It's one of those 'I refuse to do my hair' sort of days.

you know what i mean? i was lazy enough and i just sat and looked at it for long enough that not only was a bun and a head band the only thing i had any time for, but it seemed to be the only thing that was worth my time at all. i'm just very restless today, i've got a lot on my mind, and something like doing my hair just seemed so trivial. well, if we're going to get specific, even getting out of bed seemed trivial today, i could have been content with lying in bed and just thinking all day because that is truly what i feel like i need to do.

i'm driving myself mad though...with all this thinking. i suppose it's good for me to get up and go do things that have to be done, because it gives me a break from all this thinking. but then, it's not a total break because all it takes is one thing as a reminder before i find myself off in my own little world again, zoned out to what i really should be paying attention to. even as i'm writing this, i have various other windows open with lists of things i need to do and things i need to say, music that reminds me of other things, and my brain spinning around through it all plus some little side details. it's rather exhausting. i can't help but think it would be at least a tiny bit mellower without the 'final-month-of-the-semester' stresses.

i was supposed to be doing my quiet day today, but i woke up this morning and for whatever reason, i just knew today was not the day. i've been struggling with being alone with myself lately, and i knew that a day of isolating myself from communicating with my friends wouldn't be what was best for me right now. i've been toying with the idea of if me choosing not to do it on the day i had planned is really defeating the purpose. but i don't think it is. today is a day where i have a lot more mandatory communication than other days, which is one reason i think a day with more typical silence-fillers would be fitting. but also, sometimes you really just do have to take care of yourself first right? i could take that advice in more than one aspect of my life right now...but we know how good i am at taking my own advice.

you know what else is funny? say, you want to talk to someone about something. but you're afraid how they will react to it, or if they'll even be willing to talk to you at all. you come up with all the possibilities of what could go wrong in your head - they could get mad at you, it could ruin your friendship, they could see it as totally different than you do, you could totally mess up everything you wanted to say, etc. but if you try and reverse the roles, like if you say "well, what if [so and so] wanted to talk to me about this? how would i respond?" you know that none of those terrible things would happen. you wouldn't get mad at them, you wouldn't allow something like that to mess anything up, and you would be totally understanding.

but somehow that isn't enough to convince you that what you have to say is okay. what the heck. the human brain is so strange, well at least my human brain. sigh.