I'm still here!

School. You know how it is. This semester is nutty...but it's already almost midterm time! Come winter break, I have only one more semester of my undergraduate college career! Wowzers. Time flies, huh?

I'm taking a moment to write today because I've been thinking about it a lot lately AND I got two classes cancelled on what is typically my busiest day of the week. So I figured I could find some time for a nice little post.

Let me catch my self up before I get back to writing philosophical things...

I have a wonderful, magnificent, cute and loving boyfriend who I can most definitely say that I am head over heals in love with. As of a couple days ago we've been together for five months - five easy, fun, and surprising months that I wouldn't trade for anything else. I'm so excited about the future of our relationship...it feels like everything I've ever wanted and then a little bit extra. :)

I'm working on changing my relationship with food. I know that sounds random and strange, but something changed with me over the last summer and I'm not okay with it and it's reeeeeal hard to change. I just started eating what I wanted when I wanted and not caring about nutritional value...I just wanted things that satisfied my sweet tooth and I got really lazy with myself in caring about the choices of things I was putting into my body. It's like, I went to Costa Rica and ate beautifully for 5 weeks and enjoyed every minute of it, but somehow still turned a complete 180 as soon as I got home. And I didn't even seem to care! Until now. I'm trying to learn how to tell myself "no, you don't need it" again. I'm trying to find motivation to work out again, because I know how I should look and how I want to look and it wasn't what I let myself fall to over summer.

That being said, I signed up for my first 5k ever! It's here at my school on homecoming weekend (in TWO weeks!) and I mostly only signed up because I found out I wouldn't have to pay. But! It has given me motivation to keep running over the last week and the next couple weeks...let's hope I can hang on to the motivation after this race is over. My ideal goal - that I think I need to make less of an ideal and more of a reality - is to do a sprint triathlon. We'll see...

School is hard. But I'm still happy to be doing what I'm doing. My classes aren't bad this semester, just a lot of overlap and some real busy Tuesdays haha. Spanish is the tough one, but again, it's a challenge that I'm accepting willingly and happy to participate in because it's new and it's interesting and it's not easy for me. This is the first year I've taken an actual subject matter class (Literature) in the Spanish language and not been only learning the language. It's hard but I can feel my comprehension level rising at a satisfying rate. And I feel like it was the perfect class for me to transition into after Costa Rica, where I did a little bit of literature study. I wish I could speak more, but I think I'll get more of that in Linguistics next semester. I need to work on vocabulary, that's my real problem. I need to find time to practice and study the language more so that I can be at the level I want to be at.

I'm still helping in kindergarten...but the more I'm there this year, the more I've been thinking about the appeal of first grade. Don't get me wrong, I still love kindergarten. But some days I find myself thinking about the few days I spent in first grade last semester and how much I enjoyed it. I'm looking forward to doing some more observations at that level this year with a different teacher and seeing if I still see the same appeal in it.

My dad is doing a lot better...but I still worry about him. I'll find myself thinking about the possibility of something happening to him, or my mom, while I'm here at school...how I'd get home as quickly as possible, what I could do to help, etc...and I have to snap myself out of it. The cardiologist says everything looks great. But that isn't going to stop me from worrying, especially now that I'm not living in the house anymore. As much as I distance myself from my family, it doesn't mean I don't love them. It's taken me a while to realize it but my independence isn't in defiance of my family; it's just who I am, and who I am is partly a result of how well they raised me. I've always been a little independent in nature, but they helped me develop on that in an efficient and long-term way so that I could be as reliant on myself as I am now.

So that's that. I know I say it a lot, but I'm trying to get back into this. Homework load isn't too big this year...it's just a test of my time management skills. So if I can get some of that under control....I'll be back real soon. :)

What a Summer

I'm writing from the Starbucks patio in Thousand Oaks, sipping a Passion Tea in the sun and patiently wishing that it was already time to move back in to school. Passion Tea...why is it called that? If that's what passion tastes like, then no wonder I feel like I've got so much of it.

Passion for life in general you know. This summer has given me a lot of opportunities to realize how much there is to love about life and to love about my life and the potential that all life holds.

 I went to Costa Rica this summer where I experienced the richness of living life in an almost completely natural way with little to no need for anything materialistic. I saw people living with what seemed to be absolutely nothing, but they still walked with smiles on their faces and joy in their hearts because they were alive and able to enjoy the beauty that surrounded them. I want that. I want that all the time; I want to grab onto it and hold that feeling close to me forever so that I never lose it. I want that life for myself and I know that I'm capable of having it. I didn't finish exploring Costa Rica to the depths that I know I want to, which is why I know I'll be back. But even with what I did get to experience, I felt myself be shaken awake from the complacency I'd settled into here at home.

My dad had a heart attack two weeks ago. MY dad. My 56 year old dad who runs trails up in Arroyo two or three times every week, golfs and eats relatively healthy for someone who is as busy as he is. Talk about an absolute shock to the system. Thank God that there were some angels watching over him that day as I sat clueless in Los Angeles complaining about the heat and my co-workers. I can't say that I've ever been so scared in my whole life as I was when I came home and the answer to "Where's Dad?" was "Courtney, he's in the hospital. He had a heart attack this morning." I've never felt such an immediate pull to need to be somewhere with someone as soon as humanly possible as I did that afternoon. I could have lost my dad that day. And if that doesn't scare the shit out of you and make you value life and time with those you love that I don't know what will.

I spend a good portion of every day of my life with children. I teach swim lessons in the mornings, I guard open swim in the afternoon, and I go coach age-group swimming in the evening. How blessed am I to have decided what I want to do with my life and how I want to spend my career-life; I will be in a career that keeps me young and energetic and reminds me why it is important to have so much passion. Not to mention if I ever feel I'm losing some passion and need a refresher, it only takes a few minutes with a group of kids to reinvigorate a zest for life.

