Get a Grip

Just when I thought that it was all over and I was moving on because it was required to happen; it was the only option - something changes again. And the one dysfunctional relationship I keep wishing to NOT happen in my favor, continues to do so. What are the odds?

I've had John Mayer's "Half of My Heart," stuck in my head since I woke up this morning. Coincidence? I think not. That's exactly how this relationship makes me feel. Like only half of my heart is invested in it. And the other half is skeptical and undetermined and closed off. Half of my heart adores the nights spent staying up late, talking about life, falling asleep feeling safe and protected. But the other half is turned off by the history, the life choices, and the next days. I war I thought I had gotten rid of, only to resurface about 2 months later when the military decides to be nice to me and the people in my life. THE ONE TIME that I would rather it be mean and brutal to my relationships with people, it goes the opposite way.

Philosopher me wants to say: so is that a sign? Rational me says: no that's just life. I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know and it is driving me bonkers.