Decisions, decisions

well. once again my mind is overcome with the burden of this huge decision that i've been toying with all summer. swimming. i'm scared of making the decision, but i know its one that i need to finalize; i can't just wait here in limbo because swim literally starts in a week.

i'm 85% sure of what i want to do, and its the little things that keep holding me back. i'm afraid of the outcomes of my decision. the sport at the school has introduced me to so many great people - i loved the coaching staff, i loved my teammates, and i really felt as if i was part of a family. i don't want to offend people and make them feel as if i didn't enjoy the time i spent there - it was a great experience and i won't ever forget the friends and the relationships i made there.

but my heart isn't in it anymore. i don't doubt that i will miss it, and the hardest part will be not being with my girls every day. but i need to step back to see if this sport is something i still love. i kind of compare it to an ex boyfriend. post-breakup is awful...an emotional roller coaster of high highs and low lows. then you move out of that stage, you heal and you accept that it's over. and then maybe, once you've been apart from that significant other, you discover one of two things - (1) you both find that you were meant to be together, that you are still in love, and you heal past wounds and reform a relationship, or (2) you realize you it just wasn't meant to be and you begin to look for something bigger and better to fill your life.

the only way i can get to that point is to take a step back and go through that process - but its difficult to knowingly admit yourself into such a vicious ordeal; to willingly submit to such heartbreak. it's scary, and i'm not going to lie, i am 100% terrified. not even just about whether or not i'm making the right decision, but if i'm going to know who i am without being a swimmer.

a wonderful friend of mine who has an outstanding way with words, wrote to me on this matter to try and give me some insight, as she has been in a similar situation. she said, "Swimming will always be in your blood, but it's your decision at what degree do you want it to define you and if you are brave enough to step out of the pool for a bit and explore what else is out there. The pool will always be there." it sounds obvious, but that's what i need to remember...the pool will always be there for me, no matter how long i leave it behind for.

i have other things i want to do that swimming puts limitations on. i don't want to miss out on opportunities because "i have to go to practice." i've turned down things for that reason more times in my short life than i would like to admit...sure some of those times were back when swim was still fun and i was glad to be going to practice. i don't want to miss opportunities to expand myself because i'm stuck in this one aspect. i want to grow.

and i suppose part of growing is facing fears and dealing with tough stuff such as this. i need to sit down and let my fingers type that email that is going to finalize how i will be spending my sophomore year. i need some strength.