Spare Moment

I haven't had very many of these since moving back into school. Go to school, go to internship, go to school again, work, work from my room, do my homework...and of course eat and sleep somewhere in between there. It's funny how quickly my body adjusted to going from 9-10 hours of sleep a night to 6-7 hours. But I still don't feel like this is anything I can't handle. I still feel like I'm sitting on top of the world.

I just had this moment today, walking around the tables during kindergarten Center Rotation, helping the kids and having them come to me with their questions and problems, and I realized with a new perspective that I'm TWENTY years old, almost twenty-one. I'm not a child, I'm an adult. All 27 of those little lives look to me for direction and aid and they don't differentiate between a college student and an adult; I am an adult.

My master teacher has been giving me more and more independence with the kindergarteners and relying on me more to do things of actual value with them, instead of just supervising. I'm absolutely loving every minute of it. Recently I've been helping the kids who struggle with writing their name, and it's so fantastic to see their eyes light up when you tell them how awesome they are doing, or how much they are improving. They are so precious and innocent and I wouldn't want to spend those two hours of my Tuesdays and Thursdays in any other way. I'm so certain that this is what I was meant to do in my future; I don't think I've ever been so sure of anything.

A Sensible Change

This first week of school has been unlike any other. I can't remember the last time I felt as sure of myself as I feel right now. I must admit, it is a nice change. But it's so hard to describe...I've been mulling it over in my mind all week and I just can't figure out how to put it into words. Something just feels different. I've been happy before and I know how it feels, so I feel like describing this as happy isn't doing it justice - because it doesn't feel the same. It feels deeper, more satisfying...more radiating.

I don't know what's caused it and I don't know what to call it other than a miracle. For the first time in a long time I feel like my happiness is not dependent on anyone other than myself. Even in the midst of the chaos of this week, I have not become overwhelmed and I don't feel that it's anything that I can't handle. In fact, I know I can do everything that is being demanded of me and still be happy. That's how sure I am of what I'm feeling.

I think the strangest thing is, I don't know what triggered this change. It's just like, one morning I woke up and realized I didn't need to look at my feet when I walked down the side walk; I could look up and enjoy everything around me and smile at people as they walked by. I didn't need to fight for things to happen that obviously just weren't meant to be; I could let it go and enjoy the things in my life that wanted to happen for me. I'm not feeling this way because of an event, or a boy, or a particular situation...not a single thing can be pinpointed as the cause. It's just there.

I'm busy and I'm stressed out and I have so much to do...but I feel so at peace. I feel like the sun is inside my heart and I am glowing with joy and love and life, and I don't ever want this feeling to go away.

To try? Or not to try?

I was thinking today...I seem to do better at things when I think about them less; when I'm not actually trying really hard to do them. Like when I wrote about how getting a job has come so easily for me; I've never had to go out and work for it, it just happens. But it's almost inevitable that if I had to go look for a job, it would probably be much harder.

It's like when you lose something. You panic and you look for it and you're searching and you can't find it no matter where you look. Shortly after you give up and stop frantically tearing everything apart, it just seems to show up out of thin air and presents itself to you. Like "poof!"

Maybe if I "try" a little less and just "do" a little more, things might be easier. It used to make me so mad when I'd say I'd try something and people would say, "No, just do it!" But now I think I get it. Like, when I calm down, tell my brain to be quiet and just go with the flow a little more, things just automatically get easier. Call me crazy, but I think I'm onto something here...

It is time

This is me. This post is a promise to myself that I'm going to work on my self-confidence, that I'm going to look past my imperfections and my flaws and realize that I can love myself just the way I am. It's never been easy for me to do that. I don't expect it to be any easier now. But how can I expect someone else to love me, or expect to love someone else, if I can't love myself first?

I'm back at school, and I think I'm at a spot in my life where things are going really well for me for the most part. I feel good about the way I'm living my life, and I think that is the first step in this process. I'm ready to stop saying I'm moving forward and actually start moving forward. I've always said that actions speak louder than words, but I have failed to put that into effect in my own life. Until today.

A young girl that I coached over summer sent me this text after we completed the last meet of the season: "You are the best coach I will ever have. Thank you for believing in me when I didn't believe in myself. Thank you it was so much fun, I'm thinking about doing it again next year." I love that I can inspire people in that way, but I feel like I'm missing a piece of the puzzle when I'm able to help others believe in themselves, but I don't believe in me. I feel almost hypocritical, as grateful as I was to get that text, and I realized more than ever at that moment that it is time to stop being stuck in this self-imposed mud and time to start crawling out.

