Substance?

i've had a lot of time to blog, but i just haven't. i feel like there isn't a lot of substance to anything i would write at the moment. maybe that's a product of my brain deteriorating from being out of school for far too long...or maybe it's just a sign that i've finally had a couple weeks of pure enjoyment where i've just been happily occupied with other going-ons.

emily came to visit for a few days. we enjoyed all the benefits of ventura - beach, good food, the fair (dierks bentley!!)

nikko came home and i finally got to see him, if only for a day. thoughts and prayers are with him as he enters his second year at the naval academy.

shopping trips like crazy to get clothes and other necessities - yes, new school clothes are always a necessity.

the end of LA84 swim team - technically i still have a week left, but thats only with 15 of the 50 kids that I worked with every day this summer. it was bittersweet...those kids have pretty much been my life all summer, and its weird to think that this is probably the last time i will hold this coaching position...

and most importantly of course...I GO BACK TO CAL LU A WEEK FROM TOMORROW! :)

see, nothing of any depth. but sometimes, its ok to be that way i suppose. maybe once classes start it will give me something a little more intellectual to say.

today was the tomorrow i've been waiting for

all is right in the world.

that is the best way to describe how i feel right now. my best friend is HERE. i got to see him and hang out with him, and catch up, and argue with each other...it was like we never missed a beat.

i couldn't be happier. well i could, if he wasn't leaving so soon.

but this is BY FAR the best day of my summer.

isn't it funny how humans can form such bonds with each other? my psychology teacher used to always say "we are social beings, we are made to have human interaction." its just interesting how some of those interactions can turn into such a strong connection. what i have with this kid is rare, i have yet to find something as strong with anyone else. never have i been so quickly stirred up when hearing of someone insulting another person as I am when i hear that people are doing it about him. it literally makes me feel like i could punch a person, and as a typically nonviolent person, thats quite a big deal.

and after a summer of dealing with changes in so many relationships that i once thought i truly understood, it's really nice to see that not everything has changed. that the closest ones really do stick with you through it all.

C'mon, Tomorrow!

this will be the best week of my summer.

i do not work for the next three, count 'em, THREE days. hallelujah. my goal is to not do anything work related other than email parents back for the rest of this week. it's mental holiday time.

Emily's here! Finally! It's so great to have her here...not only is it fun catching up and going adventuring, BUT its making me even more excited for school. She leaves friday, and that makes me sad but it means i'll see her back at school in like, two weeks. =)

Tomorrow is August 11th. the day that i mentioned my excitement level in an earlier post as about 50. now...i'd say about 500000. he's home. finally. 8 months later and i get to give one of my closest friends a HUG, a real live hug and have face to face conversations. i'm not going to lie...i might cry. the happiest and most relieved tears i will have ever shed, but i might be able to keep it together just out of pure excitement.

Control

"Control is never achieved when sought after directly. It is the surprising outcome of letting go."

-James Arthur Ray

i've been getting a sense of how it feels to be in control of situations that directly effect me...and the different ways in which that control can be gained. the funny thing is, the true method of holding all control really is to just let go. let go of expectations, let go of what once was, and live in the here and now.

You can't control anyone or anything in this world except for yourself. You may think you can control your boyfriend, your dog, your friends, but they all are separate entities and can at any point go against what you are asking them to do. that doesn't mean they will, but they can. and when that happens, people generally feel a loss of control over that person....but did you really ever control them to begin with? or did they decide in their head, using their own controls, that obeying you is generally a good idea? i'd be willing to bet on the latter.

why get angry when the driver in front of you goes super slow and then you miss the greenlight? can you control how that person drives? can you control when the light changes? it'd be really cool if you could, but you can't. so whats the use in getting angry over that...it's beyond your control. in all actuality, that anger over something beyond your influence is really demonstrating a loss of control over yourself, not the perceived loss of control over that driver or that light.

for example. i have an ex-boyfriend. everything about the downhill spiral of our relationship was initiated by him, and for so long, i had this unfortunate attachment to everything he did, feeling that i was under his control because i was just so overcome with all these emotions toward him. slowly i began to learn to piece myself back together to the point where first i could just manage my own being, and recently i've realized, i'm now the one in the position of power. i've moved on, i've secured myself in who i am and what i stand for, i've completely changed my way of thinking by letting go of what is our past and focusing on where i am mentally right now. i can't control what he does...but i can control how i respond.

"You cannot always control circumstances, but you can control your own thoughts."

-Charles Popplestown

Reality Shocker

today was just one of those days.

tired. overwhelmed.

no...try stressed and exhausted.

if you woulda said the wrong thing to me today, i probably coulda burst into tears at the drop of a hat.

that kind of day.

i don't feel any better. in fact i probably feel worse. however, i have been straightened up and put back in line again. today i learned that the brother of a beautiful ten-year-old girl on my swim team died this last week. i received a simple note on the inside of my locker that instantly overwhelmed me with grief for her and her family and shamed me for dwelling on the negatives of my day. sometimes, things just really are unfair and there is no other way about it. so tonight, and every night for a while now, my thoughts and prayers are with her and her family.

