Happy New Year!

"Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one."

I saw that on another social networking site; it's not the typical New Year sentiment expression. Maybe that's where the appeal comes from, but I also just think it's an awesome way to look at the opportunities a New Year brings. Think about it: within a book, say a 365-page book, how often is it just a sequence of really awesome things all strung together with an awesome ending and everything is just happy-happy-happy? Never. Because a book needs plot and plot needs conflict and conflict generally requires some sort of negativity. But even when something bad happens - a hero gets thrown off course, love is unrequited, a loss is experienced - it's just a page or two of the whole story. Things don't always work out by the end of the book, but they don't end without hope or promise or knowledge that it really isn't the end. Life is definitely never a "happily ever after," but it's never really a "everything is gone and over" either.

So life is like a book; or at least that's how I think I want to live and think in the next year. Sure, it could be a page turner or it could be an easy read or it could be a challenging required read that I have to push myself to get through. It could be full of characters and adventures or it could be a tale of a personal journey of betterment. Those are things that I don't know, but there are things that I do know also. I don't want it to be a trashy summer read of a book, I want it to be a beautifully crafted novel worthy of the classics and the most praised of literature. I don't want it to be shallow and emotionally neutral, I want it to be rich and moving and full of real life. Those are things over which I have control.

Life is for living, in the good times and the bad times, in the hard times and the smooth times. I'm not really a resolution-ist, because I don't think you need a new year to make changes in your life. But, I will make one this year because I think it is appropriately unspecific for something like the start of a new year. My new years resolution is to fight stagnation in everything I do. In every way, I want to grow and change and learn and progress. Or even regress, because although it isn't positive, that is still something I am capable of learning from.

So happy new year to everyone, may your new book be riveting and full of growth and understanding. I'll be reading and writing my way through the New Year, but never in place of actually living.

Big News! Number 2

I'm starting another blog, not in place of this one...but in addition to this one. :)

If you're interested, you can find it here.

This is why I don't get mad at people.

I am moved. I am praying. I just had the most heart-wrenching conversation with someone I haven't talked to in a month because I was angry with him. I had every right to be...on the surface. But I failed to look deeper, and I'm a little ashamed of myself. My heart broke for him tonight; I hate that life is so hard for some people and so easy for others. I hate that I've known almost no real problems in my life and that I, more often than not, take that for granted.

Everyone has a reason for being the way they are; every person is a summation of their life experiences. And I think too many people aren't sensitive to that. Too many people mistake that sensitivity for "making up excuses" for that person's behavior. True, sometimes that is the case. I used to always give people the benefit of the doubt; I would be the person others would accuse of "making excuses" for someone else's behavior. And somewhere along the line, I started to believe that maybe I was just making excuses, and a little part of my heart hardened and closed off that sensitivity.

I don't like that that happened. And tonight, that hardened section of my heart bursted back to life. It hurt, something like a momentary heartbreak, but I think it was really just the shock of everything being pulled back together. Brought back to reality and back to being whole. I'm not that bitter person - I am sensitive to people's life experience because that is truly who I am. I should never have let the opinions of other people change that about me.

Yes, some behavior is inexcusable, I think that goes without saying. But I think that is a very small portion of all the possible things that could happen in this world. What happened between him and me...it's not inexcusable. In fact, it is highly likely that it was entirely related to the way he was raised and what he grew up with; and had I not closed off a bit of my heart, I would have known that all along.

So now all I can do is wait and hope it's not too late to end things on a good note. And the pray for him, pray as hard as I can. And remember that it was this moment that made me open up my heart completely again and be grateful that I was able to do that. So grateful.

"Remember to be gentle with yourself and others. We are all children of chance and none can say why some fields will blossom while others lay brown beneath the August sun. Care for those around you. Look past your differences. Their dreams are no less than yours, their choices no more easily made. And give, give in any way you can, of whatever you possess. To give is to love. To withhold is to wither. Care less for your harvest than for how it is shared and your life will have meaning and your heart will have peace." - Kent Nerburn

A Hot Mess of a Girl

That's how I described myself today. I didn't mean it negatively, not even a little bit. But I'm like, a messy office space. Stuff is everywhere. There's stuff that needs to be thrown away and there's stuff that needs to be filed and kept for the rest of my life. There's stuff I use frequently so I know where it is in the various piles and stacks of things, but there's also stuff I haven't used or thought of in years that I can't find. There's big things and little things. There's an assortment of ideas, memories, plans, thoughts, viewpoints, and opinions that need to be sorted, filed, and stored.

I can do all of this, but it takes a lot of time, you know? I've got at least 15 years worth of stuff going on all over the place. So I do a little bit and I take a break. But I really think its time to be more persistent.

Why was I describing myself like this? Because for the first time, I've been the one who has to say no to a guy who has a fairly decent sized crush on me. There are a lot of factors as to why it couldn't happen, most of which I don't feel the need to go into, but the part that really bothers me is that he truly is a nice guy. I told him, if the world had more guys who treated girls the way he does, it'd be far better off. I said I wished there were more people like that. And after I pretty much flat out rejected him, you know what he said, "I wish there were too. Especially for you."

Wow. Talk about a little burst of maturity on his end. But that's when I said it...I said for now, I'm a "hot mess of a girl," and I need to get my shit together before I can even really give anyone a chance. And I know that's going to take me some time. A lot of time. But I'll know when times up, I'll feel it.

Hot mess doesn't mean I'm not happy. I'm still happy; I'm just working on what I need to do to stay there and to fully be who I know I'm capable of being. I don't want to give myself to someone else if I'm incomplete. That's like starting a work of art, but not finishing and giving it to someone as a gift anyway. Giving less than my best? Never (well except for on the occasional term paper...besides the point).

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer." 

- Ranier Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

La pura vida

Costa Rica.

Let's be real: I think about it a good 75% of the time. What I can do to make sure it happens. How much it's going to cost me. Where I can pinch some pennies to save extra money. What I would get from the experience. What I would bring. What I might possibly do while I was there. I'm pretty sure I even dreamed about it last night. I know, right?

I read this thing today, an opinion blog really, but the most recent post on "How to Be Happy" was to do things that scare you. So let's break it down for a minute. I am absolutely terrified to the point of nervous excitement to know that I could possibly be spending a month in Costa Rica. Let's count the reasons why: 1) I will know absolutely no one, 2) I will be far away from my family and my closest friends, 3) I'd be completely submerged in a culture vastly different than the only one I've known my entire life, 4) I will not have my phone as a comforting technology to rely on, and 5) I really have no idea what to expect. Clearly, this is so far out of my comfort zone that it's not even visible in Heredia, Costa Rica.  I might as well be saying, "Comfort zone? What? Where? I can't find it." Because doing this would completely break the mold for me. Isn't that scary?? Aren't those 5 reasons typically enough to make me bolt in the opposite direction of an opportunity like this? This is where you would usually cue me to say, "Well yeah, this sounds like a fantastic opportunity, but I don't think it's going to work for me," and then I'd continue with some bullshit excuse as to why I wasn't going to face my fears and try something new, but what I would really mean is, "I'm too scared and that's really outside of my bubble and since I'm not comfortable leaving my bubble I'm just going to stay here."

But guess what? It's time to get uncomfortable. Yes, uncomfortable is really freaking scary. If everything continues to work out, I can only imagine how nervous I'm going to feel 5 months from this day (3 days before I would be boarding the plane to San Jose). But I'm ready. Despite any nerves or fears or doubts, I know I've never been more ready for anything in my life.  The comfortable is no longer satisfying; it's not enough. To grow, to learn, to become more of the person I want to be, I need to go on adventures. Adventures that shatter my comfort zone; not just where I stick my toes out like I'm testing the temperature of the water. No. I need to trust and hope and have absolute faith that I'm doing something that is going to have huge impacts on my life. I need to just run, jump, and take the plunge.

I don't think I've ever felt so sure that I need to do something as I do about making this adventure. I'd blog of course; I'd probably start a separate blog that my friends and family could read...and that I could read for years and years to remind me of the scariest and best decision I'd ever made. If it doesn't work out? Yeah, I've thought about it. Sure, I'll be really disappointed. But it's not the end of the world - I'll have other opportunities and I'll just have to trust that this time it wasn't meant to be. But I'm a little too mentally committed to this already for it to fall through. I was doing okay with staying on the fence until I came home for winter break - and got the support of my family and my employers. It feels real. It  is shaking me from the daily grind, breaking from tradition.

Just the thought alone is absolutely thrilling. I can't explain how it feels other than that. It's not even a reality yet - but it feels like it; like no excitement I've ever experienced.

