Money on the Mind

Here's whats happening in my brain.

My mother has a lot of health issues and needs a multitude of surgeries. She probably could have had at least one or two by now...if my family hadn't been contributing so much to my yearly payments for my education at the university of my choice. It's not getting any better or easier for her and I'd being lying if I said I didn't feel guilty. She would kill me if she heard me say that, but I feel like something would be wrong with me if I didn't feel that way. It took me a while to feel the real guilt...like the last few years it was kind of there, but I would still let them buy things for me when I was home. But for some reason this year it really settled in. And I know feel like I absolutely cannot let them continue to contribute to my education. I do not want to be a financial burden to them any longer. I do not want myself to be on the list of reasons why my mother hasn't had the surgeries that she needs.

It's a big reason as to why I've changed the scope of what branch of the teaching profession I'd like to go into. It's a huge reason for why I find myself looking for a third job, yet again, for my second semester of the school year. I'm so close to paying off my debts to them. I told myself that once I no longer owe debts to them, I will allow myself to open up my own credit card so as to minimize any future need to borrow theirs to make purchases for school. I'm looking into different credential programs that allow me to work or attend grad school for free or a very discounted price, even if they will end up taking me a little longer to complete. I know that I will be happy working with children, as long as they are involved in my career, so why not try out some new roads?

I feel very burdened. Again, I know that isn't how my family intends for me to feel, but I'm not sure what they really expected to happen. I feel so heavy, as if there were a literal weight on my shoulders. It's stressing me out and adding pressures to my life that I'm not equipped to handle at the moment, with so many other things going on. I already feel like I'm drowning in school work - other people are talking like they can see the light at the end of the semester, but all I can see are the piles and piles of things I need to get done before then.

Everything is blurry. I'm freaking out about my financial situation and the financial situation of my family and its fuzzing up everything else about my life. I'm being insecure in my relationship because I'm deflecting my stresses onto something that, in the moment, feels easier to struggle with. I need him to reach out and understand that my being this way has nothing to do with him or my feelings toward him...because those things are all the same. I need him to know that I feel like I'm drowning in other aspects of my life and I'm scared that he's not going to be patient enough to wait for me to come back up to the surface to breathe.