sleep. And occasionally eat. Haha, but really, I'm not complaining. I like being busy, but some days...I'm definitely ready to rip my hair out.

Another Sunny Day

Last night I went to bed because I was so excited to wake up to a new day. Yesterday was so awesome that I couldn't wait to do it all again today. Isn't that crazy?? I don't remember the last time that happened. I think it has a lot to do with this sunny February weather...today's high is projected to be somewhere between 75 and 80 degrees. Yesterday was about the same.

Days like this remind me why I'm absolutely in love with living in Southern California. And as much as I want to travel and experience the world and other cultures and other environments...this will always be my home. I will always thrive on the sun and warmth and the beach and the bright blue sky. Nothing makes me feel at home more than that.

Yesterday after class I went out to the park with Emily and laid in the grass reading (for class of course; life isn't that easy). We drove back to school, stopped to pick up some sodas from the Centrum that we paid for in all change, and then set up lawn chairs in the sun in her front yard and read for another two hours before I went to work. I was so content and blissful. It was such a great feeling; blame it on the extra Vitamin D or whatever you will, but I am going to soak it all in until the rain comes back later this week.

Laying out in the sun and thinking about how content I was, I was also reflecting on how great it is to not feel like I'm searching for something. For the last view years, I've felt this persistent tug in the back of my mind telling me I needed to constantly be looking for something - validation, new friends, better grades, a boyfriend, ways to calm myself down...but I don't feel like that anymore. And this is the longest consecutive time that I haven't felt that way, and I think I'm going to take that as a good sign.

I would love to stay and get really philosophical on here, but the sun is calling my name. ♥

Dear You,

"Well one, you don't ever subjugate yourself to someone like that. You are worth so much more than that. I don't even know the guy and I want to kill him because of how he made you feel. And two, and probably the most important point to keep in mind, is you are always wanted and you always belong somewhere and that's with me. You have helped me through more things than you will ever know because most of the time you didn't know you were helping. But just like you have been for me, I am always here for you, no matter how far away you are. You always belong, and you are always important. Don't ever forget that Court."

Our friendship has always been a wild ride; I think the basis that it was formed on should have been an indicator that it would be nothing short of just that. You were a new student in senior year with a past I couldn't even begin to fathom, and we started talking days after my long-term boyfriend shattered my world. Let's be honest, we were less than stable haha. I never would have guessed in a million years that that night after Claire's show with me chasing you around the parking lot trying to get my dad's keys back would have turned into this.

We are, in every sense of the phrase, a friendship based on give and take. I know all friendships are, but ours surpasses anything I've ever experienced before. We give unquestionably and we take without guilt because we are confident that the other would do the same thing if the situation was reversed. I'm just in awe when I look back and see everything that we've gone through and recognize how very little it has phased us in terms of the strength of our friendship.

I posted this quote because it has sat on my computer for almost 2 years as a reminder to me of a few different things:
1. I am important.
2. I am never alone.
3. I have the best friend in the whole wide world.

If I could attribute the strength I have gained over the last year to a single person outside of my self, it would be to you. You are the first person who said things like this to me that I actually believed. I needed to really feel that someone else believed in me before I was able to believe in myself. I don't know what it is about you that made me really hear it when it came from you; I think it was just knowing how much of life you have experienced, knowing how much you've overcome, knowing that you were different than everyone I'd grown up with...all of that came together with the fact that you made efforts to stay in contact with me, you said these wonderful things to me with such a sincerity that something just clicked for me. You've given me so much courage and so much strength...or maybe not given it to me, but forced me to realize that if I'd really look inside myself, I'd find that those things had been there all along.

You have made me question everything I thought I was ever sure of, and sometimes I absolutely hated it. Sometimes I didn't understand it. Sometimes I desperately wanted to understand it, but you knew I wasn't ready. I'm not going to say that you've made me the person that I am at this moment; but I will say with complete honesty that you are the one who made me realize the person that I could be, and I feel that is infinitely more important.