On Marriage

I feel like everyone's getting married. Weird, right? I sometimes forget that this isn't high school anymore and I'm a young adult and so are a lot of my friends. But that still isn't enough to justify for me the fact that everyone seems to be talking about marriage. For a while I was a little upset because I felt that I was a little behind everyone else in this aspect. I've always been the girl who dreamed about my wedding and had ideas of how I imagined it to be. So to see this becoming people's realities when it still seems so distant in my life was kind of a weird thing to cope with.

But then I took some time to think about it. Really think. And I realized, why on earth would I want to get married in the next couple years?! No judgement of those who do, that's not the point of this post. The point is - I have SO much I want to do still in my life that I see myself doing, well, by myself to be quite honest. I want to go places, I want to do things, and in all those dreams of mine, I don't see myself being married and doing them! That would only complicate much of what I want to do. I want to travel, I want to live in another country for a while...I want to experience it fully and not feel tied down to something or someone other than my family.

"Tied down," how cliche, I know. And believe me, I never thought I'd hear myself describe it like that. That's not how I view it in the big picture; I still have my ideal wedding plan and I still believe that I'm going to find a wonderful man to be my other half. But I want time to develop my half first. I don't want to settle down with the first man I find in sunny Southern California that seems to be my prince charming, and then abandon my dreams as a 20-something year old! I have so much more world to see. I have too much hope and aspiration in me to be contained in this bubble from this moment onward. There's too much else to experience.

Yeah yeah, it can be argued that if its the person I'm going to marry, I'll want to share these dreams and experiences with them. But these are things I want to do myself. So that I can grow, so that I can learn, so that I can satiate my curiosity by my own means and not be limited by the expectations of others.  So much of my life has been spent doing what I thought was expected of me to do - I don't want to live that way anymore. I've been working on that a lot, in the present. But it took me until tonight to realize that that applies to how I view the future as well. You expect me to get married at the first opportunity? Too bad, I want to travel overseas.

I have too much going on in my mind to settle down anytime soon. I have too many ideas, too many dreams. Sure, one wonderful guy could change a lot for me; but there's some things I am determined to do in my lifetime that I don't think I could let anyone get in the way of.

Guys, I'm bewildering myself as I write this. Sometimes I just surprise the hell out of myself, with these epiphanies. It's 2:00 in the morning - I was talking about teddy bears and about to go to bed and I was struck with this compulsion to write about this. I like this. I like that I can think this way. Thank God. It took me long enough to get here.

Happy Holidays from Room 3!

The Sunshines in my Life :) (click)

El fin.

The semester is over, hallelujah! Well technically, I finished my last final at 11:47 yesterday morning. But today was my favorite day of my last week - my "kindergarten final." We baked bread in the shape of teddy bears and the kids got to sing christmas songs and have a little party while they ate their bread. It was so precious - they were so excited and so proud of themselves for making their own bear bread. Everyone, even the kids that struggle, worked really hard on designing their bears and they all came out fantastically. It was a really neat experience to be a part of; it really enforced how much kids can get out of using different mediums in the classroom. They adored getting to sing songs with each other and making bread was something many of them had never experienced before. The classroom mom brought a present for Mrs. Brasler and one for me too - it was so sweet and thoughtful. I drove home feeling so blessed to have the opportunity to spend as much time in this class as I do.

Mrs. Brasler always thanks me profusely for helping in the classroom - but every day I feel that I am the one who owes her thanks.  How lucky am I to get the ultimate learning experience for my future profession? Not a day goes by that I don't value the 4 hours a week I spend in that room with her vast knowledge of education and those 27 young minds that are so eager to learn. I'm overcome with the feeling that I'm learning so much now that I don't even know is important yet. But I can't help but think years down the road - this will be cited as my single most valuable learning experience for my future career.  I can't wait until I bump up to 8 hours a week next semester.

In other news, I'm so excited to go home. Sleeping in my bed, having time to work out, not worrying about homework, seeing the people who mean the most to me, celebrating the holidays with my family, having more hours in the day with which I can do whatever I please. Beautiful. :) I absolutely cannot wait.

At the Risk of Redundancy...

How many times can I gush about how beautiful life is? It is weeks like these where I can truly realize how far I have come and how much I have grown. I'm now a week out from finals week - and I can honestly say I have never felt so calm, so optimistic, about completing a semester. I feel prepared and accepting of whatever is going to come. I'm not stressed, I'm not worrying, I'm just ready.

I'm going to count all the wonderful things that have happened this week:
-I turned in my last paper of the semester! Woo!
-I ran 3.65 miles STRAIGHT with my best friend, a new personal record.
-I went to kindergarten. 'Nuff said.
-My bestie is coming home in 14 days and I'm picking him up from the airport...favorite LAX trip ever.
-I received an email from a former college English professor asking me if I would please be a part of his upper division English class, because he remembered me being a stand-out in his entry-level English class. Unfortunately, I had to decline because I'm cramped on credits, but it was still quite a compliment.
-Photo shoot adventure with best friend! Super old fire engine parked up on the hill above campus. It was fun to be silly, but also to actually try and get some good pictures for once. I'm happy with how they came out...I'm happy with myself as I am, for once.
-I've gotten really good reviews from all the lifeguards I manage. :)
-I'm seeing huge improvements in my swimmers.
-I spent yesterday afternoon listening to Christmas music and putting lights up around our dorm! I'm determined for it to feel like Christmas this year.
-I've laughed every day.

With things like that happening, what's not to love? Really. The way I've felt recently...it's just indescribable. And I hope it never goes away. I like where I'm at. I am so blessed.

I am missing blogging. Often times things happen and my brain gets going and I think, "Man, I really want to sit down and write about this!" But by the time I even get an opportunity, the thought is long gone and not as persistent in my mind. That's the true sign that it really is the end of the semester - I may feel calm, but life itself is not calm at all! Oh well. I'll be home in 13 days with nothing required of me, I'll have lots of time. :)

Grateful. Appreciative. Thankful.

This weekend I got to enjoy the company of my family and my friends. I got to realize my health and my strengths. I didn't fight with my mom, I spent time with my dad, I accomplished what I was going to accomplish, I ran and swam, I spent time with friends I hadn't seen in far too long, I went to my beach, I practiced letting go and moving forward, I kept my promise to myself to get back to being me.

It's been four beautiful days. I like how this feels. Free. Light. Happy. Warm. I like it here. I think I'll stay.

Swimming in a Lake of Thoughts

It's been a thoughtful weekend for me...between late nights and a lot of time spent curled up in bed to avoid the rain, I had a lot of time to ponder things that had been pushed around in my mind for quite some time. I did two things...or rather said two things...that were kind of a big deal for me.

Number one, I said what I needed to say to the unmentionable person from a post or two ago. I wanted to forgive him, I wanted to. But when I gave him the opportunity to redeem himself, or make it better...he dropped the ball again. And I realized, maybe this is one of those times that I need to not cave into what I want in the moment, and remember what I want in the long run. And what I want in the long run...sure as hell isn't him. I don't want to feel so replaceable; like a time filler. Sure, in the moment I can choose to remain blissfully unaware of that, but that never lasts.

Number two, I sent a message to someone that I really needed to say something to. I haven't heard back, but I wasn't really even sure if I should expect to - she's most likely having the time of her life right now with my best friend. I understand the priority of that, I just needed to say what I had to say so that she knew that I wasn't bitter. Have I been bitter? Yes, very much so. Overwhelmingly so at some times. Have I been angry with her actions? Definitely. But the simple fact is, she makes my best friend happier than anyone else can - and I want that for him. He deserves to feel as much love as he can from this world, and I know that she is responsible for a good portion of that love. Her and I will never be best friends, but I'd be stupid to hold this grudge for the rest of my life. And the second part of it is - I'm not him and I'm not her...I'm not supposed to understand why things happened the way they did because it's not my life. I have my own life to live, and if I can seem to let go of their past, everything is going beautifully for them right now. And for him, that's all I could possibly ask for. A sense of beauty, and love, and hope...and happiness.

I cried the night I wrote out both of these two very important things. It wasn't really a sad cry though. I don't know how to explain it...it was more of a cry of realization: that I was letting go and learning what I needed to do, and doing what I thought in my heart was best to do. At first I felt a little outside of my self, but then I realized it really was me, I wasn't making these decisions to please someone else. I was taking matters into my own hands and doing what I probably should have done sooner.

I'm cleaning up my life. I'm letting who I've always known I am come through. My optimism, my love, my hope...those things have never been gone, but I've been letting them get mixed up with a lot of other things like bitterness, jealousy, frustration, and resentment. That's what's been getting to me lately - all those things that aren't me have been driving me crazy. And for whatever reason, this weekend became the start of me getting back to me. And let me tell you, I don't think I've ever been so ready for something.

Every day may not be good, but there is something good in every day.

