"I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you."

-Unknown

"What goes on?"

i have a tattoo on the side of my foot that says, "it goes on..." it's from a Robert Frost quote.

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."

it's a little bit faded now and needs a few touch ups, but that is besides the point. that will be done with time, i'm not worried...it's not like its going anywhere. ;)

as with tattoos, it's normal to get a lot of people asking what it means or what significance it has to you. Some people ask that of me when they first see my tattoo, but more often i get the question: "What goes on?" I used to hastily reply with, "Well it's part of a quote by Robert Frost...." But i realized that doesn't really answer the question they are asking me (although most people would be satisfied with that response, which shows something else about people....i'll save that rant for another day).

i fell in love with this quote at a time in my life where i was stuck in a low place that i had no idea how to get out of. it was rough and it was scary and i would consider myself very very lost. i had completely lost touch with reality and myself and everything around me. i stumbled across this at some point during that state of mind, and for some reason it really hit home with me. it helped me change my attitude and my way of interacting with the rest of the world.

since then, i've used this quote in my life in many occasions. i feel that it is applicable in pretty much any situation, positive or negative (people can just as easily get too caught up in the "good things" that happen in life), but it is ultimately applied in cases where stress is high or there is a perceived loss of "control" in life.

so what goes on? the easiest response i can give is LIFE. life goes on. you can choose to sit in your single state of mind and watch the world continue on its course, or you can continue on with life and move on and learn from what you've experienced. this is not to demoralize something like grieving - that is a necessary part of human behavior - but in grieving you are learning as well.

but i can only tell you what my tattoo means to me. to you, it may have a different meaning. its meaning is relative to where you are at in your life. sometimes it may apply just to a specific situation, but eventually you will realize how encompassing three simple words may be. i think thats part of the appeal to me, that such ordinary and simple words can be so open-ended and be interpreted in so many different ways. i can't tell you that this quote is specific to one aspect of my life. it exists in relation to almost everything i do. this quote literally means everything to me. everything goes on, with or without you, and i choose to believe its better to go along and experience the world than to sit and watch it all pass you by.

its on my foot for a reason too. it is my feet that carry me forward out of the past. they are what keep me from being stuck in the present. and they will lead me into the future. it goes on...so i will as well.

Rap

now, in modern culture there are two general types of rap that you may come across.

on one hand you have the pointless, degrading, nonsense that exists purely to appease record companies or the hard-headed individuals with something to prove. i'm sorry for the strong word choice, but really, what reason could you possibly have to listen to a song about little other than squeezing every known cuss word into a 3 minute rant as many times as possible? i'm open to a suggestion or reason if one exists. however, i have yet to come across one.

but on the other hand, you have poetry. a representation of a culture, a struggle, an emotion, a fight, a perseverance. rap that actually has a story to tell, or a meaning behind it, can really be a beautiful art form. while it may still have lyrics about gangs, about brutalities, and about objectification, those lyrics are only a fraction of a bigger picture. it can be a powerful statement about big issues in the world, spoken only as a brutally honest poet could.

just today i listened to a rap by a man who goes by the name of Immortal Technique. a friend told me, "this is one of the most moving things i've heard, you have to listen to the words." not being the greatest at recommending me music, i almost brushed it off, but i decided to listen carefully and i'm very grateful i did. the rap was titled "Dance with the Devil," and i don't even have words for it. parts of it were shocking, most of it was awful and saddening...but not all beautiful things are happy. i can't say i recommend him yet, because i haven't done much research on him, or listened to much more of his music. but i would say i've been encouraged to view the style of rap in a different light, and not group it all under the same heading as some of the more trashy and mainstreamed rap.

"So when the devil wants to dance with you, you better say never

Because the dance with the devil might last you forever."

Looking for the Good Words

"pretty much, you were given a dictionary of bad words, and you'd like to think that there are good words out there...so you believe that there are. so you are trying to learn them."

i cried today.

today i stood up for myself and told a boy what my limits were and that they weren't going to change. instead of feeling empowered and satisfied with myself, i felt confused and scared and lost. i didn't get it. i knew that i'd done the right thing, but i felt so contradicted and i wasn't understanding why.

but i thought about it. and i realized that it had absolutely nothing to do with my decision to stick to my morals and everything to do with what i've experienced after sticking to my morals in the past. i'm so accustomed to having a guy say nice things to you, you telling him you're only willing to go so far, and then him taking off. you realize he meant nothing and was just using you to get what he wanted.

