Helpless

my heart is breaking. have you ever seen someone in so much pain, and wanted to help them with every fiber of your being, but known there was absolutely nothing you could do? what about when that someone is your best friend? next to be heart broken myself, i have never felt such an awful feeling. next to having your heart broken, i would say utter helplessness has got to be one of the worst experiences.

today i made two trips out to cal lu. i grocery shopped with my dad. i visited people i hadn't seen in three months. i unpacked and set up my whole room. physically, i was busy and all over the place. mentally...my brain was in one place. all i want to do is sit down and cry for all that i've heard, and all that i know i am incapable of fixing. to hear your best friend say things that you would dread to hear even from a stranger, that could shake you to your very core...how do i just go on with my day feeling that gnawing inside of me? i'm scared. i'm scared for him. i've never prayed so hard in my life.

i want to be with him. i wish i could wake up and be in DC to at least be there for him in a physical sense, to hug, to talk to face to face, and to be more of a comfort than a voice over a phone line from thousands of miles away. prior to today i had so much on my mind, good and bad...but i don't even remember what i was thinking 24 hours ago. i'm so worried, and i want to help so badly, but i don't know what i can do to help. all i can do is talk, and i don't think that's working. he's made so much growth and finally allowed himself to feel, and what does he get? this? i've never wanted some one to experience "good" and happiness and joy as much as i do with him, he deserves it.

my heart is breaking for him. something miraculous needs to happen...i can't stand to hear my best friend cry and not be able to save him.