it's rant time.

i'm very very tired of seeing adults act like they are 12 years old. you think that you stop with the mindless gossiping, the shit-talking, the badmouthing and the immaturity once you learn what unattractive traits those are. blatantly disrespecting others and allowing others opinions to dictate your own should have been left behind with high school. sure you have the freedom of speech, but that freedom is a responsibility and abusing it is an ugly way to show appreciation. how does someone go through their whole life and never learn that the world doesn't revolve around them? i know 17 year olds who are more grown up than some of the 40 year olds i've encountered in my life.

i know i'm supposed to respect my elders, but how do i respect someone who is incapable of showing respect in their own behaviors? i view the term elder as someone who is more experienced and wiser than myself. and forgive me for being bluntly direct, but i do not believe all adults are wiser than me, they may be experienced, but they gain nothing from it. i am almost 20 years old - do not demand my respect if you are incapable of being respectful yourself.

God help me if i ever, ever, develop such unattractive and childish traits and means of interacting. i could never forgive myself for becoming that way. if that's what it means to "grow up," then i hope i stay young forever.

...end rant.

"Life is like a box of chocolates..."

i'd almost forgotten what it was like to sit down and talk with someone for hours, but to lose all concept of time. to have a few hours feel like one. to sit and listen and watch someone talk to you about something that really means something. or to feel like someone's not just listening to you, but that you are actually being heard.

it's funny how Life is. how you can have a plan, but usually Life doesn't really like to follow your set plan. Life is stubborn, independent and defiant. but Life is smart and caring also; it has it's own plan and sometimes you just have to trust it. you can push it away, and you can resist it with every bone in your body...but Life always wins. so why fight it? just accept that Life has a plan and sometimes it doesn't go the way you would like and sometimes it sucks...but you and Life have the same goal: your happiness. so why not just accept that things aren't going to go your way, and know that there is a bigger purpose behind everything? save yourself the grief.

i've been getting a few lessons in this lately...and not just in the small scale of a conversation venturing off course to completely new topics. bigger things. things that i'm realizing but can't quite let go of yet. but it will happen, i will let go eventually.

lapse of spirit

sometimes you just need a break from being the strong one.

you need an evening to let everything catch up with you.

to feel upset for you instead of for everyone else.

instead of holding up for those who need you.

its hard when you think the whole story might mess things up.

to try and tell part without telling the whole.

you look more stupid without the background story.

and it takes all the strength you have left to hold back the rest.

it would be easier to tell everything, to put it all in the open.

you don't want to add more fire to the flame that others feel.

so you neglect yourself.

and wait for a moment of bottled up emotion to break free.

and when it does, you push it away as quick as it came.

do the needed damage control, and go on as if it never happened.

merry christmas!

i don't even need tomorrow to come to be happy with everything as it is right at this moment. i'm home with a family who loves me. i've been lucky enough to see friends i haven't seen in a few months. my best friend is home and safe. and once again i am simply awestruck by all that i have been blessed with.

i would never describe myself as religious, spiritual maybe, but not religious. however, in attending a private religious university, you can't help but pick up on things, especially in religion classes. Christmas is a celebration of the birth of Jesus, and the number one thing that Jesus stands for is love. Love. so today i will surround myself with people who love me, and i will make sure those close to me know they are loved because i believe that is truly what this holiday is all about. not just about the presents, not just about Santa, or sugar cookies, or christmas lights...it's about the love that is shared in the ideas, the set-up, the concepts of all of those things.

so merry christmas to everyone, may your day and your life be filled to the brim with all kinds of love! ♥

Materializing Importance

i have a really hard time buying people christmas presents, especially people who mean a lot to me. i don't know why, i think i just put too much pressure on myself to get them something great and meaningful, and then any hint of an idea just escapes me because i'm so worried about it being perfect. so what happens? its almost two days before christmas and i'm still stumped.

but presents shouldn't matter right? i mean, i don't expect to get things from others, more often i would rather not...people don't need to spend their money on me. but i understand that it is used as an expression of feelings toward another person, and although not altogether necessary, it can be a nice gesture. when viewed in that context, obviously it shouldn't matter what you give to another person, the gesture in itself says enough. i feel that way about people giving me gifts...someone could give me something i may never use in my whole life, but i would appreciate it because there was definitely some thought behind it.

people say "it's the thought that counts." i think i'm getting to caught up in how big the "thought" is, rather than the fact that it is just there. i feel to big of a need to show people how much they mean to me by the greatness of the gift i get them, not necessarily in terms of price, but in terms of making sure i get the one thing in the world that i see as the most perfect for them. but why worry about making or buying a gift that says that, when i can use my words and just say it?

psh, easier said than done (no pun intended).

today's moment of beauty

today i sat in my car in the pouring rain waiting for a friend i was meeting for coffee. i looked out my window and saw the blurry image of an elderly couple leaving the cafe next door, bundle up from head to toe in rain-proof clothing. they walked slowly and cautiously to their car, the man standing behind the woman, holding the one umbrella over her head, while he got soaked by the downpour. his eyes were looking downward, not watching his own feet but rather the slow steps of his wife, arms out next to her side, ready to catch her if she were to slip or fall.

they reached the curb and as she started to step down, they exchanged some words as the man moved around her and stepped down the curb himself before holding out his hand to help her down the step. all while keeping the umbrella over her head. he walked her around the car, opened her car door for her and held her hand as she climbed in. only after closing her door did he walk back around and get in the driver's side.

it took probably a good three minutes longer than if they would have walked separately to their respective sides of the car. the man probably got more drenched than he needed to have. it wasn't necessarily the easiest way to go about it.

but it was beautiful.

sucks the joy right out of christmas!

i really dislike being at school during the month of december because it really does make christmas come as a surprise...and by the time i realize its actually here, it seems that it's already gone. it doesn't feel like christmas here at school. lights in windows of dorms are not the same as going on a tour of the neighborhood back home. wrapping and unwrapping presents isn't the same with out the christmas tree.

i don't like missing out on putting the lights up on the house with my dad. i don't like that buying our christmas tree and decorating it gets pushed back because of finals week. i miss my family. i miss my friends. i just want to be home already! i want to feel like christmas!

one. more. day.

trudging through pre-finals week

so all that motivation has pretty much up and left, as i was well aware that it would. i was just hoping it would last a little longer. now i just want to be done, and i just want to be HOME.

i have nothing deep and meaningful to write about tonight. my brain is too exhausted to write anything of real meaning. right now, all i can think about is the music flashbacks claire and i have been having during homework time. boy bands, disney music, and other typical 90s music. and they really just don't make music like they did back then. sure it's a little corny, but really, it's cute and most of all, it's respectful; a trait that seems to be lacking in a lot of today's mainstream music.

and i won't lie, that corny cute-ness appeals to a part of me. i'm a sucker for stuff like that. maybe it gives me false hope, maybe my expectations are too high when i listen to songs and wish that i could find a guy who could feel that way about me. but if someone wrote it, someone felt it. right? so i don't feel its completely out there to hope for something like that in my own life. and hey, i'm a bit of a cheeseball myself, so of course i'm gonna like this stuff. :)

i think i'm just longing for something real. something that's stable. something that has a future. yeah, that would be nice. i'm ready.

to bed i go. well...if the roo and i can motivate ourselves to move the 10 feet from the couch to our room. ohhh finals....

dangerously beautiful

a simple concept was brought to life for me by my ethics professor yesterday in class - the most beautiful things in life have the potential to be equally as dangerous. its like, we aren't allowed to experience some of the most breathtaking and beautiful sights and emotions without acknowledging the potential dangers they also present.

most people go through an average part of their young life without understanding the flip side to all they feel is beautiful. when you're little, you don't have any comprehension of the things that can hurt you in life. but it only takes one experience to begin and change the way you view the world; that innocence can disappear in the blink of an eye.

you learn the sun that you find joy in playing in can sunburn you. you learn the pool where you splash away your summers that it can take the lives of others. you learn the beach and its crashing waves has sharks and jellyfish and waves that can destroy. you learn the beautiful roses outside of your house have thorns. you learn that the people you love most in your life have the ability to hurt and betray you in ways you never thought possible.

