"I feel..."

one day over lunch, sitting outside and enjoying a rare appearance of the sun, my best friend casually said to me, "you know, i've realized that you say i feel a lot." as in, where most people would say "oh i think this...." i'm more prone to say i feel this...

in our conversation, we kinda joked around about it a bit, and then moved on, probably to some gossip about a strange person we saw, or the fat centrum-squirrel that we feed french fries to. but when i think about it, that little difference reflects a lot about the way i am.

the truth is, i generally do tend to feel before i think.

i love before i question.

i defend before i doubt.

i accept before i judge.

all of those, i feel (haha) are based on a feeling that rises before conscious thought happens. and the latter may come as the initial feeling subsides and thoughts intrude.

its a blessing and a curse. because of this, i get attached easily. and on the flip side, i get hurt easily. it can really put your heart through the wringer - a lot more often and a lot more brutally. but it has allowed me to be more loving, more accepting, and more open....and i would never wish something like that away.

The Calm After the Storm

"I'm not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship." - Lousia May Alcott

you know when you have those moments where you reflect and you can actually tell how you've grown? where you think, "wow, a year ago, a similar situation would have made me react so differently?" today, i'm having one of those moments. and while it may feel less calm as the days go on, right now i just want to cherish the immediate feeling.

i cried, not out of sadness for what didn't happen, but out of joy for everything that has.

i value my optimism, but never like i have at this exact moment.

what's meant to be will be. if the timing is right, nothing is impossible.

i lost a little, but i gained soooo much more.

life didn't turn out exactly as i'd planned this time, but sometimes things turn out better that way.

there were bumps along the way, but i have grown and learned every step of the way.

i am left with a friendship that means the world to me, and for that i will be eternally grateful.

i. am. blessed.

it's not fair.

and don't you dare say "well, life isn't fair." i know that, but in this instance, it's beside the point.

an institution that serves to protect our country and represents the ideal patriotism should not be able to discriminate. discrimination is not patriotic. regardless of someone's background; they should not be judged on the person that they were, but rather the person that they are becoming.

so what if someone's record from a few years ago is a little sketchy? the institution itself wasn't there to observe it. they don't know the circumstances. and they refuse to see how much a person can change between then and now. A courageous, compassionate, and strong man can be judged and treated poorly based on something he did when he was 15? Content of character can change as a person grows and is influenced by his surroundings.

to act in such an unappreciative way to someone who has fought overseas and served our country, not just sat in a classroom and learned about it, is just simply not fair. and the difference between life being not fair and this instance is that this SHOULD NOT be this way. life's not fair and there isn't much you can do about that. but not letting someone return home for over six months, when there were opportunities for him to do so, just like all the other members of his company? that can be changed, as it should be.

Dear Institution to which I speak,

My friend has done more for this country than most people will ever do by the age of 18. You are wrong to judge him based on his past, when you have no clue of what and inspirational and compassionate person he has become. Not only has he changed other people's lives, but he has changed his own life more than any outsider would ever understand. Keeping him away from his friends and family longer than is necessary is a terrible way of thanking him for what he has done, and all the great things he hopes to accomplish. Way to be a huge, rude, unappreciative, disrespectful jerk.

With an increasing lack of respect,

Courtney

"Morning made all the difference."

i've been in a rather blah mood lately - partially due to the past two days of getting up waaaaay earlier than i'm used to.

i woke up this morning at 6:15 so I would be at work by 7:00 (aka: earlier than i've woken up since first semester haha) and i was exhausted, grumpy, and cold. bundled up in an oversized parka and sweats, i took all the equipment out to the pool and perched myself up on the guard stand.

people began to show up, and i forced a smile to cheerily say "good morning" or "enjoy your swim," many of them equally as chipper in response. the sun was shining, the pool was clear, there was very little wind, classic rock playing in the background, the smell of fresh cut grass...it got me wondering. what on earth do i have to be in such a bad mood about when i get to enjoy such a beautiful morning?

