An Optimistic Pessimist

is that allowed? is it possible to be both at the same time? well, not really at the same time, but to possess both entities in a single self?

a friend of mine once told me the biggest difference between the two of us was that i looked for so much good in the world that tries so hard to prove me wrong, that i had faith in the positive aspects of things despite the levels of negativity i encounter, and that i would never for settle something as just being "bad." which i find to be true - whenever a friend is sad or mad or upset over something, I always think in my head, "how can I make them feel better about the situation?" and thus, i pull out what i find to be the positive aspects. the problem is, not everyone sees the world in that light. it's mentally trying for me to try and help someone when they don't hold the same "positive outlook" that i do...it makes me sad; i feel like i can't help them when i know that i should be able to.

but maybe i should learn how to take my own advice. because while i may be wonderful at being optimistic for other people, i'm am a terribly pessimistic person in terms of myself. it's interesting to be that way. because so often i can look at my situation from an outside perspective and say, "well, if this were a friend of mine, i would tell them to do this. or i would try and help them in this way." but i'm very bad at listening to myself, and i have a lot of self-doubt. i'm working on it, i'm getting better. and maybe, if i was truly a more optimistic person to my core, it would reflect more on the outside.

i do love finding beauty in the world. i live to discover the little surprises that come when least expected. seeing others smile and be happy brings me joy. but maybe its time i start finding some beauty in myself, acknowledging those little surprise, and finding joy in my own smiles...and then maybe i won't always feel like such a hypocrite.

and please excuse the downer themes of my last few posts, i don't mean to sound like my life sucks. it's really quite wonderful, but often my thoughts come across this way, especially when they aren't all the way thought out yet. i have my struggles and i have my worries, but life is good and i'm grateful. as midterm/paper weeks wind down a little, i'll have some more time to myself to think some of these things through more. bear with me! :)