Restless

I used to say that I went through phases of this. But those phases have gotten consistently longer until they eventually blended into a normalcy for my life. Restless is my constant companion. I'd like to attribute him to my knowledge of the upcoming Costa Rica trip, but I don't really know that it's just that. I have other things that I've been dwelling on that he takes as an open invitation to curl up next to my feet as I methodically work my way through homework and studying and projects and work.

Part of it is, I don't know where home is. That's a new one for me. Freshman and sophomore year of college, when I'd go back to my parents' house, I felt that that was home; that was where I belonged. But last summer, something changed. And this year has been different. When I'm at school, I want to go home. But when I'm at home, I want to be at school. Which, by using deductive reasoning, tells me that I don't really want to be at either place. I love my parents and I have both fond and not-so-fond memories of the town I grew up in - I have no hostility toward that. But I feel that I have outgrown it. That is my parents' home, a place that I go to visit. A school is a place that I go to learn, but it is only temporary.

And that makes me feel stuck. And there is nothing I hate more than being stuck. I want to move, I want to grow, I want to try new things, I want to act spontaneously, I want to love and be loved, I want to be challenged. I am so unchallenged right now that it sometimes makes me ache. Every day is the same stuff, but at this point, I don't really have a choice to drastically change that. I mean, I can make little changes, but I have to get my degree, I have to finish school so that I can have the life I want. And the little changes don't make me feel any less stuck.

I need my own home. But I don't know where that is. I want to go find it. But I'm tied to this temporary place because I want a specific future for myself that I know will present me with challenges daily. Who knew the road to the career with endless challenges would be so drab? I'm lacking a sense of belonging and I think that is what is truly making me restless. I'm happy with myself and the choices I've made and the person I'm becoming. And I'm proud of myself. But I am desperately in need of some spice, some variety, something to break this damn monotony that I've been circling around for the past year.

Imagine you're stuck in a desert and you've been walking for hours with nothing to drink. Finally, you emerge and find yourself at this restaurant where you order a nice cold glass of water, but the waiter says, "Sorry you can't drink that yet, you have to wait." It's just outside of an arms reach for you, and you just have to stare at it and wait. And wait. And wait. Rough stuff, right? That's me and Costa Rica.

Restless has unpacked his suitcase and set up a bed on my bedroom floor. He knows when I wake up, he knows when I leave, he knows my class schedule, he knows when I work, and he even knows when I go to the gym. He wakes up to my alarm, he follows me out the door, he sits beside me in class, he watches me work, and he chases me...no matter how much I try to run away from him, he's always right there behind me. However, I've heard he has a fear of flying...someone help me get my feet off the ground...