i know that sounds terribly anti-social and potentially unhealthy, but the way i look at it, i think i need this. i need to take that step back socially, and i've been learning a lot in the process. its a summer of self-reflecting and learning some self-worth.
i feel that i get too easily and too quickly attached to people, and i easily define myself and my happiness in relation to those people. but i'm not the people that i'm attached to. i'm me. so, in a grammatically incorrect question, who is me? i'm figuring out how to define myself without the influences of said people. so far its been an interesting journey. i can't entirely describe it in words. i can only feel it. that's what i'm doing...feeling my way along. i suppose there's really no other way to go about it, really.
if i could peg down a specific thing to illustrate an aspect of what i lack the words to explain, it would be the recently-had conversation with ex-boyfriend. i gave him the choice: either he let me go and be ok with just being friends, or he make some sort of commitment. i'm not down for the wishy-washy, in between, back and forth business anymore. it was rather liberating if i'm being honest. i'm not used to standing up for myself like that, but its part of that "feeling my way along" thing. and with his final decision, no longer was i floating around after cutting ties, unsure of what to do next. my feet were planted, and I was standing back on solid ground. hallelujah.
i'm sorry to those who may feel that i'm uncaring. but i'm truly working to put in the effort with those i feel are doing the same for me. but if not...i have to let go. or maybe you have to let go of me. i'm not sure which way it should be phrased yet. i guess it kind of depends. but i'm learning to stand on my own two feet - its up to you if you want to be present to support me...but don't you dare hang around just to jolt me every once and a while and make me falter in my strength.
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