I'm ready for this semester to be over. Don't get me wrong - not very much has changed in my perspective. Life is still going swimmingly (with the one exception that I'm not going to taint this post with)...I'm just so exhausted. To the point where I start doing less school work because there are some days where I literally can't bring myself to do it. I had two tests to study for today. Did I? No, I sat in front of my computer watching a mindless TV show on Netflix for hours. Given, I've felt as if I was on the borderline of an anxiety attack all day so I probably needed an afternoon of nothingness. But still...not entirely acceptable.

Today is what I would call "not a good day." Actually, the last couple have been that way, but increasingly less bad as compared to the original "not a good day," as per usual. But then, on this other social networking sight that I frequent, I saw the quote that I've posted as the title of this blog. Perfect for what I feel today...and kind of how my personality is in general.

So what good things happened today?
-I got out of morning class half an hour early.
-Kindergarten (despite the chaos that was today)
-Marcel the Shell 2! (if you haven't seen it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ta9K22D0o5Q&feature=player_embedded)
-Chats with bestie to make me a little more rational, and to point out some of the obvious.
-Eke made me a grilled cheese. I just love that girl.
-A seven slide powerpoint instead of a 60 slide powerpoint for art.

It's the little things, right? I've always been easily entertained, amused, inspired....etc. Life's simplicities tend to go a long way with me. Sometimes they just get lost among all the mumbo-jumbo of the day (yes, I did just use the phrase "mumbo-jumbo" in a serious sentence...add that to the list of good things that happened today).

But in the meantime...is it December 17th yet?

Unwelcome feelings

Today was a hard day. But it was also probably something I should have expected to happen at some point. It happens when you put your feelings out there a little and you get involved with someone you probably know wasn't that great for you anyway. I know I deserve better; that's part of why I've been so non-committal this whole time. I'm not upset because of feelings I had toward this person, I was upset because my feelings in general were hurt. And because of the catching up of everything I knew was coming eventually. I should also stop saying "was," because truthfully, I am still upset.

Everything in my life is going beautifully except for this one aspect. I don't know what I need to do differently. But maybe, if I get rid of this connection I have with this person (or whatever you want to call it; it's far from a relationship), that will open up a new window for me, or at least shine some light on a new perspective for me. I made a wish last night, you know, at 11:11 on 11/11/11. I'm hoping to aid that wish on a little bit if I change some of the "old" and the "comfortable" in my life. I think I can do it.

I'm just a little bit worried that I'm desensitizing myself to some things in this realm of "love" or whatever you choose to call it. I know that I deserve to be treated as a priority, not as a second-best option. But...by keeping myself unattached, I validate someone else treating me as second-best. I say, "Whatever, I'm not going to be in a relationship with this person anyway." So why am I wasting my time? To hell if I know. I need to work on that.

I'm feeling a re-reading of Eat, Pray, Love coming on. That book makes my soul feel good. Opportunities, possibilities, and the important things in life. Yes please.

The Background Story

So. In a class yesterday, we mixed things up a little bit and did a class activity. The professor had us write three things down on a piece of paper: (1) where we were from, (2) our family members, (3) a struggle we had to over come in our childhood. After we finished he stood up and said, "Okay. I'm going to go first, and then whoever wants to can take the floor after." He told us about where he grew up and about his family that included his mother and father and his two brothers, one older and one younger. He shared with us the untimely death of his mother and the later death of his father. His father's passing was followed by his youngest brother deciding he wanted nothing to do with his family - they haven't been in contact for over 15 years.

He finished and everyone sat in silence. I can't tell you what everyone was thinking, but if it was similar to my thought process it was something along the lines of, "Are we really supposed to share what we wrote with the whole class? This is kind of personal...do I want everyone to know this about me?" But after a long pause, someone bravely stepped up and told their story. After each person finished telling, there would be a moment of silence, almost out of respect for that person's struggles, before the next person would pick up and start to tell us their story.

It reinforced to me how little you really know about the people you encounter on a day-to-day basis. I am in class with these people for a minimum of four hours a week - and I never would of guessed that some of them had been through or were going through some of these tragic things. People told stories of their parents divorce, the teasing they experienced as a child, mental or physical disadvantages that they were forced to cope with growing up, alcoholism, cancer, abuse...all of these stories in a class of just 20 people.  I've always been a big believer in not judging someone you don't know, or not judging their actions because you don't know what their life is like or what it has been like. This really reinforced that for me. I haven't been judging the people in this class, but I'd never really gotten to know them either. You don't know these sort of things just by looking at people.

People connected within an hour over their similar stories. Not by verbally saying, "That happened to me," but by silently supporting and being able to stand up and share their story too. What was my story about? Alcoholism. But I only told it after another student was able to share how her mother's alcoholism effected her life. My experience wasn't with my mother, but it still greatly affected me, and she gave me the courage to say what I had to say because she took the brave step and told her story first.

Needless to say, it was a pretty interesting class period. Heavy, but interesting. Kind of changes the way you look at someone, but not in a bad way. At least not for me.

Christopher McCandless | "Into the Wild" by Jon Krakauer

"I'd like to repeat the advice that I gave you before, in that I think you really should make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt.

So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give on peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future.

The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun."

Potpourri

#1 - En Espanol
In my Spanish 201 class, we have three assignments at the end of every chapter - an oral presentation about a selected topic, a chapter exam, and a written composition about a selected topic. The oral presentation is always really challenging for me - I've gotten over my fear of public speaking enough to successfully present something in English, but Spanish is a whole other story. It's hard to get up there and not directly read from my paper when I get nervous; I know what to say and I know what I need to say and how to say it, but something takes over when I stand up there and it's like I've never read a word of Spanish before in my life. The exam is always easy, that's something thats always come easy to me. The Spanish composition is like a relationship...I start off with a lot of anxiety about it and I'm unsure of how it's going to play out. But then I fall in love with it - I fall in love with the topic, I fall in love with the language, and I fall in love with the potential it has. I often write well more than I need to (which is unusual for me), but I don't mind it. Even a little. Is it time for Costa Rica yet?

#2 - Adults are crazy!
So often I hear adults talk about the pitfalls of our generation (although many talk about the potential as well) - but uhm, hello? It was your generation who raised us. We didn't get this way by some unfortunate serious of events. I also don't like the tendency of us all to be generalized into one group; we all clearly do not have the same potential. So I'm not going to generalize all adults (although my title speaks differently), but I am going to say that some adults really do not set great examples for younger generations to look up to and aspire to be like. Specifically, because I know everyone is so curious, I'm currently talking about THINKING before you SPEAK. I don't know about other families and other time periods in history...but I have grown up knowing that it is not socially acceptable nor is it polite to just spit out the first thing that comes in to your mind in many situations. Also, just because you do not like what someone has to say, that does not give you the right nor should you feel inclined to verbally harass them in retaliation. People have opinions. You can disagree with them, you can whole-heartedly believe that they are wrong in every sense of the word...but by no means does that mean you go an attack them. Even my kindergarteners know that and they are only 5 years old! But just yesterday I witnessed a few adults who never seemed to have grasped that concept...or maybe they lost it in the process of "growing up." Hmm...

#3 - I started a new book.

   I've only made it through the introduction, but I'm intrigued. My "big brother" got this book for me for my birthday last year and its been sitting on my shelf unopened until last night. I looked at it and I thought, "I think I'm in a good position to read this now." It's slow reading because it requires a lot of thought; the author doesn't just use words to fill up a page - he uses them to provoke questions and ideas. Some of the language I'm unfamiliar with, so it may cause me to misinterpret occasionally, but I figure it's not enough to seriously misshape what I'm going to get out of the book.
  The book finds its foundations in the tale of Tristan and Iseult, one of the first stories of Romantic Love, and how the Western World has taken that style of Love and run with it, so to say. At the end of the introduction, Johnson states, "to honestly look at Romantic Love is a heroic journey." This is understood to mean that if you are truly analyzing this form of love, you can't just study the beautiful and idealistic view; you also have to dig into the unconscious and find the contradictions in Romantic Love that have yet to be worked out. One of the main points made in the introduction was that Romantic Love was to effect the conscious psyche of a people, or a society, but in order to be effective on the individual level, it had to be truly understood, and learned, and integrated. I'm not quite sure where its going yet, but it kind of seems like one of the points that may be made as to why Romantic Love is so skewed in the Western World is because people drive to find this Romantic Love without really understanding it. The idea of this beautiful love was accepted by society without questioning, and therefore lacking a thorough understanding.
   I'm starting Part 1 tonight - How Tristan Was Born and Grew Up to Be a Great Knight. I'm sure I'll be posting again on this.

el Internet

I have such a love/hate relationship with the Internet. I'm continually disgusted with what I see on it and how much of a time-suck it is, and then I go through this period where I disable the FB and keep my computer shut for days at a time. And it's great! I'm so much more productive with my time, I get more done, I find better things to do. But one way or another...I always end up back on, for many more hours than I need to be at that. I should specifically point out that the love hate relationship is mostly just with social networking. I even disgust myself with how much time I spend sitting on some of these sites.