Why am I writing all of this right now? Well, I've been thinking about it for a couple weeks, but have lacked the time and the language to adequately convey what I wanted to say. I'm still not satisfied with this entirely, but I don't think I ever will be because words are not enough to express what I want to say. "Thank you," and "I love you," are never enough, but I guess if you know when I say those things I mean all of this stuff and even more when I say them, then my point is made.

My other reason for this post is because this is a big weekend for you, and as your best friend, I absolutely could not be more ecstatic for you. To you, and even to people who have known me over the past few years, my excitement over this may be a little unexpected...but I've come a long way in a couple months. For so long, I have wanted nothing but happiness for you, and this weekend you are going to take the first step in what I know is going to be a lifetime of happiness. There is absolutely nothing in this world that could top the feeling that I get when I see you enjoying life as much as you do when you're with her. You deserve that and so much more and it is for that reason that I absolutely cannot contain my excitement. I'm so proud of you for not giving up when the rest of the world would have counted you out. Your strength and your determination and your perseverance will always be admirable to me. I absolutely cannot wait to watch you continue to grow and create this life for yourself. She is a very lucky girl.

I know that I'm best friend number two now, and I wouldn't accept that position if it had been anyone other than the woman you intend to marry taking the top spot. :) Thank you poohad, for everything you have ever said to me or done for me or helped me with...because I could not have made it to this point in my life without you. Thank you for finally making me believe that I am important, that I am worthwhile, and that I will always have a place in this world. I am forever and ever grateful. Now stop being sick, get healthy, and get all those clues in place! :)

Love you always,
Me.

A True Test

Sometimes I seriously contemplate living completely on my own. I want to say it entered my mind when I went to visit Trevor in San Francisco about a year ago; but being at a very different mental place in my life then, I quickly dismissed it as something I'd never be able to transition to successfully.

But the more strength I've found in myself, the more I find the idea entering my mind. Not to live by myself for forever, but to just do it for a little and test my strengths. It would be a challenge for me. And lately I've been at this spot in my life where I'm not okay with doing things that I don't feel terribly challenged by. Living by myself scares me a little bit - I freak myself out when I'm home alone. But I can face that fear. I can learn how to manage my time and do what I want and how I want to every day without the interference, unless they are a welcome one. I always go through a stage when I get back to living with my family where I don't want to do anything - I don't want to cook for myself, I don't want to do laundry, I just want to sit and wish I had someone to take care of me. But each time I go away from home, that stage gets shorter and shorter.

I think I could accept that challenge. But...it's definitely not going to happen for quite some time. I have another year of school and then my credential year after that. To be quite honest, I can't afford to live on my own. But I think I would if I could. At least for a year. It could be fun. But mostly I think it would help me to better learn who I really am; it'd be a huge test of everything I think I've learned about myself in the last year.

I just need a change. SO BAD. I'm getting a little on the desperate side, but I absolutely cannot be content with doing the same thing every day like I have been doing. And a day trip to Malibu is not going to solve anything, just so we're clear. I'm a new 21 year old and I feel stagnant. I know I'm doing things now so that I can have the life that I want in a few years, but does that mean everything has to be so simplistic and repetitive in the here and now?

Grammy Rant

So here's my problem. Yes, Chris Brown beat up a woman, and that is never acceptable. I'm not here to say that's okay and he should get off easy with no repercussions. Yes, women who have been beat before will take extreme offense to his actions. No, thankfully, I have never been in that situation.

But the only reason people even know he did anything is because of how wild the media is. If the media wasn't so up in celebrities faces, this probably would have been a private affair that he dealt with on his own and no one would have known and no one would have had issue with him. I'd be shocked if celebrities from 50 years ago weren't involved in crimes of the like; but there wasn't a media frenzy back then like there is now so people wouldn't have known. Frank Sinatra could have beat up a girl when he was 20, but fans wouldn't have heard about it, thus his popularity remains intact and wholesome (no offense, Frank, just for examples sake). The point is, music is separate from personal life choices. And I don't think one offense is enough to slam someone's career into the ground over 3 years later.

