Happy New Year!

"Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one."

I saw that on another social networking site; it's not the typical New Year sentiment expression. Maybe that's where the appeal comes from, but I also just think it's an awesome way to look at the opportunities a New Year brings. Think about it: within a book, say a 365-page book, how often is it just a sequence of really awesome things all strung together with an awesome ending and everything is just happy-happy-happy? Never. Because a book needs plot and plot needs conflict and conflict generally requires some sort of negativity. But even when something bad happens - a hero gets thrown off course, love is unrequited, a loss is experienced - it's just a page or two of the whole story. Things don't always work out by the end of the book, but they don't end without hope or promise or knowledge that it really isn't the end. Life is definitely never a "happily ever after," but it's never really a "everything is gone and over" either.

So life is like a book; or at least that's how I think I want to live and think in the next year. Sure, it could be a page turner or it could be an easy read or it could be a challenging required read that I have to push myself to get through. It could be full of characters and adventures or it could be a tale of a personal journey of betterment. Those are things that I don't know, but there are things that I do know also. I don't want it to be a trashy summer read of a book, I want it to be a beautifully crafted novel worthy of the classics and the most praised of literature. I don't want it to be shallow and emotionally neutral, I want it to be rich and moving and full of real life. Those are things over which I have control.

Life is for living, in the good times and the bad times, in the hard times and the smooth times. I'm not really a resolution-ist, because I don't think you need a new year to make changes in your life. But, I will make one this year because I think it is appropriately unspecific for something like the start of a new year. My new years resolution is to fight stagnation in everything I do. In every way, I want to grow and change and learn and progress. Or even regress, because although it isn't positive, that is still something I am capable of learning from.

So happy new year to everyone, may your new book be riveting and full of growth and understanding. I'll be reading and writing my way through the New Year, but never in place of actually living.

Big News! Number 2

I'm starting another blog, not in place of this one...but in addition to this one. :)

If you're interested, you can find it here.

This is why I don't get mad at people.

I am moved. I am praying. I just had the most heart-wrenching conversation with someone I haven't talked to in a month because I was angry with him. I had every right to be...on the surface. But I failed to look deeper, and I'm a little ashamed of myself. My heart broke for him tonight; I hate that life is so hard for some people and so easy for others. I hate that I've known almost no real problems in my life and that I, more often than not, take that for granted.

Everyone has a reason for being the way they are; every person is a summation of their life experiences. And I think too many people aren't sensitive to that. Too many people mistake that sensitivity for "making up excuses" for that person's behavior. True, sometimes that is the case. I used to always give people the benefit of the doubt; I would be the person others would accuse of "making excuses" for someone else's behavior. And somewhere along the line, I started to believe that maybe I was just making excuses, and a little part of my heart hardened and closed off that sensitivity.

I don't like that that happened. And tonight, that hardened section of my heart bursted back to life. It hurt, something like a momentary heartbreak, but I think it was really just the shock of everything being pulled back together. Brought back to reality and back to being whole. I'm not that bitter person - I am sensitive to people's life experience because that is truly who I am. I should never have let the opinions of other people change that about me.

Yes, some behavior is inexcusable, I think that goes without saying. But I think that is a very small portion of all the possible things that could happen in this world. What happened between him and me...it's not inexcusable. In fact, it is highly likely that it was entirely related to the way he was raised and what he grew up with; and had I not closed off a bit of my heart, I would have known that all along.

So now all I can do is wait and hope it's not too late to end things on a good note. And the pray for him, pray as hard as I can. And remember that it was this moment that made me open up my heart completely again and be grateful that I was able to do that. So grateful.

"Remember to be gentle with yourself and others. We are all children of chance and none can say why some fields will blossom while others lay brown beneath the August sun. Care for those around you. Look past your differences. Their dreams are no less than yours, their choices no more easily made. And give, give in any way you can, of whatever you possess. To give is to love. To withhold is to wither. Care less for your harvest than for how it is shared and your life will have meaning and your heart will have peace." - Kent Nerburn

A Hot Mess of a Girl

That's how I described myself today. I didn't mean it negatively, not even a little bit. But I'm like, a messy office space. Stuff is everywhere. There's stuff that needs to be thrown away and there's stuff that needs to be filed and kept for the rest of my life. There's stuff I use frequently so I know where it is in the various piles and stacks of things, but there's also stuff I haven't used or thought of in years that I can't find. There's big things and little things. There's an assortment of ideas, memories, plans, thoughts, viewpoints, and opinions that need to be sorted, filed, and stored.

I can do all of this, but it takes a lot of time, you know? I've got at least 15 years worth of stuff going on all over the place. So I do a little bit and I take a break. But I really think its time to be more persistent.

