I Feel Alone.

Welcome back

Is it wrong to be ready for bed at 8pm on a Friday night?

If your answer is yes: Too bad. I do what I want.
If your answer is no: Thank you! That makes me feel much more okay with the fact that it is in fact 8pm on a Friday night and I'm in my pajamas laying in my bed because I feel like I have no energy left for moving or functioning. Let's be honest, the fact that I'm even writing a blog right now should come as completely shocking. ;)

Okay, all joking and exhausted-ness aside, I am back at school after a month of doing absolutely nothing of importance every day, all day. Getting back in the routine is tough stuff. But my goal for the weekend is to get everything organized and planned out for the rest of the semester before I go back to class on Monday. It's doable.

Classes seem pretty okay this semester - a lot of reading and not a lot of writing, which I have a feeling will be a welcome change from the last semester. Kindergarten is beautiful, you'll see more about that if you take a virtual walk on over to my other blog. I'm back to eating healthy and working out at least semi-regularly. Life is good; back to the routine.

I turn 21 in 20 days. And yes, I am going to do the 21 stereotypical thing and go out and get drunk in celebration of my day of birth....I might even do it twice, or maybe even three times if I'm feeling rebellious.  But other than the few days after Eke turns 21, that will probably be the extent of my partying for the semester.

And also - obviously I don't have anything to say about my "personal growth" on this post. I just felt like posting to post. (Yes, I'm still stuck on this and irritated about it). Obviously this one was full of sass. Meh, it happens.

Flip flop

Sometimes I scare myself, you know? It scares me how easily I can pull away from someone and simplify my relationship with them without them even knowing. And how often I do that.

I know that I have trust issues, and as much as I want to pinpoint them on one member of the male species and blame him for all of my problems...I can't. That may have been the domino that started it all, but I'm the one that keeps it going. Between a series of bad decisions with some bad eggs and an overwhelming need to run from the first sign of trouble, I became the girl that prematurely pushes 95% of the people in my life away before they can get close.

But being forever the optimist, I'm just realizing that this blog isn't going to be about what I thought it was going to be about; I am compelled to point out what good comes from that. Or more so, what thanks are due. Thank God for the 5%...the ones that let me push as hard as I want and don't move an inch, or sometimes even push back a little. I'm a pretty independent person, I like to rely on myself. But I couldn't do it without that handful of people. And I think the people who are in that 5 percent know who they are; they're the ones that have stuck around through a lot of ups and downs. Chances are, if you have any doubt you're in that group, you probably aren't.

But if you feel confident I'm talking about you, I probably am. And thank you. Thank you for fighting my fire with fire and not giving up on me even when I'm difficult. At least I know that my 5% is the real thing; some people never find the real friends in their life.

Damn, I'm lucky. I'm glad I turned this rant around. Self, this conversation is over.

Shaken But Not Broken

I'm sorry about my out of character last post, but my feelings were hurt; heck, they still are. But I've at least calmed down enough to write coherent thoughts and feelings.

I'm ashamed to say that even for a few hours, I allowed someone to make me question why I write this blog. A part of my life that I am so confident about...and I felt that I failed to explain myself adequately. But as quickly as I questioned, I stopped. I don't have to explain myself or my blog or why I do it in the style that I do. And I should never let anyone tell me I'm not doing the "right" thing on my blog. I've said from the beginning, I don't expect anyone to read this. If they do, so be it. But that's not what it's here for.

I post opinionated things on here, some more opinionated than others. I openly admit that my ideas and beliefs are in a constant state of change, but at the core they are solid. I have a general opinion, but my reasons for having that opinion are still developing and changing; I'm only 20 years old! My general opinion comes from what I believe is right in my heart, and any details related to that I talk my way through. That's just how I am. But I don't like to talk my way through it with condescending people who tell me I can and can't do things. I like to talk my way through it with people who understand me and my curiosity and how I work, which happens to be a very select group of people in my life. For that reason, I don't go into a lot of serious debates with people because I know that a "belief in my heart" is not enough for debate purposes.

Being forced into talking about something with someone who isn't in that select group makes me shut down and get frustrated because I know that I can't support it and I feel that it is disrespectful to bring up such heavy conversation with someone who has specifically said they don't wish to talk about it. Yes, in retrospect, I shouldn't have even answered the first question that was fired at me. I should have paused for a moment and acknowledged my frustration and once again repeated I was not going to discuss it. But should I really have to say it more than once?

That wasn't even the part that really upset me. I felt attacked beyond that when I said I was using this blog for personal growth and this person said I couldn't grow unless I intake things and I couldn't possibly use this blog for that because I'm not challenging things I already know. He went on to say he wasn't attacking me personally, but is it wrong of me to take that personally? Because I feel that is very personal. I don't really think anyone else is in the position to tell me how I am going about MY personal growth.