just because you learn that something has dangers, does that take away the initial beauty of it? if you experience these dangers, should you shut yourself off to something you once got so much enjoyment out of? i wouldn't say you should shut yourself off, but you have to develop some degree of caution that you regard things of beauty with. i really do not believe you can go through life disregarding the dangers in life, but this is not to say your cautions should be so high that they interfere with the way you live your life.

it seems to be a little easier, in general, to define these caution levels in external experiences, like roses and thorns and the sun and sunburns. its when you get to the stripped-down, raw human emotions that things get hard.

i would consider myself a bit of a hopeless romantic - i believe that love is truly a beautiful human emotion, to experience oneself as well as to give to others. but i know, from my own life experience and witnessing those of others that love is also one of the most dangerous things that exists. when you truly love someone, your heart welcomes them into your life and you allow yourself to deeply connect with them...so deep that if that connection is ever broken, you can literally feel your insides ache with an indescribable pain that is inequivalent to anything else you will ever experience in your life.

it only takes a single broken connection to seriously alter your mindset on love as a whole. its so much easier to be overcautious with your heart, to guard it, to put walls up that are nearly impossible to break down...because you don't want to ever experience what you felt again. it feels dangerous, it feels scary...so why subject yourself to that again?

i have to remind myself of this almost every day...not everyone you love is going to leave you. its hard to fight the urge to shut love out of your life for good after you get heartbroken, and its even harder if you experienced this sort of pain more than once. you have to understand that despite your awful experiences, it is not a prediction of all future experiences.

by no means am i an expert at any of this. i've been hurt in the past and it is never a struggle that is far from my mind. but i truly do believe that there is too much beauty in this world that i want to experience to let a danger get in my way. part of what makes love so beautiful to me is the passion that is behind it; passion does not come from an easy path. passion derives from battling and fighting and setbacks and victories and downfalls. it's like my mom used to tell me when i was little: if you fall, get back up, dust yourself off and try again.

Motivated!

break has left me rejuvenated and re-motivated. i'm ready to push through these next two weeks of class and through finals week. i want to enjoy my month off for christmas...not anything like the ten days i experienced last year with winter training camp looming like a giant black rain cloud over my head. a month of straight family, friends, relaxation and love.

i'm dedicating these next three weeks to: homework, studying, writing, working out, work, and possibly some pleasure reading to keep myself sane. this is the plan. do i always stick to the plan? no. but i'm going to try really really hard.

nineteen days. i've got two countdowns, both ending on the same day. by noon on December 16th, i will be one very happy girl. not that i'm not already, i'll just be extra happy. :)

The Act of Giving Thanks

Happy Thanksgiving, world! i've been sitting here contemplating what i would like to write about this day, and in the meantime i've received three "happy thanksgiving" mass texts and watched about 20 people update their statuses on facebook with something along the same lines. while i don't doubt that all of these people mean what they say, there is something less sincere about reading a short message that is sent to you and all of their other "facebook friends" or numbers in their phones.

so i'm going to stay away from the phone, stay away from the facebook updates and limit my media expression to this blog alone. if you don't get a text or a status update from me, which i highly doubt you will, don't think it doesn't mean i'm not grateful for you in my life. although today is the recognized "day to give thanks," i would rather show you through-out the year how much you mean to me than let you know out of a feeling of obligation once a year.

don't take this the wrong way - i will be celebrating all i have to be grateful for today. and that is quite a lot because despite its ups and downs, life is truly beautiful! under this umbrella of life, what is it that i am thankful for?

i am thankful for where i live.

i have a roof to live under and i do not want to devalue that fact. but i am so grateful for that roof to be here, in Ventura. how many places in the world can you go out on the evening before thanksgiving and sit on the beach, with the islands clear in the distance, and watch the sun set over the ocean? absolutely breathtaking.

and not only am i thankful for living here in Ventura and in California, but i am grateful to live in a country where i am blessed with so many freedoms and so many opportunities. i am blessed to live a life of where individuality is not only and option, but encouraged.

i am thankful for all of the people who have impacted my life.

positive and negative influences alike, to those who have hurt me and those who have lifted me back up, all have helped me grow and made me into the person that i am today. i am grateful for the strength you have brought forth in me, the perseverance you have instilled in me, and the inspiration you have given me.

i am thankful for a life of relative comfort.

i live a life where i am lucky to have food on the table, a bed to sleep in, clean water to drink, means of cleanliness, and clothing to wear. i work to have money in my pocket and i attend an outstanding university so that i may heighten my education and work toward a good future for myself.

i am thankful for my family and my close circle of friends.

i am lucky to receive love from so many people in my life and for that reason i am able to give love in return, to them as well as others. the backbone of my being, i will not go through and name these people because i treat them in a way that they should know who they are. or at least i try to.

on this Thanksgiving, as well as everyday through-out the year, remember those who are not as blessed as you are. remember those who struggle to make it through each day and those who sacrifice some of their blessings to ensure that you are able to lead the life you do. "Remember it's not what we say about our blessings but how we use them."

remember that nothing in life is permanent, so you should never take anything for granted. be thankful today, but do not let this be your only day of giving thanks.

Big Ugly Monster(s)

i am not a jealous person, but there is one thing that gets under my skin and makes that big green ugly monster show up. every. single. time. i don't have a right to feel this way, its over a matter of which i have no more possession or right to than any one else. but it drives me absolutely mad. ignoring the underlying bigger issue that this is an indication of, it makes relatively no sense. sorry for the vagueness, but i'm not quite at a spot to blog about this and have it actually be coherent.

i feel that i'm dealing with a lot of big ugly monsters right now. they aren't all big maybe, but regardless of their size i feel like i'm in defense mode at all times right now. my hands are balled up, my eyes flitting, and my steps quick. i keep pushing those ugly monsters away, but maybe its time to let them in...one by one, and sit down and have a conversation with them. use my words instead of my fists like they teach you from the time you can talk. i've been dancing back and forth between pushing them all away and trying to let them all in at once; both tasks far too overwhelming.

maybe if i let one monster in at a time, allow him to make himself comfy and feel right at home, exchange words and have dialogue; maybe i will be able to communicate my assertiveness over him and thus, with no purpose in my life any longer he will just...poof...disappear. or at least shrink down to a minuscule and cowering little bugger who has virtually disappeared.

"What did you run from?"

so i was sitting here pondering what to blog about, toying around with an idea that wasn't so important or necessary to write about, when i remembered that i went on a run the other day. anyone who knows me knows that this is very far from normal for me. i told my dad and he said, "What were you running from?" he was being sarcastic of course because that's my dad's sense of humor. but it was even funnier to me, because as i jogged down the stairs to start my run, that's exactly what i thought i was doing - running away from something.

as i ran, i began to think about what i was running away from. it is true, i was running away from something, but not so much as i was running looking for something else. running is hard for me; it isn't something i've ever been gifted in and its never been something i've necessarily enjoyed doing either. the whole time i run, i think and i fight the urge to quit...its challenging. but the rush of the cold air, my feet pounding, and the heavy breaths remind me that i'm living and challenges like this are part of living. you aren't always going to like it, it's not always going to be fun, but you can fight through it and it gets better and it gets easier.

it's hard. you may not enjoy it. but the more you work at it, the easier it gets. it will never be flat out easy; life isn't meant to be that way. after a tough week with little resolution, it may seem contradictory to want to add more challenge and more difficulty. but i ran to look for that challenge and to feel that challenge and to feel life.

