You know what I hate?

When people read my blog out of the blue and decide to test me on what I say. I don't blog on here for anyone but myself. So no, I don't feel that I have to defend what I say because I'm writing for myself. I'm pretty sure I said clearly in that last post that if you don't like what I have to say, you should stop reading. If you don't like what I have to say, so be it - but don't you dare EVER criticize what I have to say on here or how I say it.

Maybe if you read this more regularly, you'd understand that I don't just "say" these things, since apparently I'm just saying the same things that everyone says and that's not going to change anything. Maybe you would have known that I'm working on dedicating the rest of my life to changing things in the best ways I can. Maybe you wouldn't be so condescending and arrogant and think that you have the right to tell me how I should think.

If you don't like it, get off. And don't come back.

Here comes some opinions

I'm sick and extra feisty, which only increases how opinionated I am. Not that I wouldn't have an opinion about this otherwise, but it's just a little amplified. So let me preface this with saying, you are not obligated to agree with me; in fact, you can disagree with me completely. I really don't care, you can stop reading at any time.

So there's this quote: "Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it."

Last night I read an article about the mandate for California public schools to start implementing the education of key leaders in the Gay/Lesbian movement for equality into the curriculum. Obviously, people are freaking out. This guy was quoted in the article, and I wish I could remember what the article was or where it came from, but it was a very disturbing and narrow minded perspective...and I have to say, I was completely appalled. In more words or less, he supported the repeal of this bill or the mass removal of children from public schools because it would be persuading children towards homosexuality. Seriously?

Let's back up for a minute, in a brief reflection of that quote I mentioned earlier. The struggle for equality for slaves after their emancipation from slavery was a long, hard road. But it was ultimately decided that these people are citizens of this country, regardless of the color of their skin. They are still people. Yes, the Bible did say that slavery was acceptable, but we quickly realized that the context and the time that this was written was a long way off where we were at that point in history. The got the rights they deserved, but not without facing prejudice and torture along the way. It took another HUNDRED YEARS for blacks to really reach anything close to equality.

But here we are, doing the exact same thing. I don't know what it is, but for some reason people refuse to see the parallels. Yes, the Bible does condemn homosexuality - but just as it was with slavery, we are SO far from that way of thinking that you can't possibly use that as an excuse. Just because you teach about key leaders in the LGBT movement doesn't increase the chances that your child is going to become gay and more than teaching about Martin Luther King, Jr. is going to make your kid black. It's a real life thing. We don't shelter children from the realities of war and death and murder, so why should we shelter them from the fact that sometimes, a girl can like a girl and a boy can like a boy and that's just a part of the world?

I debated putting this on my other blog, because it is so closely tied to education and what has been a theme of my last couple posts.  But the opinion portion made this blog feel more appropriate. I just don't understand how people can be so ignorant of the past. Social history fascinates me; I understand that may not be everyone's cup of tea...but c'mon, at least know enough to prevent yourself from looking like a fool and failing to see that we are doing the exact same things we did hundred of years ago.

My art T.A. this year is in her credential year at my school - she told me a story about a little girl named Yakilin who came up to her and said, "Teacher, you know boys like girls and girls like boys...but sometimes boys can like boys and girls can like girls and grandmas can like grandmas and that's okay." Yeah. I'm sure it made you giggle - it made me laugh too - but think about it. This little girl is SIX years old, and she shows more wisdom than half the adults in this country. Kids are naturally accepting; they learn otherwise by the influences in their life.

So a big fat sarcastic thank you to all the intolerant adults in the world ensuring that intolerance will continue by influencing the open-minded.

Closure

I'm starting my New Year off perfect. Like really, no sarcasm. I feel like a clean slate (or a book with a blank 365 pages, if you're a regular follower). I spent the first 5 pages wrapping up old news and now is when it really begins.

But not without a little writing about the closure today. I don't have a lot to say about it; but I do have something. Most people, myself included, thought I'd found this closure a little over a month ago. I thought I had, but something was still a little unsettling. I don't like being mad at people, particularly when they go away for a long time. So I chose to move passed my frustrations and my fears for a night and just let things be as they had, reassured in the fact that it was definitely the end. And I ended on a good note, just like I wanted to.

I suck at goodbyes. But I said a big one today, whether I want to acknowledge it as being a big one or not. I felt a lot when I drove away, a tear was definitely shed. Not because I feel that I'm going to be missing something, but because I just worry about him. I know this is going to be good for him though, and good for me too.

Goodbye sense of obligation and sense of settling, I wish it hadn't been this way and that I was enough to cause a change, but I wasn't and I won't ever be. And you know what? That is completely okay. One door closes, but that doesn't mean there aren't plenty more that are already open and just waiting to be tried.

Happy New Year!

"Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one."

I saw that on another social networking site; it's not the typical New Year sentiment expression. Maybe that's where the appeal comes from, but I also just think it's an awesome way to look at the opportunities a New Year brings. Think about it: within a book, say a 365-page book, how often is it just a sequence of really awesome things all strung together with an awesome ending and everything is just happy-happy-happy? Never. Because a book needs plot and plot needs conflict and conflict generally requires some sort of negativity. But even when something bad happens - a hero gets thrown off course, love is unrequited, a loss is experienced - it's just a page or two of the whole story. Things don't always work out by the end of the book, but they don't end without hope or promise or knowledge that it really isn't the end. Life is definitely never a "happily ever after," but it's never really a "everything is gone and over" either.

