Sometimes I seriously contemplate living completely on my own. I want to say it entered my mind when I went to visit Trevor in San Francisco about a year ago; but being at a very different mental place in my life then, I quickly dismissed it as something I'd never be able to transition to successfully.
But the more strength I've found in myself, the more I find the idea entering my mind. Not to live by myself for forever, but to just do it for a little and test my strengths. It would be a challenge for me. And lately I've been at this spot in my life where I'm not okay with doing things that I don't feel terribly challenged by. Living by myself scares me a little bit - I freak myself out when I'm home alone. But I can face that fear. I can learn how to manage my time and do what I want and how I want to every day without the interference, unless they are a welcome one. I always go through a stage when I get back to living with my family where I don't want to do anything - I don't want to cook for myself, I don't want to do laundry, I just want to sit and wish I had someone to take care of me. But each time I go away from home, that stage gets shorter and shorter.
I think I could accept that challenge. But...it's definitely not going to happen for quite some time. I have another year of school and then my credential year after that. To be quite honest, I can't afford to live on my own. But I think I would if I could. At least for a year. It could be fun. But mostly I think it would help me to better learn who I really am; it'd be a huge test of everything I think I've learned about myself in the last year.
I just need a change. SO BAD. I'm getting a little on the desperate side, but I absolutely cannot be content with doing the same thing every day like I have been doing. And a day trip to Malibu is not going to solve anything, just so we're clear. I'm a new 21 year old and I feel stagnant. I know I'm doing things now so that I can have the life that I want in a few years, but does that mean everything has to be so simplistic and repetitive in the here and now?
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