"Courtney is Forgiving"

we are doing a virtue development project in my ethics class for the remainder of the semester, but i'm not sure how much i believe in an assigned development of virtue. shouldn't trying to develop a particular virtue be a personal choice, not something you are told to do for a grade? i know personally, the minute i'm told i have to do something in a particular way with certain time restraints, it automatically decreases my desire to do it.

and can you truly isolate a single virtue and improve that in your life? i'm not so sure. because i think the virtues are so intertwined that you can't just pull one away from the rest and say "i'm going to work on increasing this one virtue in my life." this is all based on some personal experiment that Ben Franklin did with a list of what he believed were the cardinal virtues and he worked to develop all of them in himself. But even he found that he forgot some in his list, one in particular that was most definitely related to all the rest - humility. i'm not saying its not in your powers to make yourself a better person - that is always an option - but i feel the minute you try and isolate an option, you see how many strings it really has attached to it.

i won't argue that this assignment hasn't made me think, although i can't speak for the rest of the class (where the minimal seems to be the best option). obviously my deemed virtue of development is forgiveness because i do tend to have a hard time with holding grudges for longer than necessary sometimes. we're supposed to deal with developing this on a day to day basis, but i don't always have issues with forgiveness daily, so its made it a little harder. but then i realized...maybe i'm looking at it the wrong way. it's not that i have to wait for the day when i get mad at someone and test myself on letting it go. it can be when i feel animosity about something that has happened in my past that i haven't been able to let go of. that's what i have a bigger problem with.

forgiveness is a hard concept. to define and to incorporate into your life. at least for me. the dictionary definition is along the lines of "stopping a feeling of resentment toward a person or thing," but we've all heard the saying, "it isn't as easy as just stopping." when somebody hurts you in a way that you never believed was possible and acts in ways that are not ever considered acceptable, how do you just stop being upset about it? i've told people that i've forgiven them for things when in all actuality i'm not really sure that i have.

so i've changed the goal of this assignment for myself. before i can work on developing forgiveness in myself, i must first understand what it means to forgive. once i learn the "what," i can then begin to learn the "how."

"Forgive all who have offended you, not for them, but for yourself."

-Harriet Nelson

something that drives me crazy

i almost called this post "something i dislike," but then i realized i don't actually have anything against this particular thing...it just makes me a little crazy (or more so than usual).

i have something i need to say and desperately want to say. but i haven't quite yet figured out how to say it. it's just so complicated and so strange and not entirely sensical. but it's there and i feel it and i'm not sure what to do with it now that i've acknowledged it. this sort of middle ground, the phase before i'm able to actually express what my heart is feeling, is what confuses me to no end. this thought just sits in my brain and invades and pushes forward anytime it feels even slightly ignored, feisty and intrusive.

mostly, what i think this centers around is that i feel i have developed some...standards...for myself, for what i deserve and how i deserve to be treated, and in a nutshell, i feel that these standards (although i view as highly beneficial to myself) are going to make things more challenging for me. that's as much as i can spit out right now.

sigh. i'll get it eventually.

"I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you."

-Unknown

"What goes on?"

i have a tattoo on the side of my foot that says, "it goes on..." it's from a Robert Frost quote.

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."

it's a little bit faded now and needs a few touch ups, but that is besides the point. that will be done with time, i'm not worried...it's not like its going anywhere. ;)

as with tattoos, it's normal to get a lot of people asking what it means or what significance it has to you. Some people ask that of me when they first see my tattoo, but more often i get the question: "What goes on?" I used to hastily reply with, "Well it's part of a quote by Robert Frost...." But i realized that doesn't really answer the question they are asking me (although most people would be satisfied with that response, which shows something else about people....i'll save that rant for another day).

i fell in love with this quote at a time in my life where i was stuck in a low place that i had no idea how to get out of. it was rough and it was scary and i would consider myself very very lost. i had completely lost touch with reality and myself and everything around me. i stumbled across this at some point during that state of mind, and for some reason it really hit home with me. it helped me change my attitude and my way of interacting with the rest of the world.

since then, i've used this quote in my life in many occasions. i feel that it is applicable in pretty much any situation, positive or negative (people can just as easily get too caught up in the "good things" that happen in life), but it is ultimately applied in cases where stress is high or there is a perceived loss of "control" in life.

so what goes on? the easiest response i can give is LIFE. life goes on. you can choose to sit in your single state of mind and watch the world continue on its course, or you can continue on with life and move on and learn from what you've experienced. this is not to demoralize something like grieving - that is a necessary part of human behavior - but in grieving you are learning as well.

but i can only tell you what my tattoo means to me. to you, it may have a different meaning. its meaning is relative to where you are at in your life. sometimes it may apply just to a specific situation, but eventually you will realize how encompassing three simple words may be. i think thats part of the appeal to me, that such ordinary and simple words can be so open-ended and be interpreted in so many different ways. i can't tell you that this quote is specific to one aspect of my life. it exists in relation to almost everything i do. this quote literally means everything to me. everything goes on, with or without you, and i choose to believe its better to go along and experience the world than to sit and watch it all pass you by.

its on my foot for a reason too. it is my feet that carry me forward out of the past. they are what keep me from being stuck in the present. and they will lead me into the future. it goes on...so i will as well.

Rap

now, in modern culture there are two general types of rap that you may come across.

on one hand you have the pointless, degrading, nonsense that exists purely to appease record companies or the hard-headed individuals with something to prove. i'm sorry for the strong word choice, but really, what reason could you possibly have to listen to a song about little other than squeezing every known cuss word into a 3 minute rant as many times as possible? i'm open to a suggestion or reason if one exists. however, i have yet to come across one.

but on the other hand, you have poetry. a representation of a culture, a struggle, an emotion, a fight, a perseverance. rap that actually has a story to tell, or a meaning behind it, can really be a beautiful art form. while it may still have lyrics about gangs, about brutalities, and about objectification, those lyrics are only a fraction of a bigger picture. it can be a powerful statement about big issues in the world, spoken only as a brutally honest poet could.

just today i listened to a rap by a man who goes by the name of Immortal Technique. a friend told me, "this is one of the most moving things i've heard, you have to listen to the words." not being the greatest at recommending me music, i almost brushed it off, but i decided to listen carefully and i'm very grateful i did. the rap was titled "Dance with the Devil," and i don't even have words for it. parts of it were shocking, most of it was awful and saddening...but not all beautiful things are happy. i can't say i recommend him yet, because i haven't done much research on him, or listened to much more of his music. but i would say i've been encouraged to view the style of rap in a different light, and not group it all under the same heading as some of the more trashy and mainstreamed rap.

"So when the devil wants to dance with you, you better say never

Because the dance with the devil might last you forever."

Looking for the Good Words

"pretty much, you were given a dictionary of bad words, and you'd like to think that there are good words out there...so you believe that there are. so you are trying to learn them."

i cried today.

today i stood up for myself and told a boy what my limits were and that they weren't going to change. instead of feeling empowered and satisfied with myself, i felt confused and scared and lost. i didn't get it. i knew that i'd done the right thing, but i felt so contradicted and i wasn't understanding why.

but i thought about it. and i realized that it had absolutely nothing to do with my decision to stick to my morals and everything to do with what i've experienced after sticking to my morals in the past. i'm so accustomed to having a guy say nice things to you, you telling him you're only willing to go so far, and then him taking off. you realize he meant nothing and was just using you to get what he wanted.

so i got scared. i worried that everything this boy had said to me was a lie, just like the other ones, and now that i'd told him he'd only get so far...he would bail just like the other ones. i was prematurely prepping myself for what i felt was the inevitable. i've been working on not overthinking, and not stressing, and not getting attached...but some things are more ingrained than others and are thus harder to just get rid of. this feeling being one of those things.

however, upon telling him my fears and how i was feeling (once i was able to figure it out enough to put into words)...i got something that was far from the inevitable i was expecting. i got reassurance. i got sympathy. and i got comfort. three things i've been taught not to expect, and from those i encountered and overwhelming sense of relief.

and that is why i cried.

i have issues. i'm not trusting, i am fearful, and i'm very far from perfect. but if you give me a reason to try, i promise i will. i'm learning...but i have to find someone who is willing to stick with me through it before i can make any progress.

judgement

human beings do a lot of judging. if you really stop to sit and think about it, you'll realize how often it happens...at least that's what i've been doing this week.

i get really aggravated when i hear others getting huffy about how what something someone else did interfered with their life plans. not only should you not let other people affect your life to that degree, but how do you know what is happening in their life?

for example, it's spring break and your a friend of yours is supposed to go on a road trip with you. last minute she cancels and tells you she'll be going home instead. sure it's a bummer, but who are you to say "oh my gosh, i've had this planned for weeks and this person just ruined everything for me. i can't believe they would do that to me." what if it's not about you? because the chances are high that it isn't. they have no requirement to tell you their life story or explain themselves and their decisions to you. sure, you have the right to react in such a manner, you have the right to a lot of things...but that doesn't necessarily mean they are RIGHT.

i'm guilty of this too, but now that i've realized it, now that i'm conscious of it, i can see it when i do it and i can work on fixing it. i also see it in people's conversations far more often now that i've acknowledged what a prevalent thing it is among people. it's always irked me when people pass judgements on people that I know the whole story about, whereas they do not. but now i realize its happening all the time, regardless of whether or not i know the third party.

what would it be like if more people were conscious of this? maybe people would be nicer, that'd be a good start.

