Wish I May, Wish I Might

today i walked out of the guard room on my way to rotate to the competition pool, and when i looked up at the sky, there was a single bright star visible, just outside the last reaching rays of the sunset.

going back to my Pinocchio, Disney-watching, little kid roots, I closed my eyes and made a wish. obviously, everyone knows that if you tell your wish to people it won't come true. but i will give you a hint. it falls along the lines of this:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

day-to-day

not a lot of blogging recently, nothing really profound to say i suppose haha. i finally have a weekend off of work coming up, so maybe that will be an opportunity for some new adventures. i could use a little bit of spice to be added to my life!

i babysat the cutest little boy and girl yesterday - Brynn is 3 and Chase is 1, almost 2. we played on the grass by the pool while their parents got in some swim time. another family i'm familiar with that is around the pool showed up with Chloe and Olivia, two adopted little girls. Brynn saw them and said, "I want to go make friends!" and ran over and within seconds the girls were playing catch, leap-frog, and make-believe. (Chase tried to join in too, but boys weren't really allowed haha) i couldn't help but smile at the innocence and be so impressed by the lack of judgement and pure eagerness to just have someone new to play with. if only it could stay that way as we grow older.

today i'm ready to say good bye to June, and its gloom! come on, sunshine, where are you??

Dear God...

thankyou thankyou thankyou! I do not consider myself a religious person, but i don't think i can thank anyone but the big guy upstairs for this one! i'm jittery, i can't type fast enough to keep up with my thoughts, i barely even can form words for what i want to say.

right as i lose hope, right as i hit another low point where the optimism gets hard to maintain, and i just feel upset about so much in life...when i feel a bit abandoned and alone...i get yet another reason to smile. another BIG reason. another reason that i'm not even supposed to know yet, but thank gosh i do.

i have a guardian angel. he told me once that i'm always wanted and i always belong somewhere and that is with him. and that this was true no matter how far away we were from each other. i believe him...but sometimes when i'm having a really hard time, the distance just makes it worse. but whenever i get to that level, like magic...he comes back. without fail.

as is the case again. at least i'm 99% sure. i can't even describe what emotion i'm feeling right now. but i could cry...out of relief, out of love, out of complete joy. i'm grateful to know that things are going to get better, and once again - i am going to be okay.

"You and your heart shouldn't feel so far apart."

this summer, i have an aversion to people.

i know that sounds terribly anti-social and potentially unhealthy, but the way i look at it, i think i need this. i need to take that step back socially, and i've been learning a lot in the process. its a summer of self-reflecting and learning some self-worth.

i feel that i get too easily and too quickly attached to people, and i easily define myself and my happiness in relation to those people. but i'm not the people that i'm attached to. i'm me. so, in a grammatically incorrect question, who is me? i'm figuring out how to define myself without the influences of said people. so far its been an interesting journey. i can't entirely describe it in words. i can only feel it. that's what i'm doing...feeling my way along. i suppose there's really no other way to go about it, really.

if i could peg down a specific thing to illustrate an aspect of what i lack the words to explain, it would be the recently-had conversation with ex-boyfriend. i gave him the choice: either he let me go and be ok with just being friends, or he make some sort of commitment. i'm not down for the wishy-washy, in between, back and forth business anymore. it was rather liberating if i'm being honest. i'm not used to standing up for myself like that, but its part of that "feeling my way along" thing. and with his final decision, no longer was i floating around after cutting ties, unsure of what to do next. my feet were planted, and I was standing back on solid ground. hallelujah.

i'm sorry to those who may feel that i'm uncaring. but i'm truly working to put in the effort with those i feel are doing the same for me. but if not...i have to let go. or maybe you have to let go of me. i'm not sure which way it should be phrased yet. i guess it kind of depends. but i'm learning to stand on my own two feet - its up to you if you want to be present to support me...but don't you dare hang around just to jolt me every once and a while and make me falter in my strength.

coaching

my most favorite part of working at the pool during the summer started yesterday - coaching the LA84 swim team. it's this aspect of my job that keeps me from getting burnt out, and keeps me coming back (not only day to day, but summer to summer as well). it's what really makes me be able to say, "i love my job."

