It's been a thoughtful weekend for me...between late nights and a lot of time spent curled up in bed to avoid the rain, I had a lot of time to ponder things that had been pushed around in my mind for quite some time. I did two things...or rather said two things...that were kind of a big deal for me.
Number one, I said what I needed to say to the unmentionable person from a post or two ago. I wanted to forgive him, I wanted to. But when I gave him the opportunity to redeem himself, or make it better...he dropped the ball again. And I realized, maybe this is one of those times that I need to not cave into what I want in the moment, and remember what I want in the long run. And what I want in the long run...sure as hell isn't him. I don't want to feel so replaceable; like a time filler. Sure, in the moment I can choose to remain blissfully unaware of that, but that never lasts.
Number two, I sent a message to someone that I really needed to say something to. I haven't heard back, but I wasn't really even sure if I should expect to - she's most likely having the time of her life right now with my best friend. I understand the priority of that, I just needed to say what I had to say so that she knew that I wasn't bitter. Have I been bitter? Yes, very much so. Overwhelmingly so at some times. Have I been angry with her actions? Definitely. But the simple fact is, she makes my best friend happier than anyone else can - and I want that for him. He deserves to feel as much love as he can from this world, and I know that she is responsible for a good portion of that love. Her and I will never be best friends, but I'd be stupid to hold this grudge for the rest of my life. And the second part of it is - I'm not him and I'm not her...I'm not supposed to understand why things happened the way they did because it's not my life. I have my own life to live, and if I can seem to let go of their past, everything is going beautifully for them right now. And for him, that's all I could possibly ask for. A sense of beauty, and love, and hope...and happiness.
I cried the night I wrote out both of these two very important things. It wasn't really a sad cry though. I don't know how to explain it...it was more of a cry of realization: that I was letting go and learning what I needed to do, and doing what I thought in my heart was best to do. At first I felt a little outside of my self, but then I realized it really was me, I wasn't making these decisions to please someone else. I was taking matters into my own hands and doing what I probably should have done sooner.
I'm cleaning up my life. I'm letting who I've always known I am come through. My optimism, my love, my hope...those things have never been gone, but I've been letting them get mixed up with a lot of other things like bitterness, jealousy, frustration, and resentment. That's what's been getting to me lately - all those things that aren't me have been driving me crazy. And for whatever reason, this weekend became the start of me getting back to me. And let me tell you, I don't think I've ever been so ready for something.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Every day may not be good, but there is something good in every day.
I'm ready for this semester to be over. Don't get me wrong - not very much has changed in my perspective. Life is still going swimmingly (with the one exception that I'm not going to taint this post with)...I'm just so exhausted. To the point where I start doing less school work because there are some days where I literally can't bring myself to do it. I had two tests to study for today. Did I? No, I sat in front of my computer watching a mindless TV show on Netflix for hours. Given, I've felt as if I was on the borderline of an anxiety attack all day so I probably needed an afternoon of nothingness. But still...not entirely acceptable.
Today is what I would call "not a good day." Actually, the last couple have been that way, but increasingly less bad as compared to the original "not a good day," as per usual. But then, on this other social networking sight that I frequent, I saw the quote that I've posted as the title of this blog. Perfect for what I feel today...and kind of how my personality is in general.
So what good things happened today?
-I got out of morning class half an hour early.
-Kindergarten (despite the chaos that was today)
-Marcel the Shell 2! (if you haven't seen it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v
-Chats with bestie to make me a little more rational, and to point out some of the obvious.
-Eke made me a grilled cheese. I just love that girl.
-A seven slide powerpoint instead of a 60 slide powerpoint for art.
It's the little things, right? I've always been easily entertained, amused, inspired....etc. Life's simplicities tend to go a long way with me. Sometimes they just get lost among all the mumbo-jumbo of the day (yes, I did just use the phrase "mumbo-jumbo" in a serious sentence...add that to the list of good things that happened today).
But in the meantime...is it December 17th yet?
