I see the world a certain way. I don't see it as full of rainbows and butterflies, but I do see problems as having solutions and conflicts as having resolutions. I am a forever believer that there is a light at the end of every tunnel, even if you can't see it yet. I never doubt the potential for a situation to improve. That's just how I am; and usually it works out really well for me.
But in one aspect, it will always bring me conflict. In my language acquisition class, we learned about how the human mind yearns to be in equilibrium - it is for that reason that first language acquisition comes so naturally in a typically developing human. The mind wants to be able to communicate, so it learns a language quickly and readily to escape the disequilibrium that causes tantrums and crying to enter a stage of equilibrium where vocabulary and intonation are used effortlessly. When my optimism can't solve a conflict in someone else's life (which is rare) or in my own life (which is even more rare), I leave my typical feeling of equilibrium and enter this disequilibrium where I want to throw tantrums and cry because I don't know how to handle it. My mind and my innate personality is literally incapable of processing certain situations; when I feel helpless, I basically shut off.
My mom is the prime example. She has a lot of health problems. And I don't feel that I have anything to say that can make her change the way she sees her situation. So what happens? We fight. Because I'm just so frustrated! I don't even have the words to describe the kind of frustration that consumes me when I'm confronted with a situation where I don't feel like I can really do anything to help.
The other thing? It only ever happens when I can't help people that I really love. If I can't help someone who I just randomly met on the street? It will bother me for a little bit but I'll move on. But when it's someone close to me that I have spent years of my life loving...it consumes me.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Friday, January 4, 2013
Looking in from the other side
I went out to coffee with a friend who just finished his first semester away at college. He was telling me about all the changes in his life, breaking up with his girlfriend, his drinking escapades, and the "girl-at-home and girl-at-school" affair he has going on.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't completely disgusted by him. As soon as I heard the trash about "Well the girls know we're not exclusive," "It's just because I'm bored when I'm home," and "They don't mind," I was ready to go home. I told him that any girl who says she doesn't mind that he's seeing other girls and hooking up with her is lying to him and probably to herself as well. I told him she may think she is okay with it now, but I guarantee she won't be later. What did he do?
Laughed and said "Well you're probably right, but still."
But still what? What is missing in the minds of some guys (and girls) when they understand what bad effects this can have, "but still" they continue to do it? And what is missing in the minds of some girls (and guys) that causes them to believe that they should settle to be one of someone's many?
I know that I was once one of those girls who settled to be one of someone's many. I cannot even list the lies I told myself to justify that what I was doing was okay, or to convince myself that maybe I really was the only one. But now, being with someone who loves and respects me and wants to be with me and only me, I know that there was no justification.
I couldn't ever imagine treating a significant other the way I was treated, or the way I listened to this friend of mine describe his ongoing relationships with multiple girls. It also makes me a little bit sad because before he went to college, he had so much more respect for girls and never would have fathomed hooking up with multiple girls and treating them all like objects instead of human beings with feelings and needs.
It was a bummer to think about, but when he told me goodbye and he'd see me in August, the only thing I thought to myself was, "Maybe."
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't completely disgusted by him. As soon as I heard the trash about "Well the girls know we're not exclusive," "It's just because I'm bored when I'm home," and "They don't mind," I was ready to go home. I told him that any girl who says she doesn't mind that he's seeing other girls and hooking up with her is lying to him and probably to herself as well. I told him she may think she is okay with it now, but I guarantee she won't be later. What did he do?
Laughed and said "Well you're probably right, but still."
But still what? What is missing in the minds of some guys (and girls) when they understand what bad effects this can have, "but still" they continue to do it? And what is missing in the minds of some girls (and guys) that causes them to believe that they should settle to be one of someone's many?
I know that I was once one of those girls who settled to be one of someone's many. I cannot even list the lies I told myself to justify that what I was doing was okay, or to convince myself that maybe I really was the only one. But now, being with someone who loves and respects me and wants to be with me and only me, I know that there was no justification.
I couldn't ever imagine treating a significant other the way I was treated, or the way I listened to this friend of mine describe his ongoing relationships with multiple girls. It also makes me a little bit sad because before he went to college, he had so much more respect for girls and never would have fathomed hooking up with multiple girls and treating them all like objects instead of human beings with feelings and needs.
It was a bummer to think about, but when he told me goodbye and he'd see me in August, the only thing I thought to myself was, "Maybe."
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Happy 2013!
What a happy year it has started off as. I have good feelings for this year. Last year was good to me and I have so much to look forward to this year that I can't imagine it not being even better. Plus, it's really all in the mindset isn't it? Are external things really going to dictate how I perceive a year to have gone, or is it really going to be determined by my choice in reaction to such things? Hmm.
