To try? Or not to try?

I was thinking today...I seem to do better at things when I think about them less; when I'm not actually trying really hard to do them. Like when I wrote about how getting a job has come so easily for me; I've never had to go out and work for it, it just happens. But it's almost inevitable that if I had to go look for a job, it would probably be much harder.

It's like when you lose something. You panic and you look for it and you're searching and you can't find it no matter where you look. Shortly after you give up and stop frantically tearing everything apart, it just seems to show up out of thin air and presents itself to you. Like "poof!"

Maybe if I "try" a little less and just "do" a little more, things might be easier. It used to make me so mad when I'd say I'd try something and people would say, "No, just do it!" But now I think I get it. Like, when I calm down, tell my brain to be quiet and just go with the flow a little more, things just automatically get easier. Call me crazy, but I think I'm onto something here...

It is time

This is me. This post is a promise to myself that I'm going to work on my self-confidence, that I'm going to look past my imperfections and my flaws and realize that I can love myself just the way I am. It's never been easy for me to do that. I don't expect it to be any easier now. But how can I expect someone else to love me, or expect to love someone else, if I can't love myself first?

I'm back at school, and I think I'm at a spot in my life where things are going really well for me for the most part. I feel good about the way I'm living my life, and I think that is the first step in this process. I'm ready to stop saying I'm moving forward and actually start moving forward. I've always said that actions speak louder than words, but I have failed to put that into effect in my own life. Until today.

A young girl that I coached over summer sent me this text after we completed the last meet of the season: "You are the best coach I will ever have. Thank you for believing in me when I didn't believe in myself. Thank you it was so much fun, I'm thinking about doing it again next year." I love that I can inspire people in that way, but I feel like I'm missing a piece of the puzzle when I'm able to help others believe in themselves, but I don't believe in me. I feel almost hypocritical, as grateful as I was to get that text, and I realized more than ever at that moment that it is time to stop being stuck in this self-imposed mud and time to start crawling out.

I'm promising myself this. And there is nothing I hate more than a broken promise.

Is summer over yet?

I'm exhausted. I've worked over 40 hours a week every week this summer and I'm ready to go back to school. Feels like more of a vacation being there than it does being home (with the exception of a couple weekends here and there). I'm ready to have a routine. I'm ready to have my own space.

Weird things have been happening and I take that as a sign that it's just time to move on. I'm getting itchy in my own skin and that is never really a good thing.

So anywho, in the midst of all this wildness this week, I made this really strange connection. I was thinking about how blessed I am in the sense that I have never really had to struggle to find a job - opportunities have always just fallen into my lap, right when I need them or sometimes even when I don't need them at all. How does that make me blessed? Well let's just not even get started on the job market. In the state that this country is in and the rate of unemployment, I feel more than lucky that I have been able to be employed for the last five years of my life, in one way or another.

So then I was thinking about it some more, and I realized, on top of never having to struggle to find a job, I've never even really had to hunt for a job. I've never looked, they've just kind of shown up and presented themselves to me. Here's where I made this connection - I've heard the quote from more than one person that, "whenever you stop looking for something, it will just show up," or something along the lines of that. Typically, people say it with regard to love. "You can't go looking for love, it just shows up when you least expect it." But it has been applied to other situations as well.

Is that really true? Have I been so fortunate in the job market because I've never really looked or been determined to find one? Do they really just fall into my lap because I'm just going with the flow? Hmm. And more importantly, is this really the case in all aspects of life? If I just let go, remain calm with whatever happens, and trust that everything will work out without holding expectations...will things just fall into place?

I'm sensing some Dao of Pooh-isms here...but with that I leave my thoughts unfinished. Those questions haven't been answered in my head yet, so...to be continued.

Why is unenthralling not a real word?

Well I was thinking today (I know, when am I not thinking?)...about thinking. Because of a thought provoking discussion on the idea of "unnecessarily thinking," or as I tried to correct myself and say "unnecessarily doubting." Is there such a thing?

The argument was posed to me that "doubting makes you wonder, makes you question, makes you think...and that is never unnecessary." I started to ask, what about when someone makes you doubt something you were previously sure of, but then I sort of dropped the conversation. Because I had brought up a good point to myself.