So life is like a book; or at least that's how I think I want to live and think in the next year. Sure, it could be a page turner or it could be an easy read or it could be a challenging required read that I have to push myself to get through. It could be full of characters and adventures or it could be a tale of a personal journey of betterment. Those are things that I don't know, but there are things that I do know also. I don't want it to be a trashy summer read of a book, I want it to be a beautifully crafted novel worthy of the classics and the most praised of literature. I don't want it to be shallow and emotionally neutral, I want it to be rich and moving and full of real life. Those are things over which I have control.

Life is for living, in the good times and the bad times, in the hard times and the smooth times. I'm not really a resolution-ist, because I don't think you need a new year to make changes in your life. But, I will make one this year because I think it is appropriately unspecific for something like the start of a new year. My new years resolution is to fight stagnation in everything I do. In every way, I want to grow and change and learn and progress. Or even regress, because although it isn't positive, that is still something I am capable of learning from.

So happy new year to everyone, may your new book be riveting and full of growth and understanding. I'll be reading and writing my way through the New Year, but never in place of actually living.

Big News! Number 2

I'm starting another blog, not in place of this one...but in addition to this one. :)

If you're interested, you can find it here.

This is why I don't get mad at people.

I am moved. I am praying. I just had the most heart-wrenching conversation with someone I haven't talked to in a month because I was angry with him. I had every right to be...on the surface. But I failed to look deeper, and I'm a little ashamed of myself. My heart broke for him tonight; I hate that life is so hard for some people and so easy for others. I hate that I've known almost no real problems in my life and that I, more often than not, take that for granted.

Everyone has a reason for being the way they are; every person is a summation of their life experiences. And I think too many people aren't sensitive to that. Too many people mistake that sensitivity for "making up excuses" for that person's behavior. True, sometimes that is the case. I used to always give people the benefit of the doubt; I would be the person others would accuse of "making excuses" for someone else's behavior. And somewhere along the line, I started to believe that maybe I was just making excuses, and a little part of my heart hardened and closed off that sensitivity.

I don't like that that happened. And tonight, that hardened section of my heart bursted back to life. It hurt, something like a momentary heartbreak, but I think it was really just the shock of everything being pulled back together. Brought back to reality and back to being whole. I'm not that bitter person - I am sensitive to people's life experience because that is truly who I am. I should never have let the opinions of other people change that about me.

Yes, some behavior is inexcusable, I think that goes without saying. But I think that is a very small portion of all the possible things that could happen in this world. What happened between him and me...it's not inexcusable. In fact, it is highly likely that it was entirely related to the way he was raised and what he grew up with; and had I not closed off a bit of my heart, I would have known that all along.

So now all I can do is wait and hope it's not too late to end things on a good note. And the pray for him, pray as hard as I can. And remember that it was this moment that made me open up my heart completely again and be grateful that I was able to do that. So grateful.

"Remember to be gentle with yourself and others. We are all children of chance and none can say why some fields will blossom while others lay brown beneath the August sun. Care for those around you. Look past your differences. Their dreams are no less than yours, their choices no more easily made. And give, give in any way you can, of whatever you possess. To give is to love. To withhold is to wither. Care less for your harvest than for how it is shared and your life will have meaning and your heart will have peace." - Kent Nerburn

A Hot Mess of a Girl

That's how I described myself today. I didn't mean it negatively, not even a little bit. But I'm like, a messy office space. Stuff is everywhere. There's stuff that needs to be thrown away and there's stuff that needs to be filed and kept for the rest of my life. There's stuff I use frequently so I know where it is in the various piles and stacks of things, but there's also stuff I haven't used or thought of in years that I can't find. There's big things and little things. There's an assortment of ideas, memories, plans, thoughts, viewpoints, and opinions that need to be sorted, filed, and stored.

I can do all of this, but it takes a lot of time, you know? I've got at least 15 years worth of stuff going on all over the place. So I do a little bit and I take a break. But I really think its time to be more persistent.

Why was I describing myself like this? Because for the first time, I've been the one who has to say no to a guy who has a fairly decent sized crush on me. There are a lot of factors as to why it couldn't happen, most of which I don't feel the need to go into, but the part that really bothers me is that he truly is a nice guy. I told him, if the world had more guys who treated girls the way he does, it'd be far better off. I said I wished there were more people like that. And after I pretty much flat out rejected him, you know what he said, "I wish there were too. Especially for you."

Wow. Talk about a little burst of maturity on his end. But that's when I said it...I said for now, I'm a "hot mess of a girl," and I need to get my shit together before I can even really give anyone a chance. And I know that's going to take me some time. A lot of time. But I'll know when times up, I'll feel it.

Hot mess doesn't mean I'm not happy. I'm still happy; I'm just working on what I need to do to stay there and to fully be who I know I'm capable of being. I don't want to give myself to someone else if I'm incomplete. That's like starting a work of art, but not finishing and giving it to someone as a gift anyway. Giving less than my best? Never (well except for on the occasional term paper...besides the point).