it's rant time.

i'm very very tired of seeing adults act like they are 12 years old. you think that you stop with the mindless gossiping, the shit-talking, the badmouthing and the immaturity once you learn what unattractive traits those are. blatantly disrespecting others and allowing others opinions to dictate your own should have been left behind with high school. sure you have the freedom of speech, but that freedom is a responsibility and abusing it is an ugly way to show appreciation. how does someone go through their whole life and never learn that the world doesn't revolve around them? i know 17 year olds who are more grown up than some of the 40 year olds i've encountered in my life.

i know i'm supposed to respect my elders, but how do i respect someone who is incapable of showing respect in their own behaviors? i view the term elder as someone who is more experienced and wiser than myself. and forgive me for being bluntly direct, but i do not believe all adults are wiser than me, they may be experienced, but they gain nothing from it. i am almost 20 years old - do not demand my respect if you are incapable of being respectful yourself.

God help me if i ever, ever, develop such unattractive and childish traits and means of interacting. i could never forgive myself for becoming that way. if that's what it means to "grow up," then i hope i stay young forever.

...end rant.

"Life is like a box of chocolates..."

i'd almost forgotten what it was like to sit down and talk with someone for hours, but to lose all concept of time. to have a few hours feel like one. to sit and listen and watch someone talk to you about something that really means something. or to feel like someone's not just listening to you, but that you are actually being heard.

it's funny how Life is. how you can have a plan, but usually Life doesn't really like to follow your set plan. Life is stubborn, independent and defiant. but Life is smart and caring also; it has it's own plan and sometimes you just have to trust it. you can push it away, and you can resist it with every bone in your body...but Life always wins. so why fight it? just accept that Life has a plan and sometimes it doesn't go the way you would like and sometimes it sucks...but you and Life have the same goal: your happiness. so why not just accept that things aren't going to go your way, and know that there is a bigger purpose behind everything? save yourself the grief.

i've been getting a few lessons in this lately...and not just in the small scale of a conversation venturing off course to completely new topics. bigger things. things that i'm realizing but can't quite let go of yet. but it will happen, i will let go eventually.

lapse of spirit

sometimes you just need a break from being the strong one.

you need an evening to let everything catch up with you.

to feel upset for you instead of for everyone else.

instead of holding up for those who need you.

its hard when you think the whole story might mess things up.

to try and tell part without telling the whole.

you look more stupid without the background story.

and it takes all the strength you have left to hold back the rest.

it would be easier to tell everything, to put it all in the open.

you don't want to add more fire to the flame that others feel.

so you neglect yourself.

and wait for a moment of bottled up emotion to break free.

and when it does, you push it away as quick as it came.

do the needed damage control, and go on as if it never happened.

merry christmas!

i don't even need tomorrow to come to be happy with everything as it is right at this moment. i'm home with a family who loves me. i've been lucky enough to see friends i haven't seen in a few months. my best friend is home and safe. and once again i am simply awestruck by all that i have been blessed with.

i would never describe myself as religious, spiritual maybe, but not religious. however, in attending a private religious university, you can't help but pick up on things, especially in religion classes. Christmas is a celebration of the birth of Jesus, and the number one thing that Jesus stands for is love. Love. so today i will surround myself with people who love me, and i will make sure those close to me know they are loved because i believe that is truly what this holiday is all about. not just about the presents, not just about Santa, or sugar cookies, or christmas lights...it's about the love that is shared in the ideas, the set-up, the concepts of all of those things.

so merry christmas to everyone, may your day and your life be filled to the brim with all kinds of love! ♥

Materializing Importance

i have a really hard time buying people christmas presents, especially people who mean a lot to me. i don't know why, i think i just put too much pressure on myself to get them something great and meaningful, and then any hint of an idea just escapes me because i'm so worried about it being perfect. so what happens? its almost two days before christmas and i'm still stumped.

but presents shouldn't matter right? i mean, i don't expect to get things from others, more often i would rather not...people don't need to spend their money on me. but i understand that it is used as an expression of feelings toward another person, and although not altogether necessary, it can be a nice gesture. when viewed in that context, obviously it shouldn't matter what you give to another person, the gesture in itself says enough. i feel that way about people giving me gifts...someone could give me something i may never use in my whole life, but i would appreciate it because there was definitely some thought behind it.

people say "it's the thought that counts." i think i'm getting to caught up in how big the "thought" is, rather than the fact that it is just there. i feel to big of a need to show people how much they mean to me by the greatness of the gift i get them, not necessarily in terms of price, but in terms of making sure i get the one thing in the world that i see as the most perfect for them. but why worry about making or buying a gift that says that, when i can use my words and just say it?

psh, easier said than done (no pun intended).

today's moment of beauty

today i sat in my car in the pouring rain waiting for a friend i was meeting for coffee. i looked out my window and saw the blurry image of an elderly couple leaving the cafe next door, bundle up from head to toe in rain-proof clothing. they walked slowly and cautiously to their car, the man standing behind the woman, holding the one umbrella over her head, while he got soaked by the downpour. his eyes were looking downward, not watching his own feet but rather the slow steps of his wife, arms out next to her side, ready to catch her if she were to slip or fall.

they reached the curb and as she started to step down, they exchanged some words as the man moved around her and stepped down the curb himself before holding out his hand to help her down the step. all while keeping the umbrella over her head. he walked her around the car, opened her car door for her and held her hand as she climbed in. only after closing her door did he walk back around and get in the driver's side.

it took probably a good three minutes longer than if they would have walked separately to their respective sides of the car. the man probably got more drenched than he needed to have. it wasn't necessarily the easiest way to go about it.

but it was beautiful.

sucks the joy right out of christmas!

i really dislike being at school during the month of december because it really does make christmas come as a surprise...and by the time i realize its actually here, it seems that it's already gone. it doesn't feel like christmas here at school. lights in windows of dorms are not the same as going on a tour of the neighborhood back home. wrapping and unwrapping presents isn't the same with out the christmas tree.

i don't like missing out on putting the lights up on the house with my dad. i don't like that buying our christmas tree and decorating it gets pushed back because of finals week. i miss my family. i miss my friends. i just want to be home already! i want to feel like christmas!

one. more. day.