Separate Spheres

I feel very independent right now. Not alone, just not dependent on other people. I don't feel that my happiness is resting in anyone else's hands...and that's kind of a big deal. Given, it hasn't been without some heartbreak and disappointment that I've made it to this point, but I wouldn't be here now if I hadn't gone through all that then.

It's taught me that I should never depend that heavily on someone else to control my mood or how I look at life each day. This is all pretty new and recent for me, and it's taken some time for me to get used to it. For a while I felt like something was missing. I reached out for the things and people that used to be in control of my happiness, trying to cling to ideas that were really already gone. I didn't know what to do because it took me some time to understand what was happening.

Then it hit me. I could just be happy because I wanted to be happy. Not because something was in my possession, or because someone else was happy or had said or done something that warranted me being happy. Doing my own thing and doing what I wanted to do was suddenly enough; I was free from the burden of worrying how my actions may effect an outcome that was never guaranteed anyway. I don't know when I started living in that small little bubble of people-pleasing, but it feels nice to break away from that a little.

Don't get me wrong, I still love making people happy. I love putting smiles on peoples' faces and being able to shine a little sunlight on their day if I can. But I now know that it is okay for my happiness to be separate from theirs.

"I'm on my own two feet. Learning to stand, to walk, learning to dance."

-John Edgar Wideman