Why was I describing myself like this? Because for the first time, I've been the one who has to say no to a guy who has a fairly decent sized crush on me. There are a lot of factors as to why it couldn't happen, most of which I don't feel the need to go into, but the part that really bothers me is that he truly is a nice guy. I told him, if the world had more guys who treated girls the way he does, it'd be far better off. I said I wished there were more people like that. And after I pretty much flat out rejected him, you know what he said, "I wish there were too. Especially for you."

Wow. Talk about a little burst of maturity on his end. But that's when I said it...I said for now, I'm a "hot mess of a girl," and I need to get my shit together before I can even really give anyone a chance. And I know that's going to take me some time. A lot of time. But I'll know when times up, I'll feel it.

Hot mess doesn't mean I'm not happy. I'm still happy; I'm just working on what I need to do to stay there and to fully be who I know I'm capable of being. I don't want to give myself to someone else if I'm incomplete. That's like starting a work of art, but not finishing and giving it to someone as a gift anyway. Giving less than my best? Never (well except for on the occasional term paper...besides the point).

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer." 

- Ranier Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

La pura vida

Costa Rica.

Let's be real: I think about it a good 75% of the time. What I can do to make sure it happens. How much it's going to cost me. Where I can pinch some pennies to save extra money. What I would get from the experience. What I would bring. What I might possibly do while I was there. I'm pretty sure I even dreamed about it last night. I know, right?

I read this thing today, an opinion blog really, but the most recent post on "How to Be Happy" was to do things that scare you. So let's break it down for a minute. I am absolutely terrified to the point of nervous excitement to know that I could possibly be spending a month in Costa Rica. Let's count the reasons why: 1) I will know absolutely no one, 2) I will be far away from my family and my closest friends, 3) I'd be completely submerged in a culture vastly different than the only one I've known my entire life, 4) I will not have my phone as a comforting technology to rely on, and 5) I really have no idea what to expect. Clearly, this is so far out of my comfort zone that it's not even visible in Heredia, Costa Rica.  I might as well be saying, "Comfort zone? What? Where? I can't find it." Because doing this would completely break the mold for me. Isn't that scary?? Aren't those 5 reasons typically enough to make me bolt in the opposite direction of an opportunity like this? This is where you would usually cue me to say, "Well yeah, this sounds like a fantastic opportunity, but I don't think it's going to work for me," and then I'd continue with some bullshit excuse as to why I wasn't going to face my fears and try something new, but what I would really mean is, "I'm too scared and that's really outside of my bubble and since I'm not comfortable leaving my bubble I'm just going to stay here."

But guess what? It's time to get uncomfortable. Yes, uncomfortable is really freaking scary. If everything continues to work out, I can only imagine how nervous I'm going to feel 5 months from this day (3 days before I would be boarding the plane to San Jose). But I'm ready. Despite any nerves or fears or doubts, I know I've never been more ready for anything in my life.  The comfortable is no longer satisfying; it's not enough. To grow, to learn, to become more of the person I want to be, I need to go on adventures. Adventures that shatter my comfort zone; not just where I stick my toes out like I'm testing the temperature of the water. No. I need to trust and hope and have absolute faith that I'm doing something that is going to have huge impacts on my life. I need to just run, jump, and take the plunge.

I don't think I've ever felt so sure that I need to do something as I do about making this adventure. I'd blog of course; I'd probably start a separate blog that my friends and family could read...and that I could read for years and years to remind me of the scariest and best decision I'd ever made. If it doesn't work out? Yeah, I've thought about it. Sure, I'll be really disappointed. But it's not the end of the world - I'll have other opportunities and I'll just have to trust that this time it wasn't meant to be. But I'm a little too mentally committed to this already for it to fall through. I was doing okay with staying on the fence until I came home for winter break - and got the support of my family and my employers. It feels real. It  is shaking me from the daily grind, breaking from tradition.

Just the thought alone is absolutely thrilling. I can't explain how it feels other than that. It's not even a reality yet - but it feels like it; like no excitement I've ever experienced.

On Marriage

I feel like everyone's getting married. Weird, right? I sometimes forget that this isn't high school anymore and I'm a young adult and so are a lot of my friends. But that still isn't enough to justify for me the fact that everyone seems to be talking about marriage. For a while I was a little upset because I felt that I was a little behind everyone else in this aspect. I've always been the girl who dreamed about my wedding and had ideas of how I imagined it to be. So to see this becoming people's realities when it still seems so distant in my life was kind of a weird thing to cope with.

But then I took some time to think about it. Really think. And I realized, why on earth would I want to get married in the next couple years?! No judgement of those who do, that's not the point of this post. The point is - I have SO much I want to do still in my life that I see myself doing, well, by myself to be quite honest. I want to go places, I want to do things, and in all those dreams of mine, I don't see myself being married and doing them! That would only complicate much of what I want to do. I want to travel, I want to live in another country for a while...I want to experience it fully and not feel tied down to something or someone other than my family.

