well shoot.

i'm hoping my instincts are going to be wrong on this one.

within the matter of five days, i've found out my ex-boyfriend may actually be back in town for the summer, after i've spent a whole 8 months effectively distancing myself and being very happy with that success. and then, today, come to find out, the only guy i've successfully dated (it's over now) since the ex-boyfriend is applying to work at the pool i work at WITH his then ex and now current girlfriend.

that may make no sense to you. all you need to know is that it has REALLY BAD POTENTIAL. yes, it also has the potential to be nothing at all...but the fact that there is even a little bit of bad is just more than i wanted.

sigh. maybe there's some greater good behind all of this. i sure hope so. i'm not seeing it now, but maybe i will a little later. jeez criminey. :/

Quiet Time!

I'm going to be having a quiet day soon. I won't do any talking, outside of when I am directly asked a question by a professor (or other mandatory encounters of the like). I probably will take another break from Facebook that day as well, for the reasons listed on my previous blog about saying goodbye to that world.

I'm doing this for two main reasons. One, I feel that people are overly dependent on talking in their every day lives. Most of conversation is unnecessary; it is primarily a bunch of filler conversation because, in general, people in this day are really uncomfortable with silence. Silence is almost always described as "awkward," but I really don't think it has to be that way. I think it becomes awkward because people make it that way, but there is really nothing wrong with it. It just means there is nothing of big importance that needs to be said. It doesn't have to imply that someone is mad at someone else, or annoyed...it doesn't have to mean that someone is too bitchy, or too good to talk to someone else...it really doesn't mean anything at all!

Reason number two is, I am guilty of sometimes talking a lot. I consider myself to be a good listener as well, but sometimes I wonder what I may be missing from other people because I'm so busy thinking about the next thing I'm about to say, or even sometimes just plain talking over people. So I just want to listen better; if I don't allow myself to talk, listening will be all that I can do and maybe I'll learn something new. Maybe I'll realize something interesting that I never knew before about a person. I don't really know what to expect yet. Maybe I'll realize some of what I tend to say really doesn't always need to be said.

I think I'll do it a week from today. And maybe a few more times in the months after that. Depending on how the first few go. I'll write about it of course. :)

Perspective

So I had an interesting conversation with a friend today. I verbalized the way I view certain things about love; not something I do very often. It's not that I don't want to, it's just not something I think about consciously communicating about. Sometimes I just think what I think about things and don't wonder about if it's the way other people see it. Not that I'm not interested in the way they see it - I'm always interested in what people have to say - but I don't think my point of view would be all that interesting to them.

It started off talking about who falls in to the category of "my type." I've thought about this before, not so much recently, but in the past because I've listened to friends use the phrase in describing others. And I came to the conclusion that I don't have one. Everyone I've liked, or loved, or dated, has been totally different from all the others. Sure, anyone can find and draw a similarity between almost any two people, and that is no exception in my life. But in the big picture...nobody has ever "fit" into a single stereotype, or a single role. I just like who I like, and I love who I love; I don't pinpoint certain things about them that I love. If I love someone, it's quite simple to me. I just love them. And I think that is enough.

From there we ended up talking about how my perception of love has changed over the years. As I grow up, my idea of love matures and develops with me - the love I claimed to have felt for someone in the 8th grade is not what I would consider love by my standards today. The love that I felt in high school is even drifting farther and farther away from my current definition. I do not doubt that I loved those people then, I loved them in whatever way I knew how at the time. I think thats what everyone does. It's easy to excuse your feelings as, "Oh I thought I loved him, but now I know better." You only know better because you have grown up and learned, but at the time, you did love him in whatever way it was you knew how to love.

So stemming off of that, my general opinion of marriage, at least in the past year or so, has been centered around this maturation of perceptions and attitudes and understandings. When you get married to someone, you are in love with them at that moment in the way that you know how to at that time. Staying with them means that, despite of all these changes, you still love them. It's like, the connection you feel with the person you're serious in a life-time-sort-of-way about, is so powerful, it surpasses the changing definitions of love you encounter through-out the rest of your life with that person. Isn't that crazy? Some of this might be underdeveloped still, in a conversational manner, but just the thought of it is so large that it's hard to comprehend it all at once.

That is why I believe love is unconditional. Generally, unconditional love is associated with accepting another person despite their flaws, quirks, mistakes, and oddities because of the love you feel for them. That is all very true, but I think that is only an aspect of unconditional love. It also means that you are willing and able to love this other person regardless of your own condition, including your changing attitudes and perceptions. If you can love another person even as you are experiencing changes in yourself, I think that is what completes this idea of unconditional love.

So, that's where my mind is tonight. I'm not so sure anyone else even wants to hear all that, which is why I share it on here because I know it's relatively unknown. I just want to have it written out, you know, to remind myself every once in a while, or to allow myself to think a little harder about certain aspects. Or even just so a few years down the road, I can remember how I thought when I was 20...and see how much, or how little, I've changed.