To Swim...

...or not to swim.

while i'm sorting out the issues in my mind via this blog, i figure i might as well with this one too. especially since it's such a big conflict to me right now. and while i can talk to other people about it, no one can make the final decision but me. and i'm actually trying to not talk to a lot of other people about it because i don't want to be too heavily influenced by the position that others may hold.

i read this book a few years ago (i promise this is related) called The Last Summer of You and Me and i wrote down this passage from the book:

Some people lost their individuality in the water, but [she] always felt most herself. Water was supposed to symbolize renewal, she knew, but when [she] swam - pared down, alone, and unreachable - she felt a deeper sense of who she already was...

The repetitive motion of her limbs was a meditation, the stretch of her muscles a narcotic. She heard her breath and even her heart...

The regular things couldn't follow you here. You could escape the demands of the world. Even the demands you imposed on yourself seemed to recede and reorient underwater. You couldn't hear and you couldn't talk. Your ears were full but it was quiet...

The trouble with swimming was that eventually you had to come out. You had to dry off and put all your stuff back on. You had to become yourself again, or, in her case, less so. The demands were still there, waiting.

at the time i wrote this down, i was in love with my sport for what it was. i just loved being in the water and in effect, my own little world. but when i read that now, it saddens me because i don't feel that way about swimming anymore. in all actuality, when i look at it from the perspective that i am right now, its even worse - swimming (competitively, for school) has BECOME one of those demands that i used to go to a pool to escape.

it's hard to let go of something that has been a part of your life for so long. i'm seeing that in more than one aspect of my life this summer. but relationships with people and things and ideas are generally not static. as you change, so do your relationships and your feelings and your understandings of things. swimming has been all that i've known since i was eight years old...i'm on my way to being 20. that's 12 years of my life devoted to this sport. but i'm not the same girl that i was when i was 8, or 15, or even that i was just 6 months ago when i turned 19. and as i change, my relationship to swimming changes too...which is why it's no longer and easy decision to swim.

i can bounce back and forth between doing it and not doing it. i've made the lists of pros and cons. but the more i think it out and the more i try to analyze it, it always comes down to one question: is competitive swimming something i see myself doing for the rest of my life? and the answer is no. yes i will always love the water and it will always be a great escape for me and a wonderful option of working out that i have been blessed to experience. swimming in itself will always be there for me. but competitive swimming...? it's not something thats even close to being in my future goals for myself.

clearly, i'm leaning toward just saying no to it for this year. i want to focus on my classes. i want to work on becoming the best teacher that i can because that is going to be the career i have for the rest of my life. i want to get a job while i'm at school so i can continue to pay for my tuition. i want to workout on my own and how i want to. i want to spend time with my friends without worrying about how much sleep i'm going to get before the next morning practice. the basic facts are that if i'm swimming 9 or more practices a week, all of that stuff gets shoved aside and has to share the limelight with the 20+ hours a week i spend in the pool.

the only thing that holds me back is the thing that holds me back in everything. a hurdle i have yet to overcome. that is disappointment. the fear of the disappointment i may bring unto others - my coaches, my teammates, my parents - and the potential for disappointment i may bring on to myself. will i look back when i graduate and wish that i would have stuck it out and been a 4 year "Scholar Athlete"? will i be disappointed and look at myself as a quitter? will i be able to face the questions and the judgement others may pass once they hear of my decision? this is where i still have a lot of pondering left to do. this is the only thing that stands in my way from saying no.

and after all...if i take a year off...it doesn't mean i can't come back my junior year if i decide to, right?

"Most decisions are seat-of-the-pants judgements. You can create a rationale for anything. In the end, most decisions are based on intuition and faith."

let me let go

why is it that humans are capable of continually caring for something that has time and time again shown that it's not worthy of such dedication and emotion?

why is it that the heart and head can never just agree on what you should feel and think. why can't they just let me let go?

i'm not sure which has let go already. my heart or my head. maybe they've both only let go partially. either way, it's not enough. but i've been starting to acknowledge that maybe this time its my head thats getting in the way, not my heart.

my heart is ready to move on, i really do believe. my head is the only thing standing in my way. i'm hanging on to memories and "used-to-be's" and "what if's" when in reality, none of that will do me any good. i need to let it go mentally. but i just can't help but care. i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

i feel like i know what i need to do. but its a Big. Freaking. Deal. i haven't even verbalized it yet, because its such a scary thought to me. i can't wrap my brain around it yet, it's so intimidating and uncomfortable to think about. but maybe it's just time.

Maybe you and me got lost somewhere

We can't move on or we can't stay here

Well maybe we've just had enough

Well maybe we ain't meant for this love.

-Mockingbird, Rob Thomas