its the kids and their spirit that really makes it a joy to come coach for that hour each day. so many of them are just excited to be there, ready to try their best, and ALWAYS smiling...it's hard not to want to be around that. it's a great feeling to watch a kid progress and struggle through-out a season, only to have that "light-bulb" moment at the end of season where everything suddenly makes sense. then they're practically and olympian. its crazy.

i wish that there were more programs like the LA84 program, or at least run the way we run ours. a big problem in club swimming is that coaches push their kids too hard to become that "next olympian" without letting them just develop through the sport on their own. with all that pushing, kids begin to push themselves too, sometimes to an unhealthy degree. before you know it, they stop having fun and experience a "burn-out," as they call it in the athlete world.

its so important for kids to have fun in the sport if you want it to have future success. not every child is capable of becoming and athletic prodigy. but if they like swimming, let them swim, and let them swim at a level they enjoy without feeling pressure to always be better than they already are.

expect some more posts in regard to this as the summer goes on. i'm always surprised and inspired by these 60 kids that i get to know over the next two months.

"What's your story?"

yesterday i was at simone's getting coffee with friends yesterday.

there was an older man sitting at a table diagonal to ours, and sitting on the table in front of an empty chair as he perused the newspaper was this:

i really wanted to just ask him what his story was.

to know what he'd done in his life, and what that flag meant to him.

i feel that with a lot of people. i guess its a part of my curiosity, but there's some people, and you can just look at them and think to yourself, that person has a story to tell. like the elderly and super-fit woman who comes to swim at my work, or the quiet man who swims every morning that never smiles - i want to know about their lives. it just interests me to hear what other people have experienced, while i feel i have experienced so little.

i'm a people watcher. but i also want to listen. i want to hear about the meaningful things people have done in their lives, at least until i can DO something or be apart of something of the likes myself.

Restlessly Waiting

this week i'm feeling super lethargic and unmotivated.

but still a little restless mixed in with that. its a confusing combination, and overall it just makes me feel a little bit too anxious.

i'm having a hard time getting myself to do anything, besides go to work.

but even this week, i'm putting off riding my bike, and asking for the car instead. i'm going out to do things with friends, and i definitely want to...but i'm doing it more because i need too. but in all honesty, i would much rather lay in bed and read. all day.

i'm a little bit put-off by some stuff too. said "stuff" can be quite discouraging and i think ends up deterring me from wanting to do other things. with some friends, i'm exhausted from being the one to put in all the effort, all the time. so i stop. but then, i feel like i end up not putting in the correct effort with the friends who don't do that either. its a very confusing thing.

i'm just at a very wishy-washy state right now. and i think i'm just waiting to see where i'm going to end up going next.

mentally that is.

Live, Laugh, and...

love is a really weird thing. its such a fluctuating idea. just when you think you've finally got it figured out, something happens and your entire perception of it is flipped on its metaphorical head. it just takes a new infatuation, a broken heart, or a mere observation of another relationship to alter what exactly you feel that you are looking for.

its also funny how different people's ideas of love are from your own...or the different ways they have of showing it.

talking up how great they're doing in order to try and make themselves look better in someone else's eyes...

working to make someone else jealous...or getting jealous themselves....

romantic words, actions, and gestures of affection...

pretending not to care. or pushing the other away...

its one thing to recognize those things and point themselves out to someone else. but when self-involved, its so much easier to do those things or not see them as acts of love, in order to protect yourself.

i need to work on that. i need to understand that things change. i need to be ok with the way relationships evolve and decline or come together. when my ex-boyfriend comes to work with a fucking hickey from some other girl...i need to be okay with that and move on and be secure in the thought that i am DONE with that and am ready for something better. but i'm not perfect...so i'll be working on that.

personally, my idea of love has matured a lot in a way that seems like it was overnight. i know what i would like in a future relationship. but i'm not really looking...stuff like this usually happens when you least expect it, or when you aren't really trying to force it. so for now, i will be living patiently.