Today is what I would call "not a good day." Actually, the last couple have been that way, but increasingly less bad as compared to the original "not a good day," as per usual. But then, on this other social networking sight that I frequent, I saw the quote that I've posted as the title of this blog. Perfect for what I feel today...and kind of how my personality is in general.
So what good things happened today?
-I got out of morning class half an hour early.
-Kindergarten (despite the chaos that was today)
-Marcel the Shell 2! (if you haven't seen it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v
-Chats with bestie to make me a little more rational, and to point out some of the obvious.
-Eke made me a grilled cheese. I just love that girl.
-A seven slide powerpoint instead of a 60 slide powerpoint for art.
It's the little things, right? I've always been easily entertained, amused, inspired....etc. Life's simplicities tend to go a long way with me. Sometimes they just get lost among all the mumbo-jumbo of the day (yes, I did just use the phrase "mumbo-jumbo" in a serious sentence...add that to the list of good things that happened today).
But in the meantime...is it December 17th yet?
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Unwelcome feelings
Today was a hard day. But it was also probably something I should have expected to happen at some point. It happens when you put your feelings out there a little and you get involved with someone you probably know wasn't that great for you anyway. I know I deserve better; that's part of why I've been so non-committal this whole time. I'm not upset because of feelings I had toward this person, I was upset because my feelings in general were hurt. And because of the catching up of everything I knew was coming eventually. I should also stop saying "was," because truthfully, I am still upset.
Everything in my life is going beautifully except for this one aspect. I don't know what I need to do differently. But maybe, if I get rid of this connection I have with this person (or whatever you want to call it; it's far from a relationship), that will open up a new window for me, or at least shine some light on a new perspective for me. I made a wish last night, you know, at 11:11 on 11/11/11. I'm hoping to aid that wish on a little bit if I change some of the "old" and the "comfortable" in my life. I think I can do it.
I'm just a little bit worried that I'm desensitizing myself to some things in this realm of "love" or whatever you choose to call it. I know that I deserve to be treated as a priority, not as a second-best option. But...by keeping myself unattached, I validate someone else treating me as second-best. I say, "Whatever, I'm not going to be in a relationship with this person anyway." So why am I wasting my time? To hell if I know. I need to work on that.
I'm feeling a re-reading of Eat, Pray, Love coming on. That book makes my soul feel good. Opportunities, possibilities, and the important things in life. Yes please.
Everything in my life is going beautifully except for this one aspect. I don't know what I need to do differently. But maybe, if I get rid of this connection I have with this person (or whatever you want to call it; it's far from a relationship), that will open up a new window for me, or at least shine some light on a new perspective for me. I made a wish last night, you know, at 11:11 on 11/11/11. I'm hoping to aid that wish on a little bit if I change some of the "old" and the "comfortable" in my life. I think I can do it.
I'm just a little bit worried that I'm desensitizing myself to some things in this realm of "love" or whatever you choose to call it. I know that I deserve to be treated as a priority, not as a second-best option. But...by keeping myself unattached, I validate someone else treating me as second-best. I say, "Whatever, I'm not going to be in a relationship with this person anyway." So why am I wasting my time? To hell if I know. I need to work on that.
I'm feeling a re-reading of Eat, Pray, Love coming on. That book makes my soul feel good. Opportunities, possibilities, and the important things in life. Yes please.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
The Background Story
So. In a class yesterday, we mixed things up a little bit and did a class activity. The professor had us write three things down on a piece of paper: (1) where we were from, (2) our family members, (3) a struggle we had to over come in our childhood. After we finished he stood up and said, "Okay. I'm going to go first, and then whoever wants to can take the floor after." He told us about where he grew up and about his family that included his mother and father and his two brothers, one older and one younger. He shared with us the untimely death of his mother and the later death of his father. His father's passing was followed by his youngest brother deciding he wanted nothing to do with his family - they haven't been in contact for over 15 years.