Girls have been saying some pretty immature things over the last 24 hours, along the lines of "Chris Brown can beat me up any day," but honestly, no one is above saying things like that. To most of those girls, it was probably a joke. And inappropriate jokes are something everyone is affected by in their life. I don't think I've ever met someone who has never in their entire life laughed at a joke that could have been perceived as racist, sexist, or inhumane to an individual or a group of individuals. I do it, I'm guilty; I have moments of immaturity. And if it wasn't a joke for them...oh well! Like unfortunate for them that somewhere in their life they were failed by someone and that is terribly sad; but that really has nothing to do with Chris Brown. And their statement has everything to do with ONE act by ONE person in his OWN life that many people now use as the single thing that defines their perception of him.

I would hate it if people knew the lows that I sunk to in the lowest part of my life and used those to define who I am. Forget that I am a college student with an above average GPA, I've been a hard working employee since I was old enough to have a job, and that I'm a talented instructor and future educator of this country. That doesn't matter because one time, I got involved in a relationship to make myself feel wanted because I couldn't find it anywhere else. And one time I got drunk because I didn't want to feel anything at all. NOTHING ELSE I do matters because at one point in my life, I did those things.

Yep. So, Chris Brown, while I think that was a terrible thing you did, I think you deserved those Grammys because musically and in your own right, you have talent in the industry. And just because your fame has ruined your private life, I do not think that your musical talents need to suffer because of one decision. Because people make mistakes, and people grow and change and learn. Now if you do it again, shame on you for not learning from that mistake and not seeing it as an opportunity to learn; that's where a lot of us get lost.

End rant. Why not focus on how wonderful Adele was, or how beautiful Jennifer Hudson's tribute to Whitney Houston and all the other lost musical greats was?

Feliz Cumpleanos a mi!

What a wonderful, worry-free birthday I have had! It felt great to just abandon my responsibilities for the last 48 hours and just enjoy myself; it's been hard to do that this last year because I'm always so inundated with school and work. I shouldn't really even call it abandoning my responsibilities, because I worked really hard ahead of time to make sure I had things taken care of in advance for the my birthday, knowing I wouldn't want to worry about things between my birthday and this afternoon.

Do I have a lot of homework to catch up on?
Am I exhausted?
Did I text a lot of people that probably didn't need to hear from me?
Did I do some silly things?
Yes, yes, yes, and yes. But it was all worth it because I had a damn good time. And I don't regret any of it.

I also received so many well-wishes and good thoughts and love - I truly am a lucky girl. I know some of those texts and Facebook wall posts were just the obligatory "Happy Birthday," but I also know there were a lot on there that meant it. And I got absolutely spoiled by my friends that were here to celebrate with me. All of my gifts that I received have a story behind them, a lot of thought put into them. And honestly, that will always mean more than the gift itself.

I am a lucky, lucky girl. And I don't remember the last time I had a birthday where I was this happy with where I'm at in my life. It's something beautiful, I tell ya.

Crazy Day

I did nothing academically productive; I had every intention to but it never really manifested into anything. But. I did have a fun day, which was greatly needed and appreciated. But now I'm just exhausted.

I went for a run today (on the treadmill of course, I need more practice before I run outside). Walked a quarter mile, ran 2 miles, walked another half mile. I need to get back into working out. Physically, I have become so lazy and I don't like it. But at the same time, it's hard to change that. I don't know how to find enough time during the week to go work out and still have time to do all my homework and get an adequate amount of sleep.

But my muscles need me to do something. I've been eating so much healthier this semester, but that's not enough. My body doesn't feel good, it doesn't feel healthy. I'm searching for some motivation, something to get me to go run for half an hour, even when I really don't want to. I've been so motivated for school since being back, but I'm lacking that motivation for anything else. Or maybe not lacking, but I have yet to find it. I just feel like I'm still struggling to find a balance.

But I want to be in better shape than I am right now, that's the first step right? I'm not really unhealthy right now, I'm thinner than I've been since probably before I quit swimming. But I don't feel good about my health. If that makes any sense. I think I need to allow myself to make time for these things. A friend of mine who works out quite regularly once compared her working out to being in a relationship - it's become such a habit that she feels like she is missing something if she doesn't go to the gym on a weekday. And the fact of the matter is, I have at least half an hour that I can commit to something everyday. I think.