NOTHING.

so i flipped my attitude around. i wasn't fake cheery to the lap swimmers, i was sincere. i added some bounce to my step and i tried to think nothing but positive thoughts. in between shifts on the stand, i read "Three Cups of Tea." I just started it; its a narrative/biography sort of book about a young man who builds schools for poor villages in the Middle East. quite interesting so far...

i swam and caught up with sam afterwards, was home and showered by noon, in time to go adventuring with sarah. although the tired definitely hit me more as the day went on...it really is amazing how learning to appreciate a morning can make a difference in your whole day. =)

familia

today is a day where i have to remind myself to be grateful for my family.

be grateful i have a house to live in.

be grateful i have parents who love me.

be grateful i have food in my kitchen to eat.

sometimes its hard to remember that family does so much for me. especially on days like today, when all we do is fight. all i want tonight is to go back to school and be responsible for myself and not be held accountable to anyone else. i miss my independence.

i'm not holding a grudge. i'm just so unbelievably tired of all the stupid bickering. maybe if i just say less, we'll have less to argue about?

Troubled.

its the only word i can think of to capture what i'm feeling.

i know my blogs keep going back and forth, sort of stuck on the same vague idea, but if i'm going to be honest - that's exactly how my brain is working (minus the vague-ness, everything's very specific in my head).

this time...i blame Letters to Juliet. thank you for having a theme that was so pertinent to my life.

in a nutshell: "if it really is love, don't let it get away. don't wait until you're old and grey to do something about it. but its never too late." etc, etc, etc...you get the point...

but in real life, the boy of your dreams doesn't scale a building to reach you on a balcony and profess that he is "truly, madly, deeply, and passionately" in love with you.

he doesn't have a perfect life where he can travel the world as he so chooses.

he's not flawless.

he's not quite so...unattached.

in real life, he's attached to things like a freaking bug in a spider web.

he has imperfections.

he's not always where he should be at the ring of a bell.

he tells you he loves you but there's so much "ish" in the way that it constantly feels like he's just out of your grasp, and it would take a miracle of all miracles to change the path that its taking.

here's praying for a little beaten trail off to the side of that path.

My brain is restless today...

it's a little all over the place...so this post will probably reflect that and be a little scattered too. hey, that's just how i roll. ;) and everyone knows, when you have a lot on you mind, sometimes its good to just...you know...write it down. and then maybe it can give you a little peace of mind. or at least enough so that you can get some sleep.

today i logged onto facebook and there was a post of something from this girl's tumblr account - a girl i don't really know, other than we're from the same general area and we both go to cal lu. we added each other probably because of college, but i don't think we've ever actually spoken. anywho, the post starts off with "what happens if you fall in love with your best friend? (best friend as in its a guy)."

now i swear on my life, i didn't write that as much as it sounds like i did haha. but again, this just kinda goes to show that whatever struggle you, or i, may be going through, as lonely as it may feel...you aren't really alone. its hard to grasp that sometimes, i'm not saying i always do, but if eventually you can say "hey, people have dealt with this before, people are dealing with it now, and they're all still alive," maybe it can be a source of hope.

i over-think a lot of things. i read into things too often when i should just take them at their face value. i acknowledge this, i know it, but somehow thats not enough to convince me to stop. i think its because i worry that the one time i let go and stop over-thinking...that will be the one time that i should have. or maybe i do it to protect myself. so i can say "i knew it all along," and use that to push out any hurt that may follow. or maybe its a combination of the both.

for gosh sakes, self, just because someone doesn't say "haha" for a few messages doesn't mean the world has come to an end and they hate your stinkin' guts! ugh.

i watched the blind side with Kendra tonight (although my mother is under the impression that i saw it quite some time ago...but that's a story for another day =P). it was great, i totally loved it and pretty much fell in love with every character. but it also brought up this feeling i get sometimes, that i still haven't figured out exactly what to do about. i want to be involved in something that does something great for people. i want to give.

my life is blessed - i know i joke sometimes and say "i wish i was rich so i could buy whatever i wanted." but my life is rich, so rich, and i will be eternally grateful for the life i have. but i am itching to get out there and make a difference in some way. i just haven't figured out exactly what i want to do yet. but be ready, something's coming. cross my heart.

