"You can't choose who you love...

...it just happens."

true that. i shouldn't be allowed to write when i'm in a crummy mood. it makes me sound like i'm this terribly cynical and melancholy person. but i promise i'm not! i'm very happy, with a side of conflicted. i need to spit it out. i need to talk about it openly. but i just can't. so i shouldn't complain, it is my self that is getting in the way of reaching the end of the conflict. but with so many potential outcomes, i'm pretty much just tongue tied. i know how to solve my problem i'm just ready yet.

and it's my blog so i will complain all i want. :P

interrupted sleep

so here's this really weird thing. i haven't talked to, or let alone barely even thought of my ex-boyfriend in months. and in pointing that out, i'm not referring to it as a bad thing - it's been beautifully liberating. odd because for so long it was normal for me to worry about our post-relationship relationship...this has been really refreshing.

so here i've been, pretty content with my life that did not revolve around him in any way shape or form. but for the past week and a half he keeps showing up in my dreams! I usually don't remember the small details, but every time it involves him being down right rude to me, insulting my decisions in various aspects of my life, and doing his best to make me feel totally incompetent. he's mean. and dream-me knows that what he says carries no weight, but it still hurts to hear those things said to me or about people or things important to me.

he's never been that way to me in real life. and like i said before we haven't communicated in months. i rarely ever even think of him. so i don't understand where this is coming from. its really upsetting to me when i wake up. i was woken up mid-dream the other night by a text message...and instead of the usual disoriented "what's going on" feeling, i felt relieved. even half-asleep me could tell that it was an unusual way to wake up feeling. but i found myself wanting to stay awake until i was sure i wasn't going to fall right back into the same dream.

i don't like it. it doesn't make sense. and i would like it to stop. the end.

What's the word...

here i am, up far later than i planned on. writing a letter, my things not as packed up as they should be, and my thoughts off in some far distant wishful land.

isn't it weird when words really do fail? when you are filled to the brim with emotion and feeling...yet you lack the means to verbally describe it? you know millions of words, but none of them seem adequate to describe the rush of what just wants to come spilling out of you. it's a crazy concept. but frustrating too. you can make meager attempts at conveying what you feel, but you just end up dissatisfied because you leave the conversation feeling that the other person doesn't truly understand. and it's not their fault - it's yours for not being able to communicate sufficiently. try as you might, it just doesn't come out the way you would like it to.

the words your brain assembles are just not enough to relieve your heart of all that it would like to say.

Break

i'm taking a brief hiatus from writing. my thoughts are very jumbled and not always coherent, but i think that will sort out once i'm back to school. i think a little more clearly when i'm on my own. and i lack a lot of "me" time while i'm home...its hard to find the opportunity to be alone with my thoughts.

i'll be back, within a week. pinky promise...and i don't ever break a pinky promise. those mean serious business!

"Some people care too much, I think it's called love."

-Winnie the Pooh ♥

"is this real life?"

when i was a little kid, and something big and important was happening in the near future, i would think about it allll the time. like Christmas for example. when it changed to december, my brain would be completely consumed with thoughts of cookies, decorations, presents, lights, reindeer, Rudolph, Frosty, Santa, etc.

my anticipation levels would pretty much max out come december 23rd - i would go crazy! nothing mattered in life other than the fact that christmas was in two days. food? who needs it. all my old toys? they'd still be around in a few days. sleep? i'd stay awake for as long as i possibly could (of course not logically thinking that sleep would make the time pass faster). real life was literally suspended.

but i would eventually fall asleep. c'mon, i was only 5 or 6...all nighters weren't even fathomable for me at that point. and i would have the wildest, anticipation-induced dreams...about Christmas. and in my dream, everything would be everything i could have hoped, but better. i would dream that i could hear Santa up on my roof and it was just great because he had absolutely NO idea that i was awake! I would feel so sneaky. then i would glance out my window and i could see Rudolph's nose flashing! 5 year old me = totally blown away. and when i'd wake up before the sun to get my parents started on the Christmas festivities, i'd be completely convinced that i wasn't actually dreaming...it was all real!

i've done that almost my whole life. when something is on my mind all day, the consuming-sort of thinking, i dream of it. and in my dream, its usually always unrealistic for real life. but it is a dream after all, right?

the only difference between 5 year old me and almost 20 year old me...is now when i wake up, i can differentiate between my dream and reality. when i wake up after a dream of that magnitude, i just wish i could fall back asleep so it could continue where it left off; i accept that it isn't real life. if i dream i can fly, i don't jump out of bed and flap my arms expecting to soar out to the kitchen. just for example. or if i spend a couple days really upset over something, i'll go to sleep and for the hours that i'm asleep, my heart gets some rest because in my dream, everything is better. unfortunately, unrealistically better. i believe the correct word is "perfect."

and yet again i find myself saying, "oh to be five again...."

why does it have the word good in it?

goodbyes aren't even good. they should be called badbyes. because they suck.

#1) i'm really bad at goodbyes.

#2) i'm even worse at the goodbyes that i have to say on days like tomorrow.

#3) if i'm crying before i've even had to say goodbye, you know its not going to be a pretty in-the-moment sort of thing.

"Sometimes when you have to say goodbye...you can't say it because your heart won't let you."

"Why are the words 'goodbye,' 'I'm sorry,' and 'I love you' so easily pronounced but so hard to say?"

i'm very not ready for this. not that i'm ever really ready, but something is different this time. and if anyone can tell me what it is, please, be so kind to share. because i'm baffled. i feel like a part of me is leaving...and not just a dumb part like my spleen (sorry...poor attempt at humor), but a really big and important part. its hard to say goodbye knowing you won't see someone for a possible eight more months, especially after two wonderful weeks.

it's so much harder this time. but i wouldn't trade the last two weeks for anything in the world. and i can't wait till the next time.

"Missing someone gets easier every day because even though it's one day farther from the last time you saw each other, it's one day closer to the next time you will." - Author Unknown

"Distance never separates two hearts that really care, for our memories span the miles and in seconds we are there. But whenever I start feeling sad cuz I miss you, I remind myself how lucky I am to have someone so special to miss."

"If there ever comes a time when we can't be together, keep me in your heart and I'll stay there forever." - Winnie the Pooh

it's rant time.

i'm very very tired of seeing adults act like they are 12 years old. you think that you stop with the mindless gossiping, the shit-talking, the badmouthing and the immaturity once you learn what unattractive traits those are. blatantly disrespecting others and allowing others opinions to dictate your own should have been left behind with high school. sure you have the freedom of speech, but that freedom is a responsibility and abusing it is an ugly way to show appreciation. how does someone go through their whole life and never learn that the world doesn't revolve around them? i know 17 year olds who are more grown up than some of the 40 year olds i've encountered in my life.

i know i'm supposed to respect my elders, but how do i respect someone who is incapable of showing respect in their own behaviors? i view the term elder as someone who is more experienced and wiser than myself. and forgive me for being bluntly direct, but i do not believe all adults are wiser than me, they may be experienced, but they gain nothing from it. i am almost 20 years old - do not demand my respect if you are incapable of being respectful yourself.

God help me if i ever, ever, develop such unattractive and childish traits and means of interacting. i could never forgive myself for becoming that way. if that's what it means to "grow up," then i hope i stay young forever.

...end rant.