Sometimes I wish that I wasn't so turned off to swimming, that I was more willing to use that as a form of exercise. Maybe that will return once I get back into regularly working out; I realize the water is where I really want to be. But for now, it's so hard to get myself in a pool, and yes, I am a little resentful that that is where I've ended up with regard to a sport that I was once so passionate about competing in. But swimming was always easy for me, I think I need something with more of a challenge because it doesn't come naturally to me. That's why I'm trying to run, because it is hard for me - mentally and physically.

I don't have any self-suggestions for myself on this one yet...other than to try and do better. Can that count as a goal?

Waking thoughts

Every day is full of choices. You are making some sort of decision every minute, whether it be a conscious decision or not. Sometimes people tend to think, myself included, that because so many individual choices are being made, we are entitled to be in control of the way things happen. In fact, a lot of the average person's life seems to center around this false sense of having control over situations and outcomes. We really have control over very little, with the exception of our own choices and reactions to what happens in the outside world.

But here's where the problem comes in - when we think that we can control the outside world, our reactions become slaves to external happenings. All because of a false sense of control. We want control; but we let something we have no control of drastically influence one of the few things we do have control of. Paradoxical, right?

I'm bad at this; really bad. My "big brother" tried to talk to me about this once a couple years ago, but it was all a little over my head at the time; although, I desperately wanted to understand what he was talking about. But I'm beginning to get it, and with that comes the realization that I very easily allow my emotions and my state of being to be influenced by things that are out of my control. I mix up sympathy and empathy with being a doormat for people to walk all over, drop things on, and wipe their dirty shoes on.

I feel things very deeply, I would never change that about myself. That makes me who I am. But I do get far too concerned with "what if's," when I need to step back and realize, "Okay, that may happen. But it is not a guarantee, and if it does happen, there isn't really anything I can do or could have done to stop it."

I think part of this problem comes from that whole confidence thing I've been talking about over the past few months. I need to feel more in control of myself and stop giving excuses for why I'm not. There is no excuse. I, as a human being, yearn to feel in control...but I often fall short in controlling the one thing that is my duty to control: myself.

So today? I'm going to put a smile on my face and choose to make the best of this day that I have been given. I am going to do my best to be the person that I want to be, and not let the external cause me to stray from my path. I am good enough the way I am.

I Feel Alone.

Welcome back

Is it wrong to be ready for bed at 8pm on a Friday night?

If your answer is yes: Too bad. I do what I want.
If your answer is no: Thank you! That makes me feel much more okay with the fact that it is in fact 8pm on a Friday night and I'm in my pajamas laying in my bed because I feel like I have no energy left for moving or functioning. Let's be honest, the fact that I'm even writing a blog right now should come as completely shocking. ;)

Okay, all joking and exhausted-ness aside, I am back at school after a month of doing absolutely nothing of importance every day, all day. Getting back in the routine is tough stuff. But my goal for the weekend is to get everything organized and planned out for the rest of the semester before I go back to class on Monday. It's doable.

Classes seem pretty okay this semester - a lot of reading and not a lot of writing, which I have a feeling will be a welcome change from the last semester. Kindergarten is beautiful, you'll see more about that if you take a virtual walk on over to my other blog. I'm back to eating healthy and working out at least semi-regularly. Life is good; back to the routine.

I turn 21 in 20 days. And yes, I am going to do the 21 stereotypical thing and go out and get drunk in celebration of my day of birth....I might even do it twice, or maybe even three times if I'm feeling rebellious.  But other than the few days after Eke turns 21, that will probably be the extent of my partying for the semester.

And also - obviously I don't have anything to say about my "personal growth" on this post. I just felt like posting to post. (Yes, I'm still stuck on this and irritated about it). Obviously this one was full of sass. Meh, it happens.

