Number one, you're trusting them with so much information that they could easily turn around and back stab you and make your life a living hell with if they wanted too. That alone makes it so hard for me to do this with people. These are the people that you tell everything to. I have two people like this in my life. But even with them...as much trust and love I have invested in them, it's still a little bit terrifying to think about how much power they could have over me. It's hard to have that trust, when the first instinct is to push everyone away. Sometimes it feels like every day there's some sort of battle over trusting or mistrusting, even with those who have never done anything to be worthy of mistrust.
Number two, how frightening to have some people that mean that much to you in a world that is terribly unpredictable? I don't think like this all the time, I rarely do, which is why the idea always catches me off guard. But when you're so close with people...to the point that you feel as if they are an extension of yourself, you gotta know it's going to hurt if they were suddenly not there. I have a hard time feeling that dependent on someone else, or knowing that if they left or if they weren't there, that it would hurt me that bad. That's what I have a hard time with...worrying that somebody I've invested this much is is going to find me replaceable and then I'll just be shoved aside. But I guess even thinking someone would do that goes back to the mistrust I said in number one.
This is a little bit of a ramble. Forgive me, it is 1:30 in the morning. It's this new theory I have: if I don't want to have a dream, or I'm afraid one I had the night before will come back the following night, I keep myself up as late as I possibly can. So that way, I'm so exhausted when I go to sleep that I'm out like a light and I don't dream. Or at least I don't remember them, and I'm okay with not remembering some of them.
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