Leaving never really gets any easier

I cried for a solid 40 minutes on my way home from San Diego. And even now, you could probably look at me sideways and I would start all over again. I don't want to be here without Ray. I hate having to force myself to drive away and leave half of my heart in a place where I want so badly to stay.  I know it's only 16 more days until he's headed back up here and that's significantly less than the amount of days we just spent apart. I get that. But I don't want to wait anymore days. It's like a little heartbreak every time we pull away from each other and start yet another countdown. So tonight my heart is sad, and it might be tomorrow too. My drive to San Diego is such a different experience than my drive back to Los Angeles - but I want both to always be as fast as possible. On the way there, I can't wait to see the love of my life and explore. Coming home, I want to be out of the car as quickly as possible - like ripping off a band-aid - because the sooner the drive is over, the less I think about how stupid I am for driving away from the most important person in my life and the city that I adore. I'm going to bed now, because although leaving always makes me upset and is always hard...I'd venture to say half of that 40 minutes of waterworks was because I'm totally exhausted.

Back to the real world.

Sometimes, my mind is a conundrum

So remember how a while ago I wrote the post about how I don't deal well with not feeling like I can help someone? It's like...my optimism is so stubborn that it can't let go even when it really should so I get thrown into this whole tailspin where I'm at a total loss.

I was just thinking today, as things got a little stressful and overwhelming and I didn't know what to do - I really feed off the energy of people around me. Even if I'm completely uninvolved in the stressful situation surrounding me, I can sense the stress and before I know it, I'm equally as tense and worked up over something that doesn't even affect me.

But the real conundrum part is that when I'm feeling overwhelmed and stressed about other people's lives, I run to a book to read about someone else's stress via writing to distract myself and settle my mind. I don't make any sense.