Flip flop

Sometimes I scare myself, you know? It scares me how easily I can pull away from someone and simplify my relationship with them without them even knowing. And how often I do that.

I know that I have trust issues, and as much as I want to pinpoint them on one member of the male species and blame him for all of my problems...I can't. That may have been the domino that started it all, but I'm the one that keeps it going. Between a series of bad decisions with some bad eggs and an overwhelming need to run from the first sign of trouble, I became the girl that prematurely pushes 95% of the people in my life away before they can get close.

But being forever the optimist, I'm just realizing that this blog isn't going to be about what I thought it was going to be about; I am compelled to point out what good comes from that. Or more so, what thanks are due. Thank God for the 5%...the ones that let me push as hard as I want and don't move an inch, or sometimes even push back a little. I'm a pretty independent person, I like to rely on myself. But I couldn't do it without that handful of people. And I think the people who are in that 5 percent know who they are; they're the ones that have stuck around through a lot of ups and downs. Chances are, if you have any doubt you're in that group, you probably aren't.

But if you feel confident I'm talking about you, I probably am. And thank you. Thank you for fighting my fire with fire and not giving up on me even when I'm difficult. At least I know that my 5% is the real thing; some people never find the real friends in their life.

Damn, I'm lucky. I'm glad I turned this rant around. Self, this conversation is over.

Shaken But Not Broken

I'm sorry about my out of character last post, but my feelings were hurt; heck, they still are. But I've at least calmed down enough to write coherent thoughts and feelings.

I'm ashamed to say that even for a few hours, I allowed someone to make me question why I write this blog. A part of my life that I am so confident about...and I felt that I failed to explain myself adequately. But as quickly as I questioned, I stopped. I don't have to explain myself or my blog or why I do it in the style that I do. And I should never let anyone tell me I'm not doing the "right" thing on my blog. I've said from the beginning, I don't expect anyone to read this. If they do, so be it. But that's not what it's here for.

I post opinionated things on here, some more opinionated than others. I openly admit that my ideas and beliefs are in a constant state of change, but at the core they are solid. I have a general opinion, but my reasons for having that opinion are still developing and changing; I'm only 20 years old! My general opinion comes from what I believe is right in my heart, and any details related to that I talk my way through. That's just how I am. But I don't like to talk my way through it with condescending people who tell me I can and can't do things. I like to talk my way through it with people who understand me and my curiosity and how I work, which happens to be a very select group of people in my life. For that reason, I don't go into a lot of serious debates with people because I know that a "belief in my heart" is not enough for debate purposes.

Being forced into talking about something with someone who isn't in that select group makes me shut down and get frustrated because I know that I can't support it and I feel that it is disrespectful to bring up such heavy conversation with someone who has specifically said they don't wish to talk about it. Yes, in retrospect, I shouldn't have even answered the first question that was fired at me. I should have paused for a moment and acknowledged my frustration and once again repeated I was not going to discuss it. But should I really have to say it more than once?

That wasn't even the part that really upset me. I felt attacked beyond that when I said I was using this blog for personal growth and this person said I couldn't grow unless I intake things and I couldn't possibly use this blog for that because I'm not challenging things I already know. He went on to say he wasn't attacking me personally, but is it wrong of me to take that personally? Because I feel that is very personal. I don't really think anyone else is in the position to tell me how I am going about MY personal growth.

I am who I am. I'll change for myself, but not to meet anyone else's expectations of me. Sorry.

You know what I hate?

When people read my blog out of the blue and decide to test me on what I say. I don't blog on here for anyone but myself. So no, I don't feel that I have to defend what I say because I'm writing for myself. I'm pretty sure I said clearly in that last post that if you don't like what I have to say, you should stop reading. If you don't like what I have to say, so be it - but don't you dare EVER criticize what I have to say on here or how I say it.

Maybe if you read this more regularly, you'd understand that I don't just "say" these things, since apparently I'm just saying the same things that everyone says and that's not going to change anything. Maybe you would have known that I'm working on dedicating the rest of my life to changing things in the best ways I can. Maybe you wouldn't be so condescending and arrogant and think that you have the right to tell me how I should think.

