Gratefulness Round 2

"I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person."

-Audrey Hepburn

Today I'm feeling grateful that I am able to smile and laugh. And I'm even more grateful to have people in my life that can genuinely make me do so. People always say it doesn't take much to get me to laugh...I like that. I like being able to smile and enjoy the company of others. I don't have much else to elaborate on for this one. I'm just glad I can. :)

I know what's wrong!

I forgot to just love life.

A shower epiphany, of all things. I've been looking for love too much. Looking for validation, looking for reciprocated feelings, looking for something that is nearly impossible to find if you are really looking. If I'm looking for satisfaction in loving others who don't love me back, of course I'm going to feel off-kilter!

I can't make anyone love me.

I can't control the involvement anyone is going to let me have in their life.

I can't fully dictate what all people are going to think of me.

I can remember how much joy the simple things bring.

I can take everything one day at a time.

I can get out and do things for myself that are going to make me happy.

No, it's not going to satisfy the romantic in me and give me that idealistic happiness that I'm really longing for. But I can't rush that, I can't force that. That will happen when it happens and I have to accept that. It's no longer an option for me to not. I love life, and I never fell out of love with it. I just forgot a little. It might be slow going along and getting back to that point, but it's better than staying where I am now.

Hello, Life. I'm sorry for neglecting you for so long. But part of the reason we are so compatible is because we are both overly forgiving. I know you'll welcome me back, even if I don't deserve it. I won't make you regret it.

Dear Future Boyfriend,

Please forgive me. I have my walls built up to the sky. I hope you're really here to break them down, brick by brick. Don't try to come crashing through all at once, I'll run away. I'm willing to try my hardest to get back to being the girlfriend that I know I can be, but I need you to be patient with me.

I want to trust you. I want to love you, freely and openly and without hesitation. I want to show you how much I have to offer. I want to drop my insecurities and know that you will love me for me, not just as a girl who can be a place holder until something better comes along. I want to believe you won't cheat on me, or lie to me, or lie about me. I want to believe that I deserve to be loved.

I need you to prove to me, in the face of my growing doubt, that all those wants are realistic. Please.

Love,

Me

Gratefulness Round 1

I am grateful for a job where I'm able to have a significant impact on the lives of children. I don't have them for very long each day, and I don't have them for very many days in a row, but I make sure that every half hour I have them, every week day, for two weeks, is a place where they can smile and laugh and have fun. I don't know their lives, I don't know what they go home to after. It could be a loving and caring family, or it could be a life of hardship and neglect. But neglect is not something they will ever experience in one of my classes.

Yes, I do take my job very seriously, and that is part of the reason it's so hard for me to get along with a vast majority of my co-workers. It's not just doing what's necessary to get a pay check for me. It's an experience and one that I refuse to take for granted. Even as a swim instructor for two weeks, you can have a lasting impact on a kid's life. I still remember my first swim instructors - the ones that I liked best. And I remember why I liked them best; it's the very same reason I have favorite teachers. They made it fun and they seemed like they actually cared that I was there and a valuable part of their class.

It is honestly one of the most rewarding things. To watch a kid smile and laugh during your class, or to see that light-bulb moment, when they suddenly just "get it." That's the reason I keep coming back and doing this every summer. It trumps all the drama, all the frustrations.

Absent.

I'm having a rough time this summer. I can't figure out what it is. I keep thinking I just need an attitude check, but that really isn't even cutting it for me. Something just feels off. I feel very disconnected, without an urge to really be connected. If that even makes any sense at all.

I'm not even sure why I'm blogging. I haven't been recently because I feel like nothing I have to write is of any worth or depth. I'm boring myself. I'm writing, but I don't know what about...roaming through my thoughts, and although there are plenty of them, there's not a whole lot that I'm coming up with. Maybe I got lost.

I need some sort of goal for writing. I think...I'm going to start writing what I'm thankful for every day for a while. For the rest of this month, and farther if I feel like it's beneficial. Maybe if I remember all the beauty I have, even when all I'm seeing is the blah, I'll feel a little less apathetic.

I know this isn't me. Something is missing.

Dangerous Waters

I know I'm in them. But I'm being very careful - making sure not to cross any lines, checking myself to make sure I'm sticking to my morals. And I am. I'm not doing anything that I think is wrong; and I think I have a pretty strong set of morals and values, if I do say so myself.

People are going to talk no matter what I do. People are going to assume, people are going to think they know the ins and the outs and all the details in between. I understand that. But why do I have to let that affect the way I live my life? Oh, that's right...I don't.

I refuse to stop being friends with someone just because people are going to talk. They can talk all they want. I'm not going to fight them, because they really don't know. They don't know the situation, and they don't know me. If they really don't even know me, who am I to tell them what to think about me if they aren't going to take the opportunity to really get to know me? The specific people in this situation...I really could care less what they have to say about me. I know who my friends are. And I'm comfortable enough in that.

It's not that I don't care. I still do, a lot more than I should. I probably always will care about what people say about me, unless by some miraculous turn of events I acquire unbelievable amounts of self-confidence. I'm not saying it doesn't hurt to hear people say things that I know aren't true. But I just have to stomach it; take it with a smile and move on.

At least, this is how I feel right now. With the ideal that it's not going to get any worse than it is right now. Fingers crossed.

well shoot.

this all just went from bad to worse.

i need to learn how to not give a shit about what people say or think about me.