So, that guy that I dated? The one who got a job at the pool with his now ex-girlfriend. We're seeing each other again. I don't know why. He can be nice, he can be a gentleman...but sometimes he can not be also. I can't see myself being with him seriously in the future, or see it being anything long term. I guess I'm just trying to have fun with it. Maybe it's because I'm not enjoying being home and I thought maybe this would fix it. Maybe I'm looking for something...but not really finding anything. I don't know.
Anyway. He's said a couple things recently that have brought up some things in myself that I didn't think I had issues with. Well, what he's said in combination with a couple other things. Anywho, I don't expect him to be exclusive with me. He's not my boyfriend, if he finds another girl he is free to leave me and I won't be upset with him. But the last couple times we've hung out, he's jokingly said things that really brought up this strong emotion in me...like a shut-down sort of mode. Two nights ago we were hanging out and he was joking around grabbing things in the room and saying they were his, then he hugged me and said I was his. I don't think that was really meant as a big deal, he was just messing around. But I just had a really bad reaction to it.
But it added to this growing realization of how distrusting I am. And how scared I am that everyone I really love or let into my life is going to leave me, so I just stop letting them in, or push them out, or convince myself that they don't really care anyway. Anything I can do to make myself more "protected." Only it really just drives me crazy.
Like...this is the harder part. When you stopped talking for a long time, I got really scared. Actually I do every time that it happens. I'm worried, even though you've told me before, that you're going to leave me. Just like other people have. Maybe I just got spoiled with talking to you so often during the first semester and half, so it seems weird for me to not talk to you now. Even though I tell myself all the time, "He's busy, he has a lot going on," I still feel like you're going to change your mind and realize that you are okay without me being in your life. It's like, I've gotten so used to feeling replaceable that I don't see what's stopping you either. So before I even let you explain, I'd start to tell myself, "Well get used to it, he doesn't need you and you need to stop needing him." But of course, I say that but I never believe it. That I could just stop. It's all because for whatever reason I can't just believe people that are close to me really want to be there.
So then I do what I'm doing now. Have this thing with this dumb guy and just tell myself everyday not to get attached because that way I won't be the one getting hurt. But somehow I always get a little more attached than I should, even though I know, somewhere in me, that I'm not doing myself any favors by being with this guy right now anyway. I don't know what the hell I'm doing or why I'm doing it. But I'm probably just asking for trouble and putting myself in a situation that is only going to make my distrust worse.
I feel a little bit lost. Like at one point I was so sure of myself. But something happened. I don't really know how I got from there to here. But well, here I am. Told you, whining about my white girl problems. :P I could keep rambling, but the point of writing this out was to try and condense it so that I rambled less...so I'm going to stop now. Oovoo tonight, you have an explanation for me too!
Love,
Me.
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