A letter to my Roo.

First off, I need to say that I love you and I still consider you my best friend for forever and a million years. We are going to be old ladies together laughing about the same dumb shit we laugh about now. That hasn't changed, isn't changed, and never will change. I will never have a friend like you or that will be able to replace you or be able to mean to me what you mean to me. We're a special breed you know, not many people make it through middle school, high school, and college and still have the same best friend through all of that.

But I know we've both been ignoring the big elephant in the room recently. I didn't know how to talk about it, nor did I really want to talk about it because it's a hard conversation to have. How do you tell your best friend that you've lived with for three years in college that you aren't going to live with her anymore? It has absolutely nothing to do with not liking you or not wanting to be around you or anything like that. But we are at two different places in our lives, different places that making living together more difficult. You have a serious boyfriend who you want to spend a lot of time with, I understand that. But like I've mentioned in other years, I don't want to spend that much time with him. Spending time with you and him is not the same as spending time with you. YOU are my friend, I'm friends with him in whatever way I am because I love you. But that doesn't mean I want to see him four times a week and get to see you only Mondays through Thursdays. It doesn't mean I want to share an apartment meant for four with five people for over half of the week.

I haven't felt like I could talk to you about these things, because every year I've tried and it hasn't changed anything. So I gave up. And I just started doing my own thing and ignoring the situation. I know you've noticed, and I know that may have not been the best thing to do. But I felt defeated and I didn't know what else to do.

I knew this was going to be hard, it's hard for me to think of not living with you either. I feel lonely too. But I felt like if I tried to do another year, it was going to start to actually hurt our friendship. And I can't bear for that to happen...I couldn't take it if it did. I love you and I miss you, but I don't want to force you to change your situation because it is different than mine. Wherever I'm living, because I truthfully don't know at this point yet either, I want you to come over all the time. I want to have afternoons where we just hang out and watch movies and eat. I want to go on gym dates. I know not living together will be weird, but it won't be the end of life, you know?

I had to tell myself that, because it was a hard decision for me to make. But you know what? We're both growing into beautifully confident women and functioning members of society, and no matter who we live with, we will always have each other to fall back on when we stumble, lean on when we get tired, and run away to when we need a break, and giggle with when we're just feeling too silly to be with anyone else. You know that you can come to me at any hour of the day, whether it be a phone call, a text message, an email, or a knock on my door, and I will be there for you and I will do my best to help you with whatever it is you need me for. And I'm still confident that you would do the same. And that is a better deal than a lot of people in this world have, so I think we're pretty gosh dang lucky.

I haven't given up, I haven't let go, I just stepped back to focus on things for myself for a while. But I didn't want you to get the wrong message from that. I love you and I want what's best for you, and even though it's hard, I really think this is going to be best for both of us. We've made it through a lot of things that people said we wouldn't, I think we will be okay for this one too.

<3

The Multitude of Reasons for My Absence

I know, I know...I've been gone from here for a really long time. It's driving me mad and I think about it often. Here are my excuses for not blogging, because I haven't enough brain power to write anything of meaning.

-I have about 20 forms to fill out for Costa Rica within the next month.
-I have scholarship forms to fill out to help finance for Costa Rica.
-I have a Cal History midterm on Friday.
-I have a History and Principles of PE presentation next Friday.
-I volunteer 8 hours a week in a kindergarten classroom.
-I have a lesson plan to write and teach in two classrooms before the end of March.
-I have 15 hours of observation to do in a classroom in the next month (in addition to kindergarten).
-I'm learning a second language.
-I work two jobs - one with kids under 10 and one with college kids.
-I also babysit or housesit on some weekends.
-I have other meetings/appointments that come with the last few months of a school year.

...and sometimes I get to sleep. And occasionally eat. Haha, but really, I'm not complaining. I like being busy, but some days...I'm definitely ready to rip my hair out.

Another Sunny Day

Last night I went to bed because I was so excited to wake up to a new day. Yesterday was so awesome that I couldn't wait to do it all again today. Isn't that crazy?? I don't remember the last time that happened. I think it has a lot to do with this sunny February weather...today's high is projected to be somewhere between 75 and 80 degrees. Yesterday was about the same.

Days like this remind me why I'm absolutely in love with living in Southern California. And as much as I want to travel and experience the world and other cultures and other environments...this will always be my home. I will always thrive on the sun and warmth and the beach and the bright blue sky. Nothing makes me feel at home more than that.

Yesterday after class I went out to the park with Emily and laid in the grass reading (for class of course; life isn't that easy). We drove back to school, stopped to pick up some sodas from the Centrum that we paid for in all change, and then set up lawn chairs in the sun in her front yard and read for another two hours before I went to work. I was so content and blissful. It was such a great feeling; blame it on the extra Vitamin D or whatever you will, but I am going to soak it all in until the rain comes back later this week.

