Helpless

my heart is breaking. have you ever seen someone in so much pain, and wanted to help them with every fiber of your being, but known there was absolutely nothing you could do? what about when that someone is your best friend? next to be heart broken myself, i have never felt such an awful feeling. next to having your heart broken, i would say utter helplessness has got to be one of the worst experiences.

today i made two trips out to cal lu. i grocery shopped with my dad. i visited people i hadn't seen in three months. i unpacked and set up my whole room. physically, i was busy and all over the place. mentally...my brain was in one place. all i want to do is sit down and cry for all that i've heard, and all that i know i am incapable of fixing. to hear your best friend say things that you would dread to hear even from a stranger, that could shake you to your very core...how do i just go on with my day feeling that gnawing inside of me? i'm scared. i'm scared for him. i've never prayed so hard in my life.

i want to be with him. i wish i could wake up and be in DC to at least be there for him in a physical sense, to hug, to talk to face to face, and to be more of a comfort than a voice over a phone line from thousands of miles away. prior to today i had so much on my mind, good and bad...but i don't even remember what i was thinking 24 hours ago. i'm so worried, and i want to help so badly, but i don't know what i can do to help. all i can do is talk, and i don't think that's working. he's made so much growth and finally allowed himself to feel, and what does he get? this? i've never wanted some one to experience "good" and happiness and joy as much as i do with him, he deserves it.

my heart is breaking for him. something miraculous needs to happen...i can't stand to hear my best friend cry and not be able to save him.

Decisions, decisions

well. once again my mind is overcome with the burden of this huge decision that i've been toying with all summer. swimming. i'm scared of making the decision, but i know its one that i need to finalize; i can't just wait here in limbo because swim literally starts in a week.

i'm 85% sure of what i want to do, and its the little things that keep holding me back. i'm afraid of the outcomes of my decision. the sport at the school has introduced me to so many great people - i loved the coaching staff, i loved my teammates, and i really felt as if i was part of a family. i don't want to offend people and make them feel as if i didn't enjoy the time i spent there - it was a great experience and i won't ever forget the friends and the relationships i made there.

but my heart isn't in it anymore. i don't doubt that i will miss it, and the hardest part will be not being with my girls every day. but i need to step back to see if this sport is something i still love. i kind of compare it to an ex boyfriend. post-breakup is awful...an emotional roller coaster of high highs and low lows. then you move out of that stage, you heal and you accept that it's over. and then maybe, once you've been apart from that significant other, you discover one of two things - (1) you both find that you were meant to be together, that you are still in love, and you heal past wounds and reform a relationship, or (2) you realize you it just wasn't meant to be and you begin to look for something bigger and better to fill your life.

the only way i can get to that point is to take a step back and go through that process - but its difficult to knowingly admit yourself into such a vicious ordeal; to willingly submit to such heartbreak. it's scary, and i'm not going to lie, i am 100% terrified. not even just about whether or not i'm making the right decision, but if i'm going to know who i am without being a swimmer.

a wonderful friend of mine who has an outstanding way with words, wrote to me on this matter to try and give me some insight, as she has been in a similar situation. she said, "Swimming will always be in your blood, but it's your decision at what degree do you want it to define you and if you are brave enough to step out of the pool for a bit and explore what else is out there. The pool will always be there." it sounds obvious, but that's what i need to remember...the pool will always be there for me, no matter how long i leave it behind for.

i have other things i want to do that swimming puts limitations on. i don't want to miss out on opportunities because "i have to go to practice." i've turned down things for that reason more times in my short life than i would like to admit...sure some of those times were back when swim was still fun and i was glad to be going to practice. i don't want to miss opportunities to expand myself because i'm stuck in this one aspect. i want to grow.

and i suppose part of growing is facing fears and dealing with tough stuff such as this. i need to sit down and let my fingers type that email that is going to finalize how i will be spending my sophomore year. i need some strength.

Life as I love it

isn't it funny how three months ago, all i could post about was how excited i was for summer, and now i can't WAIT to go back to school?? five more days! :)

freedom. independence. companionship. education. here i come.

i grew up a lot mentally this summer. i grew into myself and became more comfortable with who i am and what i stand for. going back to school will be the true test of how strong i am in what i have discovered over the past few months. i hope that it sticks. i hope that when i am tested i am capable of holding my ground and can withstand the urge to shrink away. i pray that i will continue to grow and continue to travel successfully down this path that i have started forging. i hope, although i expect it to be difficult, that the bigger decisions i will be making this semester really are for the best and that i will eventually see that it was the right thing to do.

"The first step toward getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to say where you are."