I spent my New Year's Eve in San Diego at a beach house with my wonderful, amazing, and pretty darn handsome boyfriend (first New Year's kiss ever), and I was completely overwhelmed with joy at how blessed I really am. I kissed him at midnight and then looked at him and felt like nothing in the world could possibly be that bad as long as I had him there with me. I could literally feel happiness swell up in my my heart. I love going on dates and having adventures, but I was completely content today sitting on the couch watching football, surrounded by his friends, with my feet on his lap and my fingers laced with his. I didn't have to think about school, I didn't have to think about money, I didn't have to think about work or bills or grad school or problems my family is having. Everything just was. It was what it was and I was completely in the moment and completely stress free.
I cried when I drove away, not only because I'm allowed to be emotional and because I'm not going to see my boyfriend for another three weeks as we both take independent trips back to the east coast, but because I knew I was leaving that contentment to walk right back into the stress and the work and the deadlines and the arguing. It's hard to do that. It's hard to leave somewhere that you want to be with every fiber in your being and drive three hours back to something you were so excited to escape. I don't mean for it to sound like my life here is horrible; it isn't. But my heart is in San Diego.
Whether I want to be or not, I'm home now. In my bed before 11pm because I have to get up at 5:15 to be at work by 7am tomorrow, where I will go back to smelling like bagels and coffee. I have to study for the CSET that I'm taking on Saturday so I can apply to a credential program that I cannot currently afford. I have to go to work again that evening. And then do it all over again on Thursday. So I've got to make the best of it, you know? Like I said before, my happiness is determined by my choices in reactions.
Somewhere in these monotonous schedules, I'm going to start working out again. I have to. I'm unhappy with what I see when I look in the mirror and that makes me sad because over summer I was the complete opposite. I'm going to get back in the pool - even if it kills me. I'm going to start walking, and then jogging, and then running. I want to look like I know I can. Some time between morning shifts and exams and homework and late nights, I fell out of love with being active and being healthy and found comfort in making excuses. That's not me. I can't be an advocate of healthy living and exercise for my little swimmers if I'm not practicing what I preach. So. I'm hoping that by writing it down, and it being the start of a new year, that I will actually stick to it this time.
I keep my New Year's posts off of facebook and tumblr and all that...but no one really reads this thing any more. So...thank you, 2012, for being so kind to me and giving me opportunities beyond what I ever could have dreamed - good grades, the adventure of a lifetime, the love of my life, the best of friends, the health of my family. And here's to 2013 - a year of more love, more friendship, graduation, new starts, and refreshed health. I'm looking forward to it. :)
I spent my New Year's Eve in San Diego at a beach house with my wonderful, amazing, and pretty darn handsome boyfriend (first New Year's kiss ever), and I was completely overwhelmed with joy at how blessed I really am. I kissed him at midnight and then looked at him and felt like nothing in the world could possibly be that bad as long as I had him there with me. I could literally feel happiness swell up in my my heart. I love going on dates and having adventures, but I was completely content today sitting on the couch watching football, surrounded by his friends, with my feet on his lap and my fingers laced with his. I didn't have to think about school, I didn't have to think about money, I didn't have to think about work or bills or grad school or problems my family is having. Everything just was. It was what it was and I was completely in the moment and completely stress free.
I cried when I drove away, not only because I'm allowed to be emotional and because I'm not going to see my boyfriend for another three weeks as we both take independent trips back to the east coast, but because I knew I was leaving that contentment to walk right back into the stress and the work and the deadlines and the arguing. It's hard to do that. It's hard to leave somewhere that you want to be with every fiber in your being and drive three hours back to something you were so excited to escape. I don't mean for it to sound like my life here is horrible; it isn't. But my heart is in San Diego.
Whether I want to be or not, I'm home now. In my bed before 11pm because I have to get up at 5:15 to be at work by 7am tomorrow, where I will go back to smelling like bagels and coffee. I have to study for the CSET that I'm taking on Saturday so I can apply to a credential program that I cannot currently afford. I have to go to work again that evening. And then do it all over again on Thursday. So I've got to make the best of it, you know? Like I said before, my happiness is determined by my choices in reactions.
Somewhere in these monotonous schedules, I'm going to start working out again. I have to. I'm unhappy with what I see when I look in the mirror and that makes me sad because over summer I was the complete opposite. I'm going to get back in the pool - even if it kills me. I'm going to start walking, and then jogging, and then running. I want to look like I know I can. Some time between morning shifts and exams and homework and late nights, I fell out of love with being active and being healthy and found comfort in making excuses. That's not me. I can't be an advocate of healthy living and exercise for my little swimmers if I'm not practicing what I preach. So. I'm hoping that by writing it down, and it being the start of a new year, that I will actually stick to it this time.
I keep my New Year's posts off of facebook and tumblr and all that...but no one really reads this thing any more. So...thank you, 2012, for being so kind to me and giving me opportunities beyond what I ever could have dreamed - good grades, the adventure of a lifetime, the love of my life, the best of friends, the health of my family. And here's to 2013 - a year of more love, more friendship, graduation, new starts, and refreshed health. I'm looking forward to it. :)
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