I'm promising myself this. And there is nothing I hate more than a broken promise.

Is summer over yet?

I'm exhausted. I've worked over 40 hours a week every week this summer and I'm ready to go back to school. Feels like more of a vacation being there than it does being home (with the exception of a couple weekends here and there). I'm ready to have a routine. I'm ready to have my own space.

Weird things have been happening and I take that as a sign that it's just time to move on. I'm getting itchy in my own skin and that is never really a good thing.

So anywho, in the midst of all this wildness this week, I made this really strange connection. I was thinking about how blessed I am in the sense that I have never really had to struggle to find a job - opportunities have always just fallen into my lap, right when I need them or sometimes even when I don't need them at all. How does that make me blessed? Well let's just not even get started on the job market. In the state that this country is in and the rate of unemployment, I feel more than lucky that I have been able to be employed for the last five years of my life, in one way or another.

So then I was thinking about it some more, and I realized, on top of never having to struggle to find a job, I've never even really had to hunt for a job. I've never looked, they've just kind of shown up and presented themselves to me. Here's where I made this connection - I've heard the quote from more than one person that, "whenever you stop looking for something, it will just show up," or something along the lines of that. Typically, people say it with regard to love. "You can't go looking for love, it just shows up when you least expect it." But it has been applied to other situations as well.

Is that really true? Have I been so fortunate in the job market because I've never really looked or been determined to find one? Do they really just fall into my lap because I'm just going with the flow? Hmm. And more importantly, is this really the case in all aspects of life? If I just let go, remain calm with whatever happens, and trust that everything will work out without holding expectations...will things just fall into place?

I'm sensing some Dao of Pooh-isms here...but with that I leave my thoughts unfinished. Those questions haven't been answered in my head yet, so...to be continued.

Why is unenthralling not a real word?

Well I was thinking today (I know, when am I not thinking?)...about thinking. Because of a thought provoking discussion on the idea of "unnecessarily thinking," or as I tried to correct myself and say "unnecessarily doubting." Is there such a thing?

The argument was posed to me that "doubting makes you wonder, makes you question, makes you think...and that is never unnecessary." I started to ask, what about when someone makes you doubt something you were previously sure of, but then I sort of dropped the conversation. Because I had brought up a good point to myself.

Today I changed the word "doubt" to "second-guessing," because I feel that it has less of a negative connotation and I wanted to look at this as unbiasedly as possible. So, is it unnecessary to second-guess something I thought I was sure of? Maybe not. Maybe I spoke too carelessly, used the word unnecessary too freely. Unnecessary means something is not needed, but truthfully, shouldn't a degree of second-guessing always be needed? If everyone just accepted everything they were told, the world would be a very unenthralling place to live and there would be a complete absence of free thought - something I feel very strongly about.

So in the grand scheme of things, I would have to disagree with my original statement and agree with the opposing statement...thinking is not unnecessary. You win this time, punk. :) But in the smaller context I used it in, I still think I'm right, so there. :P

Sound Mind

If it's possible to do a complete 180 over the course of a weekend, I think I did. Or at least a 140. It was like, Friday night I hugged my best friend for the first time in 8 months, and suddenly I could just think clearly and I was like, "What on earth have I been doing??"

Friday night I couldn't sleep because I was just way too excited that everything had actually worked for once and he was actually HERE. After hanging out all day Saturday, I slept better than I have all summer - 12 hours to be exact. I felt like I was reminded of who I was; the person who I felt had been missing or lost for the last few months was still there. It was really strange, but I suppose I should have expected it.

I woke up Saturday morning, and it was like I'd changed overnight. I was confident in what I needed to do about everything I'm having issues with in my life. Guy I was dating? It needs to be done and over with. It was never a good idea in the first place, and I'm better off without that complication in my life. Issues with friends? I can't keep pushing those issues to the side forever, I need to acknowledge them, deal with them, and move forward with my life. Moving forward does not mean pretending nothing happened. It means growing and getting past any issues and continuing on with my life. How I feel about myself? I am okay. I was never not okay, despite how I've felt at moments through-out this summer. I just need to keep taking life one day at a time, and not letting the things that may prove relatively insignificant get me down.

Today was a little rough because he left. But the goodbye days are always the hardest ones for me. But I had to remember that all of those clear-headed thoughts that I had yesterday don't go away because he went away...those thoughts were still real and valid and important. And as always, I have a sad day on the day poohad leaves, but I'll be better by tomorrow and this time, I've got a new and improved attitude too. Let's hope it sticks around.