He finished and everyone sat in silence. I can't tell you what everyone was thinking, but if it was similar to my thought process it was something along the lines of, "Are we really supposed to share what we wrote with the whole class? This is kind of personal...do I want everyone to know this about me?" But after a long pause, someone bravely stepped up and told their story. After each person finished telling, there would be a moment of silence, almost out of respect for that person's struggles, before the next person would pick up and start to tell us their story.
It reinforced to me how little you really know about the people you encounter on a day-to-day basis. I am in class with these people for a minimum of four hours a week - and I never would of guessed that some of them had been through or were going through some of these tragic things. People told stories of their parents divorce, the teasing they experienced as a child, mental or physical disadvantages that they were forced to cope with growing up, alcoholism, cancer, abuse...all of these stories in a class of just 20 people. I've always been a big believer in not judging someone you don't know, or not judging their actions because you don't know what their life is like or what it has been like. This really reinforced that for me. I haven't been judging the people in this class, but I'd never really gotten to know them either. You don't know these sort of things just by looking at people.
People connected within an hour over their similar stories. Not by verbally saying, "That happened to me," but by silently supporting and being able to stand up and share their story too. What was my story about? Alcoholism. But I only told it after another student was able to share how her mother's alcoholism effected her life. My experience wasn't with my mother, but it still greatly affected me, and she gave me the courage to say what I had to say because she took the brave step and told her story first.
Needless to say, it was a pretty interesting class period. Heavy, but interesting. Kind of changes the way you look at someone, but not in a bad way. At least not for me.
He finished and everyone sat in silence. I can't tell you what everyone was thinking, but if it was similar to my thought process it was something along the lines of, "Are we really supposed to share what we wrote with the whole class? This is kind of personal...do I want everyone to know this about me?" But after a long pause, someone bravely stepped up and told their story. After each person finished telling, there would be a moment of silence, almost out of respect for that person's struggles, before the next person would pick up and start to tell us their story.
It reinforced to me how little you really know about the people you encounter on a day-to-day basis. I am in class with these people for a minimum of four hours a week - and I never would of guessed that some of them had been through or were going through some of these tragic things. People told stories of their parents divorce, the teasing they experienced as a child, mental or physical disadvantages that they were forced to cope with growing up, alcoholism, cancer, abuse...all of these stories in a class of just 20 people. I've always been a big believer in not judging someone you don't know, or not judging their actions because you don't know what their life is like or what it has been like. This really reinforced that for me. I haven't been judging the people in this class, but I'd never really gotten to know them either. You don't know these sort of things just by looking at people.
People connected within an hour over their similar stories. Not by verbally saying, "That happened to me," but by silently supporting and being able to stand up and share their story too. What was my story about? Alcoholism. But I only told it after another student was able to share how her mother's alcoholism effected her life. My experience wasn't with my mother, but it still greatly affected me, and she gave me the courage to say what I had to say because she took the brave step and told her story first.
Needless to say, it was a pretty interesting class period. Heavy, but interesting. Kind of changes the way you look at someone, but not in a bad way. At least not for me.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Christopher McCandless | "Into the Wild" by Jon Krakauer
"I'd like to repeat the advice that I gave you before, in that I think you really should make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt.
So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give on peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future.
The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun."
So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give on peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future.
The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun."
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Potpourri
#1 - En Espanol
In my Spanish 201 class, we have three assignments at the end of every chapter - an oral presentation about a selected topic, a chapter exam, and a written composition about a selected topic. The oral presentation is always really challenging for me - I've gotten over my fear of public speaking enough to successfully present something in English, but Spanish is a whole other story. It's hard to get up there and not directly read from my paper when I get nervous; I know what to say and I know what I need to say and how to say it, but something takes over when I stand up there and it's like I've never read a word of Spanish before in my life. The exam is always easy, that's something thats always come easy to me. The Spanish composition is like a relationship...I start off with a lot of anxiety about it and I'm unsure of how it's going to play out. But then I fall in love with it - I fall in love with the topic, I fall in love with the language, and I fall in love with the potential it has. I often write well more than I need to (which is unusual for me), but I don't mind it. Even a little. Is it time for Costa Rica yet?