Laying out in the sun and thinking about how content I was, I was also reflecting on how great it is to not feel like I'm searching for something. For the last view years, I've felt this persistent tug in the back of my mind telling me I needed to constantly be looking for something - validation, new friends, better grades, a boyfriend, ways to calm myself down...but I don't feel like that anymore. And this is the longest consecutive time that I haven't felt that way, and I think I'm going to take that as a good sign.

I would love to stay and get really philosophical on here, but the sun is calling my name. ♥

Dear You,

"Well one, you don't ever subjugate yourself to someone like that. You are worth so much more than that. I don't even know the guy and I want to kill him because of how he made you feel. And two, and probably the most important point to keep in mind, is you are always wanted and you always belong somewhere and that's with me. You have helped me through more things than you will ever know because most of the time you didn't know you were helping. But just like you have been for me, I am always here for you, no matter how far away you are. You always belong, and you are always important. Don't ever forget that Court."

Our friendship has always been a wild ride; I think the basis that it was formed on should have been an indicator that it would be nothing short of just that. You were a new student in senior year with a past I couldn't even begin to fathom, and we started talking days after my long-term boyfriend shattered my world. Let's be honest, we were less than stable haha. I never would have guessed in a million years that that night after Claire's show with me chasing you around the parking lot trying to get my dad's keys back would have turned into this.

We are, in every sense of the phrase, a friendship based on give and take. I know all friendships are, but ours surpasses anything I've ever experienced before. We give unquestionably and we take without guilt because we are confident that the other would do the same thing if the situation was reversed. I'm just in awe when I look back and see everything that we've gone through and recognize how very little it has phased us in terms of the strength of our friendship.

I posted this quote because it has sat on my computer for almost 2 years as a reminder to me of a few different things:
1. I am important.
2. I am never alone.
3. I have the best friend in the whole wide world.

If I could attribute the strength I have gained over the last year to a single person outside of my self, it would be to you. You are the first person who said things like this to me that I actually believed. I needed to really feel that someone else believed in me before I was able to believe in myself. I don't know what it is about you that made me really hear it when it came from you; I think it was just knowing how much of life you have experienced, knowing how much you've overcome, knowing that you were different than everyone I'd grown up with...all of that came together with the fact that you made efforts to stay in contact with me, you said these wonderful things to me with such a sincerity that something just clicked for me. You've given me so much courage and so much strength...or maybe not given it to me, but forced me to realize that if I'd really look inside myself, I'd find that those things had been there all along.

You have made me question everything I thought I was ever sure of, and sometimes I absolutely hated it. Sometimes I didn't understand it. Sometimes I desperately wanted to understand it, but you knew I wasn't ready. I'm not going to say that you've made me the person that I am at this moment; but I will say with complete honesty that you are the one who made me realize the person that I could be, and I feel that is infinitely more important.

Why am I writing all of this right now? Well, I've been thinking about it for a couple weeks, but have lacked the time and the language to adequately convey what I wanted to say. I'm still not satisfied with this entirely, but I don't think I ever will be because words are not enough to express what I want to say. "Thank you," and "I love you," are never enough, but I guess if you know when I say those things I mean all of this stuff and even more when I say them, then my point is made.

My other reason for this post is because this is a big weekend for you, and as your best friend, I absolutely could not be more ecstatic for you. To you, and even to people who have known me over the past few years, my excitement over this may be a little unexpected...but I've come a long way in a couple months. For so long, I have wanted nothing but happiness for you, and this weekend you are going to take the first step in what I know is going to be a lifetime of happiness. There is absolutely nothing in this world that could top the feeling that I get when I see you enjoying life as much as you do when you're with her. You deserve that and so much more and it is for that reason that I absolutely cannot contain my excitement. I'm so proud of you for not giving up when the rest of the world would have counted you out. Your strength and your determination and your perseverance will always be admirable to me. I absolutely cannot wait to watch you continue to grow and create this life for yourself. She is a very lucky girl.

I know that I'm best friend number two now, and I wouldn't accept that position if it had been anyone other than the woman you intend to marry taking the top spot. :) Thank you poohad, for everything you have ever said to me or done for me or helped me with...because I could not have made it to this point in my life without you. Thank you for finally making me believe that I am important, that I am worthwhile, and that I will always have a place in this world. I am forever and ever grateful. Now stop being sick, get healthy, and get all those clues in place! :)

Love you always,
Me.

A True Test

Sometimes I seriously contemplate living completely on my own. I want to say it entered my mind when I went to visit Trevor in San Francisco about a year ago; but being at a very different mental place in my life then, I quickly dismissed it as something I'd never be able to transition to successfully.