"Never judge a man's actions before you know his motives."

An Optimistic Pessimist

is that allowed? is it possible to be both at the same time? well, not really at the same time, but to possess both entities in a single self?

a friend of mine once told me the biggest difference between the two of us was that i looked for so much good in the world that tries so hard to prove me wrong, that i had faith in the positive aspects of things despite the levels of negativity i encounter, and that i would never for settle something as just being "bad." which i find to be true - whenever a friend is sad or mad or upset over something, I always think in my head, "how can I make them feel better about the situation?" and thus, i pull out what i find to be the positive aspects. the problem is, not everyone sees the world in that light. it's mentally trying for me to try and help someone when they don't hold the same "positive outlook" that i do...it makes me sad; i feel like i can't help them when i know that i should be able to.

but maybe i should learn how to take my own advice. because while i may be wonderful at being optimistic for other people, i'm am a terribly pessimistic person in terms of myself. it's interesting to be that way. because so often i can look at my situation from an outside perspective and say, "well, if this were a friend of mine, i would tell them to do this. or i would try and help them in this way." but i'm very bad at listening to myself, and i have a lot of self-doubt. i'm working on it, i'm getting better. and maybe, if i was truly a more optimistic person to my core, it would reflect more on the outside.

i do love finding beauty in the world. i live to discover the little surprises that come when least expected. seeing others smile and be happy brings me joy. but maybe its time i start finding some beauty in myself, acknowledging those little surprise, and finding joy in my own smiles...and then maybe i won't always feel like such a hypocrite.

and please excuse the downer themes of my last few posts, i don't mean to sound like my life sucks. it's really quite wonderful, but often my thoughts come across this way, especially when they aren't all the way thought out yet. i have my struggles and i have my worries, but life is good and i'm grateful. as midterm/paper weeks wind down a little, i'll have some more time to myself to think some of these things through more. bear with me! :)

Self, Meet Self?

can you ever feel something changing in yourself, but not be able to really pinpoint it? like something just feels different, but you can feel it before you can actually name what it is? that's where i am right now, and i can't say i'm a particularly huge fan of it.

something about being here at school really turns my brain around, and I don't know what it is. I don't feel like a different person at school than i do at home, but i feel like i feel more when i'm at school. or maybe i just notice it more. after all, i do spend more time alone here, so i get to reflect more on my thoughts and the way i am. i can't quite say i'm comfortable with just me and myself yet. my own way of thinking, and sometimes behaving in response to external events still has the power to surprise me.

i'm learning and i'm always changing and growing; don't let me convince you that i'm stagnant in my unfamiliarity with myself. i think i just feel like i should know myself better by now, you know?

So here's the thing...

i feel like i know how i should be in a lot of ways. i know what i consider the "right" way, and what i consider the "best" way to be in terms of most situations. but just because i know how i should be, doesn't mean i am that way. i'm always working towards being the ideal way, but it's not an easy task, you know?

for example, not that it's been something thats on my mind a lot lately or anything, i know that love is something you cannot go searching for. the harder you look the harder it's going to be to find it. love is a spontaneous thing that shows up when you least expect it; it is not forced nor is it timely. as a friend of mine just recently said, "we just have to have an ounce of faith that [it] will, someday, happen." i know this.

this i know is how i should be. but how am i? i'm impatient, i'm lonely, i'm scared, and i'm emotional. those aren't always bad things...impatience gives me drive, loneliness allows me to be alone, fear keeps me alert, and i'd always choose being emotional over being emotionless. but impatience also makes me tire quickly from waiting, loneliness makes me withdraw, fear can hold me back, and being emotional makes it so hard to sometimes just BE.

this is how i am. i'm tired of waiting for love, or even just infatuation. how many times do you have to get hurt before something works out in your favor? i'm insecure and i have big doubts and i can almost guarantee that those are getting in the way of any progress in this aspect of my life.

i'm trying really hard to hold on to my ounce of faith. some days it wiggles and it fights and it tries so hard to leave me and i almost give in...but then i grab on to it with both hands until it settles down again, until the next attempt at jailbreak.

this i promise you

"If anyone should ask me to give a reason why

I loved my friend, there could only be one answer:

'Because he was he, and I was I.'"

you get left. you get abandoned. you get heart-broken, and soul-broken and mind-broken. your world is shattered and your little faith is floating farther and farther away from you. you feel alone. she broke her promise and she destroyed you and now what do you do?

you do the same thing to me. you push me out of your life. the only boy i've been able to fully trust in years, and you do the same thing to me that they all did. but it's different with you. you can hurt me, you can shove me out of your life - but i made you a promise that i am going to keep. i told you that I would never leave you. i told you that I would always be here for you. i told you that even if you tried to push me away I wouldn't go without a fight. you don't believe my promises now because of what she did, but giving up, i would just be proving myself to be like everyone else in your life. but i'm not like that.

so even though i'm feeling lost. even though i feel that i've been robbed by someone else's broken promise. even though i have days where i feel my foundation has been absolutely shaken and i'm scared to fall to pieces, i will always check my computer in the morning to make sure you've logged on to something, anything; to verify that you are still there and you are still breathing. i will not stop thinking about you or praying for you, or telling you that i love you and miss you. i'm going to keep messaging you and telling you that over and over because even if you don't write back, i know you are hearing it. and if you can know that there is still even one person in this world who has faith in you, even when you've lost all faith in yourself...maybe it might be enough to make a difference.

i promise to be your best friend, whether or not you continue to try and be mine. i will always care for you, i will always worry about you, and i will always be here for you if you ever do decide you want to talk.

"My friend, if I could give you one thing, I would wish for you

the ability to see yourself as [I] see you.

Then you would realize what a truly special person you are."

-B.A. Billingsley

Safe Zone

i'm training to be an ally at my school for underrepresented groups on campus...it's a branch off of the counseling department and i've been really excited about it for the past couple of weeks. but the training couldn't have been on a worse day. after the longest night of my life and running on a whole two hours of sleep, emotions were running high and i wasn't fully prepared for what i was about to encounter for the next four hours of my life.

it was pretty long, but interesting for the first three hours. then, we had to do this "activity" that they prepped us for by pretty much stating "this is intended to bring out emotion in you. if it's too much, you may leave the room for the remainder of the activity, but we would like you to try and stick it out if you can." great.

we had 16 squares of paper. on four, we were to write the names of four important people in our lives - mom, dad, nikko, emily - and put them in a pile. the next set of four were 4 roles we had as individuals - daughter, best friend, student, lifeguard. set number three was 4 material possessions that meant the most to us - computer, phone, navy bear, blanket. and the final pile was 4 activities that we do - studying, lifeguarding, helping others, and working out.

the people were a piece of cake for me to write down, but as i wrote them i had an ominous feeling about where this was leading - and if i was correct, it wasn't going to be a good ending to my night. roles and activities were pretty easy, but i had a really hard time thinking of materials. which i feel is typical of the person i consider myself to be; computer and phone were the last ones i added, on the basis that they are a means of communicating with people.

then we were ready to begin the actual exercise.

round #1 - sometimes you have complete control over what you lose in your life. choose one card from each pile, crumple it up and throw it into the middle of the room. that no longer exists in your life. out goes emily, lifeguard, blanket, and working out. my thoughts - "damn it, here it goes..."

round #2 - sometimes you only have a degree of control over what happens in your life. turn the piles over and pick a card at random from each deck, then crumple it up and throw it in the middle of the room. that no longer exists in your life. there goes dad, daughter, navy bear, lifeguarding. my thoughts - "i can't believe how real this feels. i don't want to go to round three." it was surprisingly realistic...turning the cards back over and finding out i'd thrown my dad into the center. i didn't really care about the other piles...only the one with the people. i could feel a surge of emotion...but most of it was centered around the two person cards i had left and what was about to happen.

round #3 - other times, you have absolutely no control over what happens in your life; it's out of your hands. you have no role in this round, rather the instructors will come around and take cards at random. those things no longer exist in your life. finally goes computer, mom, and nikko. my thoughts, "i don't want to be here anymore. nothing i have left has any importance to me." i lost it. i cried, it brings tears to my eyes recounting the feeling as i type. when you're already worried for someone's life...and you play a game where they are even symbolically taken from you, it doesn't leave you feeling even remotely ok.

i was left with my role as a best friend - but my best friend was gone. i was left with my role as a student and my activity of studying, but who cares when the big people you had to live for aren't there to support you anymore? my phone was still in my possessions...a phone that i use to communicate with the people who are far away from me who were no longer in existence in my life. helping others was still there, and I could still do that, but at the point...i would be the one desperately in need of help.

i don't ever want to feel what i felt that night. ever.