Hey guess what? YOU missed out.

today i had a slightly awkward conversation with my ex-boyfriend about how, interest-wise, i had moved on from what we had. it left me with a really strange feeling. its weird to finally let go of something that, whether conscious or not, you've held on to for so long...three years to be exact.

i feel like i cut some cord today and i'm sort of floating around in this unfamiliar state, waiting for my feet to come back to solid ground. don't get me wrong, in my very core i'm ecstatic that i could finally do this!

just think of it as having blurry vision for as long as you can remember, and then being given glasses that allow you to see as you should - you just trip out for a while, but before you know it, you forget that former blurry feeling.

but as usual, that kid always knows how to get my brain spinning. maybe i'm reading into what he says a little, but when expressing my lack of belief that my current "love situation" will work out he says "you can't just ignore thoughts like that when they involve your best friend." i'm not going to go into the specifics of this statement...but although ex-boyfriend claims not to be the jealous type...i know him a little better than that, and i think there's a little more under the surface of that statement.

that being said, it was a relief to me that when hearing that, i can FINALLY say to myself: he missed out. he had his opportunity to proof to me that he was worth trying again with, and he missed that chance. my letting go has not come without putting up a good fight to see if this kid was worth waiting around for. but there comes a point when you have to recognize that someone cannot change more than a certain amount, especially not just because you want them to. i will forever have a soft spot for this kid...but its as friendship, and nothing more.

i make him sound like a bad kid...some think he is, but he really isn't. he has a beautiful heart, his wild temperament just has a tendency to overwhelm it. today, whether he meant it or not, he told me that he believed current "love situation" and i would be good for each other. that he could say that meant the world to me. i want him to understand how important it is for me to strive for something that is good for me...and i don't want him to ever forget how he messed up and missed out.

this thing that i'm dealing with now...i can't say i believe with the majority of my heart that its going to work out in my favor. it will do my heart no good to get my hopes up. but maybe, just maybe...if now isn't the time for it to happen...it will someday. some days it is harder to remind myself of that than others, but its always there, in the back of my head.

it's that 5%....when your heart feels something that unwavering, that strong, that passionate...you don't just give up on it completely.

The Kid in Me

i found this in a poetry portfolio from my junior year AP English class. it's funny how you can write something with one person in mind, but when thats all done and over with, you find that what you wrote still holds true, with or without the inspiration present. this is still the kind of people i need/want in my life. :)

The Kid in Me

You bring out the kid in me.

The wide-eyed wonder.

The care-free run.

The simple mind.

The love of life

That makes living fun.

You bring out the curiosity in me.

The sweet little girl in me.

The mistake maker in me.

The unstoppable determination in me.

The fun-loving soul in me.

The finger painting artist in me.

The honest and caring; the loving side in me.

You've brought out the innocence in me.

The teenage guilt,

The hard-time struggles,

And the long time loss

Are allowed to rewind.

You tell me I'm beautiful.

You tell me mistakes happen.

You tell me it really is okay

To just Let Go -

Let my hair down, race the wind -

Dance barefoot in the pouring rain,

Play in that mud,

Chase those fireflies,

Swing 'til I touch the sky,

Make my wish on that star.

You tell me

Don't let anything get in the way of my dreams.

And I won't.

Because you bring it out in me.

The cute and cuddly, simply amused,

Butterfly chasing, flower picking,

Crayon coloring, teddy bear hugging,

Big dreaming

Kid in me.

The Ultimate Vulnerability

have you ever poured your heart out to someone about a matter that actually involves them? and by poured i mean saying anything and everything that you have left in your entire being to say to that one person.

well if you haven't, let me be the first to tell you, its exhausting.

and by exhausting i mean: terrifying, exhilarating, risky, empowering, stressful, lonely, satisfying, unsatisfying, horrible, beautiful, nerve-wracking, curious, intense, liberating, dramatic, reckless...and any synonym or any other word remotely related to those.

i feel it's the ultimate moment of vulnerability, and thats why its so hard for people to do. it's virtually like holding your heart out to that person without skin or bone covering it - you're abandoning all protection to be the most intense form of honest there is. but if you can find some comfort in the fact that its hard for EVERYONE, maybe it will make it just a little easier - not better, but a little less looming. i'll let you know if that becomes any more comforting to myself over the next week...i sure hope it does.

the only part worse than spilling your heart, is waiting for a response...or if there will even be one.

