Tonight my heart is heavy.

What do you say to your best friend when he loses the last thing that had strong meaning in his life, the last thing that at multiple points was the only thing keeping him afloat? I don't know what to say. I don't even know what to think. I rarely find myself at a loss for words, but I am finding myself utterly speechless.

I'm having a true moment of questioning myself and the world and everything beyond this world. Because this isn't fair; and it breaks with everything I've ever preached or believed and I'm not quite sure how to handle that. Right now, "handling it" looks a lot like sitting on my bed quietly staring into space and trying to muster up some thought-from-shock to write this blog post. If there is any higher power, why is he making life so hard for this kid? Hasn't he paid enough? Hasn't he gone through enough ups and downs and tragedies to be able to experience some real honest beauty and greatness and luck in life? I don't get it. I don't understand why he's being continually tested beyond the emotional stress capacity of anybody else I know. Why won't the universe give him a break? Why can't he get some of the happiness that he is more than worthy of? I don't get it.

I know he's going to read this. He's pretty much my only audience member. But I still find myself saying, "What do I say?" So:

I love you poohad. I wish everyone else in this wild world could see you the way that I do. I want to keep being optimistic and positive for you, but I also don't know if you really want that right now. I don't know if that will help you. I feel speechless and helpless. I'm going to hold your spirits up high for you, and I'm going to sing you the song in your heart when you are unable to do it yourself. The minute we realized our friendship, I knew I would never leave your side, no matter how ugly or beautiful things got. And things are ugly now, but remember that you are never, ever, ever alone.

"There is something you must always remember:

You are braver than you believe,

Stronger than you seem,

And smarter than you think.

But the most important thing is, 

Even if we're apart...

I'll always be with you."

I'm going to go eat away at some sherbet, and I only wish you were here to enjoy it with me. Hugs and love to you mister. I'm holding you in my heart and in my prayers.

Peeved

You know what irks me? When something goes missing and someone says, "Someone stole it!" Really? Really. What is this, elementary school?! I hear that and it reminds me of when I was in school and when I go into the classroom today and a little one goes, "Teacher! Someone stole my pencil!!" and then you point to a pencil on the ground underneath their desk and say, "You mean that pencil?" and they look back at you sheepishly and say, "Oh...yeah."

Why is some people's first reaction to assume that a missing object was stolen??  Like, for what reason do you need to make something such a dramatic event with such an immediate judgement call? I watched a grown man do it yesterday and I shook my head at him. Then, another man came in today and said the same thing to me, about the same object. Because the man from yesterday had spread it to him!! He has no proof that these missing hooks for the pool were stolen, but he goes around preaching it to anyone who will listen anyway. And get this, he also has a "suspect."

Dude. Grow up. You're 45 years old, it's time to get a life.

I don't know what it is. Are people too lazy to look for something they could have potentially lost, so they say it was stolen? Are they too prideful to admit that the loss of the object is their fault, so they have to put the blame on some external force? Are they so bored with their day-to-day lives that they have to invent and stir up some drama to make things more interesting? None of those are valid reason; in fact, I'd venture to say they all make the accuser look like a fool.

Yes, sometimes things get stolen and I'm not arguing that they don't. But when you can't find something for two seconds, or haven't even bothered looking for it....shut your damn mouth and take some responsibility first. Sheesh.

Voicing to Others

In my 8th grade yearbook, my science teacher wrote:

"Speak up! The world needs to hear from you."

How funny that sounded to quiet, insecure, thirteen-year-old me. What could I possibly have to say that the world would want to hear? And moreover, in what world was I ever going to overcome my tremendous fear of public-speaking to be able to tell anyone anything?

The answer to that question, I now realize, is in this world. Yes, I used to get paralyzed when speaking in front of a large group, even a group of my own peers. It was a challenge that I felt I would never overcome. I struggled through presentations through high school and the beginning of my college career. I would sit back down after a presentation where my voice shook, my hands shook, and I stumbled over words I had practiced over and over again; and I would feel absolutely defeated. If I couldn't explain something to a classroom of people, how was I ever going to communicate with the world?

I attribute most of  my growth in public speaking to taking up Spanish with the intent to become proficient enough that I could call it my second language. I would say I'm half way there now, but it's caused a lot more changes in my life that I had ever imagined. It's made speaking English seem easy, not that it ever wasn't, in casual conversation of course. But what I mean is, getting up in front of a group to present something in my native language began to feel much less daunting, because I was confident in my abilities to speak without sounding like a fool. I knew what it felt like to not have mastery of a language, so suddenly it didn't matter who I was speaking to, or how many there are. I knew that I could do it. If I could do it in Spanish, although broken and fragmented, and have people understand me...then I could sure as hell do it in English.

So the first step was feeling like I could speak to a crowd. The second step was beginning to feel like I had something worthwhile to say. That one's been a little slower to develop, mostly because I was young and inexperienced. But as I'm about to graduate, I'm finding that I have things to say and things that I want other people to hear. And it comes from being passionate about what I'm doing with my life. This week I'm speaking at a Reunion/Informational Meeting about my experiences in El Salvador and at Chapel to talk about the same experience and the aspect of community service. And there's a lot more potential for me to do some more speaking - I'm meeting with a professor about the prospect of creating a proposal to add an international aspect to the Liberal Studies Undergraduate program. If it goes through, I'd be a strong force in that movement. 

But I'm not scared anymore. I feel like I have important things to tell people. Things that could make a difference. And the prospect of having the opportunities to share them excites me. That excitement is enough to overcome any nerves. I've finally come to the realization of what my science teacher was trying to impart on me 10 years ago; I just needed to understand how capable I really was. Then everything else just falls into place.

Thoughts of the morning

I just had the craziest moment of clarity ever. I'm sitting in my bed eating breakfast before I plan to go swim for this morning's workout, listening to music, and just kind of pondering life. Where I'm at now, where I will be in the near future, where I will be in the distant future, things I want to try in my lifetime...you know, the usual thoughts people have at 8am (ok maybe not).

And then I had this huge epiphany, and it came to me so clear and so obvious that it even brought a little bit of happy tears to my eyes. Everything I think about doing in my life, not just today but in the past as well, I unconsciously visualize me doing all of those things with Ray by my side.  That's how I know that I want him in the rest of my life, that's how I know he's who I want to marry. Every time I think about wanting to do something, I say to myself, "It would be so cool if Ray and I could do that!" Why? Not because I'm incapable of enjoying things by myself. I've proven that I can very easily do that and grow from it. No, it's because everything is better when he's there. Even if I'm living what feels like the best week of my life, like I did in El Salvador a couple weeks ago, I stop and think about how Ray being there with me would make it that much more incredible. He's the missing piece to my adventures. I want that piece with me the next time I travel. I want that piece with me when I move to San Diego. I want that piece with me when I start teaching. I want that piece to go hiking with me, to exercise with me, to relax with me, to go shopping with me, to be with me to make the rest of my life that much better.

Whoa, right? It's 8:30, and I'm already carrying that joy in my heart for the day. It's going to be a beautiful one. :)