If you don't like it, get off. And don't come back.

Here comes some opinions

I'm sick and extra feisty, which only increases how opinionated I am. Not that I wouldn't have an opinion about this otherwise, but it's just a little amplified. So let me preface this with saying, you are not obligated to agree with me; in fact, you can disagree with me completely. I really don't care, you can stop reading at any time.

So there's this quote: "Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it."

Last night I read an article about the mandate for California public schools to start implementing the education of key leaders in the Gay/Lesbian movement for equality into the curriculum. Obviously, people are freaking out. This guy was quoted in the article, and I wish I could remember what the article was or where it came from, but it was a very disturbing and narrow minded perspective...and I have to say, I was completely appalled. In more words or less, he supported the repeal of this bill or the mass removal of children from public schools because it would be persuading children towards homosexuality. Seriously?

Let's back up for a minute, in a brief reflection of that quote I mentioned earlier. The struggle for equality for slaves after their emancipation from slavery was a long, hard road. But it was ultimately decided that these people are citizens of this country, regardless of the color of their skin. They are still people. Yes, the Bible did say that slavery was acceptable, but we quickly realized that the context and the time that this was written was a long way off where we were at that point in history. The got the rights they deserved, but not without facing prejudice and torture along the way. It took another HUNDRED YEARS for blacks to really reach anything close to equality.

But here we are, doing the exact same thing. I don't know what it is, but for some reason people refuse to see the parallels. Yes, the Bible does condemn homosexuality - but just as it was with slavery, we are SO far from that way of thinking that you can't possibly use that as an excuse. Just because you teach about key leaders in the LGBT movement doesn't increase the chances that your child is going to become gay and more than teaching about Martin Luther King, Jr. is going to make your kid black. It's a real life thing. We don't shelter children from the realities of war and death and murder, so why should we shelter them from the fact that sometimes, a girl can like a girl and a boy can like a boy and that's just a part of the world?

I debated putting this on my other blog, because it is so closely tied to education and what has been a theme of my last couple posts.  But the opinion portion made this blog feel more appropriate. I just don't understand how people can be so ignorant of the past. Social history fascinates me; I understand that may not be everyone's cup of tea...but c'mon, at least know enough to prevent yourself from looking like a fool and failing to see that we are doing the exact same things we did hundred of years ago.

My art T.A. this year is in her credential year at my school - she told me a story about a little girl named Yakilin who came up to her and said, "Teacher, you know boys like girls and girls like boys...but sometimes boys can like boys and girls can like girls and grandmas can like grandmas and that's okay." Yeah. I'm sure it made you giggle - it made me laugh too - but think about it. This little girl is SIX years old, and she shows more wisdom than half the adults in this country. Kids are naturally accepting; they learn otherwise by the influences in their life.

So a big fat sarcastic thank you to all the intolerant adults in the world ensuring that intolerance will continue by influencing the open-minded.

Closure

I'm starting my New Year off perfect. Like really, no sarcasm. I feel like a clean slate (or a book with a blank 365 pages, if you're a regular follower). I spent the first 5 pages wrapping up old news and now is when it really begins.

But not without a little writing about the closure today. I don't have a lot to say about it; but I do have something. Most people, myself included, thought I'd found this closure a little over a month ago. I thought I had, but something was still a little unsettling. I don't like being mad at people, particularly when they go away for a long time. So I chose to move passed my frustrations and my fears for a night and just let things be as they had, reassured in the fact that it was definitely the end. And I ended on a good note, just like I wanted to.

I suck at goodbyes. But I said a big one today, whether I want to acknowledge it as being a big one or not. I felt a lot when I drove away, a tear was definitely shed. Not because I feel that I'm going to be missing something, but because I just worry about him. I know this is going to be good for him though, and good for me too.

Goodbye sense of obligation and sense of settling, I wish it hadn't been this way and that I was enough to cause a change, but I wasn't and I won't ever be. And you know what? That is completely okay. One door closes, but that doesn't mean there aren't plenty more that are already open and just waiting to be tried.