I've blogged about this before, all the useless stuff I see people I know and people I don't know broadcasting to the world wide web. I'm guilty of it too, although I have definitely toned it down greatly. But when the biggest problem in your life is that Facebook changed its set-up again and you can't figure it out and you liked the old way better...I think that's when its time to get off the computer and go get a life. If that's what you're able to have a ten minute discussion about...well...I rest my case.

I feel like I'm on the verge of another social-networking vacation. Will it be permanent? Probably not; I'm not going to kid myself. But I've got better things to do. Like go buy a pumpkin and be a coach dressed up like a bumble bee for two hours for twenty 9-10 year olds hopped up on sugar. Better than reading about Jane's drunken mishaps from the night before and Bob's annoying English teacher? Absolutely.

Separate Spheres

I feel very independent right now. Not alone, just not dependent on other people. I don't feel that my happiness is resting in anyone else's hands...and that's kind of a big deal. Given, it hasn't been without some heartbreak and disappointment that I've made it to this point, but I wouldn't be here now if I hadn't gone through all that then.

It's taught me that I should never depend that heavily on someone else to control my mood or how I look at life each day. This is all pretty new and recent for me, and it's taken some time for me to get used to it. For a while I felt like something was missing. I reached out for the things and people that used to be in control of my happiness, trying to cling to ideas that were really already gone. I didn't know what to do because it took me some time to understand what was happening.

Then it hit me. I could just be happy because I wanted to be happy. Not because something was in my possession, or because someone else was happy or had said or done something that warranted me being happy. Doing my own thing and doing what I wanted to do was suddenly enough; I was free from the burden of worrying how my actions may effect an outcome that was never guaranteed anyway. I don't know when I started living in that small little bubble of people-pleasing, but it feels nice to break away from that a little.

Don't get me wrong, I still love making people happy. I love putting smiles on peoples' faces and being able to shine a little sunlight on their day if I can. But I now know that it is okay for my happiness to be separate from theirs.

"I'm on my own two feet. Learning to stand, to walk, learning to dance."

-John Edgar Wideman

Trials and Tribulations of a 5-year-old

Never has a day come up where I said to myself, "I don't really feel like going to volunteer at kindergarten today." Never. They are consistently the highlight of my week (and no, not just because they always like to hug me and tell me how pretty I am and how much they like my hair, clothes, etc...although I won't deny that is a perk). Whether my day has been going wonderfully or horribly, it doesn't matter once I get there; any worries or concerns just disappear the minute I walk in the door of room 3 and see those 28 smiling faces.

I'm going four hours a week this semester because that was all I could fit into my schedule, but if everything goes according to plan, I'll be there eight hours a week next semester. I just don't even have the words to explain how rewarding it is to be there and experience the year with them, to watch them grow, to watch them learn how to do something new, to see how enthusiastic they are to learn, and how eager they are for attention. It's so refreshing and heart-warming. It just lifts my spirits and clears my mind like nothing else.

It's making me so excited to finish school and start my career. I planned out the next year and a half of my academic life today and now I'm even more excited. However, I know not to wish away the days waiting for something to happen, so don't think I'm going all futuristic mindset-ed on you here. I'm still adoring my life in the here and now, no worries. I think I'm just ready for a little spice. :)

"Love is telling people what they need to hear, not what they want to hear."

The Potential for Something New and Exciting

One month. Language intensive program. Costa Rica.

Do you know how much of my yearnings to learn that would satisfy at one time? More than I can even keep track of. It's an opportunity of a lifetime. And I am so determined to make it a reality.

With this program I would travel there for a month, live with a host family, and attend approximately 4 hours of class, Monday through Friday. All Spanish. It would take care of the rest of my language requirements for my Spanish minor. I keep trying to wrap my mind around how wild it would be to use only Spanish for a month, no need for English. It's a strange concept that I actually think about quite often; I sometimes find myself writing out the Spanish word for certain things when I'm supposed to be writing in English, or occasionally I'll stumble over some words when I'm talking, not because I can't say it, but because I start to say it in the wrong language. All of that, just from taking some classes here in the United States. But how powerful would it be to speak nothing but Spanish for a month, and then return here and go back to using English? It blows my mind.

I want to learn to speak Spanish fluently, I want to be able to use that in applying for a job and in my career. I want to be able to teach my children than English is not the only, nor the first, language in the world. And also, I desperately want to travel. This used to be a want that has turned into a need, a need that is becoming increasingly hard to ignore. I want to experience things outside of my daily life. I want to step out of my comfort zone and try something foreign and exciting. I need to, I need to get unstuck, I need to get inspired.

It's not going to be easy to make this happen. It's going to take a lot of extra work over the next few months for me to make sure this is going to work out, but I can do it. I can make it happen because I know this is something I may never have the opportunity for again. Determination.

Happy Birthday, Roo!

When I was 11 years old my family moved into my deceased grandmother's house and I started a new life in a new place where I knew no one. My parents knew some other parents in the neighborhood, and one family in particular had a girl my age. Our parents forced us to hang out against our will. We reluctantly played with an egg-shaped ball and said awkward things to each other. And from that moment on, I've been blessed to call her my best friend. Over nine years later, and not without it's peaks and valleys, we've both matured into young adults.

We made it through middle school, high school, and so far three years of being college roommates after everyone told us we were going to ruin our friendship by rooming together. We told them they were wrong. We stood up against what they said and did our own thing; have we really ever been any different? Are either of us the type to let someone tell us "no" or "you can't"? I don't think so. Different as we are, it's basic things like that that keep us together. And when one of us forgets to be confident? Forgets to have faith? Forgets to love? That's where the other one comes in - to remind, to strengthen, and to support. That's why what we have is timeless, priceless. We've learned together, we've struggled together, and we've grown together for nine years. NINE. Nothing can ever take that away.

Happy 20th Birthday, Cluh. I love you and I know that we'll still be close to celebrate 30 and 40 and 50 and 60 and 70 and 80 and 90 and 100 for sure, eating all the junk we want and laughing as loud as we want and being as silly as we want, not giving a single care about how crazy we look to anyone else. I value your friendship more than you know and I can't wait to keep experiencing life together!

xoxo...garden gnome. ;)

Stopping to Breathe

This week has been a test. A test of my patience, a test of my dedication, and most of all a test of this soul-searching I've been doing over the past few months. It's challenging, to build these great foundations when you're at a great spot in your life and to keep them even when things aren't feeling quite as great. That's what makes them stronger, what builds you up.  These last seven days have had a lot of character building in them - early mornings, late nights, mental battles and actual loss. But I'm still here, I'm still alive. And although I'm weary and exhausted, I feel accomplished because I didn't fall apart. I proved something to myself, and I consider that to be a huge step in this journey that I'm on. It took a little reminder at a particularly low point in the week - my insecurities reflected in a small portion of my life during a conversation with the bestie - but at that point I remembered I was loved and I had so much love to give. The little things piled up and sucked this week...but I had to remember to keep it in perspective. So I took an evening to calm myself down, refocus, and prepare to push through the rest of the week. I'm proud of myself.

That said, even though I have mountains of things I need to get done before next Monday, I'm taking this evening off...as a reward to myself and to give my brain some time to slow down. At least for a little while. :)

Impatient, Impatient, Impatient

But there's some things you just can't rush, no matter how much you will it to happen. I know that there are somethings that show up as soon as you stop looking. But I wouldn't even say I'm looking. I'm just so impatient! I'm tired of waiting. I need some proof.

One of My Favorite Feelings

You know when you have a friend who you're really close with, like one of your best friends that you tell absolutely everything to, and you talk every day? But then sometimes, for some reason or another, but mostly just because life gets in the way, you kind of drift apart for not really any reason at all; no single action, no dramatic ending. It just happens. And then before you know it, it's been a whole year since you've talked. Well obviously, that's not my favorite feeling.

The favorite feeling part comes when you see that person, a year after absolutely no communication, and it's like you never missed a beat. You fall back into step with each other, almost as proof that your friendship was something that really meant something, something that was intended to last. Like a confirmation that you made a good choice in picking that person to be such a close friend to begin with.

One of my best friends that I had from middle school on through high school was a boy I met through club swimming. We had our little middle school crushes on each other once; technically he was my first "boyfriend" (aka we held hands like twice). But we moved passed that and stayed really close. We told each other literally everything - the first time I got my heart broken, I called him; the first time he got in a really huge fight with his parents, he called me and we stayed on the phone until we were laughing instead of being upset; when his girlfriend in his senior year in high school told him she was pregnant, I was the first one he called as he sat in his car outside her house, devastated. We talked through every decision he made from that point on, when he decided it was not that baby's fault that he made a mistake, and he was not going to deprive her of a father because of that. I met that little baby girl when she was about 6 months old...and a spitting image of her dad.

