Old Nonsense

"Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

With that being said and keeping that in mind, I have something from yesterday that I need to let go of. Sometimes I'm stubborn and I will let something draw out longer than it should because I don't want the other person to feel like I'm just giving in to their demands; I don't want to feel like I lost the battle. But I think I need to stop looking at it as a "battle" and trying viewing it as an "unnecessary conflict." If it's unnecessary, walking away and leaving it in the dust does not mean I have lost, it means I have stepped up and taken the action that needs to be taken. Rather than lowering myself to the level of pointless arguing and pretty much pointless, bickering conversation in general, I can walk away with a smile and say, "Fine. I'm sorry you feel that way, but I am not doing this with you." And every time I see that person from that point forward, I will be pleasant. No, I will not invite conversation. No, I will not go out of my way to attract their attention. No, I will not change the way I live my life to accommodate that person's insecurities that involve me. But I will smile and keep my head up instead of blankly looking down at the ground.

********

With that being said however, like I said, I still have something I need to let go of. And because I don't want more people involved in this than necessary, I'm going to do my final rant here, and from this point forward, it it is over and done with. I am moving on to my tomorrow with "too high a spirit" to continue dealing with this. Okay, here it goes.

THIS: "Okay please stop telling [person] and [person] I'm being bitchy to u cus I'm not. Not talking is not being bitchy. It's avoiding confrontation. Sorry I dnt want to have arguments. I've tried talking to u and u just act like I did something wrong so I'm basically like trying to stay out of your way as much as possible. I don't wanna cause any more problems with anyone. If this drama u have with me is just over [person] then it's not worth it. Me and [person] are just friends and I'd like to keep him as a friend but that isn't possible if all you to do is talk crap about me when u are together or texting. I said sorry a while ago and u like blew it off so those harsh feelings is what I still feel. We would be perfectly fine if we culd just act nice towards each other. I mean I still have good memories from jr. guards and stuff. Maybe those times culd come back." IS NOT AN APOLOGY. I don't know in what way you considered all of that to be an "apology," but if you were expecting me to apologize for anything, which it seems like you were, I suggest you lower your expectations.

#1: I didn't tell anyone you were being bitchy, that was all brought up to me by those people. They asked "Hey, why is she so rude to you?" So do not blame me for telling them this when you made it so painfully obvious that they felt the need to ask me about it. I've worked there for five years, I don't play these games that you seem to think I play.

#2: What argument are we having? We don't talk, I'm pretty sure arguing involves talking. All I'm asking is that you quit glaring at me every time I walk in a room. Don't say "I'm not glaring, I just notice when you walk by," because there is an obvious change in your face from when you go to talking to one person and turn around to "notice" me.

#3: I have no drama with you. YOU have drama with me that YOU are creating. I don't talk to you. I'm pretty sure, again, that for me to start drama with you there has to be some sort of initiation of that drama...which so far has all been on your end. And if you think that I am the one who is going to prevent you and said-person from having a friendship, you are very, very mistaken. The only one who is going to stop that from happening is you...everything you do to try and "win him back" or get him back on your side only pushes him farther away from you. If you'd quit being so absorbed in your own life and actually started to care about him and how he feels, you'd probably have noticed that a long time ago.

#4: I never blew off your apology. Even though I didn't know what you were apologizing for in the first place. I just DIDN'T WANT TO DEAL WITH IT. News flash: I still don't want to. Or, let me rephrase that, it's not that I don't want to, I just don't feel the NEED to. But no, we will never go back to "jr. guards memories." You've proven yourself to be quite a different person since then, and I'm no longer that 17 year old either.

But as of today. I will be cordial. I don't like you, but I will smile and wave anytime I see you "noticing" me again. You're welcome in advance. Rant over.

How can you get very far,

If you don't know Who You Are?

How can you do what you ought,

If you don't know What You've Got?

And if you don't know Which To Do

Of all the things in front of you,

Then what you'll have when you are through

Is just a mess without a clue

Of all the best that can come true

If you know What and Which and Who.

-Benjamin Hoff, The Tao of Pooh

Dear Poohad,

I suck at talking about stuff like this in person, so I'm going to try this instead. And then once I've got it all laid out on the table, feel free to ask or say anything that you want when we talk tomorrow night. Deal? Deal.

So, that guy that I dated? The one who got a job at the pool with his now ex-girlfriend. We're seeing each other again. I don't know why. He can be nice, he can be a gentleman...but sometimes he can not be also. I can't see myself being with him seriously in the future, or see it being anything long term. I guess I'm just trying to have fun with it. Maybe it's because I'm not enjoying being home and I thought maybe this would fix it. Maybe I'm looking for something...but not really finding anything. I don't know.