Substance?

i've had a lot of time to blog, but i just haven't. i feel like there isn't a lot of substance to anything i would write at the moment. maybe that's a product of my brain deteriorating from being out of school for far too long...or maybe it's just a sign that i've finally had a couple weeks of pure enjoyment where i've just been happily occupied with other going-ons.

emily came to visit for a few days. we enjoyed all the benefits of ventura - beach, good food, the fair (dierks bentley!!)

nikko came home and i finally got to see him, if only for a day. thoughts and prayers are with him as he enters his second year at the naval academy.

shopping trips like crazy to get clothes and other necessities - yes, new school clothes are always a necessity.

the end of LA84 swim team - technically i still have a week left, but thats only with 15 of the 50 kids that I worked with every day this summer. it was bittersweet...those kids have pretty much been my life all summer, and its weird to think that this is probably the last time i will hold this coaching position...

and most importantly of course...I GO BACK TO CAL LU A WEEK FROM TOMORROW! :)

see, nothing of any depth. but sometimes, its ok to be that way i suppose. maybe once classes start it will give me something a little more intellectual to say.

today was the tomorrow i've been waiting for

all is right in the world.

that is the best way to describe how i feel right now. my best friend is HERE. i got to see him and hang out with him, and catch up, and argue with each other...it was like we never missed a beat.

i couldn't be happier. well i could, if he wasn't leaving so soon.

but this is BY FAR the best day of my summer.

isn't it funny how humans can form such bonds with each other? my psychology teacher used to always say "we are social beings, we are made to have human interaction." its just interesting how some of those interactions can turn into such a strong connection. what i have with this kid is rare, i have yet to find something as strong with anyone else. never have i been so quickly stirred up when hearing of someone insulting another person as I am when i hear that people are doing it about him. it literally makes me feel like i could punch a person, and as a typically nonviolent person, thats quite a big deal.

and after a summer of dealing with changes in so many relationships that i once thought i truly understood, it's really nice to see that not everything has changed. that the closest ones really do stick with you through it all.

C'mon, Tomorrow!

this will be the best week of my summer.

i do not work for the next three, count 'em, THREE days. hallelujah. my goal is to not do anything work related other than email parents back for the rest of this week. it's mental holiday time.

Emily's here! Finally! It's so great to have her here...not only is it fun catching up and going adventuring, BUT its making me even more excited for school. She leaves friday, and that makes me sad but it means i'll see her back at school in like, two weeks. =)

Tomorrow is August 11th. the day that i mentioned my excitement level in an earlier post as about 50. now...i'd say about 500000. he's home. finally. 8 months later and i get to give one of my closest friends a HUG, a real live hug and have face to face conversations. i'm not going to lie...i might cry. the happiest and most relieved tears i will have ever shed, but i might be able to keep it together just out of pure excitement.

Control

"Control is never achieved when sought after directly. It is the surprising outcome of letting go."

-James Arthur Ray

i've been getting a sense of how it feels to be in control of situations that directly effect me...and the different ways in which that control can be gained. the funny thing is, the true method of holding all control really is to just let go. let go of expectations, let go of what once was, and live in the here and now.

You can't control anyone or anything in this world except for yourself. You may think you can control your boyfriend, your dog, your friends, but they all are separate entities and can at any point go against what you are asking them to do. that doesn't mean they will, but they can. and when that happens, people generally feel a loss of control over that person....but did you really ever control them to begin with? or did they decide in their head, using their own controls, that obeying you is generally a good idea? i'd be willing to bet on the latter.

why get angry when the driver in front of you goes super slow and then you miss the greenlight? can you control how that person drives? can you control when the light changes? it'd be really cool if you could, but you can't. so whats the use in getting angry over that...it's beyond your control. in all actuality, that anger over something beyond your influence is really demonstrating a loss of control over yourself, not the perceived loss of control over that driver or that light.

for example. i have an ex-boyfriend. everything about the downhill spiral of our relationship was initiated by him, and for so long, i had this unfortunate attachment to everything he did, feeling that i was under his control because i was just so overcome with all these emotions toward him. slowly i began to learn to piece myself back together to the point where first i could just manage my own being, and recently i've realized, i'm now the one in the position of power. i've moved on, i've secured myself in who i am and what i stand for, i've completely changed my way of thinking by letting go of what is our past and focusing on where i am mentally right now. i can't control what he does...but i can control how i respond.

"You cannot always control circumstances, but you can control your own thoughts."

-Charles Popplestown

Reality Shocker

today was just one of those days.

tired. overwhelmed.

no...try stressed and exhausted.

if you woulda said the wrong thing to me today, i probably coulda burst into tears at the drop of a hat.

that kind of day.

i don't feel any better. in fact i probably feel worse. however, i have been straightened up and put back in line again. today i learned that the brother of a beautiful ten-year-old girl on my swim team died this last week. i received a simple note on the inside of my locker that instantly overwhelmed me with grief for her and her family and shamed me for dwelling on the negatives of my day. sometimes, things just really are unfair and there is no other way about it. so tonight, and every night for a while now, my thoughts and prayers are with her and her family.