Wish I May, Wish I Might

today i walked out of the guard room on my way to rotate to the competition pool, and when i looked up at the sky, there was a single bright star visible, just outside the last reaching rays of the sunset.

going back to my Pinocchio, Disney-watching, little kid roots, I closed my eyes and made a wish. obviously, everyone knows that if you tell your wish to people it won't come true. but i will give you a hint. it falls along the lines of this:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

day-to-day

not a lot of blogging recently, nothing really profound to say i suppose haha. i finally have a weekend off of work coming up, so maybe that will be an opportunity for some new adventures. i could use a little bit of spice to be added to my life!

i babysat the cutest little boy and girl yesterday - Brynn is 3 and Chase is 1, almost 2. we played on the grass by the pool while their parents got in some swim time. another family i'm familiar with that is around the pool showed up with Chloe and Olivia, two adopted little girls. Brynn saw them and said, "I want to go make friends!" and ran over and within seconds the girls were playing catch, leap-frog, and make-believe. (Chase tried to join in too, but boys weren't really allowed haha) i couldn't help but smile at the innocence and be so impressed by the lack of judgement and pure eagerness to just have someone new to play with. if only it could stay that way as we grow older.

today i'm ready to say good bye to June, and its gloom! come on, sunshine, where are you??

Dear God...

thankyou thankyou thankyou! I do not consider myself a religious person, but i don't think i can thank anyone but the big guy upstairs for this one! i'm jittery, i can't type fast enough to keep up with my thoughts, i barely even can form words for what i want to say.

right as i lose hope, right as i hit another low point where the optimism gets hard to maintain, and i just feel upset about so much in life...when i feel a bit abandoned and alone...i get yet another reason to smile. another BIG reason. another reason that i'm not even supposed to know yet, but thank gosh i do.

i have a guardian angel. he told me once that i'm always wanted and i always belong somewhere and that is with him. and that this was true no matter how far away we were from each other. i believe him...but sometimes when i'm having a really hard time, the distance just makes it worse. but whenever i get to that level, like magic...he comes back. without fail.

as is the case again. at least i'm 99% sure. i can't even describe what emotion i'm feeling right now. but i could cry...out of relief, out of love, out of complete joy. i'm grateful to know that things are going to get better, and once again - i am going to be okay.

"You and your heart shouldn't feel so far apart."

this summer, i have an aversion to people.

i know that sounds terribly anti-social and potentially unhealthy, but the way i look at it, i think i need this. i need to take that step back socially, and i've been learning a lot in the process. its a summer of self-reflecting and learning some self-worth.

i feel that i get too easily and too quickly attached to people, and i easily define myself and my happiness in relation to those people. but i'm not the people that i'm attached to. i'm me. so, in a grammatically incorrect question, who is me? i'm figuring out how to define myself without the influences of said people. so far its been an interesting journey. i can't entirely describe it in words. i can only feel it. that's what i'm doing...feeling my way along. i suppose there's really no other way to go about it, really.

if i could peg down a specific thing to illustrate an aspect of what i lack the words to explain, it would be the recently-had conversation with ex-boyfriend. i gave him the choice: either he let me go and be ok with just being friends, or he make some sort of commitment. i'm not down for the wishy-washy, in between, back and forth business anymore. it was rather liberating if i'm being honest. i'm not used to standing up for myself like that, but its part of that "feeling my way along" thing. and with his final decision, no longer was i floating around after cutting ties, unsure of what to do next. my feet were planted, and I was standing back on solid ground. hallelujah.

i'm sorry to those who may feel that i'm uncaring. but i'm truly working to put in the effort with those i feel are doing the same for me. but if not...i have to let go. or maybe you have to let go of me. i'm not sure which way it should be phrased yet. i guess it kind of depends. but i'm learning to stand on my own two feet - its up to you if you want to be present to support me...but don't you dare hang around just to jolt me every once and a while and make me falter in my strength.

coaching

my most favorite part of working at the pool during the summer started yesterday - coaching the LA84 swim team. it's this aspect of my job that keeps me from getting burnt out, and keeps me coming back (not only day to day, but summer to summer as well). it's what really makes me be able to say, "i love my job."

its the kids and their spirit that really makes it a joy to come coach for that hour each day. so many of them are just excited to be there, ready to try their best, and ALWAYS smiling...it's hard not to want to be around that. it's a great feeling to watch a kid progress and struggle through-out a season, only to have that "light-bulb" moment at the end of season where everything suddenly makes sense. then they're practically and olympian. its crazy.

i wish that there were more programs like the LA84 program, or at least run the way we run ours. a big problem in club swimming is that coaches push their kids too hard to become that "next olympian" without letting them just develop through the sport on their own. with all that pushing, kids begin to push themselves too, sometimes to an unhealthy degree. before you know it, they stop having fun and experience a "burn-out," as they call it in the athlete world.

its so important for kids to have fun in the sport if you want it to have future success. not every child is capable of becoming and athletic prodigy. but if they like swimming, let them swim, and let them swim at a level they enjoy without feeling pressure to always be better than they already are.

expect some more posts in regard to this as the summer goes on. i'm always surprised and inspired by these 60 kids that i get to know over the next two months.

"What's your story?"

yesterday i was at simone's getting coffee with friends yesterday.

there was an older man sitting at a table diagonal to ours, and sitting on the table in front of an empty chair as he perused the newspaper was this:

i really wanted to just ask him what his story was.

to know what he'd done in his life, and what that flag meant to him.

i feel that with a lot of people. i guess its a part of my curiosity, but there's some people, and you can just look at them and think to yourself, that person has a story to tell. like the elderly and super-fit woman who comes to swim at my work, or the quiet man who swims every morning that never smiles - i want to know about their lives. it just interests me to hear what other people have experienced, while i feel i have experienced so little.

i'm a people watcher. but i also want to listen. i want to hear about the meaningful things people have done in their lives, at least until i can DO something or be apart of something of the likes myself.

Restlessly Waiting

this week i'm feeling super lethargic and unmotivated.

but still a little restless mixed in with that. its a confusing combination, and overall it just makes me feel a little bit too anxious.

i'm having a hard time getting myself to do anything, besides go to work.

but even this week, i'm putting off riding my bike, and asking for the car instead. i'm going out to do things with friends, and i definitely want to...but i'm doing it more because i need too. but in all honesty, i would much rather lay in bed and read. all day.

i'm a little bit put-off by some stuff too. said "stuff" can be quite discouraging and i think ends up deterring me from wanting to do other things. with some friends, i'm exhausted from being the one to put in all the effort, all the time. so i stop. but then, i feel like i end up not putting in the correct effort with the friends who don't do that either. its a very confusing thing.

i'm just at a very wishy-washy state right now. and i think i'm just waiting to see where i'm going to end up going next.

mentally that is.