I am who I am. I'll change for myself, but not to meet anyone else's expectations of me. Sorry.

You know what I hate?

When people read my blog out of the blue and decide to test me on what I say. I don't blog on here for anyone but myself. So no, I don't feel that I have to defend what I say because I'm writing for myself. I'm pretty sure I said clearly in that last post that if you don't like what I have to say, you should stop reading. If you don't like what I have to say, so be it - but don't you dare EVER criticize what I have to say on here or how I say it.

Maybe if you read this more regularly, you'd understand that I don't just "say" these things, since apparently I'm just saying the same things that everyone says and that's not going to change anything. Maybe you would have known that I'm working on dedicating the rest of my life to changing things in the best ways I can. Maybe you wouldn't be so condescending and arrogant and think that you have the right to tell me how I should think.

If you don't like it, get off. And don't come back.

Here comes some opinions

I'm sick and extra feisty, which only increases how opinionated I am. Not that I wouldn't have an opinion about this otherwise, but it's just a little amplified. So let me preface this with saying, you are not obligated to agree with me; in fact, you can disagree with me completely. I really don't care, you can stop reading at any time.

So there's this quote: "Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it."

Last night I read an article about the mandate for California public schools to start implementing the education of key leaders in the Gay/Lesbian movement for equality into the curriculum. Obviously, people are freaking out. This guy was quoted in the article, and I wish I could remember what the article was or where it came from, but it was a very disturbing and narrow minded perspective...and I have to say, I was completely appalled. In more words or less, he supported the repeal of this bill or the mass removal of children from public schools because it would be persuading children towards homosexuality. Seriously?

Let's back up for a minute, in a brief reflection of that quote I mentioned earlier. The struggle for equality for slaves after their emancipation from slavery was a long, hard road. But it was ultimately decided that these people are citizens of this country, regardless of the color of their skin. They are still people. Yes, the Bible did say that slavery was acceptable, but we quickly realized that the context and the time that this was written was a long way off where we were at that point in history. The got the rights they deserved, but not without facing prejudice and torture along the way. It took another HUNDRED YEARS for blacks to really reach anything close to equality.

But here we are, doing the exact same thing. I don't know what it is, but for some reason people refuse to see the parallels. Yes, the Bible does condemn homosexuality - but just as it was with slavery, we are SO far from that way of thinking that you can't possibly use that as an excuse. Just because you teach about key leaders in the LGBT movement doesn't increase the chances that your child is going to become gay and more than teaching about Martin Luther King, Jr. is going to make your kid black. It's a real life thing. We don't shelter children from the realities of war and death and murder, so why should we shelter them from the fact that sometimes, a girl can like a girl and a boy can like a boy and that's just a part of the world?

I debated putting this on my other blog, because it is so closely tied to education and what has been a theme of my last couple posts.  But the opinion portion made this blog feel more appropriate. I just don't understand how people can be so ignorant of the past. Social history fascinates me; I understand that may not be everyone's cup of tea...but c'mon, at least know enough to prevent yourself from looking like a fool and failing to see that we are doing the exact same things we did hundred of years ago.

My art T.A. this year is in her credential year at my school - she told me a story about a little girl named Yakilin who came up to her and said, "Teacher, you know boys like girls and girls like boys...but sometimes boys can like boys and girls can like girls and grandmas can like grandmas and that's okay." Yeah. I'm sure it made you giggle - it made me laugh too - but think about it. This little girl is SIX years old, and she shows more wisdom than half the adults in this country. Kids are naturally accepting; they learn otherwise by the influences in their life.

So a big fat sarcastic thank you to all the intolerant adults in the world ensuring that intolerance will continue by influencing the open-minded.

Closure

I'm starting my New Year off perfect. Like really, no sarcasm. I feel like a clean slate (or a book with a blank 365 pages, if you're a regular follower). I spent the first 5 pages wrapping up old news and now is when it really begins.

But not without a little writing about the closure today. I don't have a lot to say about it; but I do have something. Most people, myself included, thought I'd found this closure a little over a month ago. I thought I had, but something was still a little unsettling. I don't like being mad at people, particularly when they go away for a long time. So I chose to move passed my frustrations and my fears for a night and just let things be as they had, reassured in the fact that it was definitely the end. And I ended on a good note, just like I wanted to.

I suck at goodbyes. But I said a big one today, whether I want to acknowledge it as being a big one or not. I felt a lot when I drove away, a tear was definitely shed. Not because I feel that I'm going to be missing something, but because I just worry about him. I know this is going to be good for him though, and good for me too.

Goodbye sense of obligation and sense of settling, I wish it hadn't been this way and that I was enough to cause a change, but I wasn't and I won't ever be. And you know what? That is completely okay. One door closes, but that doesn't mean there aren't plenty more that are already open and just waiting to be tried.