And then, as raising a baby will do, he got busy and I got busy and we just didn't have the time to talk on the phone all the time like we used to; and we obviously weren't swimming together anymore. And we stopped talking pretty much for over a year. But here you have it, swimming brought us together again - this time as coaches. Yesterday I coached my beginner group at their first ever meet, and he coaches for the pool that was hosting the competition. I saw him from across the pool, and following a huge hug, we just picked up right where we left off. The whole time, I was just so impressed by how much he's grown-up and taken responsibility for himself and the life that he's living. It's by no means easy for him, but watching the look in his eye when his now-2-year-old runs up to him, tells me that it's all worth it. That's an image I'm not soon going to get out of my head. True joy.

I finally finished a book

Not as in I've never done that in my life...but as in I haven't been able to finish a book for the last like, 6 months. Partially because I've been so busy, but also because I go through phases - I'll spend a couple months reading everything I can get my hands on and writing lists of books I want to read, but then I'll get so overwhelmed by everything that I want to read that I just stop reading. Make sense? Anyway, with the hope that school doesn't get in the way, I think I'm on one of those "I want to read everything I can get my hands on" phases right now. I'm supposed to go out to Sky High tonight, but between not feeling that great and knowing I have to get up early tomorrow...curling up with a good book is starting to sound more and more appealing.

The book I just finished was actually for class - Clotelle by William Wells Brown. It's a narrative of the struggles of a slave family and their separation and growth and struggles from the early 1800s until the onset of the Civil War. It includes families, friends, history, separation, reunions, love, hate, desire to change...pretty much any major topic of writing is included in this novel. I read it in two days. Needless to say, I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Slavery and racism and discrimination and prejudice has always been something I've been interested in, as far as a historical context goes. It blows my mind that people are capable of those sort of actions and beliefs. It's something I never get tired of reading about or learning about, people that stand up against racists and fight for the equality of humans regardless of their skin color or external appearance...those people are heroes to me. I could write on and on about my opinions on this matter for ages.

We've been talking about matters along the lines of this in 3 out of my 5 classes.  Slavery and the history of Africans in US History, stereotyping and judging in Spanish, and discrimination and racism in Social Psychology of Sport. And it's made me realize how adamant I am to raise my children (when I have them) to not judge a person based on their external appearances, or better yet, not to judge at all. I know I can't protect them forever from people's opinions on different races or on people with disabilities, but I can teach them to see all people as the same and beautiful in their own right, and hope that they hold-fast to that ideal and resist the peer pressure to change.  I want them to not expect that they should have to differentiate their friends based on what color their skin is or what they look like. I don't want them to realize that skin colors are different, because they shouldn't have to be; whether someone's skin is black or white or tan or purple or green, they are still a human and that's the way everyone should be treated. As human.

Just what I needed today

An email forwarded to me from my dad from something he heard on Mark & Brian this morning:

"

1. Life is not easy. - Hard work makes people lucky - it's the stuff that brings dreams to reality. So start every morning ready to run farther than you did yesterday and fight harder than you ever have before.

2. You will fail sometimes. - The faster you accept this, the faster you can get on with being brilliant. You'll never be 100% sure it will work, but you can always be 100% sure doing nothing won't work. So get out there and do something! Either you Succeed or you learn a vital lesson. Win- Win.

3. Right now, there's a lot you don't know. - The day you stop learning is the day you stop living. Embrace new information, think about it and use it to advance yourself.

4. There may not be a tomorrow. - Not for everyone. Right now, someone on Earth is planning something for tomorrow without realizing they're going to die today. This is sad but true. So spend your time wisely today and pause long enough to appreciate it.

5. There's a lot you can't control. - Wasting your time, talent and emotional energy on things that are beyond your control is a recipe for frustration, misery and stagnation. Invest your energy in the things you can control.

6. Information is not true knowledge. - Knowledge comes from experience. You can discuss a task a hundred times, but these discussions will only give you a philosophical understanding. You must experience a task firsthand to truly know it.

7. You can't be successful without providing value. - Don't waste your time trying to be successful, spend your time creating value. When you're valuable to the world, you will be successful.

8. Someone else will always have more than you. - Whether it's money, friends or magic beans that you're collecting, there will always be someone who has more than you. But remember, it's not how many you have, it's how passionate you are about collecting them. It's all about the journey.

9. You can't change the past. - As Maria Robinson once said, 'Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.' You can't change what happened, but you can change how you react to it.

10. The only person who can make you happy is you. - The root of your happiness comes from your relationship with yourself. Sure external entities can have fleeting effects on your mood, but in the long run nothing matters more than how you feel about who you are on the inside.

11. There will always be people who don't like you. - You can't be everything to everyone. No matter what you do there will always be someone who thinks differently. So concentrate on doing what you know in your heart is right. What others think and say about you isn't all that important. What is important is how you feel about yourself.

12. You won't always get what you want. - As Mick Jagger once said, 'You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you might find you get what you need.' Look around. Appreciate the things you have right now. Many people aren't so lucky.

13. In life, you get what you put in. - If you want love, give love. If you want friends, be friendly. If you want money, provide value. It really is this simple.

14. Good friends will come and go. - Most of your high school friends won't be a part of your college life. Most of your college friends won't be a part of your 20-something professional life. Most of your 20-something friends won't be there when your spouse and you bring your second child into the world. But some friends will stick. And it's these friends - the ones who transcend time with you - who matter.

15. Doing the exact same thing every day hinders self growth. - If you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you're getting. Growth happens when you change things - when you try new things - when you stretch beyond your comfort zone.

16. You will never feel 100% ready for something new. - Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means you won't feel totally comfortable or ready for it.

"

amen.

Let me build my own shelter, don't do it for me.

I was thinking about this on more than one occasion today. I absolutely dislike it when people try to protect you from seeing things or hearing things or understanding things that THEY don't think you should see or hear or understand or be aware of. That's my decision to make, not theirs. My curiosity yearns to be satiated and most often, I will find out that someone tried to keep something from me, I will satisfy my curiosity, and I will have some resentment built onto that for the simple fact that it's no one's right to tell me what I can and can't be aware of in this world.

I don't like being lied to, and purposely keeping information away from me is pretty much the equivalent of that. I was sheltered for a great deal of my childhood, and I consider myself to still be a pretty sheltered person in comparison to a lot of other people in this world. But if you really knew me, you would know that this is a quality I want nothing more than to change. I hate that I grew up so unaware of what was outside of my bubble, and I work every day to turn that around.

So whether it be something minuscule or something huge, I don't want it to be kept from me in an effort to "protect me" or "shelter me" because those are all just more positive connotations of "I'm hiding the truth from you." I'm a strong girl and it's no one's place to decide if I'm strong enough to handle anything. I know a lot more than people think I know, I've made it through a lot of stuff I didn't think I was going to make it through, and I've heard a lot of things that have broken my heart; I don't ever let any of it stop me from recovering, moving forward, and getting stronger.

I don't decide what's in someone else's best interests and I expect them do the same for me.

Spare Moment

I haven't had very many of these since moving back into school. Go to school, go to internship, go to school again, work, work from my room, do my homework...and of course eat and sleep somewhere in between there. It's funny how quickly my body adjusted to going from 9-10 hours of sleep a night to 6-7 hours. But I still don't feel like this is anything I can't handle. I still feel like I'm sitting on top of the world.

I just had this moment today, walking around the tables during kindergarten Center Rotation, helping the kids and having them come to me with their questions and problems, and I realized with a new perspective that I'm TWENTY years old, almost twenty-one. I'm not a child, I'm an adult. All 27 of those little lives look to me for direction and aid and they don't differentiate between a college student and an adult; I am an adult.

My master teacher has been giving me more and more independence with the kindergarteners and relying on me more to do things of actual value with them, instead of just supervising. I'm absolutely loving every minute of it. Recently I've been helping the kids who struggle with writing their name, and it's so fantastic to see their eyes light up when you tell them how awesome they are doing, or how much they are improving. They are so precious and innocent and I wouldn't want to spend those two hours of my Tuesdays and Thursdays in any other way. I'm so certain that this is what I was meant to do in my future; I don't think I've ever been so sure of anything.

A Sensible Change

This first week of school has been unlike any other. I can't remember the last time I felt as sure of myself as I feel right now. I must admit, it is a nice change. But it's so hard to describe...I've been mulling it over in my mind all week and I just can't figure out how to put it into words. Something just feels different. I've been happy before and I know how it feels, so I feel like describing this as happy isn't doing it justice - because it doesn't feel the same. It feels deeper, more satisfying...more radiating.

