"I feel..."

one day over lunch, sitting outside and enjoying a rare appearance of the sun, my best friend casually said to me, "you know, i've realized that you say i feel a lot." as in, where most people would say "oh i think this...." i'm more prone to say i feel this...

in our conversation, we kinda joked around about it a bit, and then moved on, probably to some gossip about a strange person we saw, or the fat centrum-squirrel that we feed french fries to. but when i think about it, that little difference reflects a lot about the way i am.

the truth is, i generally do tend to feel before i think.

i love before i question.

i defend before i doubt.

i accept before i judge.

all of those, i feel (haha) are based on a feeling that rises before conscious thought happens. and the latter may come as the initial feeling subsides and thoughts intrude.

its a blessing and a curse. because of this, i get attached easily. and on the flip side, i get hurt easily. it can really put your heart through the wringer - a lot more often and a lot more brutally. but it has allowed me to be more loving, more accepting, and more open....and i would never wish something like that away.

The Calm After the Storm

"I'm not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship." - Lousia May Alcott

you know when you have those moments where you reflect and you can actually tell how you've grown? where you think, "wow, a year ago, a similar situation would have made me react so differently?" today, i'm having one of those moments. and while it may feel less calm as the days go on, right now i just want to cherish the immediate feeling.

i cried, not out of sadness for what didn't happen, but out of joy for everything that has.

i value my optimism, but never like i have at this exact moment.

what's meant to be will be. if the timing is right, nothing is impossible.

i lost a little, but i gained soooo much more.

life didn't turn out exactly as i'd planned this time, but sometimes things turn out better that way.

there were bumps along the way, but i have grown and learned every step of the way.

i am left with a friendship that means the world to me, and for that i will be eternally grateful.

i. am. blessed.

it's not fair.

and don't you dare say "well, life isn't fair." i know that, but in this instance, it's beside the point.

an institution that serves to protect our country and represents the ideal patriotism should not be able to discriminate. discrimination is not patriotic. regardless of someone's background; they should not be judged on the person that they were, but rather the person that they are becoming.

so what if someone's record from a few years ago is a little sketchy? the institution itself wasn't there to observe it. they don't know the circumstances. and they refuse to see how much a person can change between then and now. A courageous, compassionate, and strong man can be judged and treated poorly based on something he did when he was 15? Content of character can change as a person grows and is influenced by his surroundings.

to act in such an unappreciative way to someone who has fought overseas and served our country, not just sat in a classroom and learned about it, is just simply not fair. and the difference between life being not fair and this instance is that this SHOULD NOT be this way. life's not fair and there isn't much you can do about that. but not letting someone return home for over six months, when there were opportunities for him to do so, just like all the other members of his company? that can be changed, as it should be.

Dear Institution to which I speak,

My friend has done more for this country than most people will ever do by the age of 18. You are wrong to judge him based on his past, when you have no clue of what and inspirational and compassionate person he has become. Not only has he changed other people's lives, but he has changed his own life more than any outsider would ever understand. Keeping him away from his friends and family longer than is necessary is a terrible way of thanking him for what he has done, and all the great things he hopes to accomplish. Way to be a huge, rude, unappreciative, disrespectful jerk.

With an increasing lack of respect,

Courtney

"Morning made all the difference."

i've been in a rather blah mood lately - partially due to the past two days of getting up waaaaay earlier than i'm used to.

i woke up this morning at 6:15 so I would be at work by 7:00 (aka: earlier than i've woken up since first semester haha) and i was exhausted, grumpy, and cold. bundled up in an oversized parka and sweats, i took all the equipment out to the pool and perched myself up on the guard stand.

people began to show up, and i forced a smile to cheerily say "good morning" or "enjoy your swim," many of them equally as chipper in response. the sun was shining, the pool was clear, there was very little wind, classic rock playing in the background, the smell of fresh cut grass...it got me wondering. what on earth do i have to be in such a bad mood about when i get to enjoy such a beautiful morning?

