el Internet

I have such a love/hate relationship with the Internet. I'm continually disgusted with what I see on it and how much of a time-suck it is, and then I go through this period where I disable the FB and keep my computer shut for days at a time. And it's great! I'm so much more productive with my time, I get more done, I find better things to do. But one way or another...I always end up back on, for many more hours than I need to be at that. I should specifically point out that the love hate relationship is mostly just with social networking. I even disgust myself with how much time I spend sitting on some of these sites.

I've blogged about this before, all the useless stuff I see people I know and people I don't know broadcasting to the world wide web. I'm guilty of it too, although I have definitely toned it down greatly. But when the biggest problem in your life is that Facebook changed its set-up again and you can't figure it out and you liked the old way better...I think that's when its time to get off the computer and go get a life. If that's what you're able to have a ten minute discussion about...well...I rest my case.

I feel like I'm on the verge of another social-networking vacation. Will it be permanent? Probably not; I'm not going to kid myself. But I've got better things to do. Like go buy a pumpkin and be a coach dressed up like a bumble bee for two hours for twenty 9-10 year olds hopped up on sugar. Better than reading about Jane's drunken mishaps from the night before and Bob's annoying English teacher? Absolutely.

Separate Spheres

I feel very independent right now. Not alone, just not dependent on other people. I don't feel that my happiness is resting in anyone else's hands...and that's kind of a big deal. Given, it hasn't been without some heartbreak and disappointment that I've made it to this point, but I wouldn't be here now if I hadn't gone through all that then.

It's taught me that I should never depend that heavily on someone else to control my mood or how I look at life each day. This is all pretty new and recent for me, and it's taken some time for me to get used to it. For a while I felt like something was missing. I reached out for the things and people that used to be in control of my happiness, trying to cling to ideas that were really already gone. I didn't know what to do because it took me some time to understand what was happening.

Then it hit me. I could just be happy because I wanted to be happy. Not because something was in my possession, or because someone else was happy or had said or done something that warranted me being happy. Doing my own thing and doing what I wanted to do was suddenly enough; I was free from the burden of worrying how my actions may effect an outcome that was never guaranteed anyway. I don't know when I started living in that small little bubble of people-pleasing, but it feels nice to break away from that a little.

Don't get me wrong, I still love making people happy. I love putting smiles on peoples' faces and being able to shine a little sunlight on their day if I can. But I now know that it is okay for my happiness to be separate from theirs.

"I'm on my own two feet. Learning to stand, to walk, learning to dance."

-John Edgar Wideman

Trials and Tribulations of a 5-year-old

Never has a day come up where I said to myself, "I don't really feel like going to volunteer at kindergarten today." Never. They are consistently the highlight of my week (and no, not just because they always like to hug me and tell me how pretty I am and how much they like my hair, clothes, etc...although I won't deny that is a perk). Whether my day has been going wonderfully or horribly, it doesn't matter once I get there; any worries or concerns just disappear the minute I walk in the door of room 3 and see those 28 smiling faces.

I'm going four hours a week this semester because that was all I could fit into my schedule, but if everything goes according to plan, I'll be there eight hours a week next semester. I just don't even have the words to explain how rewarding it is to be there and experience the year with them, to watch them grow, to watch them learn how to do something new, to see how enthusiastic they are to learn, and how eager they are for attention. It's so refreshing and heart-warming. It just lifts my spirits and clears my mind like nothing else.

It's making me so excited to finish school and start my career. I planned out the next year and a half of my academic life today and now I'm even more excited. However, I know not to wish away the days waiting for something to happen, so don't think I'm going all futuristic mindset-ed on you here. I'm still adoring my life in the here and now, no worries. I think I'm just ready for a little spice. :)

"Love is telling people what they need to hear, not what they want to hear."

The Potential for Something New and Exciting

One month. Language intensive program. Costa Rica.