"There's no time to be holding it all in,

and trying to pretend that I don't feel anything

Oh I shouldn't have said I'm sorry...

I meant every word

Won't take back the way I felt about you

I can't unsay what you heard

'Cause you heard me right

And I won't try to fight back to hide my feelings for you

I unapologize."

-Carrie Underwood "Unapologize"

Laying in my "big girl" bed

i'm back home, in my nice, comfy FULL sized bed. i can sleep stretched out like a star fish and take up as much room as possible, instead of staying scrunched up in a little ball. ahhhhh....:) how nice that i get to enjoy this for the next three and half months. my back is very grateful! ;)

today was a wild day. last final this morning, after only four hours of sleep and no studying (shhh, don't tell haha) - goodbye bearded lady professor, you were really nice, but i just couldn't take the boredom that is your class for one more day...not to mention what a distraction your unusual facial hair is! anywho, after getting some weird dizzy spell after eating a muffin (potentially drugged...ok, just an overactive imagination) and passing out into an hour and half crazy nap back at the dorm, the day really started.

after a final lunch in the centrum and cleaning like the merry maids...or not-so-merry...claire and i took the time to sit in the quiet and just kind of think about what crazy experience we had just had over the past eight months. how much we had changed and grown...but most importantly on all the people who had entered and changed our lives.

i never used to be a big crier. in fact, i'm still not. but today, i walked out of my dorm room door and i bawled. not just a couple tears, i really cried. Its funny how, after four years of high school, i didn't cry, i just wanted out. but after only a year here at Cal Lu, i felt more attached and more at home that i ever had at Buena. it was hard saying bye to everyone, and a little awkward with some, but I didn't lose it until i had to say bye to Emily while my dad was sitting out in the packed-up car.

Dear Eke,

As much as we act like we hate each other sometimes, you're the best friend I've made while I've been at Cal Lu. While no one drives me as crazy as you do, no one makes me laugh as hard as you do. Between all the "wow! I just wanted to play with you" moments and the "rude!" ones and the "i love you!" times, I guess I got a little attached to you haha. Thank gosh I did that freakishly weird wave at you in the caf that one day...I would have been missing out if I hadn't. :) I'll miss our tired jollies, little fights, bizarrely hilarious quotes, and fat days over the next three months! GB for now :)

Love,

Me

Bye-bye Freshman year, hello summer =)

sad me is over. i was just sick that day and annoyed...but i'm done! back to cheerful me! :)

tomorrow is my last final at 8 AM. i gave up on studying, so now i'm sitting on my bed with claire and emily, blasting music and enjoying the last night that all three of us are together, reflecting on funny things that happened this year and slowly fading into sleep talk. this is what i'm going to miss. not necessarily the wild outings and the crazy things that happened, but spending time with all the great people i've met here. why do so many of my new friends have to be from norcal and washington?!

my room is empty. my roomies are gone. my stuff is packed up. our walls are bare. claire and i will be going through withdrawls from each other in approximately 48 hours. emily and i will probably be skyping by saturday. pretty much all we have left to do is vacuum and then its like we were never here. weird, right?

so despite all this nostalgia, i have nostalgia's from last summer that i'm really looking forward to, haha =)

beach days with old friends

one of my best friends FINALLY coming back...is it July 26th yet?

the fair!!

a job that i love coaching a sport that i love

time with the fambam

well i need to go make sure claire and emily don't kill each other with claire's scoliosis stretcher thing...we dont need any holes in the wall on the last night. annnnnd....emily just fell. ay chi...

peace out, thompson room 102 :)

Finals Week

today, i'm trying really hard to look like this -> :D. or at least like this -> :)

but really, i feel like this -> :/. or possibly even this -> :(

i'm just tired. i'm tired of school. i'm tired of stress. i'm tired of not sleeping enough. i'm tired of worrying about things in my social life. i'm tired of my little bed. i'm tired of wondering. i'm tired of people not being where i need them when i want them there. i'm just so TIRED.

i know that my life is great, and in reality, i have so much to be thankful for - great friends, a wonderful school, a stable job that i love, family to go home to - life is really great.

but everyone is entitled to a down day every once and a while. and today i am claiming one.

end. of. story.