Anyway. He's said a couple things recently that have brought up some things in myself that I didn't think I had issues with. Well, what he's said in combination with a couple other things. Anywho, I don't expect him to be exclusive with me. He's not my boyfriend, if he finds another girl he is free to leave me and I won't be upset with him. But the last couple times we've hung out, he's jokingly said things that really brought up this strong emotion in me...like a shut-down sort of mode. Two nights ago we were hanging out and he was joking around grabbing things in the room and saying they were his, then he hugged me and said I was his. I don't think that was really meant as a big deal, he was just messing around. But I just had a really bad reaction to it.

But it added to this growing realization of how distrusting I am. And how scared I am that everyone I really love or let into my life is going to leave me, so I just stop letting them in, or push them out, or convince myself that they don't really care anyway. Anything I can do to make myself more "protected." Only it really just drives me crazy.

Like...this is the harder part. When you stopped talking for a long time, I got really scared. Actually I do every time that it happens. I'm worried, even though you've told me before, that you're going to leave me. Just like other people have. Maybe I just got spoiled with talking to you so often during the first semester and half, so it seems weird for me to not talk to you now. Even though I tell myself all the time, "He's busy, he has a lot going on," I still feel like you're going to change your mind and realize that you are okay without me being in your life. It's like, I've gotten so used to feeling replaceable that I don't see what's stopping you either. So before I even let you explain, I'd start to tell myself, "Well get used to it, he doesn't need you and you need to stop needing him." But of course, I say that but I never believe it. That I could just stop. It's all because for whatever reason I can't just believe people that are close to me really want to be there.

So then I do what I'm doing now. Have this thing with this dumb guy and just tell myself everyday not to get attached because that way I won't be the one getting hurt. But somehow I always get a little more attached than I should, even though I know, somewhere in me, that I'm not doing myself any favors by being with this guy right now anyway. I don't know what the hell I'm doing or why I'm doing it. But I'm probably just asking for trouble and putting myself in a situation that is only going to make my distrust worse.

I feel a little bit lost. Like at one point I was so sure of myself. But something happened. I don't really know how I got from there to here. But well, here I am. Told you, whining about my white girl problems. :P I could keep rambling, but the point of writing this out was to try and condense it so that I rambled less...so I'm going to stop now. Oovoo tonight, you have an explanation for me too!

Love,

Me.

Don't Call Me Yours

That makes me want to bolt in the opposite direction.

Even if you were saying it as a joke, I don't belong to you.

I don't want to belong to you. That's a big commitment.

I don't know how to do those sort of things anymore...not that I ever really did in the first place.

I feel like those are always empty promises anyway.

"You belong with me." "You're mine." "We're forever."

And then it ends. Forever can end? Hmm.

I just stop belonging with you? Oh, okay.

Don't say things you don't mean. Or make promises you can't keep.

And definitely don't even consider calling me yours if you know that at the drop of a hat you could find some other girl and leave me. Cuz then where does that leave me? Stuck on you, lost, and abandoned, that's where. Don't mess me up. I'm doing a great job with not getting attached.

Gratefulness Round 2

"I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person."

-Audrey Hepburn

Today I'm feeling grateful that I am able to smile and laugh. And I'm even more grateful to have people in my life that can genuinely make me do so. People always say it doesn't take much to get me to laugh...I like that. I like being able to smile and enjoy the company of others. I don't have much else to elaborate on for this one. I'm just glad I can. :)

I know what's wrong!

I forgot to just love life.

A shower epiphany, of all things. I've been looking for love too much. Looking for validation, looking for reciprocated feelings, looking for something that is nearly impossible to find if you are really looking. If I'm looking for satisfaction in loving others who don't love me back, of course I'm going to feel off-kilter!

I can't make anyone love me.

I can't control the involvement anyone is going to let me have in their life.

I can't fully dictate what all people are going to think of me.

I can remember how much joy the simple things bring.

I can take everything one day at a time.

I can get out and do things for myself that are going to make me happy.

No, it's not going to satisfy the romantic in me and give me that idealistic happiness that I'm really longing for. But I can't rush that, I can't force that. That will happen when it happens and I have to accept that. It's no longer an option for me to not. I love life, and I never fell out of love with it. I just forgot a little. It might be slow going along and getting back to that point, but it's better than staying where I am now.

Hello, Life. I'm sorry for neglecting you for so long. But part of the reason we are so compatible is because we are both overly forgiving. I know you'll welcome me back, even if I don't deserve it. I won't make you regret it.

Dear Future Boyfriend,

Please forgive me. I have my walls built up to the sky. I hope you're really here to break them down, brick by brick. Don't try to come crashing through all at once, I'll run away. I'm willing to try my hardest to get back to being the girlfriend that I know I can be, but I need you to be patient with me.

I want to trust you. I want to love you, freely and openly and without hesitation. I want to show you how much I have to offer. I want to drop my insecurities and know that you will love me for me, not just as a girl who can be a place holder until something better comes along. I want to believe you won't cheat on me, or lie to me, or lie about me. I want to believe that I deserve to be loved.

I need you to prove to me, in the face of my growing doubt, that all those wants are realistic. Please.

Love,

Me