The Lemon Tree In My Backyard

i live in a really old house. it used to be my grandma's house. my mom grew up here for her entire life, but after i was born we moved away. but monthly, through-out my entire childhood, until we finally moved here for good when i was eleven, i came here to spend time with my grandma...my nana. so, i pretty much consider this house to be a place i grew up too.

there's a lemon tree out in the backyard. it used to be HUGE and full of lemons. those lemons would be used in cooking, shared with neighbors, and sliced up for the perfect addition to a glass of iced tea. every time one was in the kitchen, i would beg and beg to have a slice to bite into, loving the taste even though it made my mouth pucker up. i also remember being scolded, told i couldn't play in that corner of the yard because of all the thorns.

for the past few years, as the lemon tree grew older and produced less lemons, attempts were made to cut it down - less hassle when taking care of the backyard, no more thorns, less little animals creeping it in the back yard.... but every time that tree got cut down, it would start growing again. but every time, it looked a little less alive than it had before. it actually started to look defeated.

now, if you look at the trunk of the tree, it looks like this:

it's gray, mangled, and rather dead looking. like a tree that has had a long life, but has finally surrendered to the cycle of life. but...if you look up to the right, you'll see this:

beautiful green leaves, and GIGANTIC lemons shooting out, just out of that upper right side! the tree won't give up. and yeah, i know, big effing deal...it's a tree. but you know what, i think that's a trait to be admired. no matter how many times people try to get rid of it, or shut it down, it has the resilience to continue to grow and prove that it is stronger than you think it is. it still has life left in it, and although it cannot grow with the vigor it once did, it puts every ounce of effort into that small section of life it still has. it won't go down with out a fight.

thank you lemon tree, for a metaphoric life lesson. you can be my favorite tree if you want. =)

"I am too positive to be doubtful,

too optimistic to be fearful,

and too determined to be defeated."

Busy Bee!

nothing too interesting going on in my life lately. interesting thoughts here and there, but i'm mostly just keeping busy with WORK.

work. work. work.

i don't mind it though, it keeps me busy. it gives me a reason to be active. it pays. <- thats the real big one, haha. =)

it feels like when i'm not teaching or guarding at the pool, i'm babysitting. if i'm not babysitting, i'm doing some form of working out. if i'm not working out, i'm reading. and then i occasionally hang out with the few people i've kept close ties with here.

again, not like I mind. i'm okay with having a lot of "me" time. i think that it's going to end up being beneficial. a friend of mine once told me to "just be patient and enjoy Court for awhile." that's what i'm doing. and it's coming along quite nicely, i'd say!

"Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure that you are. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow." -Mary Jean Irion

Read This.

i highly recommend that everyone who lives in this country read this book.

whether or not you agree with specific parts of the book is besides the point. as a whole, it provides various points that Americans need to understand and take into consideration, especially post 9/ll.

for example:

the majority of Americans take a lot of what this country provides us for granted. many other countries, in this case, Pakistan would be blessed to be provided with even a fraction of what we all take to be the norm in our sheltered lives - fresh water, school, plumbing systems...

education is key and ignorance is the main cause to so much worldly conflict that exists. so often kids complain about going to school every day when there are children in other countries who never have the chance to get that schooling, or who will go out and sit on the ground and educate themselves in the middle of winter because they are just so eager to learn - girls and women in particular. a major theme of the whole book is how Afghanis and Pakastanis get frustrated with the Americans over fighting the war because they feel that if we would have helped them in their pleas to educate their children...they wouldn't be so ignorant and the problems wouldn't have escaladed to where they are now. it's an interesting concept that i cannot do justice in a mere summary.

do not ever think that because you are one person and you do not have much that you cannot make a difference in the world. Greg Mortenson struggled his through-out his young adulthood to make ends meet and to find generosity in Americans to help his cause. but his passion and his dedication payed off. it takes a single person to get a ball rolling that can ultimately change the world.

"It is the greatest of all mistakes to do nothing because you can do little. Do what you can."

- Sydney Smith

not all people of the Middle East and the Muslim world are terrorists. many Americans struggle when it comes to stereotyping - they do it far too often. the Taliban and Al-Qaeda are a small fraction of the Muslim community. reading this book shows you how much the people of the region suffer under the unfair reign in their countries, and show them to be some of the most kind-hearted, misunderstood people in this world.

my favorite part of the whole book is when Mortenson returns to speak with one of the first female graduates of one of his schools, the granddaughter of one of his earliest mentors. When asked what she was going to do now that she had gotten her degree to be a health worker, she said she didn't just want to stop there, but that she wanted to be a "Superlady." In the context of her entire speech and the knowledge of where she had come from and what culture she was raised in...it gave me goosebumps.

i promise, if you read this...you won't regret it. it will make you think a lot, and its definitely not a quick read. but it is very very worth it.