Summer...

...is consuming my brain.

this is not a good thing, considering i have FOUR finals to get through before i can actually say summer has started. my brain needs to focus on Christianity, Physics, Psychology, and Algorithms.

but all that's running through it is:

sun.

beach.

hot.

pool.

friends.

reading.

coaching.

gym.

relaxing.

Dear occasional and random, yet no less obnoxious, ADD;

please go away, at least for the next 3 and a half days. just let me have three days of focus and hard work...then i promise you may come and go as you please for THREE WHOLE MONTHS and i will not have a care in the world. thanks for understanding (hopefully).

With a disgruntled form of love,

Courtney

What I've Learned My Freshman Year

it's ok to stand up for myself and what i believe.

this is still a work in progress, but i'm getting better.

going to bed between 12 and 1 is just not allowed.

its just a really awkward hour - its not night, but its not morning. it's the best time to get the tj's and stay up and giggle with your friend, reflecting on how you "wish it was one" until it finally is one and then you're too wound up to sleep anyway.

you don’t have to go out and party to enjoy a Friday or Saturday night.

this isn't to say i haven't gone out. but some of the nights i've spent in with Claire and Emily and whoever else randomly gets added into the mix have been the best i've had.

spontaneity is beautiful.

life doesn't have to be planned. sometimes its just nice to take it as it comes, and go wherever life takes you.

how to take naps/sleep through insane amounts of noise.

Before coming to CLU, I always said “I can’t take naps, i don’t know how.” I wasn’t lying...but as a tired student/athlete who lives in the loudest freshman dorm on campus, you learn...fast. I’m pretty sure I could sleep through the break during Quiet Hours at this point.

i can push through difficult challenges, even when they seem impossible.

recovering after DBJ. initial college homesickness. WINTER TRAINING CAMP. i'm still alive...just taking it one day at a time.

i’m very accident prone.

being friends with Emily probably hasn't helped this at all, but i wouldn't trade her for the world. The good news is, i never had to make a trip to the ER! the bad news is, i've given myself a concussion/hit my head far too many times, gotten keyed in the face, ate it in a parking lot and bruised my hip, tendonitis in my shoulder, gashed open my knee on a rock...etc etc...but its ok cuz i can always laugh about it now =)

how to read music and play the recorder.

Theres not a whole lot to say about this...only its something I never thought I would ever learn! I’m by no means a pro...or even an amateur...barely a beginner. But it was still a cool experience!

breakfast is over rated, especially when you dont even have class till 2:45.

not counting weekends...i've eaten breakfast in the cafeteria maybe 10 times max this entire year. i value my sleep time, okay? why get up at nine just to go eat breakfast when i could sleep until eleven and make lunch my first year? haha

you don’t always have to over-achieve...you just have to do your best.

i was an over achiever in elementary school. i was an over achiever in middle school. up until senior year, i was an over achiever in high school. i found my balance this year between the over achiever i've been all my life and the slacker i was senior year. its a good middle ground to be at =)

don’t throw a guacamole container into the regular trashcan.

unless you really want your room to smell like poop for three days straight. if you do, then more power to you. personally, i'm not a fan.

adventuring is a life necessity.

my ipod says "if life was easy, where would all the adventures be?" It's so true. college, besides being a giant adventure in itself, was full of adventures - to the store, to drive around, to the mall, to Ventura, to someone else's room, around campus, and of course, my favorite, the ones with no goal whatsoever.

Gossip Girl marathons with your best friend make any bad day a little better.

Claire and I made it through two seasons of Gossip Girl in less than two months...maybe sometimes we had other things we should have been doing, but sometimes you just need that chill time, especially on days that aren't the best. Our only problem now is waiting for season 3 to be released...sigh....

how to live with other people.

it's a cooperative effort. but i wouldn't trade living with claire for the world. now the other two...well lets just say i'm excited for that to get changed up next semester. ;)

time flies when you’re having fun.

I keep finding myself saying, “Where did this whole year go? I feel like I just got here!” I always go home and feel like I’ve been gone for a weekend...but its been 8 and a half months. 8 and a have months of a damn good time.

i lead a very blessed life.