Do you know how much of my yearnings to learn that would satisfy at one time? More than I can even keep track of. It's an opportunity of a lifetime. And I am so determined to make it a reality.

With this program I would travel there for a month, live with a host family, and attend approximately 4 hours of class, Monday through Friday. All Spanish. It would take care of the rest of my language requirements for my Spanish minor. I keep trying to wrap my mind around how wild it would be to use only Spanish for a month, no need for English. It's a strange concept that I actually think about quite often; I sometimes find myself writing out the Spanish word for certain things when I'm supposed to be writing in English, or occasionally I'll stumble over some words when I'm talking, not because I can't say it, but because I start to say it in the wrong language. All of that, just from taking some classes here in the United States. But how powerful would it be to speak nothing but Spanish for a month, and then return here and go back to using English? It blows my mind.

I want to learn to speak Spanish fluently, I want to be able to use that in applying for a job and in my career. I want to be able to teach my children than English is not the only, nor the first, language in the world. And also, I desperately want to travel. This used to be a want that has turned into a need, a need that is becoming increasingly hard to ignore. I want to experience things outside of my daily life. I want to step out of my comfort zone and try something foreign and exciting. I need to, I need to get unstuck, I need to get inspired.

It's not going to be easy to make this happen. It's going to take a lot of extra work over the next few months for me to make sure this is going to work out, but I can do it. I can make it happen because I know this is something I may never have the opportunity for again. Determination.

Happy Birthday, Roo!

When I was 11 years old my family moved into my deceased grandmother's house and I started a new life in a new place where I knew no one. My parents knew some other parents in the neighborhood, and one family in particular had a girl my age. Our parents forced us to hang out against our will. We reluctantly played with an egg-shaped ball and said awkward things to each other. And from that moment on, I've been blessed to call her my best friend. Over nine years later, and not without it's peaks and valleys, we've both matured into young adults.

We made it through middle school, high school, and so far three years of being college roommates after everyone told us we were going to ruin our friendship by rooming together. We told them they were wrong. We stood up against what they said and did our own thing; have we really ever been any different? Are either of us the type to let someone tell us "no" or "you can't"? I don't think so. Different as we are, it's basic things like that that keep us together. And when one of us forgets to be confident? Forgets to have faith? Forgets to love? That's where the other one comes in - to remind, to strengthen, and to support. That's why what we have is timeless, priceless. We've learned together, we've struggled together, and we've grown together for nine years. NINE. Nothing can ever take that away.

Happy 20th Birthday, Cluh. I love you and I know that we'll still be close to celebrate 30 and 40 and 50 and 60 and 70 and 80 and 90 and 100 for sure, eating all the junk we want and laughing as loud as we want and being as silly as we want, not giving a single care about how crazy we look to anyone else. I value your friendship more than you know and I can't wait to keep experiencing life together!

xoxo...garden gnome. ;)

Stopping to Breathe

This week has been a test. A test of my patience, a test of my dedication, and most of all a test of this soul-searching I've been doing over the past few months. It's challenging, to build these great foundations when you're at a great spot in your life and to keep them even when things aren't feeling quite as great. That's what makes them stronger, what builds you up.  These last seven days have had a lot of character building in them - early mornings, late nights, mental battles and actual loss. But I'm still here, I'm still alive. And although I'm weary and exhausted, I feel accomplished because I didn't fall apart. I proved something to myself, and I consider that to be a huge step in this journey that I'm on. It took a little reminder at a particularly low point in the week - my insecurities reflected in a small portion of my life during a conversation with the bestie - but at that point I remembered I was loved and I had so much love to give. The little things piled up and sucked this week...but I had to remember to keep it in perspective. So I took an evening to calm myself down, refocus, and prepare to push through the rest of the week. I'm proud of myself.

That said, even though I have mountains of things I need to get done before next Monday, I'm taking this evening off...as a reward to myself and to give my brain some time to slow down. At least for a little while. :)