this is not okay

its raining.

in july.

i want my summer.

>:/

Happy Fourth!

"If there is ever a tomorrow that we're not together..there is something you must always remember. You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart...I will always be with you."

Happy Fourth of July to everyone, and a HUGE thank you to all the servicemen in the history, present, and future of our country. It is because of you that I am privileged to live the free and blessed life that I do.

Knowing people in the military has opened my eyes to an entirely new way of thinking, and it has given me a better appreciation for such people. It gives me a lot more to be grateful for on a day such as today, besides fireworks, BBQs, and friends. It is a bummer though that so many American's reserve their patriotism and their gratitude just for this day...we shouldn't need a holiday to give us a reason to express that.

Thank you poohad for everything you have done, everything you do, and all the dreams and wishes you hope to fulfill. I'm proud of you every day. Miss you.

Grown-up Weekend

i have to say, i don't know if i could ever get accustomed to living (happily) by myself. it's terribly lonesome.

i've been house sitting for the past couple days, which has given me the opportunity to think about this sort of thing. i'm in a house that i'm familiar with, only normally it is buzzing with activity - being that it belongs to a family of 7 people, a dog, and a cat. so maybe its a combination of that, and never having to have really been anywhere completely on my own...but i'm not too fond of the solitary lifestyle. at this point in my life, i couldn't imagine living without my family or roommates. it would just be too weird.

on the plus side, it does give you a lot of time to think and reflect, but i've been doing enough of that on my own lately at my own house. being here completely alone (minus the dog, who judging by his whining is very lonely too) was definitely an over-dose on the "me" time. it crossed over from a healthy level of personal reflection to an overthinking and a tormenting amount of analysis. needless to say, i think i'll be spending the night back at home tonight. i'm not ready to be THAT much of a grown-up!

Wish I May, Wish I Might

today i walked out of the guard room on my way to rotate to the competition pool, and when i looked up at the sky, there was a single bright star visible, just outside the last reaching rays of the sunset.

going back to my Pinocchio, Disney-watching, little kid roots, I closed my eyes and made a wish. obviously, everyone knows that if you tell your wish to people it won't come true. but i will give you a hint. it falls along the lines of this:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

day-to-day

not a lot of blogging recently, nothing really profound to say i suppose haha. i finally have a weekend off of work coming up, so maybe that will be an opportunity for some new adventures. i could use a little bit of spice to be added to my life!

i babysat the cutest little boy and girl yesterday - Brynn is 3 and Chase is 1, almost 2. we played on the grass by the pool while their parents got in some swim time. another family i'm familiar with that is around the pool showed up with Chloe and Olivia, two adopted little girls. Brynn saw them and said, "I want to go make friends!" and ran over and within seconds the girls were playing catch, leap-frog, and make-believe. (Chase tried to join in too, but boys weren't really allowed haha) i couldn't help but smile at the innocence and be so impressed by the lack of judgement and pure eagerness to just have someone new to play with. if only it could stay that way as we grow older.

today i'm ready to say good bye to June, and its gloom! come on, sunshine, where are you??

Dear God...

thankyou thankyou thankyou! I do not consider myself a religious person, but i don't think i can thank anyone but the big guy upstairs for this one! i'm jittery, i can't type fast enough to keep up with my thoughts, i barely even can form words for what i want to say.

right as i lose hope, right as i hit another low point where the optimism gets hard to maintain, and i just feel upset about so much in life...when i feel a bit abandoned and alone...i get yet another reason to smile. another BIG reason. another reason that i'm not even supposed to know yet, but thank gosh i do.

i have a guardian angel. he told me once that i'm always wanted and i always belong somewhere and that is with him. and that this was true no matter how far away we were from each other. i believe him...but sometimes when i'm having a really hard time, the distance just makes it worse. but whenever i get to that level, like magic...he comes back. without fail.

as is the case again. at least i'm 99% sure. i can't even describe what emotion i'm feeling right now. but i could cry...out of relief, out of love, out of complete joy. i'm grateful to know that things are going to get better, and once again - i am going to be okay.

"You and your heart shouldn't feel so far apart."

this summer, i have an aversion to people.

i know that sounds terribly anti-social and potentially unhealthy, but the way i look at it, i think i need this. i need to take that step back socially, and i've been learning a lot in the process. its a summer of self-reflecting and learning some self-worth.

i feel that i get too easily and too quickly attached to people, and i easily define myself and my happiness in relation to those people. but i'm not the people that i'm attached to. i'm me. so, in a grammatically incorrect question, who is me? i'm figuring out how to define myself without the influences of said people. so far its been an interesting journey. i can't entirely describe it in words. i can only feel it. that's what i'm doing...feeling my way along. i suppose there's really no other way to go about it, really.

if i could peg down a specific thing to illustrate an aspect of what i lack the words to explain, it would be the recently-had conversation with ex-boyfriend. i gave him the choice: either he let me go and be ok with just being friends, or he make some sort of commitment. i'm not down for the wishy-washy, in between, back and forth business anymore. it was rather liberating if i'm being honest. i'm not used to standing up for myself like that, but its part of that "feeling my way along" thing. and with his final decision, no longer was i floating around after cutting ties, unsure of what to do next. my feet were planted, and I was standing back on solid ground. hallelujah.

i'm sorry to those who may feel that i'm uncaring. but i'm truly working to put in the effort with those i feel are doing the same for me. but if not...i have to let go. or maybe you have to let go of me. i'm not sure which way it should be phrased yet. i guess it kind of depends. but i'm learning to stand on my own two feet - its up to you if you want to be present to support me...but don't you dare hang around just to jolt me every once and a while and make me falter in my strength.