Swimming in a Lake of Thoughts

It's been a thoughtful weekend for me...between late nights and a lot of time spent curled up in bed to avoid the rain, I had a lot of time to ponder things that had been pushed around in my mind for quite some time. I did two things...or rather said two things...that were kind of a big deal for me.

Number one, I said what I needed to say to the unmentionable person from a post or two ago. I wanted to forgive him, I wanted to. But when I gave him the opportunity to redeem himself, or make it better...he dropped the ball again. And I realized, maybe this is one of those times that I need to not cave into what I want in the moment, and remember what I want in the long run. And what I want in the long run...sure as hell isn't him. I don't want to feel so replaceable; like a time filler. Sure, in the moment I can choose to remain blissfully unaware of that, but that never lasts.

Number two, I sent a message to someone that I really needed to say something to. I haven't heard back, but I wasn't really even sure if I should expect to - she's most likely having the time of her life right now with my best friend. I understand the priority of that, I just needed to say what I had to say so that she knew that I wasn't bitter. Have I been bitter? Yes, very much so. Overwhelmingly so at some times. Have I been angry with her actions? Definitely. But the simple fact is, she makes my best friend happier than anyone else can - and I want that for him. He deserves to feel as much love as he can from this world, and I know that she is responsible for a good portion of that love. Her and I will never be best friends, but I'd be stupid to hold this grudge for the rest of my life. And the second part of it is - I'm not him and I'm not her...I'm not supposed to understand why things happened the way they did because it's not my life. I have my own life to live, and if I can seem to let go of their past, everything is going beautifully for them right now. And for him, that's all I could possibly ask for. A sense of beauty, and love, and hope...and happiness.

I cried the night I wrote out both of these two very important things. It wasn't really a sad cry though. I don't know how to explain it...it was more of a cry of realization: that I was letting go and learning what I needed to do, and doing what I thought in my heart was best to do. At first I felt a little outside of my self, but then I realized it really was me, I wasn't making these decisions to please someone else. I was taking matters into my own hands and doing what I probably should have done sooner.

I'm cleaning up my life. I'm letting who I've always known I am come through. My optimism, my love, my hope...those things have never been gone, but I've been letting them get mixed up with a lot of other things like bitterness, jealousy, frustration, and resentment. That's what's been getting to me lately - all those things that aren't me have been driving me crazy. And for whatever reason, this weekend became the start of me getting back to me. And let me tell you, I don't think I've ever been so ready for something.