What a Summer

I'm writing from the Starbucks patio in Thousand Oaks, sipping a Passion Tea in the sun and patiently wishing that it was already time to move back in to school. Passion Tea...why is it called that? If that's what passion tastes like, then no wonder I feel like I've got so much of it.

Passion for life in general you know. This summer has given me a lot of opportunities to realize how much there is to love about life and to love about my life and the potential that all life holds.

 I went to Costa Rica this summer where I experienced the richness of living life in an almost completely natural way with little to no need for anything materialistic. I saw people living with what seemed to be absolutely nothing, but they still walked with smiles on their faces and joy in their hearts because they were alive and able to enjoy the beauty that surrounded them. I want that. I want that all the time; I want to grab onto it and hold that feeling close to me forever so that I never lose it. I want that life for myself and I know that I'm capable of having it. I didn't finish exploring Costa Rica to the depths that I know I want to, which is why I know I'll be back. But even with what I did get to experience, I felt myself be shaken awake from the complacency I'd settled into here at home.

My dad had a heart attack two weeks ago. MY dad. My 56 year old dad who runs trails up in Arroyo two or three times every week, golfs and eats relatively healthy for someone who is as busy as he is. Talk about an absolute shock to the system. Thank God that there were some angels watching over him that day as I sat clueless in Los Angeles complaining about the heat and my co-workers. I can't say that I've ever been so scared in my whole life as I was when I came home and the answer to "Where's Dad?" was "Courtney, he's in the hospital. He had a heart attack this morning." I've never felt such an immediate pull to need to be somewhere with someone as soon as humanly possible as I did that afternoon. I could have lost my dad that day. And if that doesn't scare the shit out of you and make you value life and time with those you love that I don't know what will.

I spend a good portion of every day of my life with children. I teach swim lessons in the mornings, I guard open swim in the afternoon, and I go coach age-group swimming in the evening. How blessed am I to have decided what I want to do with my life and how I want to spend my career-life; I will be in a career that keeps me young and energetic and reminds me why it is important to have so much passion. Not to mention if I ever feel I'm losing some passion and need a refresher, it only takes a few minutes with a group of kids to reinvigorate a zest for life.

Moral of the story: it was a good summer. I've got some new appreciations and I'm proud of the direction that I'm going in my life - mentally and physically. Life is a beautiful thing.

The Dynamics Have Changed

But nothing makes my heart hurt like seeing my best friend's name show up on caller ID when he's across the country. It sounds terrible to say he never calls unless something is wrong, but it's true. I'm by no means bitter about that; we can text and Facebook chat for days bantering back and forth. When he's home and he calls me - he's bored and wants to go do something. But it's those months that he's away that phone calls turn into worries.

I wouldn't want it any other way, I'm glad that he calls me when he's having a rough day. I just wish that there was more that I could do for him; I will always wish that. No matter where I'm at in my life, no matter how many days have passed without us talking, no matter how far away he is...I will always wish that there was more that I could do for him.

I haven't worn make-up in six days.

My hair is chlorine blonde.
My only laundry is a couple work uniforms.
I've got some sweet tan lines (sarcasm intended on the "sweet" part).
I ran 2.5 miles last night.
I've finished the Hunger Games series.
Boyfriend is coming up for an adventure weekend on Friday.
That pretty much sums up summer. :) I can't complain.

Oh yeah, and I went to Costa Rica for the first five weeks of summer. Which explains my extended absence from this blog, as I was tumblr-ing only on my Travel Blog. I'm behind on my final post on that blog too, but it will be there soon. I could talk about my adventures there for forever, but you should just check it out for yourself instead if you're curious - junioencostarica2012.tumblr.com .

I've been in a little funk for the last week because I'm in love with my life but I'm not in love with my current situation. I love my family but I am absolutely not content with living at home. I love Ventura but it is not where I want to be for the rest of my life. I don't want to force myself to be here for so long that I end up resenting everything about it. And sometimes I struggle a little bit because that's what I feel that I'm doing here. I'm so adamant about not being like the majority of people here who grow up and just settle for the same lives that their parents lead in the same town with the same people. That's not me. And Costa Rica really only reinforced that point in my mind. I'm not made to stay here and I'm definitely not made to live with my parents any more. It's not doing good things for our already consistently strained relationship.

So I'm doing what I can to enjoy summer. But I miss everything about school, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't counting down the days until I move back into Grace and resume the life that feels as if it has been put on hold since the moment I returned from Costa Rica.

The biggest difference between this summer and last summer is that I don't feel as if I'm lost. I don't feel like I'm doing soul searching this summer, like the last few summers have afforded me to. Because I don't need to do any more. I know who I am. I know what I want. I don't know where my life is going or where life will take me, but I'm okay with that. I'm confident enough to just go with it and let it take me where it takes me. I can deal with each new situation as it comes my way. And I absolutely cannot express how wonderful it feels to be at that position in my life.

Hey, guess what?

I'm coming back. :)
Life is mellowing down and my mind and my hands are itching to write.
Stay tuned!