Today I changed the word "doubt" to "second-guessing," because I feel that it has less of a negative connotation and I wanted to look at this as unbiasedly as possible. So, is it unnecessary to second-guess something I thought I was sure of? Maybe not. Maybe I spoke too carelessly, used the word unnecessary too freely. Unnecessary means something is not needed, but truthfully, shouldn't a degree of second-guessing always be needed? If everyone just accepted everything they were told, the world would be a very unenthralling place to live and there would be a complete absence of free thought - something I feel very strongly about.

So in the grand scheme of things, I would have to disagree with my original statement and agree with the opposing statement...thinking is not unnecessary. You win this time, punk. :) But in the smaller context I used it in, I still think I'm right, so there. :P

Sound Mind

If it's possible to do a complete 180 over the course of a weekend, I think I did. Or at least a 140. It was like, Friday night I hugged my best friend for the first time in 8 months, and suddenly I could just think clearly and I was like, "What on earth have I been doing??"

Friday night I couldn't sleep because I was just way too excited that everything had actually worked for once and he was actually HERE. After hanging out all day Saturday, I slept better than I have all summer - 12 hours to be exact. I felt like I was reminded of who I was; the person who I felt had been missing or lost for the last few months was still there. It was really strange, but I suppose I should have expected it.

I woke up Saturday morning, and it was like I'd changed overnight. I was confident in what I needed to do about everything I'm having issues with in my life. Guy I was dating? It needs to be done and over with. It was never a good idea in the first place, and I'm better off without that complication in my life. Issues with friends? I can't keep pushing those issues to the side forever, I need to acknowledge them, deal with them, and move forward with my life. Moving forward does not mean pretending nothing happened. It means growing and getting past any issues and continuing on with my life. How I feel about myself? I am okay. I was never not okay, despite how I've felt at moments through-out this summer. I just need to keep taking life one day at a time, and not letting the things that may prove relatively insignificant get me down.

Today was a little rough because he left. But the goodbye days are always the hardest ones for me. But I had to remember that all of those clear-headed thoughts that I had yesterday don't go away because he went away...those thoughts were still real and valid and important. And as always, I have a sad day on the day poohad leaves, but I'll be better by tomorrow and this time, I've got a new and improved attitude too. Let's hope it sticks around.

Big Post coming soon...

I'm too busy and have too much going on right now to blog all about this right now. But the strangest thing is happening. I can't even explain it, but I will try soon.

Need to know information? My best friend is home. And it's the happiest weekend I've had all summer. :)

To be continued...

I Want to Learn How to Love

Or at least how to do it better. I don't mean romantic love either. I mean unconditionally loving people as my initial reaction upon meeting them. Loving them through their faults and their mistakes, and not allowing that love to turn to fear and pain if they decide to do something negative that directly involves me. Or maybe it isn't love I'm describing at all, maybe it's kindness. But in all actuality...isn't that love in it's most basic form?

People have hurt me in my life, people are hurting my in my life, and people are going to continue to hurt me in my life. It's part of being human and having emotions - trust can be broken, feelings can be hurt, and relationships can be ruined. However, being hurt by someone is not an excuse to hurt them back. I've been taught that since I was little. I always thought, because I've never maliciously hurt someone, or tried to actually "seek revenge" on someone, that that meant I was not hurting them back. But I don't think that is the case.

I'm beginning to think that thinking bad things about a person, holding on to negative thoughts based on my interactions with that person, is harmful in more ways than one. It's harmful to myself because it prevents me from letting go and moving forward. And ultimately, I think I have to step outside myself and think, "Would my thoughts about this person hurt them back?" Usually, for me, the answer is yes.

My thoughts are reflected in my attitude - the way I behave around certain people, or in certain situations. And that is where the problem arises. Just because someone was not kind to me doesn't mean I shouldn't be kind to them. My thoughts and fears and insecurities about this persons relation to my life should not dictate how I treat them. Sure, if someone betrays me and loses my trust, I may associate that time and action with that person for the rest of forever. But where I make my mistake is when I try to change my behavior with that person and end up treating them coldly.