#2 - Adults are crazy!
So often I hear adults talk about the pitfalls of our generation (although many talk about the potential as well) - but uhm, hello? It was your generation who raised us. We didn't get this way by some unfortunate serious of events. I also don't like the tendency of us all to be generalized into one group; we all clearly do not have the same potential. So I'm not going to generalize all adults (although my title speaks differently), but I am going to say that some adults really do not set great examples for younger generations to look up to and aspire to be like. Specifically, because I know everyone is so curious, I'm currently talking about THINKING before you SPEAK. I don't know about other families and other time periods in history...but I have grown up knowing that it is not socially acceptable nor is it polite to just spit out the first thing that comes in to your mind in many situations. Also, just because you do not like what someone has to say, that does not give you the right nor should you feel inclined to verbally harass them in retaliation. People have opinions. You can disagree with them, you can whole-heartedly believe that they are wrong in every sense of the word...but by no means does that mean you go an attack them. Even my kindergarteners know that and they are only 5 years old! But just yesterday I witnessed a few adults who never seemed to have grasped that concept...or maybe they lost it in the process of "growing up." Hmm...
#3 - I started a new book.
I've only made it through the introduction, but I'm intrigued. My "big brother" got this book for me for my birthday last year and its been sitting on my shelf unopened until last night. I looked at it and I thought, "I think I'm in a good position to read this now." It's slow reading because it requires a lot of thought; the author doesn't just use words to fill up a page - he uses them to provoke questions and ideas. Some of the language I'm unfamiliar with, so it may cause me to misinterpret occasionally, but I figure it's not enough to seriously misshape what I'm going to get out of the book.
The book finds its foundations in the tale of Tristan and Iseult, one of the first stories of Romantic Love, and how the Western World has taken that style of Love and run with it, so to say. At the end of the introduction, Johnson states, "to honestly look at Romantic Love is a heroic journey." This is understood to mean that if you are truly analyzing this form of love, you can't just study the beautiful and idealistic view; you also have to dig into the unconscious and find the contradictions in Romantic Love that have yet to be worked out. One of the main points made in the introduction was that Romantic Love was to effect the conscious psyche of a people, or a society, but in order to be effective on the individual level, it had to be truly understood, and learned, and integrated. I'm not quite sure where its going yet, but it kind of seems like one of the points that may be made as to why Romantic Love is so skewed in the Western World is because people drive to find this Romantic Love without really understanding it. The idea of this beautiful love was accepted by society without questioning, and therefore lacking a thorough understanding.
I'm starting Part 1 tonight - How Tristan Was Born and Grew Up to Be a Great Knight. I'm sure I'll be posting again on this.
In my Spanish 201 class, we have three assignments at the end of every chapter - an oral presentation about a selected topic, a chapter exam, and a written composition about a selected topic. The oral presentation is always really challenging for me - I've gotten over my fear of public speaking enough to successfully present something in English, but Spanish is a whole other story. It's hard to get up there and not directly read from my paper when I get nervous; I know what to say and I know what I need to say and how to say it, but something takes over when I stand up there and it's like I've never read a word of Spanish before in my life. The exam is always easy, that's something thats always come easy to me. The Spanish composition is like a relationship...I start off with a lot of anxiety about it and I'm unsure of how it's going to play out. But then I fall in love with it - I fall in love with the topic, I fall in love with the language, and I fall in love with the potential it has. I often write well more than I need to (which is unusual for me), but I don't mind it. Even a little. Is it time for Costa Rica yet?
#2 - Adults are crazy!