But the more strength I've found in myself, the more I find the idea entering my mind. Not to live by myself for forever, but to just do it for a little and test my strengths. It would be a challenge for me. And lately I've been at this spot in my life where I'm not okay with doing things that I don't feel terribly challenged by. Living by myself scares me a little bit - I freak myself out when I'm home alone. But I can face that fear. I can learn how to manage my time and do what I want and how I want to every day without the interference, unless they are a welcome one. I always go through a stage when I get back to living with my family where I don't want to do anything - I don't want to cook for myself, I don't want to do laundry, I just want to sit and wish I had someone to take care of me. But each time I go away from home, that stage gets shorter and shorter.

I think I could accept that challenge. But...it's definitely not going to happen for quite some time. I have another year of school and then my credential year after that. To be quite honest, I can't afford to live on my own. But I think I would if I could. At least for a year. It could be fun. But mostly I think it would help me to better learn who I really am; it'd be a huge test of everything I think I've learned about myself in the last year.

I just need a change. SO BAD. I'm getting a little on the desperate side, but I absolutely cannot be content with doing the same thing every day like I have been doing. And a day trip to Malibu is not going to solve anything, just so we're clear. I'm a new 21 year old and I feel stagnant. I know I'm doing things now so that I can have the life that I want in a few years, but does that mean everything has to be so simplistic and repetitive in the here and now?

Grammy Rant

So here's my problem. Yes, Chris Brown beat up a woman, and that is never acceptable. I'm not here to say that's okay and he should get off easy with no repercussions. Yes, women who have been beat before will take extreme offense to his actions. No, thankfully, I have never been in that situation.

But the only reason people even know he did anything is because of how wild the media is. If the media wasn't so up in celebrities faces, this probably would have been a private affair that he dealt with on his own and no one would have known and no one would have had issue with him. I'd be shocked if celebrities from 50 years ago weren't involved in crimes of the like; but there wasn't a media frenzy back then like there is now so people wouldn't have known. Frank Sinatra could have beat up a girl when he was 20, but fans wouldn't have heard about it, thus his popularity remains intact and wholesome (no offense, Frank, just for examples sake). The point is, music is separate from personal life choices. And I don't think one offense is enough to slam someone's career into the ground over 3 years later.

Girls have been saying some pretty immature things over the last 24 hours, along the lines of "Chris Brown can beat me up any day," but honestly, no one is above saying things like that. To most of those girls, it was probably a joke. And inappropriate jokes are something everyone is affected by in their life. I don't think I've ever met someone who has never in their entire life laughed at a joke that could have been perceived as racist, sexist, or inhumane to an individual or a group of individuals. I do it, I'm guilty; I have moments of immaturity. And if it wasn't a joke for them...oh well! Like unfortunate for them that somewhere in their life they were failed by someone and that is terribly sad; but that really has nothing to do with Chris Brown. And their statement has everything to do with ONE act by ONE person in his OWN life that many people now use as the single thing that defines their perception of him.

I would hate it if people knew the lows that I sunk to in the lowest part of my life and used those to define who I am. Forget that I am a college student with an above average GPA, I've been a hard working employee since I was old enough to have a job, and that I'm a talented instructor and future educator of this country. That doesn't matter because one time, I got involved in a relationship to make myself feel wanted because I couldn't find it anywhere else. And one time I got drunk because I didn't want to feel anything at all. NOTHING ELSE I do matters because at one point in my life, I did those things.

Yep. So, Chris Brown, while I think that was a terrible thing you did, I think you deserved those Grammys because musically and in your own right, you have talent in the industry. And just because your fame has ruined your private life, I do not think that your musical talents need to suffer because of one decision. Because people make mistakes, and people grow and change and learn. Now if you do it again, shame on you for not learning from that mistake and not seeing it as an opportunity to learn; that's where a lot of us get lost.

End rant. Why not focus on how wonderful Adele was, or how beautiful Jennifer Hudson's tribute to Whitney Houston and all the other lost musical greats was?

Feliz Cumpleanos a mi!

What a wonderful, worry-free birthday I have had! It felt great to just abandon my responsibilities for the last 48 hours and just enjoy myself; it's been hard to do that this last year because I'm always so inundated with school and work. I shouldn't really even call it abandoning my responsibilities, because I worked really hard ahead of time to make sure I had things taken care of in advance for the my birthday, knowing I wouldn't want to worry about things between my birthday and this afternoon.

Do I have a lot of homework to catch up on?
Am I exhausted?
Did I text a lot of people that probably didn't need to hear from me?
Did I do some silly things?
Yes, yes, yes, and yes. But it was all worth it because I had a damn good time. And I don't regret any of it.

I also received so many well-wishes and good thoughts and love - I truly am a lucky girl. I know some of those texts and Facebook wall posts were just the obligatory "Happy Birthday," but I also know there were a lot on there that meant it. And I got absolutely spoiled by my friends that were here to celebrate with me. All of my gifts that I received have a story behind them, a lot of thought put into them. And honestly, that will always mean more than the gift itself.

I am a lucky, lucky girl. And I don't remember the last time I had a birthday where I was this happy with where I'm at in my life. It's something beautiful, I tell ya.