What should I try to do instead? I should learn from the mistakes I made in that friendship, that relationship, that situation; and I shouldn't take that lightly. It is possible to change the way I interact with someone without losing that kindness. I know it's possible. It has to be. If I get lied to, I should not give that person the cold shoulder for even one second. But I should immediately adapt my behavior, realize what changes this means for my relationship to that person, but continue to treat them kindly and civilly.

I by no means am saying it's okay to just let people walk all over you. Although not always good at it myself, I am a firm believer that if someone does something hurtful to you, you should let them know what they did. But it's possible to do that without being rude or condescending - you just need to be straightforward and to the point. You shouldn't feel guilty for pointing that out to someone (something I need to work on...but that's a whole other tangent).

I think that's my goal for this semester. To learn how to love, in it's simplest form, better. To be unassuming, to learn from my mistakes, but not to let anything shake me to the point where I become spiteful toward any one person or even people in general.

I'm still thinking this through. I may look back at this tomorrow and realize none of it made any sense. I'm writing as I think through it...and maybe something will come from it. Maybe not. But it's worth a shot; I need some sort of change.

I have been wrecked.

I have not had days as low as this in a very long time. I forgot how frightening it could be to be in a position where you are questioning everything you ever thought you knew about yourself. How shaking that is. The only thing that is getting me through is knowing that at some point, I'm going to make it up and out of this ditch. It doesn't mean there won't be some slides back down as I lose my footing on the way up. I'm sure there will be. But if I can stay focused and know that all of that is what it's going to take to get out, I think I can do it.

I don't need to go into the specifics of it. All that needs to be said is that I have been lied to, in more ways than one. And for someone who can't seem to find the line between being trusting and being careful, I really didn't need that. It's extra hard to get back up from those sort of things for me, as I'm sure it is for many other people who have been hurt in similar ways. I'm floundering a little bit right now, especially because I'm just "stuck" in all that has happened until I can go back to school. I also have a hard time with not knowing the answers to all the questions that I have in my head about why things happened the way they did, but I need to accept that I do not have any right to the answers to those questions. I need to let go and move on.

I'll get there. I think I just need a bit more floundering time. And maybe some sort of miracle, just as a morale boost or something. Anything.

Apparently, I'm actually not competent enough to make my own decisions.

I do look like the stupid one.

He did choose his old reputation.

He doesn't appreciate me anymore for believing in the "new" him, because apparently, there is no "new" him.

He's proven he's not worthy of the chance I was willing to give him.

It all backfired.

And here I am, sitting in what's left of it.

It's not a pretty sight.

I knew it was going to be a sassy day when I woke up this morning.

I don't do well with people subtly trying to tell me that something I'm doing is not a good decision. Typically, they try to sneak around it and then I call them out directly and then it results in an argument. Because I get defensive over the attack and they get mad that they weren't sneaky enough and their plan blew up in their face. Typically.

The reason I get defensive is people usually have no "so what?" as one of my favorite English teachers would say, to their argument. One I've been hearing a lot of lately is, "You could do better than him," to which I respond, "So what?" And from there it usually deteriorates into pointless arguing. I get that people care about me and whatever, but a lot of times those statements come from people who probably don't really care that much, or don't really know what they are talking about. Yes, I do get defensive. But when someone is pretty much insinuating you're not competent to make your own decisions and don't think things through all the way, wouldn't you get defensive too?

Who do you think I am? Have I ever been someone to go blindly into a situation without thinking about the positive and negative consequences of my actions? I don't think so... I know that I have the potential to come out of this situation looking like the stupid one, standing up for someone against the words of everyone else, and them choosing their old reputation over the one I had faith in. I am well aware that is a possibility. But I also know that people change, and that this person, who has done nothing to me to prove he's not worthy of a chance, could be truthful and honest with me and may appreciate me more for being one of the few even willing to give him a chance.

I'm working on not going into every situation thinking someone wants to hurt me; it's hard. But I'm stubborn and I'm persistent. Please don't tell me how to live my life if you don't know the whole story.