So often I hear adults talk about the pitfalls of our generation (although many talk about the potential as well) - but uhm, hello? It was your generation who raised us. We didn't get this way by some unfortunate serious of events. I also don't like the tendency of us all to be generalized into one group; we all clearly do not have the same potential. So I'm not going to generalize all adults (although my title speaks differently), but I am going to say that some adults really do not set great examples for younger generations to look up to and aspire to be like. Specifically, because I know everyone is so curious, I'm currently talking about THINKING before you SPEAK. I don't know about other families and other time periods in history...but I have grown up knowing that it is not socially acceptable nor is it polite to just spit out the first thing that comes in to your mind in many situations. Also, just because you do not like what someone has to say, that does not give you the right nor should you feel inclined to verbally harass them in retaliation. People have opinions. You can disagree with them, you can whole-heartedly believe that they are wrong in every sense of the word...but by no means does that mean you go an attack them. Even my kindergarteners know that and they are only 5 years old! But just yesterday I witnessed a few adults who never seemed to have grasped that concept...or maybe they lost it in the process of "growing up." Hmm...
#3 - I started a new book.
The book finds its foundations in the tale of Tristan and Iseult, one of the first stories of Romantic Love, and how the Western World has taken that style of Love and run with it, so to say. At the end of the introduction, Johnson states, "to honestly look at Romantic Love is a heroic journey." This is understood to mean that if you are truly analyzing this form of love, you can't just study the beautiful and idealistic view; you also have to dig into the unconscious and find the contradictions in Romantic Love that have yet to be worked out. One of the main points made in the introduction was that Romantic Love was to effect the conscious psyche of a people, or a society, but in order to be effective on the individual level, it had to be truly understood, and learned, and integrated. I'm not quite sure where its going yet, but it kind of seems like one of the points that may be made as to why Romantic Love is so skewed in the Western World is because people drive to find this Romantic Love without really understanding it. The idea of this beautiful love was accepted by society without questioning, and therefore lacking a thorough understanding.
I'm starting Part 1 tonight - How Tristan Was Born and Grew Up to Be a Great Knight. I'm sure I'll be posting again on this.
Friday, October 28, 2011
el Internet
I have such a love/hate relationship with the Internet. I'm continually disgusted with what I see on it and how much of a time-suck it is, and then I go through this period where I disable the FB and keep my computer shut for days at a time. And it's great! I'm so much more productive with my time, I get more done, I find better things to do. But one way or another...I always end up back on, for many more hours than I need to be at that. I should specifically point out that the love hate relationship is mostly just with social networking. I even disgust myself with how much time I spend sitting on some of these sites.
I've blogged about this before, all the useless stuff I see people I know and people I don't know broadcasting to the world wide web. I'm guilty of it too, although I have definitely toned it down greatly. But when the biggest problem in your life is that Facebook changed its set-up again and you can't figure it out and you liked the old way better...I think that's when its time to get off the computer and go get a life. If that's what you're able to have a ten minute discussion about...well...I rest my case.
I feel like I'm on the verge of another social-networking vacation. Will it be permanent? Probably not; I'm not going to kid myself. But I've got better things to do. Like go buy a pumpkin and be a coach dressed up like a bumble bee for two hours for twenty 9-10 year olds hopped up on sugar. Better than reading about Jane's drunken mishaps from the night before and Bob's annoying English teacher? Absolutely.
I've blogged about this before, all the useless stuff I see people I know and people I don't know broadcasting to the world wide web. I'm guilty of it too, although I have definitely toned it down greatly. But when the biggest problem in your life is that Facebook changed its set-up again and you can't figure it out and you liked the old way better...I think that's when its time to get off the computer and go get a life. If that's what you're able to have a ten minute discussion about...well...I rest my case.
I feel like I'm on the verge of another social-networking vacation. Will it be permanent? Probably not; I'm not going to kid myself. But I've got better things to do. Like go buy a pumpkin and be a coach dressed up like a bumble bee for two hours for twenty 9-10 year olds hopped up on sugar. Better than reading about Jane's drunken mishaps from the night before and Bob's annoying English teacher? Absolutely.
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