...‘nuff said. I am so so so grateful

Obviously, I’ve learned a lot of other really small things, like ladies can have beards too, how to give a chihuahua a bath in the dorm sink, what to do when a friend slices off the top of her toe, and how to shave your legs in a shower that is box sized. I could list the little but memorable things like how pillow talk with Dylan after a wild night is perfectly acceptable, jet skiing and cliff jumping in Havasu with the greatest and most inspirational group of girls, learning to deal with Claire’s sleep talking/walking, and the blind bird that chirps outside our window at 2 in the morning. But i don’t wanna bore you...those are more of the “you had to be there” moments. :)

Don’t get me wrong, I learned stuff in the sometimes interesting but more often dreadfully boring classes I attended all year...but sometimes those lessons just aren’t as important as the lessons that life itself teaches you. College isn’t just class, its a total experience.

Freshman year was pretty sweet, I’d say. I’m ready for round two, but first - summer, here I come. Thank the big guy upstairs for that one! :)

Oh, hey there, Thursday

sometimes that which weighs heavily on your heart shows up when you least expect it to.

why is it so hard for me to go after something that i want so bad?

i know what i want.

i know what i need to do.

i know what i have to say.

when i boil it down to those basics, it's really quite simple...just like it's supposed to be. but then why does it feel like the hardest thing i've ever had to say?

my heart's not broken.

it's battered and bruised.

my heart's not broken.

it's tired and used.

which of course is the real reason it's not as simple as it should be. no one ever wants to feel like they're second best, so why risk the possibility of being made to feel that way?

maybe because of that 1% chance...

maybe because it's even harder to just give up...

maybe because of that little thing called HOPE that just doesn't go away...

maybe because feelings like this are worth taking that risk for.

Curiouser and Curiouser

thanks, Alice, for describing exactly how i feel on a daily basis!

i've always been a curious kid, but lately i feel like the more curious i get about certain things and the more knowledge i gain, the more curious i become and the more i feel like i have to learn. ask any of my friends, most of them would say that i need to be given a "question limit" per day. when do i know i've reached that limit? i get an exasperated "i don't know, courtney!" or a annoyed "just because!" - neither of which are acceptable answers, so i always end up looking somewhere else.

i also have a hard time understanding why everyone isn't as curious as me. its quite obvious to me, when there's so much to know, how could you not be curious?! but some people just aren't that way. some people are ok with knowing what they know and not knowing what they don't.

of course...curiosity comes with its drawbacks. sometimes my curiosity gets me in trouble, or leaves me with more than i wanted to know. sometimes what i learn makes me sad, or mad, or scared. but i've started to learn which questions in my head will lead to those final emotions, and which will lead me on a quest for more knowledge and more answers to the various questions that pop up along the way. it's a curse and a blessing, but i'd take it any day over being passive and not ever wondering.

"The whole art of teaching is only the art of awakening the natural curiosity of young minds for the purpose of satisfying it aftwards." - Anatole France

Thats the kind of teacher I want to be.

Well this is new...

i'm not quite sure how i feel about this yet. i never thought blogging was really that big of a deal - personally, i don't care whether or not people read what i have to say. actually, i'm pretty sure most people don't care.
my life isn't that terribly unordinary.
i'm not that tremendous of a writer.
i don't have some talent or topic that i desire to share with the world.
i haven't undergone any huge tragedies.

i'm a normal girl who just needs to write, whether it be profound, ridiculous, or typical. i don't care how many fans i have, i don't need to feel that anyone in particular is reading this - in fact i probably will keep it to myself for a while. i just need a way to express myself. i've never been good at keeping journals, but i'm on the computer a lot...so maybe this will work.

i love quotes - about everything.
i live off of laughter.
i don't like to use capital letters.
i have mood swings that i don't always fully understand.
i'm actually still a five year old at heart, and not in the sense that i'm immature.
i often ramble on for far too long about something that could have been explained in a sentence or less.
i'm learning how to speak my mind.

that's what you can expect from this, if you should happen to stumble upon it.

it's weird writing to this metaphorical "you." it makes me feel like someone's listening, even if no one really is.

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."