I don't know what's caused it and I don't know what to call it other than a miracle. For the first time in a long time I feel like my happiness is not dependent on anyone other than myself. Even in the midst of the chaos of this week, I have not become overwhelmed and I don't feel that it's anything that I can't handle. In fact, I know I can do everything that is being demanded of me and still be happy. That's how sure I am of what I'm feeling.

I think the strangest thing is, I don't know what triggered this change. It's just like, one morning I woke up and realized I didn't need to look at my feet when I walked down the side walk; I could look up and enjoy everything around me and smile at people as they walked by. I didn't need to fight for things to happen that obviously just weren't meant to be; I could let it go and enjoy the things in my life that wanted to happen for me. I'm not feeling this way because of an event, or a boy, or a particular situation...not a single thing can be pinpointed as the cause. It's just there.

I'm busy and I'm stressed out and I have so much to do...but I feel so at peace. I feel like the sun is inside my heart and I am glowing with joy and love and life, and I don't ever want this feeling to go away.

To try? Or not to try?

I was thinking today...I seem to do better at things when I think about them less; when I'm not actually trying really hard to do them. Like when I wrote about how getting a job has come so easily for me; I've never had to go out and work for it, it just happens. But it's almost inevitable that if I had to go look for a job, it would probably be much harder.

It's like when you lose something. You panic and you look for it and you're searching and you can't find it no matter where you look. Shortly after you give up and stop frantically tearing everything apart, it just seems to show up out of thin air and presents itself to you. Like "poof!"

Maybe if I "try" a little less and just "do" a little more, things might be easier. It used to make me so mad when I'd say I'd try something and people would say, "No, just do it!" But now I think I get it. Like, when I calm down, tell my brain to be quiet and just go with the flow a little more, things just automatically get easier. Call me crazy, but I think I'm onto something here...

It is time

This is me. This post is a promise to myself that I'm going to work on my self-confidence, that I'm going to look past my imperfections and my flaws and realize that I can love myself just the way I am. It's never been easy for me to do that. I don't expect it to be any easier now. But how can I expect someone else to love me, or expect to love someone else, if I can't love myself first?

I'm back at school, and I think I'm at a spot in my life where things are going really well for me for the most part. I feel good about the way I'm living my life, and I think that is the first step in this process. I'm ready to stop saying I'm moving forward and actually start moving forward. I've always said that actions speak louder than words, but I have failed to put that into effect in my own life. Until today.

A young girl that I coached over summer sent me this text after we completed the last meet of the season: "You are the best coach I will ever have. Thank you for believing in me when I didn't believe in myself. Thank you it was so much fun, I'm thinking about doing it again next year." I love that I can inspire people in that way, but I feel like I'm missing a piece of the puzzle when I'm able to help others believe in themselves, but I don't believe in me. I feel almost hypocritical, as grateful as I was to get that text, and I realized more than ever at that moment that it is time to stop being stuck in this self-imposed mud and time to start crawling out.

I'm promising myself this. And there is nothing I hate more than a broken promise.

Is summer over yet?

I'm exhausted. I've worked over 40 hours a week every week this summer and I'm ready to go back to school. Feels like more of a vacation being there than it does being home (with the exception of a couple weekends here and there). I'm ready to have a routine. I'm ready to have my own space.

Weird things have been happening and I take that as a sign that it's just time to move on. I'm getting itchy in my own skin and that is never really a good thing.

So anywho, in the midst of all this wildness this week, I made this really strange connection. I was thinking about how blessed I am in the sense that I have never really had to struggle to find a job - opportunities have always just fallen into my lap, right when I need them or sometimes even when I don't need them at all. How does that make me blessed? Well let's just not even get started on the job market. In the state that this country is in and the rate of unemployment, I feel more than lucky that I have been able to be employed for the last five years of my life, in one way or another.

So then I was thinking about it some more, and I realized, on top of never having to struggle to find a job, I've never even really had to hunt for a job. I've never looked, they've just kind of shown up and presented themselves to me. Here's where I made this connection - I've heard the quote from more than one person that, "whenever you stop looking for something, it will just show up," or something along the lines of that. Typically, people say it with regard to love. "You can't go looking for love, it just shows up when you least expect it." But it has been applied to other situations as well.

Is that really true? Have I been so fortunate in the job market because I've never really looked or been determined to find one? Do they really just fall into my lap because I'm just going with the flow? Hmm. And more importantly, is this really the case in all aspects of life? If I just let go, remain calm with whatever happens, and trust that everything will work out without holding expectations...will things just fall into place?

I'm sensing some Dao of Pooh-isms here...but with that I leave my thoughts unfinished. Those questions haven't been answered in my head yet, so...to be continued.

Why is unenthralling not a real word?

Well I was thinking today (I know, when am I not thinking?)...about thinking. Because of a thought provoking discussion on the idea of "unnecessarily thinking," or as I tried to correct myself and say "unnecessarily doubting." Is there such a thing?

The argument was posed to me that "doubting makes you wonder, makes you question, makes you think...and that is never unnecessary." I started to ask, what about when someone makes you doubt something you were previously sure of, but then I sort of dropped the conversation. Because I had brought up a good point to myself.

Today I changed the word "doubt" to "second-guessing," because I feel that it has less of a negative connotation and I wanted to look at this as unbiasedly as possible. So, is it unnecessary to second-guess something I thought I was sure of? Maybe not. Maybe I spoke too carelessly, used the word unnecessary too freely. Unnecessary means something is not needed, but truthfully, shouldn't a degree of second-guessing always be needed? If everyone just accepted everything they were told, the world would be a very unenthralling place to live and there would be a complete absence of free thought - something I feel very strongly about.

So in the grand scheme of things, I would have to disagree with my original statement and agree with the opposing statement...thinking is not unnecessary. You win this time, punk. :) But in the smaller context I used it in, I still think I'm right, so there. :P

Sound Mind

If it's possible to do a complete 180 over the course of a weekend, I think I did. Or at least a 140. It was like, Friday night I hugged my best friend for the first time in 8 months, and suddenly I could just think clearly and I was like, "What on earth have I been doing??"

Friday night I couldn't sleep because I was just way too excited that everything had actually worked for once and he was actually HERE. After hanging out all day Saturday, I slept better than I have all summer - 12 hours to be exact. I felt like I was reminded of who I was; the person who I felt had been missing or lost for the last few months was still there. It was really strange, but I suppose I should have expected it.

I woke up Saturday morning, and it was like I'd changed overnight. I was confident in what I needed to do about everything I'm having issues with in my life. Guy I was dating? It needs to be done and over with. It was never a good idea in the first place, and I'm better off without that complication in my life. Issues with friends? I can't keep pushing those issues to the side forever, I need to acknowledge them, deal with them, and move forward with my life. Moving forward does not mean pretending nothing happened. It means growing and getting past any issues and continuing on with my life. How I feel about myself? I am okay. I was never not okay, despite how I've felt at moments through-out this summer. I just need to keep taking life one day at a time, and not letting the things that may prove relatively insignificant get me down.

Today was a little rough because he left. But the goodbye days are always the hardest ones for me. But I had to remember that all of those clear-headed thoughts that I had yesterday don't go away because he went away...those thoughts were still real and valid and important. And as always, I have a sad day on the day poohad leaves, but I'll be better by tomorrow and this time, I've got a new and improved attitude too. Let's hope it sticks around.

Big Post coming soon...

I'm too busy and have too much going on right now to blog all about this right now. But the strangest thing is happening. I can't even explain it, but I will try soon.

Need to know information? My best friend is home. And it's the happiest weekend I've had all summer. :)

To be continued...

I Want to Learn How to Love

Or at least how to do it better. I don't mean romantic love either. I mean unconditionally loving people as my initial reaction upon meeting them. Loving them through their faults and their mistakes, and not allowing that love to turn to fear and pain if they decide to do something negative that directly involves me. Or maybe it isn't love I'm describing at all, maybe it's kindness. But in all actuality...isn't that love in it's most basic form?

People have hurt me in my life, people are hurting my in my life, and people are going to continue to hurt me in my life. It's part of being human and having emotions - trust can be broken, feelings can be hurt, and relationships can be ruined. However, being hurt by someone is not an excuse to hurt them back. I've been taught that since I was little. I always thought, because I've never maliciously hurt someone, or tried to actually "seek revenge" on someone, that that meant I was not hurting them back. But I don't think that is the case.

I'm beginning to think that thinking bad things about a person, holding on to negative thoughts based on my interactions with that person, is harmful in more ways than one. It's harmful to myself because it prevents me from letting go and moving forward. And ultimately, I think I have to step outside myself and think, "Would my thoughts about this person hurt them back?" Usually, for me, the answer is yes.