*sorry it's off-centered. i'm feeling too lethargic to figure out how to fix it, so you can just click on it if you really care that much. =P

declutter and shape-up!

that's what i'm making my brain do this weekend. i came home for a little mental holiday. i still have been working on homework like a mad woman, but i needed some peace and quiet and the opportunity to sort out some internal conflicts and reassess my attitude. i don't know how much progress i've made, but its nice to be laying in a big bed, my kitty sleeping at my feet, enjoying my new found love of OneRepublic, and not having to worry about waking up to an alarm in the morning.

i was guarding during a water polo tournament yesterday, and a group of special needs students from Cal Lu came to support our boys during the first game. they've been on my mind ever since - on breaks the announcer would play music and half of the group would dance with complete disregard for anyone who was watching. how beautiful to just be you and do what makes you smile - they sure made me smile. what a glorious thing it is to have even just a small moment of carefree being and experience such simple joy.

Pink spiders and douche bags

i really really dislike spiders...i would go so far as to say i most definitely have a mild phobia of them. they're so creepy and they bite and some of them are poisonous and really big...i just flat out don't like them. but i was wondering today, would i still be afraid of a spider if it turned fluffy and purple with pink hearts on it? or in less specific terms, if that spider's demeanor was different would i be ok sitting in a room with it watching it crawl across the wall?

the conclusion i reached was no, i wouldn't be ok with it. just because that spider looks different than it once did, it doesn't mean its no longer in its capabilities to internally be the creepy, crawly, gross thing that it was. just because its now fluffy and purple doesn't change the fact that it signifies fear to me and sends my body into full flight mode.

now although it wouldn't be out of character for me, i'm not really writing this blog about spiders. of course there is some outlandish symbolism in the spider and his outward appearance. but first you'll need some background...

i go to school with this guy who did some pretty bad damage to my relatively insecure and lost self last fall semester. given, it is partly my fault for having such a lack of judgement and weak morale at the time...but i've come a long way from there. but i REFUSE to take all the blame for the situation and the way it turned out. he took advantage of the point i was at in my life and used it to his benefit, leaving me more empty and alone than i had ever felt in my entire life. as i regained strength after the bulk of the ordeal, he continued to fight his way into my life like a weed that you simply cannot destroy. finally after being more curt and openly disgusted with him than i would ever like to be with anyone ever again...he sort of got the picture. at least it seems that way.

so anyway, said guy came up in conversation with one of my guy friends over dinner tonight. he tried to tell me that i should "give the guy some credit" because he is "trying to make changes in his life" by attending youth groups and campus religious activities, and that he may have learned from his mistakes. and you know what, good for him. i'm glad he's trying to make some changes because God knows he needed some. but i owe no amount of credit to that boy. sure i've forgiven and moved on, but it would be stupid of me to forget what he did. sure maybe he's soft and fluffy on the outside (no pun intended) now, just like the spider could be...but for my own sake i'm not going to pretend the old him never existed...the creepy, crawly, and gross him.

congratulations on the attempts at change, but i'm not stupid. enjoy your new life, but don't involve me in it. same goes for you spiders...not a fan!

Simple as Salt

"The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea." - Isak Dinesen

I wouldn't say "cure," maybe "temporary relief." like ibuprofen is the temporary relief for aches and pains and can be considered a "cure," as long as taken every four hours, these three salty entities can temporarily fix issues - particularly those that are emotional.

have you ever craved the beach? the sand, the breeze, the waves, the ocean, the scent and sound? maybe it's more vivid for me because that's where i've been blessed to grow up. but when i need to go somewhere to think, and think hard...i go to the beach. and somehow, the peacefulness of it all fills me up and pushes out whatever demons i may be dealing with...at least for the time that i'm there and the few short hours that the feeling lingers after i leave.

usually when i lose that peace, i turn to tears. sometimes there's nothing left to do other than let emotions take over and let your crying fill in when words are lost. and while a couple tears tumbling down cheeks don't mean anything less, the kind of crying i'm referring to is real, aching, heartbreaking crying that leaves you utterly exhausted and broken. once you get there, and you pour all that out...there's a "calm after the storm" period. usually. where you can sit in your despair and exhaustion, focused on just being.

from there, i workout. i don't remember when i turned into that person...the person who turns to fitness when life throws them for a loop. not to say i don't like to work out when everything's going great too, but it does become more of an importance when i'm feeling lost. Working out gives me something else to focus on...it gives my brain a break from the trauma and let's me just focus on pushing my body to fight through pain or desire to quit. maybe if i work on that, it will make me stronger on the inside too. the endorphins that follow let you keep that high for a few hours after too.

i've skipped the first one this time - just sweat and tears. i miss my ocean. i go back and forth...and right now, the tears just seem to be worse and the working out just seems to be wearing me out. i wish there really was a cure for hurt like this. but all of these things make life simpler, at least for a little while. and as long as i'm craving that simplicity...i will continue to rely on my temporary reliefs. unless something better comes along.

Selfishly Hurting

i'm afraid that i'm losing my best friend. and i can't stop it, or even slow it down.

it's like i can literally see our friendship plummeting head first into the ground.

i'm trying to help ease it along so that maybe the damage will be less, but i honestly don't know if i'm doing anything right.

for all i know, i could be making things worse.

i need a sign. i need some strength. this preoccupying thing isn't cutting it.

don't get me wrong, i'm so worried about him and all that he is struggling with internally. my last post still holds true. but i'm losing him. and i can't handle that. its not fair that she can destroy him, and then as a result of that, make me lose something that means the world to me too. he was my friend first...he saved me. you can't just let someone who's done that for you walk away. i don't want this hole in my heart again.

...and call me crazy, but didn't you once tell me you loved me? i'm sorry that that isn't enough...

Helpless

my heart is breaking. have you ever seen someone in so much pain, and wanted to help them with every fiber of your being, but known there was absolutely nothing you could do? what about when that someone is your best friend? next to be heart broken myself, i have never felt such an awful feeling. next to having your heart broken, i would say utter helplessness has got to be one of the worst experiences.

today i made two trips out to cal lu. i grocery shopped with my dad. i visited people i hadn't seen in three months. i unpacked and set up my whole room. physically, i was busy and all over the place. mentally...my brain was in one place. all i want to do is sit down and cry for all that i've heard, and all that i know i am incapable of fixing. to hear your best friend say things that you would dread to hear even from a stranger, that could shake you to your very core...how do i just go on with my day feeling that gnawing inside of me? i'm scared. i'm scared for him. i've never prayed so hard in my life.

i want to be with him. i wish i could wake up and be in DC to at least be there for him in a physical sense, to hug, to talk to face to face, and to be more of a comfort than a voice over a phone line from thousands of miles away. prior to today i had so much on my mind, good and bad...but i don't even remember what i was thinking 24 hours ago. i'm so worried, and i want to help so badly, but i don't know what i can do to help. all i can do is talk, and i don't think that's working. he's made so much growth and finally allowed himself to feel, and what does he get? this? i've never wanted some one to experience "good" and happiness and joy as much as i do with him, he deserves it.

my heart is breaking for him. something miraculous needs to happen...i can't stand to hear my best friend cry and not be able to save him.