Moral of the story: it was a good summer. I've got some new appreciations and I'm proud of the direction that I'm going in my life - mentally and physically. Life is a beautiful thing.

The Dynamics Have Changed

But nothing makes my heart hurt like seeing my best friend's name show up on caller ID when he's across the country. It sounds terrible to say he never calls unless something is wrong, but it's true. I'm by no means bitter about that; we can text and Facebook chat for days bantering back and forth. When he's home and he calls me - he's bored and wants to go do something. But it's those months that he's away that phone calls turn into worries.

I wouldn't want it any other way, I'm glad that he calls me when he's having a rough day. I just wish that there was more that I could do for him; I will always wish that. No matter where I'm at in my life, no matter how many days have passed without us talking, no matter how far away he is...I will always wish that there was more that I could do for him.

I haven't worn make-up in six days.

My hair is chlorine blonde.
My only laundry is a couple work uniforms.
I've got some sweet tan lines (sarcasm intended on the "sweet" part).
I ran 2.5 miles last night.
I've finished the Hunger Games series.
Boyfriend is coming up for an adventure weekend on Friday.
That pretty much sums up summer. :) I can't complain.

Oh yeah, and I went to Costa Rica for the first five weeks of summer. Which explains my extended absence from this blog, as I was tumblr-ing only on my Travel Blog. I'm behind on my final post on that blog too, but it will be there soon. I could talk about my adventures there for forever, but you should just check it out for yourself instead if you're curious - junioencostarica2012.tumblr.com .

I've been in a little funk for the last week because I'm in love with my life but I'm not in love with my current situation. I love my family but I am absolutely not content with living at home. I love Ventura but it is not where I want to be for the rest of my life. I don't want to force myself to be here for so long that I end up resenting everything about it. And sometimes I struggle a little bit because that's what I feel that I'm doing here. I'm so adamant about not being like the majority of people here who grow up and just settle for the same lives that their parents lead in the same town with the same people. That's not me. And Costa Rica really only reinforced that point in my mind. I'm not made to stay here and I'm definitely not made to live with my parents any more. It's not doing good things for our already consistently strained relationship.

So I'm doing what I can to enjoy summer. But I miss everything about school, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't counting down the days until I move back into Grace and resume the life that feels as if it has been put on hold since the moment I returned from Costa Rica.

The biggest difference between this summer and last summer is that I don't feel as if I'm lost. I don't feel like I'm doing soul searching this summer, like the last few summers have afforded me to. Because I don't need to do any more. I know who I am. I know what I want. I don't know where my life is going or where life will take me, but I'm okay with that. I'm confident enough to just go with it and let it take me where it takes me. I can deal with each new situation as it comes my way. And I absolutely cannot express how wonderful it feels to be at that position in my life.

Hey, guess what?

I'm coming back. :)
Life is mellowing down and my mind and my hands are itching to write.
Stay tuned!

This is my life

I'm leaving for Costa Rica in 12 days. I will be there for a little over a month, taking Spanish class and having the adventure of a lifetime.

I have a boy who told me that he wants us to be exclusive for the summer, come back in the fall and make everything official. He goes out of his way to talk to me, he's taken me on dates, and he wants to be around me as much as I want to be around him.

I have officially earned enough money to pay for my trip to Costa Rica. I worked my butt off for the last semester, and it has actually paid off.

I unpacked a semester's worth of crap in under two days. Boo yahhh.

I'm laying in my ginormous bed contemplating whether I want to swim and then read out in the sun tomorrow, or read in the sun and then swim. Right?

Life is good.

When you least expect it...

Well what do ya know? I stop looking, I get frustrated and mad at myself and POOF! Something with potential. A boy with potential. I am now 100% a believer that these things happen when you least expect it; because clearly, by my last post, I was absolutely not expecting this. If you don't want to listen to me be a giddy girl, stop reading right.....now.


My mind is absolutely blown. I'm still having a rough time with accepting that it's okay for someone to actually be this nice to me. Like, it's okay for me to have butterflies and want to talk to someone. I don't absolutely have to be as independent as I have been for the last few months. I deserve to be treated respectfully by a boy, not as a convenience but as a valued part of someone's day. We've done absolutely nothing but hang out and talk and get to know each other. It started with a group of people, and now we're pretty comfortable just hanging out by ourselves. And as much as a part of me is sometimes like, "Oh my gosh, this is moving so slowly," I'm glad that it is. I'm not in a rush for anything. I don't want a strong commitment right now - I'm about to spend a month of my life having the time of my life in Costa Rica. But I just feel so comfortable; I don't feel like I have to try and be someone I'm not. I don't feel like I have to dress to impress all the time. My roommate was joking with me today before he came over with help on homework and she said, "You're nervous!" and I replied with, "No, I'm not nervous at all and that's the part that's really strange!" Conversation flows easily. He can take my sass and he can dish it back at me, without being a douche bag about it. We can be serious and we can be funny.

Don't worry. I'm not getting ahead of myself. I do realize school is over in two weeks and that I'm leaving for Costa Rica in four. But I'm also not counting this one out entirely. Yeah...there's not a lot of time left now, but you never know what could happen in the next semester, right? Maybe it will be worth waiting the whole summer for. Or maybe it won't. You can't know for certain; it just takes time. I've just got a good feeling.

It still makes me nervous that I feel this way sometimes. I still get a little inkling to run because I know that I'm making myself vulnerable to be hurt. But even if I do get hurt...I lived through the first couple and I can make it through another one, if I have to. I know I can. I just gotta keep reminding myself of that. And I gotta remember to just take it one. day. at. a. time.

But in the mean time....EEEEEP!!!!! :D