"is this real life?"

when i was a little kid, and something big and important was happening in the near future, i would think about it allll the time. like Christmas for example. when it changed to december, my brain would be completely consumed with thoughts of cookies, decorations, presents, lights, reindeer, Rudolph, Frosty, Santa, etc.

my anticipation levels would pretty much max out come december 23rd - i would go crazy! nothing mattered in life other than the fact that christmas was in two days. food? who needs it. all my old toys? they'd still be around in a few days. sleep? i'd stay awake for as long as i possibly could (of course not logically thinking that sleep would make the time pass faster). real life was literally suspended.

but i would eventually fall asleep. c'mon, i was only 5 or 6...all nighters weren't even fathomable for me at that point. and i would have the wildest, anticipation-induced dreams...about Christmas. and in my dream, everything would be everything i could have hoped, but better. i would dream that i could hear Santa up on my roof and it was just great because he had absolutely NO idea that i was awake! I would feel so sneaky. then i would glance out my window and i could see Rudolph's nose flashing! 5 year old me = totally blown away. and when i'd wake up before the sun to get my parents started on the Christmas festivities, i'd be completely convinced that i wasn't actually dreaming...it was all real!

i've done that almost my whole life. when something is on my mind all day, the consuming-sort of thinking, i dream of it. and in my dream, its usually always unrealistic for real life. but it is a dream after all, right?

the only difference between 5 year old me and almost 20 year old me...is now when i wake up, i can differentiate between my dream and reality. when i wake up after a dream of that magnitude, i just wish i could fall back asleep so it could continue where it left off; i accept that it isn't real life. if i dream i can fly, i don't jump out of bed and flap my arms expecting to soar out to the kitchen. just for example. or if i spend a couple days really upset over something, i'll go to sleep and for the hours that i'm asleep, my heart gets some rest because in my dream, everything is better. unfortunately, unrealistically better. i believe the correct word is "perfect."

and yet again i find myself saying, "oh to be five again...."