Tonight my heart is heavy.

What do you say to your best friend when he loses the last thing that had strong meaning in his life, the last thing that at multiple points was the only thing keeping him afloat? I don't know what to say. I don't even know what to think. I rarely find myself at a loss for words, but I am finding myself utterly speechless.

I'm having a true moment of questioning myself and the world and everything beyond this world. Because this isn't fair; and it breaks with everything I've ever preached or believed and I'm not quite sure how to handle that. Right now, "handling it" looks a lot like sitting on my bed quietly staring into space and trying to muster up some thought-from-shock to write this blog post. If there is any higher power, why is he making life so hard for this kid? Hasn't he paid enough? Hasn't he gone through enough ups and downs and tragedies to be able to experience some real honest beauty and greatness and luck in life? I don't get it. I don't understand why he's being continually tested beyond the emotional stress capacity of anybody else I know. Why won't the universe give him a break? Why can't he get some of the happiness that he is more than worthy of? I don't get it.

I know he's going to read this. He's pretty much my only audience member. But I still find myself saying, "What do I say?" So:

I love you poohad. I wish everyone else in this wild world could see you the way that I do. I want to keep being optimistic and positive for you, but I also don't know if you really want that right now. I don't know if that will help you. I feel speechless and helpless. I'm going to hold your spirits up high for you, and I'm going to sing you the song in your heart when you are unable to do it yourself. The minute we realized our friendship, I knew I would never leave your side, no matter how ugly or beautiful things got. And things are ugly now, but remember that you are never, ever, ever alone.

"There is something you must always remember:

You are braver than you believe,

Stronger than you seem,

And smarter than you think.

But the most important thing is, 

Even if we're apart...

I'll always be with you."

I'm going to go eat away at some sherbet, and I only wish you were here to enjoy it with me. Hugs and love to you mister. I'm holding you in my heart and in my prayers.