"Tied down," how cliche, I know. And believe me, I never thought I'd hear myself describe it like that. That's not how I view it in the big picture; I still have my ideal wedding plan and I still believe that I'm going to find a wonderful man to be my other half. But I want time to develop my half first. I don't want to settle down with the first man I find in sunny Southern California that seems to be my prince charming, and then abandon my dreams as a 20-something year old! I have so much more world to see. I have too much hope and aspiration in me to be contained in this bubble from this moment onward. There's too much else to experience.

Yeah yeah, it can be argued that if its the person I'm going to marry, I'll want to share these dreams and experiences with them. But these are things I want to do myself. So that I can grow, so that I can learn, so that I can satiate my curiosity by my own means and not be limited by the expectations of others.  So much of my life has been spent doing what I thought was expected of me to do - I don't want to live that way anymore. I've been working on that a lot, in the present. But it took me until tonight to realize that that applies to how I view the future as well. You expect me to get married at the first opportunity? Too bad, I want to travel overseas.

I have too much going on in my mind to settle down anytime soon. I have too many ideas, too many dreams. Sure, one wonderful guy could change a lot for me; but there's some things I am determined to do in my lifetime that I don't think I could let anyone get in the way of.

Guys, I'm bewildering myself as I write this. Sometimes I just surprise the hell out of myself, with these epiphanies. It's 2:00 in the morning - I was talking about teddy bears and about to go to bed and I was struck with this compulsion to write about this. I like this. I like that I can think this way. Thank God. It took me long enough to get here.

Happy Holidays from Room 3!

The Sunshines in my Life :) (click)

El fin.

The semester is over, hallelujah! Well technically, I finished my last final at 11:47 yesterday morning. But today was my favorite day of my last week - my "kindergarten final." We baked bread in the shape of teddy bears and the kids got to sing christmas songs and have a little party while they ate their bread. It was so precious - they were so excited and so proud of themselves for making their own bear bread. Everyone, even the kids that struggle, worked really hard on designing their bears and they all came out fantastically. It was a really neat experience to be a part of; it really enforced how much kids can get out of using different mediums in the classroom. They adored getting to sing songs with each other and making bread was something many of them had never experienced before. The classroom mom brought a present for Mrs. Brasler and one for me too - it was so sweet and thoughtful. I drove home feeling so blessed to have the opportunity to spend as much time in this class as I do.

Mrs. Brasler always thanks me profusely for helping in the classroom - but every day I feel that I am the one who owes her thanks.  How lucky am I to get the ultimate learning experience for my future profession? Not a day goes by that I don't value the 4 hours a week I spend in that room with her vast knowledge of education and those 27 young minds that are so eager to learn. I'm overcome with the feeling that I'm learning so much now that I don't even know is important yet. But I can't help but think years down the road - this will be cited as my single most valuable learning experience for my future career.  I can't wait until I bump up to 8 hours a week next semester.

In other news, I'm so excited to go home. Sleeping in my bed, having time to work out, not worrying about homework, seeing the people who mean the most to me, celebrating the holidays with my family, having more hours in the day with which I can do whatever I please. Beautiful. :) I absolutely cannot wait.

At the Risk of Redundancy...

How many times can I gush about how beautiful life is? It is weeks like these where I can truly realize how far I have come and how much I have grown. I'm now a week out from finals week - and I can honestly say I have never felt so calm, so optimistic, about completing a semester. I feel prepared and accepting of whatever is going to come. I'm not stressed, I'm not worrying, I'm just ready.

I'm going to count all the wonderful things that have happened this week:
-I turned in my last paper of the semester! Woo!
-I ran 3.65 miles STRAIGHT with my best friend, a new personal record.
-I went to kindergarten. 'Nuff said.
-My bestie is coming home in 14 days and I'm picking him up from the airport...favorite LAX trip ever.
-I received an email from a former college English professor asking me if I would please be a part of his upper division English class, because he remembered me being a stand-out in his entry-level English class. Unfortunately, I had to decline because I'm cramped on credits, but it was still quite a compliment.
-Photo shoot adventure with best friend! Super old fire engine parked up on the hill above campus. It was fun to be silly, but also to actually try and get some good pictures for once. I'm happy with how they came out...I'm happy with myself as I am, for once.
-I've gotten really good reviews from all the lifeguards I manage. :)
-I'm seeing huge improvements in my swimmers.
-I spent yesterday afternoon listening to Christmas music and putting lights up around our dorm! I'm determined for it to feel like Christmas this year.
-I've laughed every day.

With things like that happening, what's not to love? Really. The way I've felt recently...it's just indescribable. And I hope it never goes away. I like where I'm at. I am so blessed.

I am missing blogging. Often times things happen and my brain gets going and I think, "Man, I really want to sit down and write about this!" But by the time I even get an opportunity, the thought is long gone and not as persistent in my mind. That's the true sign that it really is the end of the semester - I may feel calm, but life itself is not calm at all! Oh well. I'll be home in 13 days with nothing required of me, I'll have lots of time. :)