Decisions, decisions

well. once again my mind is overcome with the burden of this huge decision that i've been toying with all summer. swimming. i'm scared of making the decision, but i know its one that i need to finalize; i can't just wait here in limbo because swim literally starts in a week.

i'm 85% sure of what i want to do, and its the little things that keep holding me back. i'm afraid of the outcomes of my decision. the sport at the school has introduced me to so many great people - i loved the coaching staff, i loved my teammates, and i really felt as if i was part of a family. i don't want to offend people and make them feel as if i didn't enjoy the time i spent there - it was a great experience and i won't ever forget the friends and the relationships i made there.

but my heart isn't in it anymore. i don't doubt that i will miss it, and the hardest part will be not being with my girls every day. but i need to step back to see if this sport is something i still love. i kind of compare it to an ex boyfriend. post-breakup is awful...an emotional roller coaster of high highs and low lows. then you move out of that stage, you heal and you accept that it's over. and then maybe, once you've been apart from that significant other, you discover one of two things - (1) you both find that you were meant to be together, that you are still in love, and you heal past wounds and reform a relationship, or (2) you realize you it just wasn't meant to be and you begin to look for something bigger and better to fill your life.

the only way i can get to that point is to take a step back and go through that process - but its difficult to knowingly admit yourself into such a vicious ordeal; to willingly submit to such heartbreak. it's scary, and i'm not going to lie, i am 100% terrified. not even just about whether or not i'm making the right decision, but if i'm going to know who i am without being a swimmer.

a wonderful friend of mine who has an outstanding way with words, wrote to me on this matter to try and give me some insight, as she has been in a similar situation. she said, "Swimming will always be in your blood, but it's your decision at what degree do you want it to define you and if you are brave enough to step out of the pool for a bit and explore what else is out there. The pool will always be there." it sounds obvious, but that's what i need to remember...the pool will always be there for me, no matter how long i leave it behind for.

i have other things i want to do that swimming puts limitations on. i don't want to miss out on opportunities because "i have to go to practice." i've turned down things for that reason more times in my short life than i would like to admit...sure some of those times were back when swim was still fun and i was glad to be going to practice. i don't want to miss opportunities to expand myself because i'm stuck in this one aspect. i want to grow.

and i suppose part of growing is facing fears and dealing with tough stuff such as this. i need to sit down and let my fingers type that email that is going to finalize how i will be spending my sophomore year. i need some strength.

Life as I love it

isn't it funny how three months ago, all i could post about was how excited i was for summer, and now i can't WAIT to go back to school?? five more days! :)

freedom. independence. companionship. education. here i come.

i grew up a lot mentally this summer. i grew into myself and became more comfortable with who i am and what i stand for. going back to school will be the true test of how strong i am in what i have discovered over the past few months. i hope that it sticks. i hope that when i am tested i am capable of holding my ground and can withstand the urge to shrink away. i pray that i will continue to grow and continue to travel successfully down this path that i have started forging. i hope, although i expect it to be difficult, that the bigger decisions i will be making this semester really are for the best and that i will eventually see that it was the right thing to do.

"The first step toward getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to say where you are."

Substance?

i've had a lot of time to blog, but i just haven't. i feel like there isn't a lot of substance to anything i would write at the moment. maybe that's a product of my brain deteriorating from being out of school for far too long...or maybe it's just a sign that i've finally had a couple weeks of pure enjoyment where i've just been happily occupied with other going-ons.

emily came to visit for a few days. we enjoyed all the benefits of ventura - beach, good food, the fair (dierks bentley!!)

nikko came home and i finally got to see him, if only for a day. thoughts and prayers are with him as he enters his second year at the naval academy.

shopping trips like crazy to get clothes and other necessities - yes, new school clothes are always a necessity.

the end of LA84 swim team - technically i still have a week left, but thats only with 15 of the 50 kids that I worked with every day this summer. it was bittersweet...those kids have pretty much been my life all summer, and its weird to think that this is probably the last time i will hold this coaching position...

and most importantly of course...I GO BACK TO CAL LU A WEEK FROM TOMORROW! :)

see, nothing of any depth. but sometimes, its ok to be that way i suppose. maybe once classes start it will give me something a little more intellectual to say.

today was the tomorrow i've been waiting for

all is right in the world.

that is the best way to describe how i feel right now. my best friend is HERE. i got to see him and hang out with him, and catch up, and argue with each other...it was like we never missed a beat.

i couldn't be happier. well i could, if he wasn't leaving so soon.

but this is BY FAR the best day of my summer.

isn't it funny how humans can form such bonds with each other? my psychology teacher used to always say "we are social beings, we are made to have human interaction." its just interesting how some of those interactions can turn into such a strong connection. what i have with this kid is rare, i have yet to find something as strong with anyone else. never have i been so quickly stirred up when hearing of someone insulting another person as I am when i hear that people are doing it about him. it literally makes me feel like i could punch a person, and as a typically nonviolent person, thats quite a big deal.

and after a summer of dealing with changes in so many relationships that i once thought i truly understood, it's really nice to see that not everything has changed. that the closest ones really do stick with you through it all.

C'mon, Tomorrow!

this will be the best week of my summer.

i do not work for the next three, count 'em, THREE days. hallelujah. my goal is to not do anything work related other than email parents back for the rest of this week. it's mental holiday time.

Emily's here! Finally! It's so great to have her here...not only is it fun catching up and going adventuring, BUT its making me even more excited for school. She leaves friday, and that makes me sad but it means i'll see her back at school in like, two weeks. =)

Tomorrow is August 11th. the day that i mentioned my excitement level in an earlier post as about 50. now...i'd say about 500000. he's home. finally. 8 months later and i get to give one of my closest friends a HUG, a real live hug and have face to face conversations. i'm not going to lie...i might cry. the happiest and most relieved tears i will have ever shed, but i might be able to keep it together just out of pure excitement.

Control

"Control is never achieved when sought after directly. It is the surprising outcome of letting go."

-James Arthur Ray

i've been getting a sense of how it feels to be in control of situations that directly effect me...and the different ways in which that control can be gained. the funny thing is, the true method of holding all control really is to just let go. let go of expectations, let go of what once was, and live in the here and now.

You can't control anyone or anything in this world except for yourself. You may think you can control your boyfriend, your dog, your friends, but they all are separate entities and can at any point go against what you are asking them to do. that doesn't mean they will, but they can. and when that happens, people generally feel a loss of control over that person....but did you really ever control them to begin with? or did they decide in their head, using their own controls, that obeying you is generally a good idea? i'd be willing to bet on the latter.

why get angry when the driver in front of you goes super slow and then you miss the greenlight? can you control how that person drives? can you control when the light changes? it'd be really cool if you could, but you can't. so whats the use in getting angry over that...it's beyond your control. in all actuality, that anger over something beyond your influence is really demonstrating a loss of control over yourself, not the perceived loss of control over that driver or that light.

for example. i have an ex-boyfriend. everything about the downhill spiral of our relationship was initiated by him, and for so long, i had this unfortunate attachment to everything he did, feeling that i was under his control because i was just so overcome with all these emotions toward him. slowly i began to learn to piece myself back together to the point where first i could just manage my own being, and recently i've realized, i'm now the one in the position of power. i've moved on, i've secured myself in who i am and what i stand for, i've completely changed my way of thinking by letting go of what is our past and focusing on where i am mentally right now. i can't control what he does...but i can control how i respond.

"You cannot always control circumstances, but you can control your own thoughts."

-Charles Popplestown

Reality Shocker

today was just one of those days.

tired. overwhelmed.

no...try stressed and exhausted.

if you woulda said the wrong thing to me today, i probably coulda burst into tears at the drop of a hat.

that kind of day.

i don't feel any better. in fact i probably feel worse. however, i have been straightened up and put back in line again. today i learned that the brother of a beautiful ten-year-old girl on my swim team died this last week. i received a simple note on the inside of my locker that instantly overwhelmed me with grief for her and her family and shamed me for dwelling on the negatives of my day. sometimes, things just really are unfair and there is no other way about it. so tonight, and every night for a while now, my thoughts and prayers are with her and her family.

To Swim...

...or not to swim.

while i'm sorting out the issues in my mind via this blog, i figure i might as well with this one too. especially since it's such a big conflict to me right now. and while i can talk to other people about it, no one can make the final decision but me. and i'm actually trying to not talk to a lot of other people about it because i don't want to be too heavily influenced by the position that others may hold.

i read this book a few years ago (i promise this is related) called The Last Summer of You and Me and i wrote down this passage from the book:

Some people lost their individuality in the water, but [she] always felt most herself. Water was supposed to symbolize renewal, she knew, but when [she] swam - pared down, alone, and unreachable - she felt a deeper sense of who she already was...