My thoughts are reflected in my attitude - the way I behave around certain people, or in certain situations. And that is where the problem arises. Just because someone was not kind to me doesn't mean I shouldn't be kind to them. My thoughts and fears and insecurities about this persons relation to my life should not dictate how I treat them. Sure, if someone betrays me and loses my trust, I may associate that time and action with that person for the rest of forever. But where I make my mistake is when I try to change my behavior with that person and end up treating them coldly.

What should I try to do instead? I should learn from the mistakes I made in that friendship, that relationship, that situation; and I shouldn't take that lightly. It is possible to change the way I interact with someone without losing that kindness. I know it's possible. It has to be. If I get lied to, I should not give that person the cold shoulder for even one second. But I should immediately adapt my behavior, realize what changes this means for my relationship to that person, but continue to treat them kindly and civilly.

I by no means am saying it's okay to just let people walk all over you. Although not always good at it myself, I am a firm believer that if someone does something hurtful to you, you should let them know what they did. But it's possible to do that without being rude or condescending - you just need to be straightforward and to the point. You shouldn't feel guilty for pointing that out to someone (something I need to work on...but that's a whole other tangent).

I think that's my goal for this semester. To learn how to love, in it's simplest form, better. To be unassuming, to learn from my mistakes, but not to let anything shake me to the point where I become spiteful toward any one person or even people in general.

I'm still thinking this through. I may look back at this tomorrow and realize none of it made any sense. I'm writing as I think through it...and maybe something will come from it. Maybe not. But it's worth a shot; I need some sort of change.

I have been wrecked.

I have not had days as low as this in a very long time. I forgot how frightening it could be to be in a position where you are questioning everything you ever thought you knew about yourself. How shaking that is. The only thing that is getting me through is knowing that at some point, I'm going to make it up and out of this ditch. It doesn't mean there won't be some slides back down as I lose my footing on the way up. I'm sure there will be. But if I can stay focused and know that all of that is what it's going to take to get out, I think I can do it.

I don't need to go into the specifics of it. All that needs to be said is that I have been lied to, in more ways than one. And for someone who can't seem to find the line between being trusting and being careful, I really didn't need that. It's extra hard to get back up from those sort of things for me, as I'm sure it is for many other people who have been hurt in similar ways. I'm floundering a little bit right now, especially because I'm just "stuck" in all that has happened until I can go back to school. I also have a hard time with not knowing the answers to all the questions that I have in my head about why things happened the way they did, but I need to accept that I do not have any right to the answers to those questions. I need to let go and move on.

I'll get there. I think I just need a bit more floundering time. And maybe some sort of miracle, just as a morale boost or something. Anything.

Apparently, I'm actually not competent enough to make my own decisions.

I do look like the stupid one.

He did choose his old reputation.

He doesn't appreciate me anymore for believing in the "new" him, because apparently, there is no "new" him.

He's proven he's not worthy of the chance I was willing to give him.

It all backfired.

And here I am, sitting in what's left of it.

It's not a pretty sight.

I knew it was going to be a sassy day when I woke up this morning.

I don't do well with people subtly trying to tell me that something I'm doing is not a good decision. Typically, they try to sneak around it and then I call them out directly and then it results in an argument. Because I get defensive over the attack and they get mad that they weren't sneaky enough and their plan blew up in their face. Typically.

The reason I get defensive is people usually have no "so what?" as one of my favorite English teachers would say, to their argument. One I've been hearing a lot of lately is, "You could do better than him," to which I respond, "So what?" And from there it usually deteriorates into pointless arguing. I get that people care about me and whatever, but a lot of times those statements come from people who probably don't really care that much, or don't really know what they are talking about. Yes, I do get defensive. But when someone is pretty much insinuating you're not competent to make your own decisions and don't think things through all the way, wouldn't you get defensive too?

Who do you think I am? Have I ever been someone to go blindly into a situation without thinking about the positive and negative consequences of my actions? I don't think so... I know that I have the potential to come out of this situation looking like the stupid one, standing up for someone against the words of everyone else, and them choosing their old reputation over the one I had faith in. I am well aware that is a possibility. But I also know that people change, and that this person, who has done nothing to me to prove he's not worthy of a chance, could be truthful and honest with me and may appreciate me more for being one of the few even willing to give him a chance.

I'm working on not going into every situation thinking someone wants to hurt me; it's hard. But I'm stubborn and I'm persistent. Please don't tell me how to live my life if you don't know the whole story.

Revelation

Five days of being stuck to the confines of my house was bound to result in something, right? It took some withdrawing, a couple breakdowns, and one hysterical meltdown, but I think I've finally realized what I need to do. This may be a revelation that I've had before, but something about it was different this time.

Just because you want something, no matter how badly you want it, does not mean you're going to get it. Trying to do everything you can to get it, guarantees absolutely nothing. I'm not being pessimistic, I'm not saying you should never hope to get anything you want or need ever in your life. Hope is a beautiful thing - my blog name isn't just for kicks and giggles. But their comes a point where you have to be accepting and not give up hope, but let go. Most of the time, the harder you try to get something you want or need, the farther from your grasp it gets. Or what's worse, sometimes you can get tantalizingly close - thinking you're actually getting your way - and then it blows up in your face. And you end up farther away and more desperate for it than you were to begin with.

If you've tried your best and can say you honestly put your best foot forward, then you eventually just have to let go. You have to be okay with what you have, happy in fact. You probably have a lot more to be grateful for than you're realizing. And when you take that step back, it makes you wonder what you may have been missing out on the whole time you were on that one-track mind set.

I have to be okay with relinquishing control because in all honesty, in the grand scheme of things, there is very little on this earth that we as people are capable of "controlling." Clinging on to the idea of something and what it could be and this sort of unrealistic type of hope, is not the same as the real idea of hope I have in my heart. That's not really hope, that's an expectation. There is a difference.

Sometimes, as soon as you stop wanting something, you get it. Maybe you won't want it by then, maybe you will want it again. No one knows. But you can't be afraid to let go of it for fear you may not want it later. That's a ridiculous way to live. And I don't know how I've made it this long doing just that. I think I need to change that. It's okay to let go. It really is.

Beautiful Moments

It's moments like these that remind me why I am the way I am, why I do believe that there is so much beauty in the world.

The organization for special needs adults came to the pool today for free swim during camp time. I absolutely love them - they are always so friendly and happy to be there. I can't help but smile the whole time they are there. Today I made a new friend, a speaking impaired man. While he was cautiously walking down the stairs into the water I said, "Good morning, how are you today?" He responded with a nod and a smile and a little grunt; it was then that I understood that he couldn't talk. He pointed to me and I just said, "Yep, I'm the lifeguard!" And I went about guarding the rest of my pool while he wandered around. He was next to the guard stand in the water and I saw him waving at me, trying to get my attention. I looked down and he had written his name with water on the side walk. He was pointing to himself and smiling. I replied, "Oh that's your name! Hello Phil, nice to meet you!" He was visibly excited and then pointed at me again. I now understood that was his way of asking me my name (a lot of the other adults really love to ask what our names are and introduce themselves). I told him my name and he smiled and clapped his hands before walking away to continue doing his thing.

I was left with a warmth in my heart that he had gone to such lengths just to learn my name, despite his obvious obstacles. I don't think I would have ever thought to write my name with water on the ground if I was incapable of communicating it to someone else.

Less than five minutes later, Tom, one of the adults I know from years passed got in the water and I said, "Good morning Tom! How's the water?" and he replied that it was good and then said, raising his arms up toward the sky, "There's lots of sunshine!" Smiling back at him, I said, "You are right, there is, just for you guys!" And he continued swimming on his way. Again, I'm left astounded by the joy that they emit. Sometimes that's all you need, to just smile and enjoy the sunshine.

Old Nonsense

"Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

With that being said and keeping that in mind, I have something from yesterday that I need to let go of. Sometimes I'm stubborn and I will let something draw out longer than it should because I don't want the other person to feel like I'm just giving in to their demands; I don't want to feel like I lost the battle. But I think I need to stop looking at it as a "battle" and trying viewing it as an "unnecessary conflict." If it's unnecessary, walking away and leaving it in the dust does not mean I have lost, it means I have stepped up and taken the action that needs to be taken. Rather than lowering myself to the level of pointless arguing and pretty much pointless, bickering conversation in general, I can walk away with a smile and say, "Fine. I'm sorry you feel that way, but I am not doing this with you." And every time I see that person from that point forward, I will be pleasant. No, I will not invite conversation. No, I will not go out of my way to attract their attention. No, I will not change the way I live my life to accommodate that person's insecurities that involve me. But I will smile and keep my head up instead of blankly looking down at the ground.