so i got scared. i worried that everything this boy had said to me was a lie, just like the other ones, and now that i'd told him he'd only get so far...he would bail just like the other ones. i was prematurely prepping myself for what i felt was the inevitable. i've been working on not overthinking, and not stressing, and not getting attached...but some things are more ingrained than others and are thus harder to just get rid of. this feeling being one of those things.

however, upon telling him my fears and how i was feeling (once i was able to figure it out enough to put into words)...i got something that was far from the inevitable i was expecting. i got reassurance. i got sympathy. and i got comfort. three things i've been taught not to expect, and from those i encountered and overwhelming sense of relief.

and that is why i cried.

i have issues. i'm not trusting, i am fearful, and i'm very far from perfect. but if you give me a reason to try, i promise i will. i'm learning...but i have to find someone who is willing to stick with me through it before i can make any progress.

judgement

human beings do a lot of judging. if you really stop to sit and think about it, you'll realize how often it happens...at least that's what i've been doing this week.

i get really aggravated when i hear others getting huffy about how what something someone else did interfered with their life plans. not only should you not let other people affect your life to that degree, but how do you know what is happening in their life?

for example, it's spring break and your a friend of yours is supposed to go on a road trip with you. last minute she cancels and tells you she'll be going home instead. sure it's a bummer, but who are you to say "oh my gosh, i've had this planned for weeks and this person just ruined everything for me. i can't believe they would do that to me." what if it's not about you? because the chances are high that it isn't. they have no requirement to tell you their life story or explain themselves and their decisions to you. sure, you have the right to react in such a manner, you have the right to a lot of things...but that doesn't necessarily mean they are RIGHT.

i'm guilty of this too, but now that i've realized it, now that i'm conscious of it, i can see it when i do it and i can work on fixing it. i also see it in people's conversations far more often now that i've acknowledged what a prevalent thing it is among people. it's always irked me when people pass judgements on people that I know the whole story about, whereas they do not. but now i realize its happening all the time, regardless of whether or not i know the third party.

what would it be like if more people were conscious of this? maybe people would be nicer, that'd be a good start.

"Never judge a man's actions before you know his motives."

An Optimistic Pessimist

is that allowed? is it possible to be both at the same time? well, not really at the same time, but to possess both entities in a single self?

a friend of mine once told me the biggest difference between the two of us was that i looked for so much good in the world that tries so hard to prove me wrong, that i had faith in the positive aspects of things despite the levels of negativity i encounter, and that i would never for settle something as just being "bad." which i find to be true - whenever a friend is sad or mad or upset over something, I always think in my head, "how can I make them feel better about the situation?" and thus, i pull out what i find to be the positive aspects. the problem is, not everyone sees the world in that light. it's mentally trying for me to try and help someone when they don't hold the same "positive outlook" that i do...it makes me sad; i feel like i can't help them when i know that i should be able to.

but maybe i should learn how to take my own advice. because while i may be wonderful at being optimistic for other people, i'm am a terribly pessimistic person in terms of myself. it's interesting to be that way. because so often i can look at my situation from an outside perspective and say, "well, if this were a friend of mine, i would tell them to do this. or i would try and help them in this way." but i'm very bad at listening to myself, and i have a lot of self-doubt. i'm working on it, i'm getting better. and maybe, if i was truly a more optimistic person to my core, it would reflect more on the outside.

i do love finding beauty in the world. i live to discover the little surprises that come when least expected. seeing others smile and be happy brings me joy. but maybe its time i start finding some beauty in myself, acknowledging those little surprise, and finding joy in my own smiles...and then maybe i won't always feel like such a hypocrite.

and please excuse the downer themes of my last few posts, i don't mean to sound like my life sucks. it's really quite wonderful, but often my thoughts come across this way, especially when they aren't all the way thought out yet. i have my struggles and i have my worries, but life is good and i'm grateful. as midterm/paper weeks wind down a little, i'll have some more time to myself to think some of these things through more. bear with me! :)

Self, Meet Self?

can you ever feel something changing in yourself, but not be able to really pinpoint it? like something just feels different, but you can feel it before you can actually name what it is? that's where i am right now, and i can't say i'm a particularly huge fan of it.

something about being here at school really turns my brain around, and I don't know what it is. I don't feel like a different person at school than i do at home, but i feel like i feel more when i'm at school. or maybe i just notice it more. after all, i do spend more time alone here, so i get to reflect more on my thoughts and the way i am. i can't quite say i'm comfortable with just me and myself yet. my own way of thinking, and sometimes behaving in response to external events still has the power to surprise me.

i'm learning and i'm always changing and growing; don't let me convince you that i'm stagnant in my unfamiliarity with myself. i think i just feel like i should know myself better by now, you know?