Big Ugly Monster(s)

i am not a jealous person, but there is one thing that gets under my skin and makes that big green ugly monster show up. every. single. time. i don't have a right to feel this way, its over a matter of which i have no more possession or right to than any one else. but it drives me absolutely mad. ignoring the underlying bigger issue that this is an indication of, it makes relatively no sense. sorry for the vagueness, but i'm not quite at a spot to blog about this and have it actually be coherent.

i feel that i'm dealing with a lot of big ugly monsters right now. they aren't all big maybe, but regardless of their size i feel like i'm in defense mode at all times right now. my hands are balled up, my eyes flitting, and my steps quick. i keep pushing those ugly monsters away, but maybe its time to let them in...one by one, and sit down and have a conversation with them. use my words instead of my fists like they teach you from the time you can talk. i've been dancing back and forth between pushing them all away and trying to let them all in at once; both tasks far too overwhelming.

maybe if i let one monster in at a time, allow him to make himself comfy and feel right at home, exchange words and have dialogue; maybe i will be able to communicate my assertiveness over him and thus, with no purpose in my life any longer he will just...poof...disappear. or at least shrink down to a minuscule and cowering little bugger who has virtually disappeared.