A Hot Mess of a Girl

That's how I described myself today. I didn't mean it negatively, not even a little bit. But I'm like, a messy office space. Stuff is everywhere. There's stuff that needs to be thrown away and there's stuff that needs to be filed and kept for the rest of my life. There's stuff I use frequently so I know where it is in the various piles and stacks of things, but there's also stuff I haven't used or thought of in years that I can't find. There's big things and little things. There's an assortment of ideas, memories, plans, thoughts, viewpoints, and opinions that need to be sorted, filed, and stored.

I can do all of this, but it takes a lot of time, you know? I've got at least 15 years worth of stuff going on all over the place. So I do a little bit and I take a break. But I really think its time to be more persistent.

Why was I describing myself like this? Because for the first time, I've been the one who has to say no to a guy who has a fairly decent sized crush on me. There are a lot of factors as to why it couldn't happen, most of which I don't feel the need to go into, but the part that really bothers me is that he truly is a nice guy. I told him, if the world had more guys who treated girls the way he does, it'd be far better off. I said I wished there were more people like that. And after I pretty much flat out rejected him, you know what he said, "I wish there were too. Especially for you."

Wow. Talk about a little burst of maturity on his end. But that's when I said it...I said for now, I'm a "hot mess of a girl," and I need to get my shit together before I can even really give anyone a chance. And I know that's going to take me some time. A lot of time. But I'll know when times up, I'll feel it.

Hot mess doesn't mean I'm not happy. I'm still happy; I'm just working on what I need to do to stay there and to fully be who I know I'm capable of being. I don't want to give myself to someone else if I'm incomplete. That's like starting a work of art, but not finishing and giving it to someone as a gift anyway. Giving less than my best? Never (well except for on the occasional term paper...besides the point).