Excuse Me

Let's excuse the first part of my last post (the part about the best friend still stands). I wrote like it was the end of the world, and it really isn't. I was just mad at myself for a weakness I had allowed myself mentally...honestly. I've built up certain things in my mind, certain outlooks on life and maybe some walls too, and I just had a rather shaking moment where I felt more vulnerable than I had intended to feel. And I just vented my frustrations in the overwhelmed-ness of the moment. And I had a lot piling up all in one day and it just was sucky. I haven't had a day like that in a while, and I forgot how discombobulating it could be.

I don't take back what I said, which is why the post is still there, but I recognize that I do have control. I'm not crazy (well not seriously haha). It's not over yet, but I'm definitely feeling better. I'm okay, I'm always okay.

I miss blogging. School is making me busy and while I'm enjoying most of it, I am looking forward to a repeat of last summer, where I can read and work and write and just spend a lot of time enjoying my own company and getting lost in my own thoughts.

Falling Off the Horse

well dammit. i screwed it up for myself. i was doing so well but i couldn't just be content and i pushed for more and what do you know, i ended up pushing myself right off.

i don't want to feel this way. none of that, "well only you control how you react to something" nonsense. no. i am not in control of this. i lost control of this a very long time ago. so i feel this way now and i can't fight it. and i'm upset and i'm confused and i'm frustrated. and i'm very much not okay.

and not to mention i'm just sad. i miss my best friend and i don't want to wait til Christmas. you gotta let me have my pity party on that one because i'll get over it soon enough; there isn't much other choice. it's just the icing on this dumb cake.

Pioneering It

When I was four my dad and I were home alone while my mom was visiting my grandma. It was pretty stormy and it caused the power to go out for a few hours. I had to take a bath before bed so my dad lit some candles in the bathroom and I took a bath in candlelight and I thought it was the neatest thing ever. The power came on half way through my bath, but I insisted that my dad keep the lights off until I was done with my bath. He gave in and when I was done we turned all the normal lights back on.

We had no power all day today - 4 am to 8 pm. Call me crazy, but I love it. I'm 20 years old and I still think it's as exciting to spend a day with no electricity as I did when I was 4. Had I not had to do English homework today, I would have been completely content with no power for the entire day.

It's a real test of your ability to entertain yourself. And it definitely cuts back on options for procrastination - I had an entire paper written before 1:00 this afternoon. I read, I went out shopping with my dad, I organized for the remainder of the semester, I talked to my grandparents...and never once did I say I was bored. Funny how there are days where I have electricity and I have complained that I was bored...I think I'll start watching myself before I use that phrase. Isn't there a saying or something that goes along the lines of "Only boring people get bored." I don't think I'm a boring person...

Anyway, no power tonight so I decided I was just going to go take my shower in the dark, with only a flashlight to give a little light. Half way through my shower my mom yells through the door, "The power's back on! Do you want me to turn on the light?" I thought about it...and I yelled back, "No it's okay! I'll wait till I'm done!" Some things never change. :)

SF: Day 5

How pleasant to wake up at 8:30 and have a text from Southwest Airlines saying my 12 o'clock flight had been cancelled. Fantastic. Groggy and confused, I got on the computer for the first time since I'd left school last Friday and tried to rebook my flight. After multiple denials by the internet and two twenty minute on-hold calls with the Southwest hotline, I finally got my flight rebooked and would be departing San Francisco at 2:40 that afternoon.

We just had a slow lazy morning. Breakfast of eggs, olive bread, and yogurt with berries. Packed up everything in the most strategic way possible, did a little reading, and then dozed off for another little nap before leaving for the airport. Trevor and I said bye, I thanked him profusely for a wonderful weekend, and then I was on my own in the SFO. I much prefer that airport to the LAX - it's huge but it just has a better feel about it. I settled down with a parfait bought from a little sandwich shop, my ipod, my book, and a notebook. I re-fell in love with Brett Dennen. I began writing about my first day in the city. I read a chapter in my book. And then I was on the plane, in the air, enjoying one last view of San Francisco before we flew into a sea of clouds and fog.

I was a little sad to be leaving the city so soon. It had brought up a lot of thoughts and emotions, ones that are still here for me to ponder; things that will probably come up a lot over the next few weeks in thought and in future blogging. I've gained some new perspective, some new ideas, some new passions. Who new that a few days could have that big of an impact? I've already been thinking about when I may be able to go back.

My sadness disappeared as I flew over the coast and got a beautiful, clear view of the islands and the sun sparkling on the blue ocean water; sights that I am blessed to associate with my home. Coming home also means there's time to plan for a new adventure, and I really can't wait. :)