Sometimes I scare myself, you know? It scares me how easily I can pull away from someone and simplify my relationship with them without them even knowing. And how often I do that.
I know that I have trust issues, and as much as I want to pinpoint them on one member of the male species and blame him for all of my problems...I can't. That may have been the domino that started it all, but I'm the one that keeps it going. Between a series of bad decisions with some bad eggs and an overwhelming need to run from the first sign of trouble, I became the girl that prematurely pushes 95% of the people in my life away before they can get close.
But being forever the optimist, I'm just realizing that this blog isn't going to be about what I thought it was going to be about; I am compelled to point out what good comes from that. Or more so, what thanks are due. Thank God for the 5%...the ones that let me push as hard as I want and don't move an inch, or sometimes even push back a little. I'm a pretty independent person, I like to rely on myself. But I couldn't do it without that handful of people. And I think the people who are in that 5 percent know who they are; they're the ones that have stuck around through a lot of ups and downs. Chances are, if you have any doubt you're in that group, you probably aren't.
But if you feel confident I'm talking about you, I probably am. And thank you. Thank you for fighting my fire with fire and not giving up on me even when I'm difficult. At least I know that my 5% is the real thing; some people never find the real friends in their life.
Damn, I'm lucky. I'm glad I turned this rant around. Self, this conversation is over.
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