i cried today.
today i stood up for myself and told a boy what my limits were and that they weren't going to change. instead of feeling empowered and satisfied with myself, i felt confused and scared and lost. i didn't get it. i knew that i'd done the right thing, but i felt so contradicted and i wasn't understanding why.
but i thought about it. and i realized that it had absolutely nothing to do with my decision to stick to my morals and everything to do with what i've experienced after sticking to my morals in the past. i'm so accustomed to having a guy say nice things to you, you telling him you're only willing to go so far, and then him taking off. you realize he meant nothing and was just using you to get what he wanted.
so i got scared. i worried that everything this boy had said to me was a lie, just like the other ones, and now that i'd told him he'd only get so far...he would bail just like the other ones. i was prematurely prepping myself for what i felt was the inevitable. i've been working on not overthinking, and not stressing, and not getting attached...but some things are more ingrained than others and are thus harder to just get rid of. this feeling being one of those things.
however, upon telling him my fears and how i was feeling (once i was able to figure it out enough to put into words)...i got something that was far from the inevitable i was expecting. i got reassurance. i got sympathy. and i got comfort. three things i've been taught not to expect, and from those i encountered and overwhelming sense of relief.
and that is why i cried.
i have issues. i'm not trusting, i am fearful, and i'm very far from perfect. but if you give me a reason to try, i promise i will. i'm learning...but i have to find someone who is willing to stick with me through it before i can make any progress.
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