********

With that being said however, like I said, I still have something I need to let go of. And because I don't want more people involved in this than necessary, I'm going to do my final rant here, and from this point forward, it it is over and done with. I am moving on to my tomorrow with "too high a spirit" to continue dealing with this. Okay, here it goes.

THIS: "Okay please stop telling [person] and [person] I'm being bitchy to u cus I'm not. Not talking is not being bitchy. It's avoiding confrontation. Sorry I dnt want to have arguments. I've tried talking to u and u just act like I did something wrong so I'm basically like trying to stay out of your way as much as possible. I don't wanna cause any more problems with anyone. If this drama u have with me is just over [person] then it's not worth it. Me and [person] are just friends and I'd like to keep him as a friend but that isn't possible if all you to do is talk crap about me when u are together or texting. I said sorry a while ago and u like blew it off so those harsh feelings is what I still feel. We would be perfectly fine if we culd just act nice towards each other. I mean I still have good memories from jr. guards and stuff. Maybe those times culd come back." IS NOT AN APOLOGY. I don't know in what way you considered all of that to be an "apology," but if you were expecting me to apologize for anything, which it seems like you were, I suggest you lower your expectations.

#1: I didn't tell anyone you were being bitchy, that was all brought up to me by those people. They asked "Hey, why is she so rude to you?" So do not blame me for telling them this when you made it so painfully obvious that they felt the need to ask me about it. I've worked there for five years, I don't play these games that you seem to think I play.

#2: What argument are we having? We don't talk, I'm pretty sure arguing involves talking. All I'm asking is that you quit glaring at me every time I walk in a room. Don't say "I'm not glaring, I just notice when you walk by," because there is an obvious change in your face from when you go to talking to one person and turn around to "notice" me.

#3: I have no drama with you. YOU have drama with me that YOU are creating. I don't talk to you. I'm pretty sure, again, that for me to start drama with you there has to be some sort of initiation of that drama...which so far has all been on your end. And if you think that I am the one who is going to prevent you and said-person from having a friendship, you are very, very mistaken. The only one who is going to stop that from happening is you...everything you do to try and "win him back" or get him back on your side only pushes him farther away from you. If you'd quit being so absorbed in your own life and actually started to care about him and how he feels, you'd probably have noticed that a long time ago.

#4: I never blew off your apology. Even though I didn't know what you were apologizing for in the first place. I just DIDN'T WANT TO DEAL WITH IT. News flash: I still don't want to. Or, let me rephrase that, it's not that I don't want to, I just don't feel the NEED to. But no, we will never go back to "jr. guards memories." You've proven yourself to be quite a different person since then, and I'm no longer that 17 year old either.

But as of today. I will be cordial. I don't like you, but I will smile and wave anytime I see you "noticing" me again. You're welcome in advance. Rant over.

How can you get very far,

If you don't know Who You Are?

How can you do what you ought,

If you don't know What You've Got?

And if you don't know Which To Do

Of all the things in front of you,

Then what you'll have when you are through

Is just a mess without a clue

Of all the best that can come true

If you know What and Which and Who.

-Benjamin Hoff, The Tao of Pooh

Dear Poohad,

I suck at talking about stuff like this in person, so I'm going to try this instead. And then once I've got it all laid out on the table, feel free to ask or say anything that you want when we talk tomorrow night. Deal? Deal.

So, that guy that I dated? The one who got a job at the pool with his now ex-girlfriend. We're seeing each other again. I don't know why. He can be nice, he can be a gentleman...but sometimes he can not be also. I can't see myself being with him seriously in the future, or see it being anything long term. I guess I'm just trying to have fun with it. Maybe it's because I'm not enjoying being home and I thought maybe this would fix it. Maybe I'm looking for something...but not really finding anything. I don't know.

Anyway. He's said a couple things recently that have brought up some things in myself that I didn't think I had issues with. Well, what he's said in combination with a couple other things. Anywho, I don't expect him to be exclusive with me. He's not my boyfriend, if he finds another girl he is free to leave me and I won't be upset with him. But the last couple times we've hung out, he's jokingly said things that really brought up this strong emotion in me...like a shut-down sort of mode. Two nights ago we were hanging out and he was joking around grabbing things in the room and saying they were his, then he hugged me and said I was his. I don't think that was really meant as a big deal, he was just messing around. But I just had a really bad reaction to it.

But it added to this growing realization of how distrusting I am. And how scared I am that everyone I really love or let into my life is going to leave me, so I just stop letting them in, or push them out, or convince myself that they don't really care anyway. Anything I can do to make myself more "protected." Only it really just drives me crazy.

Like...this is the harder part. When you stopped talking for a long time, I got really scared. Actually I do every time that it happens. I'm worried, even though you've told me before, that you're going to leave me. Just like other people have. Maybe I just got spoiled with talking to you so often during the first semester and half, so it seems weird for me to not talk to you now. Even though I tell myself all the time, "He's busy, he has a lot going on," I still feel like you're going to change your mind and realize that you are okay without me being in your life. It's like, I've gotten so used to feeling replaceable that I don't see what's stopping you either. So before I even let you explain, I'd start to tell myself, "Well get used to it, he doesn't need you and you need to stop needing him." But of course, I say that but I never believe it. That I could just stop. It's all because for whatever reason I can't just believe people that are close to me really want to be there.

So then I do what I'm doing now. Have this thing with this dumb guy and just tell myself everyday not to get attached because that way I won't be the one getting hurt. But somehow I always get a little more attached than I should, even though I know, somewhere in me, that I'm not doing myself any favors by being with this guy right now anyway. I don't know what the hell I'm doing or why I'm doing it. But I'm probably just asking for trouble and putting myself in a situation that is only going to make my distrust worse.

I feel a little bit lost. Like at one point I was so sure of myself. But something happened. I don't really know how I got from there to here. But well, here I am. Told you, whining about my white girl problems. :P I could keep rambling, but the point of writing this out was to try and condense it so that I rambled less...so I'm going to stop now. Oovoo tonight, you have an explanation for me too!

Love,

Me.

Don't Call Me Yours

That makes me want to bolt in the opposite direction.

Even if you were saying it as a joke, I don't belong to you.

I don't want to belong to you. That's a big commitment.

I don't know how to do those sort of things anymore...not that I ever really did in the first place.

I feel like those are always empty promises anyway.

"You belong with me." "You're mine." "We're forever."

And then it ends. Forever can end? Hmm.

I just stop belonging with you? Oh, okay.

Don't say things you don't mean. Or make promises you can't keep.

And definitely don't even consider calling me yours if you know that at the drop of a hat you could find some other girl and leave me. Cuz then where does that leave me? Stuck on you, lost, and abandoned, that's where. Don't mess me up. I'm doing a great job with not getting attached.

Gratefulness Round 2

"I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person."

-Audrey Hepburn

Today I'm feeling grateful that I am able to smile and laugh. And I'm even more grateful to have people in my life that can genuinely make me do so. People always say it doesn't take much to get me to laugh...I like that. I like being able to smile and enjoy the company of others. I don't have much else to elaborate on for this one. I'm just glad I can. :)

I know what's wrong!

I forgot to just love life.

A shower epiphany, of all things. I've been looking for love too much. Looking for validation, looking for reciprocated feelings, looking for something that is nearly impossible to find if you are really looking. If I'm looking for satisfaction in loving others who don't love me back, of course I'm going to feel off-kilter!

I can't make anyone love me.

I can't control the involvement anyone is going to let me have in their life.

I can't fully dictate what all people are going to think of me.

I can remember how much joy the simple things bring.

I can take everything one day at a time.

I can get out and do things for myself that are going to make me happy.

No, it's not going to satisfy the romantic in me and give me that idealistic happiness that I'm really longing for. But I can't rush that, I can't force that. That will happen when it happens and I have to accept that. It's no longer an option for me to not. I love life, and I never fell out of love with it. I just forgot a little. It might be slow going along and getting back to that point, but it's better than staying where I am now.

Hello, Life. I'm sorry for neglecting you for so long. But part of the reason we are so compatible is because we are both overly forgiving. I know you'll welcome me back, even if I don't deserve it. I won't make you regret it.

Dear Future Boyfriend,

Please forgive me. I have my walls built up to the sky. I hope you're really here to break them down, brick by brick. Don't try to come crashing through all at once, I'll run away. I'm willing to try my hardest to get back to being the girlfriend that I know I can be, but I need you to be patient with me.

I want to trust you. I want to love you, freely and openly and without hesitation. I want to show you how much I have to offer. I want to drop my insecurities and know that you will love me for me, not just as a girl who can be a place holder until something better comes along. I want to believe you won't cheat on me, or lie to me, or lie about me. I want to believe that I deserve to be loved.

I need you to prove to me, in the face of my growing doubt, that all those wants are realistic. Please.

Love,

Me