The repetitive motion of her limbs was a meditation, the stretch of her muscles a narcotic. She heard her breath and even her heart...

The regular things couldn't follow you here. You could escape the demands of the world. Even the demands you imposed on yourself seemed to recede and reorient underwater. You couldn't hear and you couldn't talk. Your ears were full but it was quiet...

The trouble with swimming was that eventually you had to come out. You had to dry off and put all your stuff back on. You had to become yourself again, or, in her case, less so. The demands were still there, waiting.

at the time i wrote this down, i was in love with my sport for what it was. i just loved being in the water and in effect, my own little world. but when i read that now, it saddens me because i don't feel that way about swimming anymore. in all actuality, when i look at it from the perspective that i am right now, its even worse - swimming (competitively, for school) has BECOME one of those demands that i used to go to a pool to escape.

it's hard to let go of something that has been a part of your life for so long. i'm seeing that in more than one aspect of my life this summer. but relationships with people and things and ideas are generally not static. as you change, so do your relationships and your feelings and your understandings of things. swimming has been all that i've known since i was eight years old...i'm on my way to being 20. that's 12 years of my life devoted to this sport. but i'm not the same girl that i was when i was 8, or 15, or even that i was just 6 months ago when i turned 19. and as i change, my relationship to swimming changes too...which is why it's no longer and easy decision to swim.

i can bounce back and forth between doing it and not doing it. i've made the lists of pros and cons. but the more i think it out and the more i try to analyze it, it always comes down to one question: is competitive swimming something i see myself doing for the rest of my life? and the answer is no. yes i will always love the water and it will always be a great escape for me and a wonderful option of working out that i have been blessed to experience. swimming in itself will always be there for me. but competitive swimming...? it's not something thats even close to being in my future goals for myself.

clearly, i'm leaning toward just saying no to it for this year. i want to focus on my classes. i want to work on becoming the best teacher that i can because that is going to be the career i have for the rest of my life. i want to get a job while i'm at school so i can continue to pay for my tuition. i want to workout on my own and how i want to. i want to spend time with my friends without worrying about how much sleep i'm going to get before the next morning practice. the basic facts are that if i'm swimming 9 or more practices a week, all of that stuff gets shoved aside and has to share the limelight with the 20+ hours a week i spend in the pool.

the only thing that holds me back is the thing that holds me back in everything. a hurdle i have yet to overcome. that is disappointment. the fear of the disappointment i may bring unto others - my coaches, my teammates, my parents - and the potential for disappointment i may bring on to myself. will i look back when i graduate and wish that i would have stuck it out and been a 4 year "Scholar Athlete"? will i be disappointed and look at myself as a quitter? will i be able to face the questions and the judgement others may pass once they hear of my decision? this is where i still have a lot of pondering left to do. this is the only thing that stands in my way from saying no.

and after all...if i take a year off...it doesn't mean i can't come back my junior year if i decide to, right?

"Most decisions are seat-of-the-pants judgements. You can create a rationale for anything. In the end, most decisions are based on intuition and faith."

let me let go

why is it that humans are capable of continually caring for something that has time and time again shown that it's not worthy of such dedication and emotion?

why is it that the heart and head can never just agree on what you should feel and think. why can't they just let me let go?

i'm not sure which has let go already. my heart or my head. maybe they've both only let go partially. either way, it's not enough. but i've been starting to acknowledge that maybe this time its my head thats getting in the way, not my heart.

my heart is ready to move on, i really do believe. my head is the only thing standing in my way. i'm hanging on to memories and "used-to-be's" and "what if's" when in reality, none of that will do me any good. i need to let it go mentally. but i just can't help but care. i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

i feel like i know what i need to do. but its a Big. Freaking. Deal. i haven't even verbalized it yet, because its such a scary thought to me. i can't wrap my brain around it yet, it's so intimidating and uncomfortable to think about. but maybe it's just time.

Maybe you and me got lost somewhere

We can't move on or we can't stay here

Well maybe we've just had enough

Well maybe we ain't meant for this love.

-Mockingbird, Rob Thomas

Love Yourself

"...just be patient. Enjoy Court for a while, and I guarantee you will find someone who will just not be able to refrain from you, who would not dream of hurting you, and will make you feel how you should ever day."

Enjoy Court for a while. i count that as one of the top pieces of advice i have ever received in my life. as simple as it sounds...a statement that anyone could have made, sometimes you really just need to hear someone say it for it to finally click. or sometimes, it takes the right person to say it to you for it to actually mean something, or a particular context. whatever it may be, people can preach it to you until they're blue in the face, but you have to be in a certain place before you can truly comprehend what they are saying to you.

you have to learn how to like being you, and how to like being around yourself before you can expect to feel completed by another person. in fact, "completed" isn't even the right word. you need to feel completed as just being you and then adding that someone else is like the cherry on top. if you aren't comfortable in your own skin, if you don't love yourself and enjoy being the person that you are, it will be reflected in your relationships with other people (whether you consciously acknowledge it or not). you need to be complete on your own before you can extend a part of yourself to someone else.

by no means have i mastered this. but i'd say i've come a long way from the time that i received that advice. it's a daily struggle...you have to renovate the way you think, the way you see yourself, and the way you relate to the rest of the world. learning yourself, gaining confidence, and being comfortable in your own skin is one of the hardest things to achieve if it isn't something you naturally possess. the progress is slow. you don't really notice a change until you look back after a period of time. but such is the way of most things in life, right? but i promise, it's one of the best feelings when you realize you've begun making that change for the better.

just enjoy YOU.

Is it August yet??

I've had a lot on my mind lately...i don't know why it all popped into my head this week, but suddenly its felt like everything i've ever had to think about has declared its urgency...so there they all are, spinning and twirling around in my head. personal stuff, worldy stuff, social stuff...maybe i'll sort it out eventually and be able to write about it. but as of this day, its entirely impossible!

my best friend is coming home in less than two weeks from all his naval academy adventures. i haven't seen him since december! i would try to explain to you my level of excitement, but there are no real words for it - only some incoherent gibberish with some high pitched shrieking mixed in followed by a crap-ton of smiley faces that look like this ":D :D :D :D" with about...oh...8,000 exclamation marks. do you get it? haha.

so i'd say thats been a major thought consuming my brain lately, its like every day he gets closer to being home, my excitement level gets a little higher and the anticipation level grows a little bigger. i just can't wait to see him sitting right in front of me, not through a computer screen, but really RIGHT there. having a face to face conversation, not through facebook or the phone...a REAL live conversation! he'll only be here for like five days, i may only see him once or twice before i have to say bye again...but thats enough to hold me over till christmas. :)

excitement level on a scale of 1-10 -----> 50.

Do your duty

i was driving down telegraph on my way to the grocery store, and there was an older lady walking on the sidewalk where i normally ride my bike.

in one hand, she carried a bucket.

in the other, she had a trash-picker-upper.

taking her time, walking slowly along the path as people in their cars, bikers, runners, and even walkers passed her by, she was picking up all the trash she found.

thank you lady, for doing your part to make a difference. it made me smile. =)

I'm alive!

...but barely. sleeping and eating have sort of been taking a back seat with working and pet-sitting this week, unfortunately - those are two of my favorite things!

it's weird how i seem to be sleeping less during the summer than i did while at school; but such is the life of a college student. i can't wait to go back...and not just for the sleep. i miss my friends, i miss my freedom...heck, i'm even missing going to class and using my brain!

*****

anywho...i've been thinking today about how much time people spend complaining. it's funny how no matter how great of a time you have, there's always something that people can find to nit-pick and whine about or be unhappy about. i do it, i listen to people do it, and i hear all about other people doing it.

i know that it's important to never be truly satisfied - a swim coach of mine once taught me that and i've never forgotten it: "You can be happy with something, but don't EVER be satisfied." But just because we shouldn't ever be satisfied, does that mean we really have to complain about all the reasons we aren't? can't we just be happy? or is that too far outside of human nature?

i suppose that in a way, complaining could be a good thing...given that it is not over-used. it possesses a degree of creativity, because in a way, by complaining you are pointing out something that isn't the way you would have wished. but what makes it or breaks it is whether or not you are willing to take action to change that to a way that is more acceptable to your standards. if you merely complain but fail to do anything to alter it for the next time, i think that you kind of lose your right to complain about it. it's all in the attitude behind your complaining i guess.

so what if everyone made a conscious effort to complain less, and act and work for betterment more...especially here in the United States where we take so much for granted? i think it would make us a more optimistic people. maybe more grateful. and even more observant, if we stop and think about things and how WE could change them before we open our mouths to complain about it.