This is my life

I'm leaving for Costa Rica in 12 days. I will be there for a little over a month, taking Spanish class and having the adventure of a lifetime.

I have a boy who told me that he wants us to be exclusive for the summer, come back in the fall and make everything official. He goes out of his way to talk to me, he's taken me on dates, and he wants to be around me as much as I want to be around him.

I have officially earned enough money to pay for my trip to Costa Rica. I worked my butt off for the last semester, and it has actually paid off.

I unpacked a semester's worth of crap in under two days. Boo yahhh.

I'm laying in my ginormous bed contemplating whether I want to swim and then read out in the sun tomorrow, or read in the sun and then swim. Right?

Life is good.

When you least expect it...

Well what do ya know? I stop looking, I get frustrated and mad at myself and POOF! Something with potential. A boy with potential. I am now 100% a believer that these things happen when you least expect it; because clearly, by my last post, I was absolutely not expecting this. If you don't want to listen to me be a giddy girl, stop reading right.....now.


My mind is absolutely blown. I'm still having a rough time with accepting that it's okay for someone to actually be this nice to me. Like, it's okay for me to have butterflies and want to talk to someone. I don't absolutely have to be as independent as I have been for the last few months. I deserve to be treated respectfully by a boy, not as a convenience but as a valued part of someone's day. We've done absolutely nothing but hang out and talk and get to know each other. It started with a group of people, and now we're pretty comfortable just hanging out by ourselves. And as much as a part of me is sometimes like, "Oh my gosh, this is moving so slowly," I'm glad that it is. I'm not in a rush for anything. I don't want a strong commitment right now - I'm about to spend a month of my life having the time of my life in Costa Rica. But I just feel so comfortable; I don't feel like I have to try and be someone I'm not. I don't feel like I have to dress to impress all the time. My roommate was joking with me today before he came over with help on homework and she said, "You're nervous!" and I replied with, "No, I'm not nervous at all and that's the part that's really strange!" Conversation flows easily. He can take my sass and he can dish it back at me, without being a douche bag about it. We can be serious and we can be funny.

Don't worry. I'm not getting ahead of myself. I do realize school is over in two weeks and that I'm leaving for Costa Rica in four. But I'm also not counting this one out entirely. Yeah...there's not a lot of time left now, but you never know what could happen in the next semester, right? Maybe it will be worth waiting the whole summer for. Or maybe it won't. You can't know for certain; it just takes time. I've just got a good feeling.

It still makes me nervous that I feel this way sometimes. I still get a little inkling to run because I know that I'm making myself vulnerable to be hurt. But even if I do get hurt...I lived through the first couple and I can make it through another one, if I have to. I know I can. I just gotta keep reminding myself of that. And I gotta remember to just take it one. day. at. a. time.

But in the mean time....EEEEEP!!!!! :D

A Little Bit of a Crossroads

This is going to be a strange post. I feel a little bit weird even writing it down because it's something my brain hasn't even fully acknowledged up until quite recently. But it's a journey in my life, so therefore I think it's something that I should have written down, at least once. This is going to start with some really random and unexpected stuff, but I can pretty much promise it won't end the way you'd assume it would.

For the past few weeks, I've been having dreams about my ex-boyfriend. Dreams where he's trying to win me back, willing to do whatever it takes to be with me again. And in my dreams, there is not a doubt in my mind (dream mind and real mind) that I would not take him back no matter what he did. Of course, I have a hard time being mean to him, although he deserves it more than anyone else I know, but my lack of directness with him in these dreams is never confused with uncertainty about my feelings for him. When I woke up after the first one, I was pretty proud. I gave myself a pat on the back and said, "Hell no, we'd never take that stranger back!" But then it happened again - different scene, same concept. And again. And again. And again.

So then I just got frustrated. Why is this happening? Why now? I don't ever see him, I very rarely think of him, and not once have I missed him. So why all these dreams? I don't have an answer to that (see, not the conclusion you were expecting).

The only thing I can think of that could be even remotely related is my recent adventures into the inner workings of my mind that have brought up my issues with trust of the male species. And generally, that lack of trust is something that he as a symbol is representative of. Possibly? Sounds at least a little logical, right?

I'm gaining confidence in all aspects of my life. I love myself, I love who I am, and I love the potential I see for myself in the future. But I still grapple almost daily with the ability to trust. Let's be honest, I fight myself to convince myself to even believe the people that are closest to me. And it's always the boys. I don't know...my skepticism doesn't fit with the rest of my life and my character. It doesn't make sense to me, so I don't even know where to start to make it better.

I've been writing this post for a couple days. Because it's hard for me to figure out what to say, it's hard for me to understand, and I feel like I should have come up with some sort of solution by now. But I haven't. I'm over the first boy, but I'm left with all this baggage that I don't know what to do with. Just yesterday I confidently had a conversation with a boy who I had a little spark for; but I'm already in the process of convincing myself that there's no potential and that I don't really even like him even a little. The same as always.

I don't know where to begin. So rather than begin, I just keep to myself and let it all pass by.

I'm sick and I'm tired and I'm mad at myself. Hmph.