A Handful of Yellow Flowers

I've starting interning in a kindergarten classroom this semester. It was a little scary the night before my first day...I mean, all my life I've thought I wanted to be a kindergarten teacher, but the last time I was in a kindergarten classroom I was only ten years old! What if I got to the class and found out it really wasn't what I wanted to do? So much meaning would have been lost for...well, my life to be honest.

But the good news is, I absolutely adore it. I've only been there two days and I am in love with every aspect of it. Yesterday I mostly observed, but today I really got to interact with the kids and it was better than I ever could have imagined. The way they look at the world, the way they interact, the things they understand...it amazes me. Even the kids with the hardest lives back home are still eager - maybe not eager for the same thing; some are eager to learn, some for attention, some to feel important, some just eager for everything - and you can see it before you even talk to them. It's so motivating...

Today I was given handfuls and handfuls of yellow flowers accompanied with little voices saying, "Here Ms. Downing, I picked these for you!" Little ones would just walk up and hold my hand as we walked down the hall for PE. And a couple little girls looked me in the eye when I first got there and said, "You're really pretty Ms. Downing." Talk about a self-esteem boost. It's funny that although other people have said that to me in a different way, I've never felt it to be as true as when I heard it today. It has to do with the natural and unfiltered speech that I know little kids have - they tell the truth, they don't get the concept of white lies or things like that. They simply speak what's on their minds.

Birthday Week

I had a wonderful birthday week with friends and family. I'm a very spoiled girl who has been blessed with wonderful people in her life. Even though I got a little peopled-out by the end of the week, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

However, an odd part of this years birthday...I wasn't with my family on my actual birthday, I celebrated with them the weekend before. It was weird, and although I joked about how my mom was making a bigger deal out of it than necessary...I really did miss being home. I felt something that night that even resembled homesickness. Does that mean I'm growing up? Hmm.

Speaking of growing up, I drank for the first time in a few months also this week. And it wasn't really all that fun. I'm very done with drinking to get drunk. I'm not against drinking by any means, I would love to social drink and if I get a little tipsy in the process of that, so be it. But I'm not 21 - social drinking isn't currently and option. I don't want to do this binge drinking college stuff anymore, I don't like how it feels and I don't like how easily it can turn into something really bad. I don't like how people feel being drunk is an excuse for doing things, and I don't like when people try and manipulate you're actions because you are not of a sober-mind.

I've said this before, I love life as it is. Plain, unaltered, normal life. So I'm going to continue to enjoy it just the way it is meant to be enjoyed. :)

Verb:

"complain" - to express dissatisfaction or annoyance about a state of affairs or an event

how about we switch up the part of speech a little and define it as, something that is far to prevalent and relied upon in current society? or a way of gaining attention by placing blame on anything or anyone but yourself? i think those are a little more fitting for how i'm regarding this topic tonight.

today the super bowl was on. during the half-time show, i logged on to facebook only to find that probably about ten people were going on about how awful the show was, what a poor job the entertainers were doing, etc. and i thought to myself, "people are always going to find something to complain about." the more i thought about it, the more terrible i realized it was.

what does complaining accomplish? from what i've observed, not a whole lot. i'd say about 75% of what people complain about on a daily basis is nonsense, just vocalizing to the whole world that they're annoyed by something, when in all actuality - the whole world doesn't care and it doesn't really make you feel any better anyway. the other 25% can be people complaining about real problems, something they think can be better than it currently is - but again, no one is really going to listen to you if you're just whining and it's definitely not going to change anything for you.

if your complaint falls into that 75% - if you are being truthful with yourself - you should probably start thinking before you speak. that sounds very blunt, but let's be real: does what you're complaining about really have significance? who might be effected by what you're saying? what can be inferred from your comments? and if you can honestly say that your complaint falls into that latter 25% - stop complaining and do something about it. stop being passive and waiting for someone else to do the hard work required to bring about a change in the way something is, if it really is that big of a problem for you.

whether or not the Black Eyed Peas are doing a good job on the half time show? i don't think that's a huge deal. have you ever performed live in that sort of a setting? have you ever performed live at all? and if you really thought it was that bad, last time I checked, all TVs come with a power button...