NOTHING.

so i flipped my attitude around. i wasn't fake cheery to the lap swimmers, i was sincere. i added some bounce to my step and i tried to think nothing but positive thoughts. in between shifts on the stand, i read "Three Cups of Tea." I just started it; its a narrative/biography sort of book about a young man who builds schools for poor villages in the Middle East. quite interesting so far...

i swam and caught up with sam afterwards, was home and showered by noon, in time to go adventuring with sarah. although the tired definitely hit me more as the day went on...it really is amazing how learning to appreciate a morning can make a difference in your whole day. =)

familia

today is a day where i have to remind myself to be grateful for my family.

be grateful i have a house to live in.

be grateful i have parents who love me.

be grateful i have food in my kitchen to eat.

sometimes its hard to remember that family does so much for me. especially on days like today, when all we do is fight. all i want tonight is to go back to school and be responsible for myself and not be held accountable to anyone else. i miss my independence.

i'm not holding a grudge. i'm just so unbelievably tired of all the stupid bickering. maybe if i just say less, we'll have less to argue about?

Troubled.

its the only word i can think of to capture what i'm feeling.

i know my blogs keep going back and forth, sort of stuck on the same vague idea, but if i'm going to be honest - that's exactly how my brain is working (minus the vague-ness, everything's very specific in my head).

this time...i blame Letters to Juliet. thank you for having a theme that was so pertinent to my life.

in a nutshell: "if it really is love, don't let it get away. don't wait until you're old and grey to do something about it. but its never too late." etc, etc, etc...you get the point...

but in real life, the boy of your dreams doesn't scale a building to reach you on a balcony and profess that he is "truly, madly, deeply, and passionately" in love with you.

he doesn't have a perfect life where he can travel the world as he so chooses.

he's not flawless.

he's not quite so...unattached.

in real life, he's attached to things like a freaking bug in a spider web.

he has imperfections.

he's not always where he should be at the ring of a bell.

he tells you he loves you but there's so much "ish" in the way that it constantly feels like he's just out of your grasp, and it would take a miracle of all miracles to change the path that its taking.

here's praying for a little beaten trail off to the side of that path.

My brain is restless today...

it's a little all over the place...so this post will probably reflect that and be a little scattered too. hey, that's just how i roll. ;) and everyone knows, when you have a lot on you mind, sometimes its good to just...you know...write it down. and then maybe it can give you a little peace of mind. or at least enough so that you can get some sleep.

today i logged onto facebook and there was a post of something from this girl's tumblr account - a girl i don't really know, other than we're from the same general area and we both go to cal lu. we added each other probably because of college, but i don't think we've ever actually spoken. anywho, the post starts off with "what happens if you fall in love with your best friend? (best friend as in its a guy)."

now i swear on my life, i didn't write that as much as it sounds like i did haha. but again, this just kinda goes to show that whatever struggle you, or i, may be going through, as lonely as it may feel...you aren't really alone. its hard to grasp that sometimes, i'm not saying i always do, but if eventually you can say "hey, people have dealt with this before, people are dealing with it now, and they're all still alive," maybe it can be a source of hope.

i over-think a lot of things. i read into things too often when i should just take them at their face value. i acknowledge this, i know it, but somehow thats not enough to convince me to stop. i think its because i worry that the one time i let go and stop over-thinking...that will be the one time that i should have. or maybe i do it to protect myself. so i can say "i knew it all along," and use that to push out any hurt that may follow. or maybe its a combination of the both.

for gosh sakes, self, just because someone doesn't say "haha" for a few messages doesn't mean the world has come to an end and they hate your stinkin' guts! ugh.

i watched the blind side with Kendra tonight (although my mother is under the impression that i saw it quite some time ago...but that's a story for another day =P). it was great, i totally loved it and pretty much fell in love with every character. but it also brought up this feeling i get sometimes, that i still haven't figured out exactly what to do about. i want to be involved in something that does something great for people. i want to give.

my life is blessed - i know i joke sometimes and say "i wish i was rich so i could buy whatever i wanted." but my life is rich, so rich, and i will be eternally grateful for the life i have. but i am itching to get out there and make a difference in some way. i just haven't figured out exactly what i want to do yet. but be ready, something's coming. cross my heart.