Interesting way to think about it...

looking at something ordinary in an extraordinary way. =)

Not a lack of wanting to write...

but a lack of time! the sunshine finally came out this last week, and any time i was NOT at work, i was at the beach...finally! four out of the last five afternoons were spent laying on the sand, tossing a frisbee, and dodging waves in a week's worth of the most perfect summer weather. it was wonderful.

funny how a change in weather is all it really takes to turn your attitude around and to fix your mindset. a week before this, it was rainy, cloudy, and cold (oh, good old Southern California) and let's just say my mind had taken a parallel to that yucky-ness.

but blue skies, sun, and temperatures in the 70s/80s have made me actually feel like i'm having a summer vacation and reminded me why, even though i absolutely LOVE college, i am blessed and excited to call Ventura "home." And i'm ready to get ready to go back to school, but in a positive light this time. =)

Quotable Kids (part one of many)

i deal with kids EVERY DAY during the summer...but "deal with" has a negative connotation, so i should probably rephrase that. i have the privilege of working with kids every day during the summer. between coaching, teach, guarding, and babysitting, i probably see more 12 and unders in a day than i do my own peers. and i definitely am not complaining. =)

Art Linkletter and Bill Cosby had the right idea...kids really do say the funniest things! i cannot count the number of times i have cracked up over something that comes out of their mouths...

yesterday afternoon i babysat Brynn and Chase again. now, everything Chase says is funny because they aren't really real words yet, but the accompanying expressions are priceless! While sitting on the couch, Brynn was playing doctor to a scrape on my finger, and the bandaid that i had on it was different than the ones she was used to:

Brynn: "How is it like that, Teacher Courtney?"

Me: "Why is my bandaid like that, you mean?"

Brynn: (eyes pop open wide, whispering) "You can't say 'why' a lot because...then you turn into a Y!!"

Me: (stifling laughter) "How come you turn into a Y?!"

Brynn: "Because...you just turn into a Y! And you like being Teacher Courtney, right?"

Me: "Yes I do. And I like you being Brynn."

conversation turns back to my hurt finger and taking its "blood pleshur," but i was still giggling to myself. sounds like Dad tricked a gullible Brynn out of asking "why" over and over...I'll have to remember that one. =P

hunger

today, i sat in the guard room between rotations with a few other girls from work. all really nice girls, so i'm not here to shit-talk them for something they said. but again, it was just a little conversation that got me thinking.

they were talking about how much they hate going to bed on an empty stomach, how awful it is to try and fall asleep when you are hungry, how when they are in this situation they run to Jack-in-the-Box or make a quick snack in the kitchen. normal conversation right?

maybe its because of major themes of all the books i've been reading, but my mind immediately shouts, "well lucky for you, because there are loads of people in this city, this country, this world, who go to bed with that feeling every night, and unfortunately many of them can't solve that problem as easily as you can!" thank gosh for the skill of thinking before speaking. but seriously.

its so easy for people to take advantage of what we take as normalcy in every day life. a family may go days without eating, while we complain after a few hours about how "starving" we are. we whine that we hate going to work when other people are struggling to even find a job. we ramble on about how bored we are when we're stuck at home for the night, when in reality we should be thankful we have a safe place to call home.

now, i'm not claiming that i don't ever take things for granted in my life. i do - far too often. but i am becoming aware of the fact that i do, thus it is something i am working to improve

Welcoming a Simple Day

i'd say i was productive today, but it wasn't a stressful kind of productive. it was a nice and easy, progressive sort of productive. thank gosh, especially after the chaos that was yesterday, centered around my munchkin's first inter-squad swim meet (SO cute, but SO crazy).

5 hours of work in before 12:30.

a phone call to brighten my day.

a freaking BOMB brownie sundae.

a greatly needed and appreciated nap.

a clean room.

a written down and organized schedule for the next two weeks.

tom petty and the heartbreakers serenading me as i write.

plans to hang out with trevor tonight.

i feel peaceful. i'm ok with not really doing anything wild and crazy. to find joy and happiness in small things. even though i'm exhausted still from yesterday and literally feel like i could pass out cold at any moment, i'm still content.

speaking of content...somewhere on this world wide web today, i saw a question that was asked to someone: "Are you content?" their response? "With what?" i don't know why that caught my eye (a general trend, some things just do), but i thought about it a little. to me, content is a general expression of emotion - sure it can be applied to something direct like "are you content with the way this happened?" BUT i associate contentedness with life as a whole; if someone asked me that question, i would automatically think of it in such broad terms. by answering "with what?" however, i feel that you are insinuating that there are aspects of life you are not content with, so therefore you are not content as a whole. so maybe, because i am content with life, that is why i think of it in the grander scheme. is that weird? this may be one of those things that just makes more sense in my head...

oh well!

this is not okay

its raining.

in july.

i want my summer.

>:/

Happy Fourth!

"If there is ever a tomorrow that we're not together..there is something you must always remember. You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart...I will always be with you."

Happy Fourth of July to everyone, and a HUGE thank you to all the servicemen in the history, present, and future of our country. It is because of you that I am privileged to live the free and blessed life that I do.

Knowing people in the military has opened my eyes to an entirely new way of thinking, and it has given me a better appreciation for such people. It gives me a lot more to be grateful for on a day such as today, besides fireworks, BBQs, and friends. It is a bummer though that so many American's reserve their patriotism and their gratitude just for this day...we shouldn't need a holiday to give us a reason to express that.

Thank you poohad for everything you have done, everything you do, and all the dreams and wishes you hope to fulfill. I'm proud of you every day. Miss you.

Grown-up Weekend

i have to say, i don't know if i could ever get accustomed to living (happily) by myself. it's terribly lonesome.

i've been house sitting for the past couple days, which has given me the opportunity to think about this sort of thing. i'm in a house that i'm familiar with, only normally it is buzzing with activity - being that it belongs to a family of 7 people, a dog, and a cat. so maybe its a combination of that, and never having to have really been anywhere completely on my own...but i'm not too fond of the solitary lifestyle. at this point in my life, i couldn't imagine living without my family or roommates. it would just be too weird.

on the plus side, it does give you a lot of time to think and reflect, but i've been doing enough of that on my own lately at my own house. being here completely alone (minus the dog, who judging by his whining is very lonely too) was definitely an over-dose on the "me" time. it crossed over from a healthy level of personal reflection to an overthinking and a tormenting amount of analysis. needless to say, i think i'll be spending the night back at home tonight. i'm not ready to be THAT much of a grown-up!

Wish I May, Wish I Might

today i walked out of the guard room on my way to rotate to the competition pool, and when i looked up at the sky, there was a single bright star visible, just outside the last reaching rays of the sunset.

going back to my Pinocchio, Disney-watching, little kid roots, I closed my eyes and made a wish. obviously, everyone knows that if you tell your wish to people it won't come true. but i will give you a hint. it falls along the lines of this:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

day-to-day

not a lot of blogging recently, nothing really profound to say i suppose haha. i finally have a weekend off of work coming up, so maybe that will be an opportunity for some new adventures. i could use a little bit of spice to be added to my life!

i babysat the cutest little boy and girl yesterday - Brynn is 3 and Chase is 1, almost 2. we played on the grass by the pool while their parents got in some swim time. another family i'm familiar with that is around the pool showed up with Chloe and Olivia, two adopted little girls. Brynn saw them and said, "I want to go make friends!" and ran over and within seconds the girls were playing catch, leap-frog, and make-believe. (Chase tried to join in too, but boys weren't really allowed haha) i couldn't help but smile at the innocence and be so impressed by the lack of judgement and pure eagerness to just have someone new to play with. if only it could stay that way as we grow older.

today i'm ready to say good bye to June, and its gloom! come on, sunshine, where are you??