*****

again, a little disclaimer - i don't write these sort of things claiming to be perfect, or to have these behaviors down to a science. i write them down because they are things that i notice and want to improve in myself. i've never said my life was a finished product...it's a work in progress.

I think I need to stop a little

or I at least need to slow down. i'm a very idealistic person...i don't know when that happened, or if i've always been that way and just never noticed. i'm a daydreamer, i'm a wonderer, and sometimes that leads me to fall in love with the idea of how something could be instead of how it actually is. it's unrealistic.

let's think in simple and hypothetical terms. my mom tells me she bought me some fruit for when i come home. i think, "great! I can't wait to come home and eat some real fresh fruit." and i'll sit there and think about the best fruit i can imagine - a nectarine - and how sweet it is, and how the juice drips down my arm with each bite. i can almost taste it. i go home and throw open the fridge...and i find a bag of grapes. grapes.

now, i love grapes. but i forget how much i love them because of how high i've built up my hopes about coming home to a nectarine. at that moment, grapes are the most disappointing thing thats ever happened.

what i need to remember to do, is actually appreciate what i DO have, instead of getting so wrapped up in my dreams and wishes that i forget what value i've found in everything i already have. i should be grateful, not greedy. i think i need to focus less on chasing things that i want, and focus more on being thankful for what i have - let anything else that may come, come to me, chase after me.

i need to remember how much i really do love grapes.

Motivation

i've had a lot of that lately. i'm not really sure where it's coming from, or why it's sticking around for so long...but i am most definitely okay with it. i just mean, there is usually a motive for motivation, you know? its a little mind boggling to not be completely aware of what that is.

i'm really into classes this semester, i will say that. so many of them revolve around teaching and making progress toward being a teacher...i'm excited to get up and go to class because i feel like i'm actually learning something useful, something i find completely enthralling. it's such a wonderful change of pace. i can't wait to be a teacher. i feel like every semester i say that, but every semester my anticipation just grows and grows. i start interning in a classroom next week. i passed the first of three parts of the CSET. i'm doing well in my classes. i'm learning not just what to teach, but how to teach. i have a direction and a goal and i feel so assured that i'm doing the right thing with my career path.

sure, i have panic-stricken moments where i wonder if i can really do this. little attacks of anxiety about if i can really take on the responsibility of something as big as being a teacher. generally it tends to show up when i'm feeling a bit overwhelmed, but it's a scary thought you know? and i've always struggled with the question, "am i good enough for this?" in various aspects of my life. but in the big picture, i know that this is where i'm meant to be; it's the career i've always wanted.

i think sometimes it can just be a little terrifying to see such a big dream actually becoming real. when you dream about something happening for so long, its kind of a big deal when you start to realize the cards are falling into place...exactly as you wished.

In the Eye of the Beholder

my philosophy of education class ended up on a semi-random discussion on the nature of beauty and the study of aesthetics. our professor pointed out that in the political realm nothing is ever considered beautiful anymore because if you there isn't really a uniformed standard of what beauty is; everyone's perception of beauty is different.

i don't disagree that everyone has a different idea of what is beautiful, but i don't believe that is a reason to stop discussion of it. if anything, that's more of a reason to discuss what you find beautiful. think about it - isn't it a great feeling when you find someone who sees beauty in similar things as you? and i don't just mean beauty in terms of visuals - a sunset, the sky, a mountain range, a flower. what about finding beauty in sitting over a bowl of ice cream long after it has been finished but being lost in conversation, or holding hands, or staying in bed till noon on a rainy weekend morning?

i personally understand that not everyone is going to find the same things beautiful that i find beautiful. i accept that and i think it's pretty dang cool that different people can have different appreciations for things, as long as you keep a level of respect for others. but i think it's pretty neat when you find someone who values similar beautiful things. its nice to have someone to understand and share with.

"You can't choose who you love...

...it just happens."

true that. i shouldn't be allowed to write when i'm in a crummy mood. it makes me sound like i'm this terribly cynical and melancholy person. but i promise i'm not! i'm very happy, with a side of conflicted. i need to spit it out. i need to talk about it openly. but i just can't. so i shouldn't complain, it is my self that is getting in the way of reaching the end of the conflict. but with so many potential outcomes, i'm pretty much just tongue tied. i know how to solve my problem i'm just ready yet.

and it's my blog so i will complain all i want. :P